We are a community first and foremost. I find the Bitch & Moan thread VERY theraputic and use it often.
I am not personally dealing with depression, but a very good friend has a husband suffering right now. He has taken a leave off his job, which is a step in the right direction, but I am worried about all of them.
The forum is a great place to get uplifted. When I need a quick boost, I head to the gutter thread. I’m glad you’re part of our community!
For a number of reasons I won’t get into here, I don’t share the same comfort that Starbuccaneer, Talos, and others do in a publicly accessible space, even if the space happens to be the home of the friendliest people in scifi. That being said, I know from experience that dealing with depression is not fun at all and can be a very difficult struggle to overcome. I wish you the best of luck on your path to feeling better, Fifinella and hope it comes soon for you!
I’ve a long LONG history of depression, looking back I know I was showing signs of depression and anxiety when I was in primary school, but it was the 80’s and Thatcher was in charge and there was a strike every week and no-one noticed. It went on for so long that “quiet and thoughtful” became my default setting, I managed to fall in “love” with my depression, I let it become me so that I didn’t have to fight it.
It was constantly being added to, and I’d just absorb the pain rather than deal with it. Problems with my family? Absorb! Brain telling me things my body denied? ABSORBED! HIDDEN AWAY! The time I was raped? well, okay, yes, that one was a bit harder to file away, but eventually it was just folded into who I was.
I tried to kill myself a LOT, mostly when I was in my teens, but I think when I was younger I may have been trying vaguely, there was a definate sense of being careless in the things I did, but I can;t say for sure.
It wasn’t until I was kind of FORCED to confront myself that I started dealing with myself, and as I understand it, that’s the case for some people, and once I did it got better, it’s not gone away, it never will, but I am able to deal with what I have going on in my head.
I’ll admit that changing gender isn’t a cure for a lot of people, but it took SO much weight off me that I’m more confident and comfortable in who I am and who I used to be, but it’s also important to me that I just had to let things go, to just send them fluttering away like bastard butterflies into the sky. For me there was no point holding on to the past, the past sucked, I’m all about the future now, they have Jet packs!
Ultimately I think the best way to deal with being depressed is to find the right person to talk to, it can be anyone and you may be suprised by who it is. Mine was a vague friends Girlfriend who seemed to “get” me and would ask the right questions and I think that’s the hardest thing to find, someone that will listen rather than just wait till they can talk. I’v had a million therapists or shrinks that just want to talk AT you rather than talk TO you.
And I read that back and it’s like reading the frantic gibberish of Tir Na Nog… sigh …I’ll try an edit later once I’ve humaned myself up a bit!
So, this is my night of oversharing on the forum, but I’ve got some more in me, I think.
First, TNM, I never stop being impressed by your frankness. One of the hardest things about mental illness is all the shame. One of the only strategies for decreasing that shame that we can all contribute to is being honest about the role that depression plays in our lives. That doesn’t mean sharing every detail to every person, or derailing every conversation with a detailed accounting of every therapy ever tried, but it can mean treating it the way you do, like it’s just one more facet of all the things that make you who you are. The more awesome people like you are willing to share, the better we’ll all be. So thanks.
Secondly, I totally second the thought that the right therapist is a godsend. I worked with one woman for two years who was so good at asking the right questions, and so easy to talk to, and practiced the perfect blend of cognitive-behavioral and traditional talk therapy. I never found anyone who I meshed as well with, before or since.
Unfortunately, even if the U.S. had a better healthcare system for helping folks with depression, no system can do the work for us of talking to a bunch of different people until we find the ones who work for us. There’s a huge subjective element.
I had a really rough week last week, mental health wise, and it got me thinking about how for years and years I thought of myself as broken inside–convinced that I’d never get my sh*t together and be able to unreservedly feel joy again. And how even though I’m never going to be totally free of cyclical spells of depression and wonky brain chemistry, I have so much more faith in myself and my own strength these days. I know that part of the difference is growing up, getting to know myself, and not having teenage hormones anymore. But another huge part of it is having found and built communities and friendships that give me perspective, encouragement, love, support, all that emotional ooey-gooey that I don’t feel comfortable talking about most of the time. It makes a huge, life changing difference. So, thanks, GWC, for being part of that for me.
I just typed a huge response to this and then accidentally hit F5 and lost it all.
Suffice it to say Yes. I deal with my ADD daily. Sometimes I think I need a keeper. Plus, my ADD feeds my depression feeds my ADD, etc. My sister on the other hand, is ADHD, and her companion issue is anxiety. Conversely, the more I get my depression in hand, the more my ADD is manageable, and vice versa.
I was on Adderall for it at one point, but my insurance company changed their policies and I had to switch to the generic, and it didn’t work for me. I have not tried anything else, as my new insurance company has most of the ADD drugs on a tier which means I have to pay the majority of the cost, and I cannot afford $100 a month in prescriptions. So I self-medicate with caffeine. Lots and lots of caffeine.
But I’ve also learned coping skills. I set an alarm to remind me when to leave for work. I have a routine that I follow to keep up with my responsibilities. Sometimes it fails a bit (I set up email reminders to pay bills, and then I forget to check my email.) The house still gets out of control sometimes, and projects will get abandoned here and there. But I’m managing. I know I’d manage better on meds, but I keep forgetting to check into what options are available to me. snort
Shame was a BIG thing for me to get over, It was drilled into me how “wrong” I was in every way, and the first time I did pretty much anything to “become myself” I felt like I was going to have a heart attack or be struck down from space or something. I remember intensely the first time I put on a dress, It was just madness in my head, and every step I took the shame got worse, but my sense of self became stronger, and eventually I just burned my shame gene out, if I hadn’t I’d never have gone outside that first time in that shapeless purple dress… ah, memories.
Okay, I do have a sense of shame, I’m not a sociopath or anything, but I forced myself through it, sometimes, for some people a brute force approach works.
I got VERY lucky in that my “therapist” is a friend, when I met her she was just my friends girlfriend, now it’s like she’s my big little sister.
I thought about killing myself today.
I was going to take all my pain pills and open a vein in the bath.
I thought about it for less than a second, it’s an automatic response from my brain to “suggest” that option. You’re right, you’re bnever going to be free, your brain is your greatest asset and worst enemy. You find your heaven in places and eventually get a shortcut wired into yourself. It still sucks, but you do get the benefit of feeling a bit better eventually, and that little ray of light is sooooooooooo warm.
Funny you mention teenage hormones, Mine were totally an accelerant for my depression too, Stoopid boys bits! I didn’t WANT chest hair! 
Damn, no sense making from me again! :s
[QUOTE=Apollymy;380241But I’ve also learned coping skills. I set an alarm to remind me when to leave for work. I have a routine that I follow to keep up with my responsibilities. Sometimes it fails a bit (I set up email reminders to pay bills, and then I forget to check my email.) The house still gets out of control sometimes, and projects will get abandoned here and there. But I’m managing. I know I’d manage better on meds, but I keep forgetting to check into what options are available to me. snort[/QUOTE]
…that all sounds pretty much like how I live… aw man, I don’t want another brain issue! 
My oldest son has ADHD and HubAZ likely did too, but wasn’t treated for it. I wonder about myself at times. I do much better during the school year when there’s routine and structure to my day. Summer break had been great, but I’m feeling a bit lost and am actually ready for work to start again on Aug 10, just so I can get back on a schedule.
I do hope the original poster is doing better, was going to shoot her a PM a while ago, but she has it disabled…it’s never an easy road, but the admission is a big big step…
That’s absolutely true, and I think it’s important to say that while you struggle with depression for a time, eventually you’ll hopefully just learn to live with it, not that it’ll go away, not that it won’t be a MASSIVE pain in the arse sometimes, but it becomes something you live with and learn to work around.
…
…
like a husband. 
And that joke was brought to you by Joan Rivers circa 1964.
Gotta love Joan.
I have PMs disabled? O noes! I didn’t know that. I guess I’m still not entirely used to the technical vagaries of these forums. I’ll see if I can figure out how to un-disable them. I wants moar PMz!
I’ve been so overwhelmed lately with the external to-do lists of trying to get my house ready to go on the market that I haven’t been able to spend much time on the forums. Luckily, I haven’t been quite as depressed, but it’s still been hard going.
Moreover, the psych who I started seeing (not for therapy, just for my meds) announced last week that I can’t actually be depressed because I seemed to enjoy myself on my week-long vacation, so perhaps I should reconsider my expectations around how I define happiness instead. O_o
I pointed to my tear-stained, blotchy face and said, “Is THIS normal? Should I expect THIS?” Depression that comes and goes in waves does not exist, apparently, in her universe. I’m trying not to listen to the tiny part of me that is awed by the University of Lorem Ipsum diplomas on the wall, that part of me that thinks The Doctor Is Always Right – and to listen instead to the instinct that knows that surely, there is more to life than this.
So perhaps I pull up stakes and move on along down the road to another doc. I’m used to hearing doctors say things that make me uncomfortable, but that was way beyond the pale.
However, my other doc, the therapy doc, is absolutely wonderful, even if CBT is a little hard to get used to. I’m a student of Jungian therapy and I adore it. And it’s 180 degrees from CBT, in my experience.
Starbuccaneer, TNM, and anyone else who’s interested - I’d be more than happy to voice-skype with you anytime if you just need a kindred GWC spirit to listen – one who’s been down this road, or one much like it. I can’t tell you how much you all have helped me, just in this thread of comments alone. THANK YOU.
Fi.
Listen to the part of you that says you need a different psychiatrist! Depression that comes and goes in overwhelming waves that you can’t control is… depression. It’s not just feeling dissatisfied with your postmodern existence or unfulfilled by some elements of your life. Trust yourself. Find a new psychiatrist. Or, once you get your meds regimen right, just use your GP for refills and maintenance. They are allowed to prescribe meds, but don’t usually know enough to help you with the early phase of trial and error with brands, dosing up, etc.
Glad your therapist is helpful. CBT is hard to get used to, I know, but it can have a real impact. Progress can be slow, but you’ll get there. You should also be getting a decent amount of straight talk-therapy mixed with CBT assignments–having the space to vent and let yourself be messy is critical when you’re putting a lot of energy into holding yourself together in daily life.
Hooray for therapy!
Hoorayyyy!!!
If you don’t like your doctor, get a new one now, otherwise you’ll just start spinning your wheels and letting your depression get out of control. A good therapist should challange you, but not enrage you, I used to have one that would say I was stupid for wearing skirts, for example, and I stayed with that one FAR too long.
Me and CBT did not get on, to me it felt a bit “strap on a happy face” which was no good for me, so I strapped on boobs instead LOL
One thing that is always true, when it comes to eating, living, even sports and exercise and even mentally…listen to your body, your body KNOWS what’s good or bad for it and does tell you this (I can vouch for many an hockey ouch after a game from me not listening and making the stupid save anyway 
)…but no one knows better what’s good for you then YOU DO…listen to it, be confident in it, that’s a step to recovery too 
Well, I’ve hit a real down period right now, which kind of sucks since today’s my birthday. I think part of it is realizing that the only significant changes in my life in the past year is my grandfather dying and my new car.
Honestly, I’ve probably been depressed for a long time, but this down period is longer than in my usual cycles. Usually it’s just a day or two, then back up to normal (which probably still isn’t all that great to be honest).
Happy birthday Starsaber
My condolences on your grand father’s passing. Never knew mine … but their blood is in me … and I suppose that’s enough.
Peace
P.S. get a cleaner version of Margo’s song … when and if you can.
My grandmother died back in March, so I can feel ya there…she went from in the hospital on one Friday, doing ok on Tuesday to gone the next weekend…it was quite a shock to us all, but like all adversity in life, it did have it’s good things… my mom’s now actually developing a relationship with her sister and a few old friends of my grandparents who we only saw again because of the funeral, and I’ve seen the slow transformation of my mom into “the next grandma” with my 3 nieces (I even gave her a box of chocolate as part of her birthday gift because it was always “the gift to get gramma” and it was fitting)…I drink my morning coffee every day from a “gramma mug”, I use her old carafe as my water mug like she used to, and I kept her plates, so in a way she’s still here…in some ways I feel a bit closer to her now then I did before…and it’s been 30 years since she saw her husband so I think she was allowed to go to him
This is my first day off meds, and it sucks. My brain is bouncing, I’m over-emotiona, my tummy hurts and I’m angry at weird things.
Tomorrow will be better tho