Most ships are clunky, that is the truth of it. Built by the lowest bidder they mostly resemble flying garbage cans that had wings and thrusters grafted on as an afterthought. Normandy 2 was not such a vehicle. It was attractive, elegant and powerful like a hanging branch from a Weeping Willow. Aboard the Normandy 2 there was a jovial atmosphere in the air. Another successful mission had just been completed by Team Solai 2.0 and everyone was toasting each other with champagne and shots of tequila.
In the midst of the team’s revelry the incoming message light pinged on. “Look sharp” Shepard barked at the group. He stared at Sheldon who was working himself into to slather debating the structure of alpha trans-warp frequency modulation parameters as generated by a brown dwarf with Mordin. Mordin looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable as he edged towards the door.
The room grew dark as the COM came online. Team Solai 2.0 stepped onto the transmission pad and all at once the image of the Illusive man surrounded them.
“Well done” he said in a tone that was half muttered half spoken. His ever-present cigarette wisped smoke delicately in his left hand, in his right hand a glass of clinking scotch. Somewhere a dog barked.
“Thank you sir.” Shepard responded.
“If you are ready I have another mission for you.”
Shepard pondered for a moment. He could reply, “Screw you!” but that didn’t feel right. He might say, “Tell me about your Mother” but that also did sit well. He could investigate the matter further, but decided it was time for more action. He decided on saying, “Go on.”
“It seems that although Cerberus view humans as perfection and strive to elevate our species some of us can make mistakes. We have a search-and-rescue operation for you back on Earth. It would seem some Presidents are, shall we say, more competent than others. You need to rescue the President of the United States and retrieve a scientist who is carrying an experimental bioweapon. Cerberus wants the President alive and returned. The bioweapon is of interest to us but trust to your discretion. Both are somewhere in the New York City maximum security prison fortress location unknown. A gang has captured him and are making demands.”
“How do we know if this gang really has the President, do we have proof?” Shepard inquired.
“Let’s just say he will never play the piano again” the Illusive man said with a smirk and a deep draw of his scotch.
“Thank you sir.” Shepard said, slightly nodding to himself. Something didn’t feel right about this mission, but the feeling could simply be a passing flu.
As the Normandy drew close to Earth Shepard considered his options on the bridge. “EDI!” he said, “scan the surface, locate the President and the Scientist.”
“Scanning” the blue holograph replied. “Found. The President is being held in a pub called Muldoons on what was once 43rd and 3rd. The Scientist is being held at 840 Broadway.”
“Thanks EDI. Sheldon! Martian! R2! Report!” the three squad members came bounding up. “You all know what our mission is. We have a choice between surgical precision or massive strike. My decision is to go with both: a massive surgical strike. Sheldon!”
“Yes sir!” Sheldon approximated what he thought a salute should look like.
“You are to design a maximum yield burst pattern for the Martian UFO fleet. I want the island completely leveled except for those two locations.”
“C-c-c-c-completely leveled?” Sheldon said in slight disbelief.
“Completely leveled.” Shepard replied. “I’m not used to repeating my commands. Make me do it again and you will join Grig and Marvin. I want you to level the playing field, literally.”
“Yes sir.” Sheldon said meekly.
“Once you are done I want you to feed the plan into EDI. R2, you are to go to the Martian fleet to assist in linking EDI to them and troubleshoot if necessary. Martian, your job is ensure cooperation from your compatriots.”
“ACK ACK!” the Martian replied.
One hour later the Normandy was in orbit around the Earth with five Martian UFOs. “On my mark” Shepard called out, “MARK.”
The next moment was eerily quiet. After a gentle ‘fwump’ and a blink of an eye the entirety of Manhattan save two buildings were ash.
“Okay,” Shepard said with a grin, “Now the playing field is leveled. Let’s go.”
Sheldon and Shepard boarded Normandy’s shuttle and met R2 and the Martian on the surface. The island was like something out of a dream, completely flat save for the natural elevation of the land and two buildings standing alone about two miles away from each other as what was formerly the island swirled in the breeze. As the shuttle landed outside the first building noted a willowy man sitting in the doorway briefcase to one side and a stack of comic books to his other.
Pulling out his assault rifle in one fluid motion Shepard stepped out of the shuttle. Glancing left to right and scanning the face of the building he called out to the surprised man, “Where are the others? Are your guards inside?”
The man adjusted his glasses, “No.” he replied, “They were outside having a smoke when the City was hit. Guess smoking really can kill you.” The scientist stood up, brushed himself off and headed over to the shuttle carrying his briefcase and comic books.
“ACTION COMICS NUMBER 1?!?!?” Sheldon squealed practically turning purple. “Can I have this?”
“Uh, sure.” The scientist replied. “I just needed something to read, this was all I could find in there.”
As it slowly dawned on Sheldon where the scientist had been held a look of shock came over his face. He attempted to throw himself out of the shuttle but was thrown back as the door came crashing down. “NO! NO! NO!” he cried banging on the glass as the shuttle lifted off the ground. “ACK ACK” the Martian said to Sheldon comfortingly touching his arm.
As the shuttle landed at the second location Shepard noted they wouldn’t be so lucky this time. The warlord stood just inside the doorway holding a gun to the President’s head who stood defiant.
“Release the scientist or I kill the President!” the Warlord cried out.
Shepard considered his next move. He could ask the Warlord about his background, perhaps make an observation about the newly transformed island or make a joke about his fancy hat…but talk was cheap and this solution had gone on long enough. Shepard pulled out his M-490 Blackstorm Heavy Weapon and with a click of the trigger and a sudden whoosh created a black hole over the warlord’s head.
“I have a better idea” Shepard yelled out, “release the President and I won’t create another black hole in the region where your crotch used to be.”
“Eeeep” the Warlord said masculinely. As the Warlord released him The President spun around and punched the Warlord in the face saying, “That’s for my finger, bee-yotch!”
Twenty minutes later they were all back in the briefing room, the champagne not yet cold from their prior celebration. The President’s left hand was bandaged and the Scientist had been provided with a fresh pair of pants.
The Illusive man clicked online, “I have barely finished the cigarette I started from our last briefing.”
Shepard crossed his arms, “I work hard and I play hard” and after a quick glance at Miranda said a bit more quietly, “I need about ten minutes before our next mission if you please. I have some team exploration I need to attend to.”
“No problem.” The Illusive man said with a grin. “Mr. President, a word. I see Shepard chose to preserve the bio-weapon, what are your thoughts regarding how to handle it?”
“The secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken? It should destroyed.” The President said coolly.
“Why is that?” the Illusive man replied.
“Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!” the President said wringing his hands.
“Ok,” the Illusive man said, “If that will be all, thank you all. See you in ten minutes.”