That’s dark, yo. shiver RDM would be proud.
Thanx Bishop. I still have to get around to reading the rest.
I’ve done a recording of me speaking the lyrics but i have no place to host it…
“Hank, you sure this Shi’ar tech you hot wired into this tub is gonna work?”, Rhodes griped one last time as they exited the Hawkin Hole and faced the fleet guarding their target.
“Works fine on the Blackbird, Rhodey. Although, I can’t engage both devices simultaneously due to power constraints. So long as we aren’t caught directly in a tractor beam or come under direct attack, it should hold up fine. If, those stolen clearance codes work, right, Commander?”
Bond took slight offense to Beasts inquiry, “My dear Doctor McCoy, I was assured by our employers that these codes will get us through just fine and our uniforms and cover stories will allow us to waltz around that station no questions asked.”
Bond’s assurance did little to ease the concerns of the group, even Bond himself. A hailing signal from the command ship of the fleet signaled it was time for Bond to play his part.
“Unidentified shuttle, this is the Executor of the Imperial Navy. Identify yourselves or you will be considered hostile and destroyed”, the com rang out. “Such a warm reception”, Bond quipped before responding, “Executor, this is Colonel Vak Somoril of the Imperial Security Bureau. This ship is under my command and I have urgent information for the Emperor himself. I request clearance to land on the Death Star.” “Clearance will be granted upon the transmission of an accepted clearance code”, the voice on the other end had a ring of intimidation in it now. “Transmitting the code now,” Bond responded as Rhodes sent them, “and do try to clear us some place discreet.” “The code has been accepted and you are clear to land in docking bay 94.” “Thank you, Executor.”
Rhodes piloted the ship towards their assigned docking bay. The shield guarding the giant space station opened just enough to allow them passage. Upon landing, Rhodes and Storm Shadow secured their white armor while Bond did one last check of his ISB uniform. Beast put their crate on a skiff and checked the com traffic. “We haven’t raised any alerts yet. You three should be ok once you get passed the deck officer”, Beast told Rhodes.
“Good, Bond, time for Act II”, Rhodes told his “commanding officer”.
The hatch opened and the three men descended to meet a small security team.
“Colonel Somoril”, the obviously nervous junior officer approached," We weren’t informed of your arrival beforehand." “Well, Lieutenant, I’ll make sure that from now on, ISB runs all of their operations across you for your approval”, Bond snapped at the poor boy in a conscending tone. “Forgive me sir, that is not what I meant. we just weren’t prepared and we didn’t expect anyone to arrive in a”, he paused while glancing at the Planet Express shuttle," civilian craft." “Yes, strangely, I find it difficult to conduct covert intelligence missions in military craft waving the imperial banner.” “Yes, sir, of course. My mistake. Do your men require assistance with your cargo?” Bond was starting to feel really bad for the poor kid," No, that cargo is not your concern. Just make sure no one but myself gets near my ship." “Yes, sir”, the deck officer slinked away, tail firmly between his legs.
The trio entered the nearest lift and headed for their next destination. “Jeez, Bond, that was painful to watch”, Rhodes laughed. “Ya,” Storm Shadow added," It would have been nicer just to let me stab him." “I know, I hate to do that to a young man just doing his job, but I do have to sell this part.”
The lift opened and they made their way to a small communications room. According to their intel, it had just what they needed to make their call.
Bond led them in, “Everyone, this is ISB business. I need this room cleared now.”
The room cleared and a second later, Bond was on a call.
“Endore Command, this is Death Star Engineering.”
“We hear you DSE”
“Great, we are ready to test our shield generators. Shut down so we can power them up. I’m sending the clearance code.”
“We were told the shield generators wouldn’t be operational for another month. When was the schedule changed?”
“When Lord Vader started ‘motivating’ people. Didn’t you get the message?”
“Oh, ya, we heard something about that down here. No official word came though.”
“Ya, miscommunication on a government project. shock, right?”
The other side chuckled slightly," No problem, DSE, the code was confirmed and we’re powering down now. The shield should be clear in a few minutes."
“Thanks, Endor, we’ll let you know when the test is complete”, Bond looked to Rhodes, “Colonel, I believe you can put on your work clothes now.”
“About damn time”, Rhodes griped as he dragged in the crate," I hate this uniform. Who the hell wears bright white into combat?"
Storm Shadow shot him a dirty look," You’re all clear, jack ass."
Rhodes, now in full War Machine armor made his way to the lift," Aww, Tommy, don’t get your feelings hurt."
Storm Shadow cut open the roof of the lift and War Machine flew up through the shaft. Bond and Storm Shadow then started to make their way back to the docking bay. “Hey, Bond”, Storm shadow asked," why exactly does everyone here seem to have the same accent as you?"
“Just a bunch of lucky fellows, I guess. Beast, do you have a lock on War Machine?”
Beast’s voice crackled over the com," Affirmative. He’s half way to the throne room now. If we leave soon, we’ll be able to catch him after he executes his part of the plan. I just hope the seals on his armor hold out for him."
Bond entered the flight deck and approached the station were the lieutenant from before was working with some of his men.
“Colonel, I didn’t see you enter. I hope your trip has been successful. Where your other man and and your cargo?”, the frightened man asked.
“Never mind that. Just clear my ship to leave.”
“Yes, sir, at once”, the lieutenant replied.
Bond and Storm Shadow boarded the shuttle, “Beast, are we ready?”
Yes, Commander, we just need the magnetic shield down and we are off."
“Excellent, engage the auto pilot, hit the cloak and let’s get our boy.”
The cloaked ship left the docking bay and headed for the preprogrammed coordinates to meet War Machine, puzzling the deck crew left behind.
The Emperor watched out his viewing window at the fleet. They were starting to disperse and take their positions for the ambush. Soon, the Rebel Alliance would arrive and his trap would be sprung. He’s be rid of them once and for all. He was quite pleased with himself. Suddenly, he heard a rumbling coming from the lift tube.
War Machine blew open the doors and unleashed a fury of ordinance. He spotted the cyborg enforcer and put him down with two EMP blasts. He took out a few of the guards and focused his attacks in the direction of the Emperor by the window. A bolt of electrical discharge from the old man knocked War Machine off his feet. The walking corpse approached, taunting him.
“Fool! Did you really think you could kill me with such a clumsy assault? That I would be felled buy firing your guns at me?”, the Emperor demanded.
War Machine cleared his head, “Who said I was firing at you?”
That was when the Emperor heard the high pitched beep that was increasing in frequency. He looked over at the window, which was already cracked and dented from the assault, and saw it. A plasma grenade.
War Machine activated the seals on his armor and braced himself. The blast shattered open the window, allow the vacuum of space to suck out all of the inhabitants of the room into the cold emptiness outside. He saw the black cloaked figure struggle for a second with asphyxiation, but then explode in the depressurized environment. Mission accomplished, but he only had minutes.
“This is War Machine. Target is down, get me out of here.”
The shuttle decloaked and Best activated the transporter. War Machine was instantly inside the shuttle. He ran for the controls while Beast reengaged the cloak with Imperial fighters racing towards them.
“Colonel,” Bond jumped into the copilot chair," are you OK to pilot this thing? Your armor looks like it took a beating."
“I’m fine. Just make sure we’re ready in case they can somehow find us before he get out of here. Hank, what are they saying?”
Beast listened in on the comm chatter," High alert, but that is no surprise. They know we cloaked and are narrowing down the field for a search. We don’t want to stick around."
“Wasn’t planning on it. Storm Shadow”, he yelled into the comm," you ready in that gun station?"
“Powered up and ready to go. It looks like some of them are getting close.”
“It’s OK, I see the Hawkin Hole ahead of us. Almost home” War Machine responded.
Suddenly, a brief flash and they were flying straight at a Mon Cal cruiser. They made it through to the Alliance Fleet.
“Team Awesome, this is Fleet Command. You are cleared for landing on the command ship” the traffic controller came through on the comm," Command just wanted to congratulate you and the actual owners of the ship are here to retrieve it. They apparently paid all of their parking tickets."
“Captain Leela, I presume”, War Machine greeted the other crew as they approached.
“What the hell did you do to my ship? “, the one eyed captain yelled at him,” What is all that crap hooked up to the engines? What right did you have to take it in the first place?”
“Hey, Bond,” he whispered behind him," you want to handle this?"
“No, Colonel, I believe I’ll sit this one out.”
Ok, this started out as my entry, but turned into my first Fanfic Crossover Parody story. As a reminder, my team is Frank Ladpius (pilot), R2-D2 (tech), YoSaffBridge (recon), and Mara Jade, The Emperor’s Hand (martial arts). As background, at this point in Star Wars cannon Mara Jade is still working for the Empire.
Team Player - Mission 2 - Take Out The Trash
“I’ll be back soon hubby…” Saffron said, smiling and kissing professor Hawking on the check.
“Please be careful love.” Professor Hawkins’s synthetic voice spoke.
And with that they were off through the black hole.
Frank “The Pilot” Lepidus and R2-D2 manned the controls of the Jade’s Pickle (formerly known as Planet Express Ship, but renamed on Mara’s urging for its color and shape) as it flew through the black hole. Their mission to assassinate the Emperor of the Galactic Empire was known only to YoSaffBride and R2-D2 due to its highly classified nature. When the Jade’s Pickle emerged from the black hole, the Rebel Fleet was moving into position to engage the Imperial Forces.
“Those fools!” Shouted Mara Jade, the Emperor’s secret operative, sworn to protect him at all costs. “They will kill themselves and our pilots, and accomplish nothing!” YoSaffBride, knowing that keeping their actual mission secret from Mara was the top priority played along. “We need to sneak on board one of the Rebel Cursers, and disrupt the Rebel fleet! R2, signal the Rebel Curser Home One, tell them that that we have vital information about the Empire’s forces!”
R2 warbled in response. Catching on to YoSaffBridge’s idea, R2 signaled the Home One to open their landing bay, and be ready with a squad or Rebel troopers to take Mara into custody.
“Lepidus, fly us towards that ship, best speed!” YoSaffBride yelled at Frank.
“Whatever you say lady.” Frank muttered under his breath.
Jade’s Pickle landed in the docking bay of the Rebel flagship, and lowered its ramp. Mara crept out into the hanger, which was empty. YoSaffBridge followed, but stayed beside the ramp back to Jade’s Pickle. Suddenly, a squad or Rebel soldiers burst in through the doors on both side of the hanger, followed by Admiral Ackbar. “It’s a trap!” Admiral Ackbar yelled, smiling triumphantly with his hands on his hips. (As much as a Mon Calimari could smile.)
YoSaffBridge turned and ran back onto the Jade’s Pickle. She would have to thank Admiral Ackbar later, but didn’t want to be around when Mara figured out what was going on. She ran back onto the bridge, and told Frank to get them out of there.
As soon as the Rebel soldiers entered the hanger Mara had sprinted across the docking bay and kicked full force into the closest soldier. He went sprawling to the floor, but Mara kept moving. She escaped into the hallway, and disappeared into the inky shadows.
As the recently renamed Planet Express Ship blasted away from the Rebel fleet, Frank turned to YoSaffBridge. “You mind telling me what in God’s name is going on here?!” YoSaffBridge pointed out the front window at the gigantic space station. “See that? We have to kill the guy in charge of it.”
“Aww, hell.” Frank muttered.
“Don’t worry” she said. “I’ve got one more trick up my sleeve.”
“R2, open up a communication channel using these frequencies, directed at that battle station.”
In the throne room of the second Death Star, Emperor Palpitine sat and stared out into the battle beginning. “Those pitiful fools. They dare challenge the power of this fully operational battle station. Heh-ha-haha!” Without warning his hand-held communication device started ringing. It was his personal line. Who would be calling him on this number… out here… in space… at this time of night…
He flipped open the device. “Hello?” he said evilly.
“Hi sweetie.”
Back on Planet Express Ship the battle was beginning all around them.
“Those Star Destroyers are headed right towards us!” Frank shouted.
“Don’t worry, they won’t bother us.” YoSaffBridge yelled back from the com-station in the back of the bridge.
Frank flew the ship past the fleet of Star Destroyers, who were firing at everything in range but Planet Express Ship. Once the ship was behind the Star Destroyer fleet they headed for the Death Star II docking bay.
When the ship landed, the bay was empty. “Not much of a welcoming committee.” Frank said gruffly, stepping out of Planet Express Ship. Suddenly, the door on the lift tube (elevator) opened, and two red cloaked guards walked out. A moment later, out stepped Emperor Palpitine. He took two slow steps forward towards YoSaffBridge.
“Leave us.” He said to the guards.
When the guards were gone, he turned to the Team Player crew.
“Yolanda?”
“Its me sweetie!” YoSaffBridge responded eagerly.
“I… I thought I would never see you again.” The Emperor stammered.
Frank watched as right before his eyes YoSaffBridge transformed from the crazy lady barking orders on the ship to a love-sick girl. What was she doing with this shriveled old man?
“I had to come back. I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Come with me, and take your place by my side! You shall be my Empress of the Galaxy, once we have destroyed the Rebel’s pitiful attempt to destroy this fully functional battle station!”
Out of the corner of his eye, Frank saw R2 wheeling towards the control panel near the force field that kept the docking bay pressurized. He had a bad feeling about this.
“Sweetie, I love you, but its…”
Seemingly out of nowhere, Darth Vader stepped into the room. For a moment, everyone was silent. Finally, the Vader spoke.
“Bridget?”
YoSaffBridge smiled at him sweetly.
“Were you… were you with him?”
“Ani… I can explain…” YoSaffBridge started to say, touching him softly on the arm.
“Bridget… You have not yet realized your importance. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as husband and wife!”
YoSaffBridge smiled softly at him.
“Together we can defeat the Emperor! He has forseen this!”
“Ani… you know I can’t.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!" Vader dropped to his knees.
“Heh heh heh heh…” The Emperor began to laugh.
Vader stood back up and ignited his lightsaber, charging at The Emperor.
“That’s impossible, she was in love with me!”
Lightning shot out of Palpitine’s hands and grazed Vader’s armor.
“Weak fool! Why would a women like her choose a cripple like you!” The Emperor shouted.
Without warning, a huge rush of air blew through the Death Star II’s docking bay. Frank turned to see R2 at the control panel. He must have shut off the force field keeping the bay pressurized!
To Be Continued…
Team Player - Mission 2 - Continued…
The force of the air rushing out threw everyone to the ground. Luckily Frank hadn’t gone too far from Planet Express Ship’s ramp, and managed to grab hold. Vader and Palpitine were fighting though they were still both being slowly dragged across the ground to the cold vacuum of space. Frank saw YoSaffBridge clinging to the ground just a few meters away. Keeping one hand on the Planet Express Ship ramp, he reached out to try and grab YoSaffBridge.
“Grab on!” he yelled.
YoSaffBridge managed to grab his hand. With tremendous effort in the rapidly depleting oxygen, Frank managed to pull both of them back in the ship. Once onboard, they dashed to the bridge.
“Time to get the hell out of here!” Frank yelled, as the ship began to shake.
“Don’t forget the droid!” yelled YoSaffBridge.
Frank looked out the front window and saw R2 was still holding on with his plug in the wall socket, but looked like he was going to fly out any moment.
Frank powered up the ships engines and blasted forward just out into the edge of space. He then rotated the ship a quarter turn so the back was facing R2.
“Get back there and open the hatch!” he yelled.
Out of the front window, Frank saw Vader and the Emperor fly out into space, the Emperor still shooting lighting out of his hands. “Mission accomplished” he said under his breath.
YoSaffBridge dashed to the back of the ship and lowered the ramp while the ship was hovering just outside the Death Star II.
“R2!” She yelled.
The droids robot arm broke off, and R2 was propelled back.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOO” the droid screamed.
YoSaffBridge flattened herself against the wall as R2 flew past her into the ship, and smashed into the wall. YoSaffBridge closed the hatch, and ran to R2.
“Are you alright?”
R2 made some angry sounding noises, and wiggled his “feet” slightly.
Through the intercom, she heard Frank. “Get up here!”
YoSaffBridge dashed onto the bridge.
“We’ve got Imperial Star Destroyers’ closing in on us, I got the feeling they wont be feeling as generous this time!” Frank yelled, his voice starting to get horse from all the yelling.
“I don’t suppose you happened to sleep with any of their captains?” Frank said, half joking.
YoSaffBridge grinned, “You never know.”
A turbo laser blast tore into the hull of Planet Express Ship.
“Their launching fighters!”
TIEs swarmed the green ship, as Frank expertly dodged their blasts. More Star Destroyers were closing in, blocking their escape route.
“If we don’t find a way past these ship’s were done for!” Frank shouted.
Suddenly a spray of lasers crashed through the engines of the Star Destroyer dead ahead. A moment later, the Star Destroyer exploded. Through the debris flew in the Rebel Cruiser Home One. For a moment it looked like they were going to collide, but Frank saw that the Home One had positioned its landing bay directly in front of them.
“Hold on!” Frank yelled as Planet Express Ship crash landed in the Home One docking bay, for the second time that day. A moment later, the Home One jumped to hyperspace.
A voice boomed over the ships intercom. “Home One to Jade’s Pickle.”
But it was not the voice of Admiral Ackbar. It was the voice of Mara Jade. “Are you alright down there?”
Frank and YoSaffBridge looked at each other. “We’re Ok, but it’s a good thing you showed up when you did.” Frank said.
“I took this ship from the Rebels easily enough. But after I did, the Imerial Star Destroyer captains weren’t responding to my codes, saying the Emperor was dead; I had no choice but to get them out of the way.”
For a moment no one said anything.
“Is the Emperor safe?” Mara asked over the com.
“It’s going to be an awkward ride home.” Frank muttered to himself.
Home One blasts off for home at ludicrous speed.
Join us next time, for… The Adventures of Team Player
Take out the Trash : Unlikely help.
Hal: I’m telling you we don’t have to bring that piece of shit with us. I can make a ship construct out of my ring and that is it.
Q: I don’t like the idea of relying on your constant willpower for me to survive. Plus, I’ve made state of the art modification on that vessel. We start with all the usual refinement, heat seeking missile, photon torpedo, magnetic grenade, energy shield, revolving license plate and ejector seat.
Hal: Ejector seat, you must be joking!
Q: I never joke about me work hornet.
Hal: Lantern, it’s lantern. Not that hard to remember.
Q: I’ve also installed a program that can interface with T-1000 so we can hack into their system, steal the identification algorithm and create an official code so they let their shield down. With the shield down you should be able to land the Van on the BaseStar and do your job.
Hal: My Job is to get you in and out of there.
Blade: My job is to play the killer anyway, I’ll infiltrate the base while T-1000 get the information on is location.
T-1000: I can kill him.
Blade: Stick to your job Shiny balls.
They embark in the van and leave the Galaxy. First thing they hook T-1000 to the ship and they start to interface. Once they are over there they connect to the Death Star trough sub-net and create their code.
Speaker : Shuttle PN37 please send your communication code.
Q: Now we are gonna know if those entire troop of apprentices did their job correctly.
Blade: Relax old man.
Hal: Here our code Sir.
Speaker: Please come fast, we are in preparation for an eminent attack.
Hal: Yes Sir.
Blade: At least we’re going to have a distraction.
Hal: Yeah, think positive and hope they’re not talking about us big guy!
They shield goes down and the Van get to the nearest hangar.
A officer comes to great the captain. Hal get out of the Van first.
Hal: Hi officer, I’m Hal Jordan of the Green Lantern Corp and this installation never had a construction permit to build a structure of more than 3 floor. I’m sorry we are going to ask you to stop your work at this very moment. Inspectors are on their way and not a bolt must be screw before they evaluate your penalty. They officer seem very perplex and afraid for a moment. While this occur Blade sneak out of the Van and start finding is way to the main area of the DeathStar, away from they hangar bay. T-1000 upload the map of the DeathStar on Blade IPhone/datapad and sneak out as well.
Officer: no, no that can’t be right, our supervisor is going to kill someone.
Hal: I would like to speak with him.
The officer face seem to light up and he immediately make a call to a certain Vader, first name seem Darth. Hal waited another 10 min and this Mr Vader arrive in full black armor and helmet.
Vader: What is the meaning of all this?
Hal: Hi Mr. Vader.
Vader: It’s Lord actually.
Hal: Sorry, Lord Vader, some paper work was not fill and now the Green Lantern corp wants answer.
Vader: The Corp as no Juridiction in this part of the EMPIRE. ( Vader waves is hand and mind trick Hal that is cough of gard and miss is will check). What are you doing here.
Hal: I’m here to stall you while 2 of my operative are trying to kill the despot that call this station is home.
Vader: You wanna kill the emperor. Hum, I make a deal with you, if kill the man I let you live. If you fail, you die to.
Hal: Deal!
Half and an hour later the Rebel Fleet get into range and start attacking the Death Star. The emperor is Drinking a Cup of English Breakfast Tea while watching Rebel ship crash on his still operational shield when he sense a disturbance in the force. He then move is finger up and stop the blade of Blade sword a micron from his neck.
Emperor: You really tough it would be that easy. Man have tried to kill me but nothing can be compare to the Power of the Dar…….
While saying that the floor form himself around the emperor and start enveloping him of a thin layer of metal that seem to enter through all of his body cavity (insert gore effect please). T-1000 then reform himself around Palpatine body who is crush in less than 10 sec. ( insert Visual lightning effect please)
Blade: I told you to get us direction for escape.
T-1000: Told you I could kill him. And my pleasure for saving your life.
Blade:I could have kill him. And beside without me to keep is attention that would have been another story. Let’s go back to the Van.
They come back and Vader is discussing his jump to the darkside with Hal that give him hints on his own redemption as Paralax and how to let go.
Hal: Guy’s, I assume the Job is done.
Blade: Let’s get out. ( he look at Vader) Nice dud man. You should drop the mask.) and he enter the Van.
Vader: Go before I change my mind. As soon as the attack is over I will drop the shield for you.
Hal get to the control and they get out of the DeathStar. Almost at the same moment the shield drop and a bunch of Rebel ship seem to enter the station trough they unfinished part. While they go back into the Hawking Hole they see the DeathStar Explode.
Q: So if we just have waited he would have died anyway in that blast.
Blade: Seem so.
Hal: Let’s go back home guy’s.
Aboard the LH-834, the Team Casilda crew is unwinding a bit after the Talat Job. Helva’s projected her holographic image onto the wall so that Baltar will babble about God to it, rather than bothering anyone else – Helva’s researching new songs to learn, Garak’s scheming to find them another job, and Leeloo is catching up on listening to her favorite podcast, though she’s never seen the movie that they’re planning to watch this week (wink, wink). Garak concludes a phone call, and sits back in his chair, looking furtively at the others. Helva notices, and quickly turns off her holographic projection. Baltar is cut off mid-sentence, much to his dismay. Leeloo notices the sudden lack of background noise and turns to see what’s happening.
“We have another job.” Garak looked somewhat pleased with himself as he continued, “Helva, get us out of here!” Following the directions Garak transmits to her, Helva lifts off from Earth, slingshots around the sun, and heads to a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Team Casilda rendezvous with their employer, a mysterious representative of an unknown Rebel Alliance, who provides them with a mission outline, and a disc with mission details. Back on their own, the team watches the disc, featuring one Admiral Ackbar explaining the importance of the assassination of their target, and indicating their next move should be to leave the LH-834 in a safe place and use instead a ship called “Planet Express.”
“Planet Express? What kind of a ship name is that?” exclaimed Helva, nervous about leaving her home drifting through space. Her attitude worsened as she realized that the computer of this ship was sentient, and dismissed out of hand her desire to adapt herself to be able to control it. Having secured the LH-834, she found herself limited aboard the Planet Express, an entirely unpleasant experience.
“But do we really have to kill him? Is that truly necessary” whined Baltar, willfully forgetting the blood already on his hands, or perhaps, simply unwilling to add to it. “If this mission is truly righteous, God will guide our actions.” Leeloo and Garak gave each other sardonic looks, and ignored him while discussing their battle strategy. The most difficult part would, of course, be gaining access to this battle station.
Moff Tiaan Jerjerrod whistled nervously to himself as he toured the completed corridors of the second Death Star. Though rushed, he did have faith in the craftmanship of the robots and workers building the station. “Too bad the architect of this giant floating crap ball didn’t take into account any of the finer points in life,” he thought to himself as he passed yet another trash compactor. “How many of these can this need? How much trash is there to compact, really?!” He considered again the invitation he had received from an unknown mercenary to tour a new ship being offered up in service to the Empire. Getting a whiff from one of the functional trash compactors, Jerjerrod turned to write this man a response.
“Please, welcome, come aboard, Moff.” Garak could be ingratiating when he so chose; Leeloo hid her amusement lest it betray their purpose. “As I mentioned in my communique, we are new in this part of space, and looking to work for the best, so we came to you! Let me show you around…” Garak whisked the Moff away for a tour of the Planet Express. After 15 minutes aboard, the Moff insisted he didn’t need to see any more of it. “That sauna? You are sure it is alright for me to come use the sauna?”
“But of course! Our ship is your ship, so long as you do not alter our crew. What’s our first assignment?”
Dreaming of the sauna, Jerjerrod agreed to give them the necessary codes to link into the battle station’s systems, so long as they stayed nearby and he could use the sauna at his own convenience. “Yes, just, um, stay here. Close.”
Codes in hand, Garak smiled mischieviously at Helva. “M’dear, get to work, so the rest of us can do our jobs!” Several hours later, Helva had gained control of the systems of the station. “Now, let’s get to work!”
Garak’s part of the plan consisted in spreading misinformation among the ranks of the Imperial forces, while Helva acquires the necessary data to allow Leeloo to learn to be an Imperial Royal Guard. Baltar, having put his faith in God, wanders the corridors of the ship; several days after their arrival at the battle station, he wanders into the engine room and his attention is grabbed by the dark matter engines. “Fascinating! Space moves around us… the applications…”
Disguised as an Imperial Royal Guard, Leeloo stands in the Throne Room, target in sight. Palpatine murmurs constantly to himself, occasionally cackling. Peering at Leeloo, his murmuring rises to a level that the guards can hear - “yes, the force is strong with that one…” Though very powerful, and at one time in his life excellent at manipulation of the people around him, years of power have made Palpatine unappreciative and unaware of the social complexities of his own Royal Guard. The older, more experienced guards resent the Emperor’s overt interest in this newcomer. A number of them recall hearing gossip in the mess hall about Palpatine going senile; or no, was it that the rebels were coming to attack?; though nothing was as preposterous as the rumor about the moon mini-bears taking down the Stormtroopers, though a number of the guard relished that particular mental image.
One of the guards steps towards the Emperor to speak up, but before he gets the chance, Palpatine speaks: “leave me,” turning his throne to gaze out into space. The guard, resentful of Palpatine’s manner, opens his mouth to speak. “I said, leave.” Palpatine casually sends a bolt of Force Lightning that guard’s way, as the rest of them scurry out of the Throne room.
Meanwhile, Helva, seeing only one life sign in the Throne Room, and through other surveillance methods confirming that Leeloo was not that life sign, makes her move. The room is sealed, and Helva prompts the system to perform an emergency de-oxygenation of the room. She takes a film of Palpatine sitting on his throne, gasping for air as his life passes away from him. After sufficient time has passed, Helva re-oxygenates the room and Leeloo and Garak move in to verify that the target is down. Unsure of what to do with the body, they throw it down a ventilation shaft, savoring the irony.
From the Planet Express Baltar communicates his concern for the very existence of such a battle station, proposing that it should be destroyed. It turns out that Baltar was modifying the dark matter engines to be able to extend the field around the Death Star, bolstered by the equipment at the shield generator station on Endor. “And here we all thought you were being useless!” Helva exclaimed. Baltar gave her a dark look as Leeloo and Garak return to the Planet Express.
Life on the battle station goes on, even as the Planet Express comes ever closer and widens its field. As the Rebel Fleet jumps in to attack, the dark matter engines whisk the battle station away from Endor’s forest moon… much to their employer’s distress. Job well done, team.
At least, from their point of view. Watching the battle station disappear before his very eyes, Admiral Ackbar exclaims: “It’s a trap!”
Team Multimedia Girl Power! GO!
Step 1: Round up everyone and get them aboard the ship. This is slightly less easier than herding cats, since they are not only from different media but entirely different universes. Lana Kane will be in charge of this, since she’s the organizer of the group. Once she provides an excuse to Sookie’s boss, wrangles Plourr out of whatever cantina fistfight she’s gotten herself into, and digs Jordan out from whatever pile of lab equipment she’s found herself under, they’re ready to go.
Step 2: GET TO THE CHOPPA. I MEAN SHIP. Everyone wears seatbelts, except for Plourr for the five minutes it takes her to argue with the ship’s computer, and then punch it out and switch to manual control.
Step 3: And now, to the Hawking Hole!
Step 3: Sookie and Lana have their entrance covered. They are both busty and attractive! So as long as Plourr and Jordan stay in the back and keep their mouths shut, they’re good. Unfortunately for Sookie, her telepathy only works face to face. Fortunately for everyone, Lana’s super-awesome ISIS spy skills work everywhere. She cut’s off Sookie’s half-brained “We need to gas up” line and bluffs their way in with the power of boobs, an unholy awesome resource on the boob-starved comm officer because Imperials think that promoting women is stupid. Oh, also she feeds him a line about a surprise inspection that will surely fail upon closer inspection but will get them close enough for Sookie’s telepathy to do some good.
Step 4: Once aboard and safely past the guards, Plourr, Lana, and Sookie escort Jordan to a computer terminal where she uses the codes that Sookie is able to pluck from the guards, and she’s able to find the Death Star’s weak points. While they run out to find said weak points, Sookie over"hears" a mention of where the Emperor is. Oh no! What to do, blow up the Death Star and risk the Emperor escaping, kill the Emperor and risk being caught, or split up and risk failing at both?
Step 5a: Jordan and Plourr make their way to a catwalk just above the core, where Jordan pulls off her backpack and starts assembling a very complicated bomb from the very volatile things she brought with her. Here come a bunch of stormtroopers! Plourr starts shooting them with her blaster, and as they get closer she starts to settle for using her rifle as a club, but there’s so many of them!
Step 5b: Lana and Sookie sprint into the Emperor’s throne room. He cackles and starts to taunt them about their pitiful Rebel band. Sookie looks confused, Lana raises an eyebrow and asks if he’s gone senile. Palps frowns, looks out the window, and realizes that his ships are just sitting there and nobody’s started shooting. No Rebels anywhere. “It’s just you?” he asks. “Yuuuuuup,” Lana says. “Oh,” he says. “I wasn’t expecting that.” In the meantime, Sookie tries poking around in his head. Being a Sith, he feels it, and uses his Dark Side whammy to turn it back on her. Needless to say it’s not pleasant, and Lana goes to kick him in the head. Lightning! Lightning everywhere! And he’s laughing, and there’s lightning, and it looks like he’s going to win–
Step 6: And then a blaster takes him in the back, because he’s stupid and had his back to the door. There’s Jordan, with Plourr’s blaster, and Plourr beside her with a stormtrooper rifle, looking pissed off and bloodied, but still standing! Both of them shoot again, and then Lana takes advantage of the moment and kicks him in the head, and Jordan throws her blaster to Sookie, who is no stranger to guns and kneecaps Palps. Jordan informs them that there’s not much time left, and they have to get back to the ship. So they run, and they get aboard, and there’s faint booms in the background and everything’s starting to shake and go earthquakey.
Step 7: And they fly out with Groove Coverage’s “God is a Girl” playing, and the Death Star explodes, and then they all go to Merlotte’s and have drinks, except for Jordan because alcohol makes her weird. She has a Sprite with cherry juice instead.
The end!
A bit long probably, but i had a fun time with it 
Team ME: Leela-Pilot, Jack O’Neil-Recon, Scotty-Tech, Johnny Cage-MA
So our intrepid team is being sent on an assassination mission of a very bad guy. After getting the details Leela is ecstactic that she gets her ship back while Scotty is not so pleased with the state of repair it’s in.
The problem was trying to figure out how to take out the dictator and making it out alive as it was a huge defense sphere the size of a small moon. Being the leader he is, Jack comes up with a plan however, after Leela brags on how many of these she’s had to blow up already… and here is how it plays out…
After going through the “Hawking hole” which Leela insists is really the Fry hole, the repainted planet express ship heads towards the Death Sta… Defense Sphere. When getting close, they say they have a a special VIP movie star on board that is visiting for the ISO tour and also a special delivery for the Emper… local Despot.
Johnny Cage exits the ship and immediately starts signing autographs on some TK armor… and handing out DVD’s. Since he’s wearing sunglasses in doors, and it was announced a movie star was coming on board, they just assume he’s awesome and escort him to the banquet hall. One officer was left to deal with the shipment. When Jack comes out with a large black suitcase. He claims that this was the Emperor’s missing luggage from his shuttle and that the flying service was too scared to deliver it themselves so they had it sent by courier. Also it required the Emperor’s signature so he had to deliver it in person. The officer starts to escort Jack to the throne room.
After the coast is cleared, Leela and Scotty sneak off the ship. Scotty is amazed at some of the technology, but also thinks it’s no match to his beloved Enterprise.
When Jack gets through the elevator and past the red guards, he witnesses the despot killing an officer with lightning from his hands… apparently there was a disagreement over the air conditioning. After witnessing this, Jack decided that plan a was out the window. He delivers the case and gets the signature with a very grateful despot.
Meanwhile, most of the crew is in the banquet hall smoozing it up and getting drunk with Johnny Cage, they even break out the twi’lek dancers. This gives Leela and Scotty plenty of time to disable the station’s defense systems. They return to the ship where they meet up with Jack, and all are pissed that Cage hasn’t shown up yet. They get on the ship and with some of the junk laying around, Scotty is able to jury rig up a transporter system. As they beam johnny out, all the station goes to red alert trying to figure out what happened, fortunately most of them are drunk so nothing really gets done.
As the PE ship leaves the docking bay, the sphere can’t lock on and none of the tie pilots can fly straight enough to shoot them down.
At this point, they all ask Jack if he was able to take the empe…despot out, when in Jack slyly says… “not exactly”.
Frustrated and knowing it was gonna come down to this anyways, Leela pulls a U-Turn and heads into the defense sphere’s inner tunnel system through it’s open framework. She is able to menuver through and blast the core with some special torpedoes Scotty rigged up. As everything starts blowing up around them, Leela gets them out only taking off one of the fins of the ship in the process. So they manage to accomplish the mission thanks to Leela’s great flying. “I lost count, but i think that makes 3 if you don’t count the death sphere V-GINY since we didn’t actually blow that up. You can all thank me now” Leela says.
As they are getting out, they notice the “Fry hole” is far away and is closing… they all turn to Scotty and tell him to do something about it. He starts working on the problem as Jack starts hounding him every little bit… “Cap…err… Colonel, i cannae changes the laws of physics… but i have an idea”
As the hole is almost closed and they are still too far away, they fire a specially rigged up inverted phaser from the Planet Express’s beam emitter. This keeps the hole open long enough for them to make it through back to the real world.
Special Delivery:Payable On Death
Part one.
The motley crew of operatives sat around the table in the in the dive bar on the edge of town, you know the one. The four had been recruited by code name “Low Life”, a heavy hitter in the mercenary business. The one wearing a red vest, cut off jeans, and a straw hat ate something that resembled old shoe leather that had been drenched in motor oil rolled in the dirt and left out in the sun for a week.
“Your gonna get sick if you keep eating that buddy.”
He didn’t stop stuffing his face, “no I won, dis is goo wan some?” he offered the plate over to the cat wearing a blue jumpsuit and a black skull cap covering his eyes.
“N-no, that’s okay, all you buddy,” he took a sip of milk and immediately spit it out, “yuck, that’s nasty, this place sucks why do we have to meet here?”
“Because this is where the letter said to meet, we don’t really get much choice if we want to get paid,” the other cat in similar clothing said, “besides this guy doesn’t seem to mind”, he gestured to the man wearing a trench coat, fedora hat, and a strange mask that randomly changed shape.
The masked man spoke with a gravely voice, “don’t mind, prefer this kind of place, no prying eyes, better to do business,” he undraped a sugar cube, lifted his mask just over his mouth and ate the sugary morsel.
“I’m glad to see everyone is getting along,” a man sat down at the table. He wore a black long sleeve shirt, denim vest with many patches and pins on it, a long bandana with a blue flame pattern, jeans, and heavy black boots, “let’s not waste time.”
The cat who drank the bad milk said, “are you Low Life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid we haven’t been properly introduced.”
“I’m T-bone.”
The other cat said, “Razor.”
The masked man said, “Rorschach.”
The one in the straw hat said, “M oofy,” nom, chomp, gulp.
“Uh, yes, it’s good to finally meet all of you.”
T-bone looked around the room and said, “so what’s this job you got for us?”
Low Life coldly said, “there’s a man I want dead.”
Rorschach said, “Reason?”
“I own a vacation home on a small moon called Endor, very nice, the natives can be a little annoying but still very relaxing.”
Gulp, Luffy finished his meal, “what kind of food do they have there?”
Low Life looked a little confused, “Uh, it’s all forest, so you have to bring your own food, anyway recently the local government has started construction on a large installation,” he reached into the pocket on the inside of his vest and pulled out a picture of a large white sphere.
Razor looked at the photo and said, “that looks like a small moon.”
Low Life glared at the photo, “that’s no moon, it’s a pain in my a**.”
T-bone said, “so what does this have to do with the mission?”
“The position of this large white hemorrhoid happens to be in the path of my satellite dish, so no T.V., no internet, no gaming,it also cast a shadow on my pool. It really puts a damper on my relaxing time, I go crazy when I can’t listen to the new podcasts,” he lit up a cigarette, took a long drag and continued, “put simply I want you to go to this station, kill the man in charge, and rid the sky of that thing, a simple job for the four of you.”
Rorschach said, “who is the target?”
“The emperor of the local galaxy,” he pulled out another photo, “this is him.”
Razor grimaced at the photo, “ick, not even a mother could love that.
T-bone said, “I don’t know why you went through the trouble to hire us to kill this guy, he looks like he’s about to die soon anyway.”
Low Life smiled and said, “a wise man once said ‘the good die young but pr**** live forever.’”
Razor said, “I already see a problem here.”
“Yes?”
“We really don’t have the technology needed to go into space.”
Low Life smiled and said, “already taken care of, through my contacts I have procured a space ship that with the aid of a ‘Hawking Hole’ can easily reach your destination.”
Luffy’s eyes lit up, “a space ship, oh that is so cool!”
Low Life snubbed out his cigarette, “I’m glad you approve, now there is one other detail, the construction of this station is almost done so you have 24 hours to complete your mission.”
The four got up from the table.
T-bone said, “I guess we better get going.”
“Wait you’ll need these,” he tossed him an envelope, “in there are directions to the storage lot where the space ship is and the keys as well, the ship is pre-programmed to fly to the Hawking Hole but after that your on your own, and your free to do what you want with the ship.”
The four headed for the door Razor looked back and said, “well be back in no time.”
Luffy started shouting, “oh man this is gonna be so cool!”
Low Life watched them leave, “heh, a hot shot pilot, a guy who made a jet out of scrap in a junk yard, a masked vigilantly, and a bat-s*** crazy pirate, this is gonna be interestingSpecial Delivery:Payable On Death
Part Two.
After emerging from the Hawking Hole the ship headed for the station, they had decided to leave the delivery logo on the ship and use that as a way to land on the station. Using the local holo net Razor hacked into the registry and broadcasted that they had a delivery for a janitor, he also found the layout for the station. Amazingly it worked and minutes they were in the landing bay. The plan was for Luffy to stuff himself into a box and have Rorschach deliver the package, at the same time Razor was going to sneak around and find the control room and sabotage the station.
Rorschach stepped off the ship and was welcomed by three armed storm troopers. One of them said, “we are to escort you to the crew quarters where you will make you delivery and then we will escort you back to your ship, do you understand?”
Rorschach said, “yes.” the four of them headed for the nearest lift.
At the same time Razor opened a hatch in the top of the ship and used his grappling hook to climb up to the ceiling and enter a ventilation shaft.
T-bone stayed on the ship keeping in touch with everyone with a private com-link in case something went wrong. So far the plan was going off without a hitch.
Once they were in the lift one of the storm troopers kept looking at Rorschach’s mask. Rorschach asked, “something wrong?”
The trooper said, “I’ve never seen a mask like that, what’s it mean?”
Rorschach said, “it helps me face the world, but everyone who looks at it comes up with their own meaning for it.”
The trooper said, “I don‘t understand,” the other troopers watched him very closely.
Rorschach took a step closer to the trooper, he put his free hand into his pocket and said, “tell me what you see!?” he dropped the box and activated the Small EMP that Razor had given him. The lights went off and the lift stopped for a few seconds. That was all the time he needed to take out the three troopers. They tried desperately to shoot him but their blasters were left useless thanks to the EMP. When the lights came on and the lift started to move three dead troopers laid at Rorschach’s feet.
Luffy, still in the box said, “what just happened?”
“Don’t worry, it’s taken care of.”
“Okay, but don’t drop me again, that hurt.”
Rorschach looked at the lift controls and saw a large gold button with the words #1 Emperor underneath it, “not much for security, wouldn’t be surprised if there was a large hole in the station you could fly a ship into,” he pressed the button and the lift went up to it’s new destination.
Razor had crawled through the stations ventilation shaft using the com-link to have T-bone guide him to the control room. Thanks to T-bone’s directions he had safely made it to his destination. Through the vent he could see that the room was filled with engineers, high ranking officials, and guards. He slipped a gas mask over his face and pressed a button on his glove-o-tricks. A small tube extended out, he put the tube through the vent and gas started filling the room. Within seconds everyone in the room had passed out. He pushed open the vent and jumped gown the floor and went over to the main computer. He programmed all of the stations thrusters and stabilizer’s to fire at full blast when he sent a signal through the com-link. The plan was to send the station spinning at such a high speed that it would tear itself apart and spin off into space. Once he was done he jumped into the vent and headed back to the ship.
Rorschach and Luffy, now out of the box, reached the floor were the emperor was. When they stepped out of the lift and were met by two guards dressed in blood red robes standing in front of a large blast door. Luffy easily dropped the two of them with one punch each. The two of them entered the main chamber and saw two people, at least they thought they were people. The first one they saw was a large man dressed in black with a helmet completely covering his face. The other man was seated in a large chair, when he heard the door open he and the helmeted man turned to look to see who had entered the room.
“What is the meaning of this?” he spoke like he was gargling asphalt and milk, “how dare you enter my private chamber, Vader, destroy them.”
Vader bowed his head slightly and said, “shoo-haw, as you wish, my master, shoo-haw,”
Rorschach said, “that’s the target, let’s hurry.”
Luffy looked at the emperor and said, “What’s wrong with your face”
The emperor said, “red light sabers are bad for your health.”
“You look like a lizard on a bad day.”
The emperor was furious, he stood up and said, “how dare you, Vader, I shall kill them myself!” He pointed his fingertips at the two and lighting shot out. Rorschach jumped out of the way just in time, but Luffy just stood there. The lightning engulfed him, the emperor started laughing, when the lightning cleared Luffy stood there completely unharmed.
Luffy smiled at him, “was that all?”
The emperor let out another blast of lightning with the same result. He said, “What are you, why won’t you die?”
Luffy just grinned at him. Rorschach still against a side wall decided the fight was better left to Luffy.
The emperor said, “very well I shall now show you the full power of the Dark Side,” he pulled back the hood of his robe, his hair looked like Albert Einstein’s if Einstein had stuck his tongue in a light socket. He then reached into the sleeve of his robe and pulled out…a balloon. He started to rub the balloon against his head in order to generate static boosting his lightning power.
Luffy looked at Vader and said, “is he serious?”
Vader looked down at the ground, “…yes, shoo-haw.”
Rorschach said, “why do you follow this guy?”
“Promises were made.”
Luffy said, “did he keep them?”
“Shoo-…,” Vader’s respiratory devise stopped for a moment, “no…no he didn’t,” he grabbed the emperor and lifted him up over his head and rushed toward a large shaft that was conveniently in the center of the room.
The emperor used his lightning on Vader screamed, “what are you doing!? Put me down, put me down!” Vader threw him over the ledge and he fell to his death.
Vader leaned against the railing, he put his hand to his head and said, “my god the lightning, it stopped the voices, they’re gone,” he stood up and looked out the window into space for a few seconds, “oh god all the people I’ve hurt, what have I done?” He then jumped over the railing to his death yelling out, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Back in the ship T-bone kept an eye on things. Everything seemed to be going alright until he glanced out of the entrance to the landing bay and saw ship after ship enter the space from light speed, it looked like an entire fleet. He grabbed the com-link and said, “everyone back to the ship now! We’ve got a problem.”
Luffy looked at Rorschach then at the shaft, “well that was weird.”
“yes, but at least the job is done, let’s go.”
They started for the door when T-bone contacted them through the com-link, “everyone back to the ship now! We’ve got a problem.” Luffy and Rorschach hurried back to the lift.
Razor had just made it back to the vent he first entered after leaving the ship when T-bone called everyone back to the ship. He opened it and said, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” and climbed down using the grappling hook. Once he was back in the ship T-bone told him about the situation. He asked, “have Rorschach and Luffy completed their mission?”
“Don’t know, they haven’t called in at all.”
Rorschach’s voice came through the com-link, “what’s going on?”
“The base is about to be attacked, where are you?”
“In the lift, be there soon,” the com-link clicked off.
In a few minutes the they were in the hanger quickly headed for the ship, by that time a few troopers had noticed the fleet advancing on the station and sounded the alert. Everyone was so preoccupied that they did not notice the green ship lift off and speed out of the hanger. T-bone pushed the ship as fast as it could go. Razor activated the com-link that fired the thrusters on the station. Immediately it began to spin out of control.
Luffy shouted, “whoa cool, what did you do?”
Razor beamed, “nothing special, just put the entire station in an out of control spin that will send it out into space and rip itself apart.”
Rorschach said, “very nice.”
Luffy looked confused, “I don’t get it.”
Razor said, “uh never mind.”
T-bone pointed out the front window and shouted, “whoa! Look at that!” Another fleet had appeared behind the first one, “it’s like they’re blocking them in.”
Razor exclaimed, “it’s a trap!”
The station started to spin even faster and move toward the two fleets at an alarming speed. They never had a chance. They were completely destroyed by the giant sphere of death.
T-bone said, “it’s like watching a tornado tear through a trailer park.”
With their mission complete they headed back through the Hawking Hole and made their way back to earth for coffee and donuts.
Sorry it’s a little long but I hope you enjoyed it.
Team Wild
In the spirit of sleep deprivation induced by an 8 week old puppy I hereby invoke Chuck Lorre Productions Vanity Card #111 for Team Wild’s solution to this week’s challenge.
OK, I don’t know what time it is in the USA right now, but I hope I make the lunchtime deadline. I haven’t been able to post last week or earlier this week due to work craziness and super stress which I won’t go into here. In any case, sorry!
To recap, my team:
Pilot/Driver: Anakin Skywalker
Tech Expert: John Connor
Recon Expert: Mystique
Martial Artist: River Tam
The U.S.S. Planet Express came to a sudden halt just past the entrance to the Hawking Hole, causing it’s occupants to jolt forward in a manner found comical to Anakin, who was strapped into the pilot’s seat.
“Watch it,” snarled Mystique.
“You want the job done gently, or you want it done fast?” replied Anakin.
“Cut it out,” said John, stepping between the two. “We’ve got enough on our plate without bickering between ourselves. Now we’ve gone over the plan, are you ready?”
The others nodded in agreement. “Alright then, let’s take our places”. The three passengers began to file down to the cargo bay, with Anakin calling after them, “good luck!”.
Mystique retorted without looking back, “with your flying we’ll need it”.
They locked their harnesses with a snap onto the side of the ship.
Anakin rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder, then set off away from the Hole. As the ship approached patrol range, an escort of four TIE fighters locked onto the wings. A voice from the control centre crackled over the radio, “Unidentified vessel, state your intentions and clearance code”.
Anakin replied, “Cargo vessel 9503BW, no passengers, request clearance for landing”.
The voice repeated, “State your clearance code”
“You mean the one I just gave you?” smirked Anakin.
There was momentary silence, then, “ah yes, 9503BW, you are cleared for landing”.
“Gets them every time”, sighed Anakin.
Planet Express cruised into the docking bay of the moon-like space station and came to a gentle landing. Two guards approached, and Anakin lowered the ramp to the cargo bay. As they marched up, they turned to the right to inspect the cargo bins. Out of the darkness, River silently pounced. John grabbed the guards’ radio and inserted the locator beacon.
“I’ll hack into the security feed. I’ll let you know if there’s trouble”.
Mystique asked River, “Is he on board?”.
River nodded.
Mystique emerged from the cargo bay, looked up to the control tower and spoke into the radio, “We’re all clear here. We’ll be inspecting this lot for awhile, there’s a lot of gear”. Control acknowledged, as being so close to the launch security was thorough.
Anakin strolled out casually, and said, “I’m off to use the men’s”. Mystique rolled her eyes inside her helmet. “Control I’m going to escort him inside”. They set off, and Anakin glanced at the radio and located the signal John had hacked. They set off as quickly as they dared.
Soon they were close to the power centre of the Death Star. Mystique rounded each corner first, with John slipping quietly behind.
“According to John’s intel, we’re close to the source. The signal’s getting stronger.”
Mystique replied, “I’ll stand guard, you go in”. Anakin entered the last door and found himself in a cavernous area, with huge vertical power cables running as far as the eye could see. He produced the nuke from beneath his brown robes.
Suddenly, Mystique and Anakin felt a piercing pain in what felt like the epicenter of their brains. They briefly doubled over, and Mystique glanced through the doorway and gave the signal to Anakin. He planted the device and set the timer, then joined Mystique in the hallway.
“Damn, that River is one effective crazy chick, but I wish her smoke signals didn’t hurt so much.” Mystique nodded in agreement as they both set off as fast as they dared. As they rounded the last corner, they saw the source of River’s distress. There were a lot of guards milling around the loading dock. Mystique called over the radio to control, “what’s the situation”.
“Stowaway on the Naboo cruiser, no papers.”
Anakin and Mystique sauntered casually past the hubub, and walked up the ramp of their ship.
“Phew, false alarm”, breathed Anakin.
With the Nabooian diversion conveniently in place, Anakin’s crew melted into the shadows of the belly of their ship, while he made his way back to the bridge. He easily navigated the clearance procedue with the control tower, and punched it towards the Hawking Hole.
Suddenly a burst of brilliant orange exploded in the distance as the Death Star broke apart into a billion pieces.
Mission Type: Infiltrate and Sanction
Conveniently, Bluntman’s alter-alter-ego is known to hang out around the QuickStop on Level 17 of this Death Star. Also conveniently, in order to complete a project of this scale quickly and quietly, the Imperials needed to bring in a lot of independent contractors, plumbers, welders, roofers, etc.
That means the workers will need a regular and ready stream of supplies and equipment.
Bluntman, already inside, accesses a terminal behind the QuickStop on L17 and proceeds to add one delivery shipment to the schedule, filling in the hull markings they’ve added to the retrofitted and repainted Space Delivery Van (in Imperial White, because there’s so much of it floating around space).
He happens to stumble across a very buried signal being transmitted from within the station. With his great deduction skills he determines this code is being sent by a Bothan on station, and that it includes plans and security codes for the station, which happen to be two great boons to getting the rest of the team in.
Scott Bernard pilots the ship in free and clear, with only a minor hiccough for having an older security code, even though it does check out. They dock in the hanger for Contractor Deliveries and proceed to unload multiple pallets marked “Aluminum Siding” and “Drywall”.
Mkoll and Ven, being rather short men covered in blue tattoos, pass themselves off as near-Human Xenos, speaking only in Proto-Gothic to reinforce the point and sew confusion if anyone should stop or question them. The falsified procurement orders have Mkoll and Mkvenner delivering various pallets and supplies within two decks and two sections of the Despot’s chamber.
“Aluminum Siding” crates actually contain a composite of ground aluminum, magnesium and iron oxide, mounted to a facing of linoleum and paint primer. The “Drywall” is just drywall, though several sheets in the middle of each pallet have been cut out to hide thermal detonators, G-4, and a couple tube charges. On route they grab a couple plasma torches and appropriate fuel tanks to help “dress” the storage area for their delivered supplies.
Bluntman taps the security feeds and relays them to the Delivery Vehicle, to ensure the target is actually in the kill zone. Once confirmed, he leaves the leads of his jury-rigged tap in place, though he will have trouble closing the access terminal cover now that he has a Hitachi Magic Wand wedged inside.
Rally is at the delivery ship for extraction. As the infiltrators gather at docking bay, they blow the packages of high explosives, which in turn ignites the plasma torch fuel packs and the doped sheets of thermite. It is then a mad rush to board and launch as The Despot’s chamber flames internally before being blown out to vacuum as the surrounding structure has been completely destroyed. Chaos reigns. The team offers to assist in “search and recovery” to ensure they have killed the target. Once the kill is confirmed (or assured) the team exits the system.
Mission Complete.
All right not the most eloquently typed solution but I’ll work on that. I now present…
Going Out With A BANG!
-
The team loads the transport ship with 7 tons of ultritium explosives and a specially modified R2 unit, then depart through the Hawking Hole.
-
John Crichton, having seen this movie before, knows that the target will be drawn to strong force users so they will let him detect Anakin Solo. They will then let the ship dock in the nearest docking bay.
-
When an Imperial Royal Guard comes to take Anakin to the emperor Race Bannon will subdue him with his combination of judo and Special Forces moves. He will then take his place taking Anakin to the throne room.
-
Meanwhile Ryu Hyabusa will use his ninja stealth and battle prowess to sneak to two key points on the station, the tractor beam generator control node and the sensor array for that area of the battle sphere. Anakin has given him a data pad with an anti-protocol worm that will destroy computer systems making it look like a power glitch while technicians try to finish working out the bugs in the system to get it operational. After this sabotage Ryu heads back to the transport.
-
Anakin and Race come to the throne room where the emperor give his whole “give in to the power of the dark side…blah blah…rule the galaxy with me blah…blah…” speech. To this Anakin replies “You may have lured my grandfather to the dark side with promises of candy and power but it won’t work on me!” So the emperor, furious with this answer commands Vader to finish him. Now Race reveals his presence and helps Anakin to fight Vader while the emperor watches from his chair in front of his big window.
-
While the emperor is distracted by the fight in his office he doesn’t notice the transport ship, flown with precision by John Crichton, fly right through his big window to land right on top of him. Now he won’t die from just that, that’s too easy, he’s merely stunned. Using the distraction of the big ship flying through the window (which is plugged up with the ship if you’re wondering why everyone is not sucked out into space right now) Race pushes Vader down the big hole in the middle of the room (gee that hole sure is convenient?).
-
The team begins unloading the ultritium and the special R2 which is really a sophisticated bomb made to ignite the ultritium. The team then loads back into the transport to make their escape.
-
Due to Ryu’s sabotage the military forces in the area can’t pinpoint their location as they rocket their way back through the hawking hole just as the explosives go off. Now as everyone knows the explosive yield of 7 tons of ultitium explosives is well needless to say big. The explosion is so big it sends what’s left of the station careening wildly off into space. (see they even saved the cute teddy bear creatures that are indigenous to the planet) Mission complete YAY!
Our ladies take on extra cargo and passengers, including a Roller Derby Team and arena, as a decoy delivery to the Sphere as a distraction to the actual mission.
On the way, they notice a decrease in passengers… They have discovered that Ripley, the ship’s software personality has been killing them off!
Ellen distracts Ripley by having heart to heart conversations on raising an Incredible family while trying to maintain ‘me’ time while Jane tinkers with Ripley’s logarithms to buy time.
Once at the Sphere, Jamie and Lien entice the despot to the ship with an invitation to see some real Roller Derby action! The Despot can’t resist!
During the Derby, Jamie launches Jane (wearing heavy taser-enabled body armor) at the Despot! The unexpected shock stuns him long enough for Lien to hog-tie him to the negatively charged chair, hampering his attempts to free himself!
Jane tells Ripley the Evil Despot is just there to ruin the party, and Ripley orders everyone out of the ship so she can deal with him!
And everyone knows you should listen to Ripley.
RIPieces, Despot!
Okay, I cheated. Added a paragraph after the fact. Probably being a bit too dark with Graystone’s chararacter, but at least now I’ve added some motivation details. (Sorry David Eick, Sorry Ron Moore :o )
Don’t see that as cheating when everyone has until noon today to get their entries in/edited for the competition. 
You mean the trunk?