Team Morally Ambiguous
Pilot: Tom Paris
Tech: Topher Brink
Recon: Gollum
Martial Artist: Faith the vampire slayer
The Nazgul looked up and felt the one ring’s presence leaving the atmosphere. Their leader mounted his flying steed of evil and urged his fellows to the heavens.
Thoughts of recovering the ring sustained them all the way, until they breached Earth’s atmosphere and began to suffocate. Apparently, even evil needs to breathe.
Faith gathered her team before her; the green ship had taken some getting used to, but here they were, dropped off outside the target’s sensor range, ready to strike.
“Alright team, everybody know their jobs? Look happy – and Gollum, try not to eat anyone. Unless it’s Palpatine – then you can go ahead.”
Tom Paris flew the ship right up to the main dock of the Death Star, where everyone could see. He saw at least one cannon pointed their way before a voice came over the intercom.
“What are you doing at our secret base? Surrender, rebel scum!”
“Hold on there, sweet cheeks,” Faith purred. “We’re from the ESO – the Evil Services Organization. We’re here to entertain you stormtroopers while you’re fighting the battle for galactic dominance. Look at our sign if you don’t believe us.”
The storm trooper peered at their green ship, and sure enough, ESO was painted in violent purple letters on both sides. “Well, a sign like that would never lie. Go ahead and dock and we’ll meet you there.”
Once they were docked, Faith and company crawled out of the ship and met the stormtroopers who came to greet them. “You are just the cutest things I’ve seen in months," she said. "Where’s your staging area – you know, where our lord and emperor can impart his wisdom to the galaxy at large? That will be the perfect place for the show!”
The blushing stormtrooper showed them the way – straight down and to the left of the torture wing.
The show was ready to go an hour later. Topher, as emcee, strolled to center stage.
“Thank you, thank you, for all being here and defending us from the rebel terrorists. This show is our small way of saying thanks. First up, we have Gollum, our disappearing magician! He only knows one trick, but you’ll never guess how he does it!”
Gollum strolled downstage, turned his back to the audience, and disappeared (he had learned his lesson; his precious was now on a steel necklace Faith had helped him construct). He walked down an aisle, climbed onto a stormtrooper’s head, and reappeared.
The crowd gasped and applauded; he repeated his trick, this time by throwing himself into the crowd, mosh-pit style, and reappearing mid-flight. The ending was a bit rough, but he made it through.
“Let’s give Gollum another round of applause!” Gollum left the stage, and after a quick high-five, Faith showed him a map of the corridors and sent him on a special assignment.
Faith took over the microphone, giving Topher time to prepare his act. “Folks, the show is just getting started. After a short break, we’re going to treat you to the comic stylings of Topher Brink, the galaxy’s funniest misanthrope!”
Topher hit the stage, note cards in hand.
“So folks, did you hear this one – the Emperor and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar…”
crickets
“How about this one – Darth Vader meets a dolphin, and kills him for being too cute?”
crickets
“How do crickets even get on a Death Star?”
silence
“Well folks, that’s enough for the warm up act,” Faith interrupted him. “Let’s hear it for Topher!” The crowd clapped politely.
The lights fell. Faith stepped out on the stage, wearing an overlong trench coat and a coy smile. “Topher,” she whispered. “The lights are all setup?”
“Yes, yes, those guys out there won’t know what hit ‘em.”
“STORMTROOPERS! Here’s what you’ve been waiting for. You’ve read about it in books you’ve burnt, but let me present now, FAITH and the DANCE OF THE SEVEN VEILS!”
The lights, enhanced to connect with the brains of the stormtroopers and make them both sleepy and content (just like at Empire Thanksgiving Day), shined on Faith as she slowly dropped her trenchcoat…to reveal herself covered in only flimsy scarves.
She let one drop during her first handstand…
The Emperor looked around his room; below, he could hear the stormtroopers hooting and hollering at the show, and he wished he could join them.
But with great evil comes great responsibility, he reminded himself. Ultimate power comes with a price, and well, kinship with his fellow evildoers was it.
Ah well, maybe one day he’ll find that special slave wench he could live out his reign with; the evil had proved to be quite the wench magnet.
Behind him, he saw his door open for a few seconds, as if a ghost had wandered through it. Sigh, he thought. I miss my old Death Star; this one has too many bugs in it.
He lay down, thinking about whether or not to accept Vader’s offer for checkers, but he wasn’t quite in the mood; the lad had gotten a bit too involved with the trash talk, and it was all he could do to not Force choke Vader at every other turn.
He never saw Gollum; he just felt a whisp of air as the littlest recon officer slashed his throat.
Faith was almost done (and almost naked) when the Topher radioed her earpiece. “Faith, Gollum and Tom are in the ship. Time to go.”
One veil left, she thought. “Eh, I’ve come this far.” With one dramatic and slow back flip, the last veil fell and the lights went out.
Topher’s voice barely reached the ears of the slack-jawed stormtroopers. “You’ve been great fellows. Keep up the good fight, and we will win this war! See you next year!”
Tom piloted the ship away, quickly (too quickly) flying back to the rendezvous spot.
“Hey guys, check this out.” He pulled out a remote and pressed the glowing red button. They turned just in time to see hangar deck they were just in explode…along with half the Death Star. The other half was slowly collapsing when Faith turned on Tom.
“When did you do that?”
“While you guys were performing, I met a very cute and very lonely stormtrooper gal who showed me around, and kindly looked the other way while I set up some explosives. I, uh, gave her a lift too. Trust me, she’s a rebel at heart.”
“I thought all stormtroopers were men,” Topher said.
“There’s always one, you just got to know where to look,” Tom smirked. “And just think, now we’ll get the bonus for destroying the Death Star too!”
