FSL 3.0 challenge 3: Take Them Out At The Ballgame

What the hell was that ya’ll? I’ve got reports here of bar tabs, bail bonds and drunken dancing!!! Damn it people what was going through your heads when I said “roleplay” each other?! That does not mean commit felonies in each others names. Bender.

[Pops two Advil and pinches the bridge of his nose as if in pain] All right, perhaps strip clubs were a little more than you guys were ready for that time around – and no more roleplaying. So let’s just move on shall we?

Ok, this week we’ve got a great opportunity for you guys to really get out there and bond! I know you can do this with the progress you’ve all made and the peace in your hearts that move you all to a greater understanding of the zen of your own souls.

This is the Intergalactic Baseball Championship Finals and it has been invaded!

…by a serious case of plague. Terrible really, just terrible. Apparently the sewer system while assured by the Dagobah Parks and Rec. association society that the plague could not have come from the neighboring swamp rats has managed to infect Earth’s current team of contenders. Make no mistake there is foul play of the worst kind afoot, we are sure. Mostly because the “epidemic” only affected our team in game 7 of the series.

Your opponents are hoping to claim the galactic title for themselves and thusly bring credibility to their regime of corrupt douchery. They are a well oiled machine of a team led on the field by this ruthless mence in black. Their players are a bit more nebulous to nail down since they all look very similar in their uniform. Reports indicate the small moon in orbit above the stadium contains more than the maximum number of subs and extra players as well. In fact their supply of players seems almost endless should the reports be true.

Shocking as this is this ladies and gents… this… is… your… time. Lie, cheat, steal, murder, destroy, I don’t care what you do. Win game 7 of the Intergalactic Baseball Championship – and of course put on a good show for those in attendance.

As always, have fun kids. Go Earthicans!

Deadline: June 24th, 4pm Central, 5pm EST

“Um, I have a question” Kyle raised his hand, “how are we supposed to play baseball with only four people? Don’t you need at least nine to field a team?”

“DO NOT QUESTION ME! THE POINT IS NOT THE DETAILS! THE POINT IS THE SOLUTION!” Sean roared over the intercom.

“Oh, ok” Kyle sat slightly ashamed. “I keep forgetting that point.”

“Stupid Jew” Cartman whispered under his breath

“What?” Kyle spun around angrily

Cartman thought fast, “I said I told you!”

– TO BE CONTINUED –

lol, yep. You’re out numbered against impossible odds. This wouldn’t be Fantasy / Sci-Fi League if the odds were even up :wink:

in : “You said fastballs!”

Things looked bleak for Team Hi-larious. At the top of the 9th the Empire had a massive lead of 312-0 which was not really surprising as four people were playing nine positions against a team with an infinite number of players and a pitcher who was clearly using the Force to his advantage…it wasn’t a pretty picture.

Austin wiped sweat from his brow, “Crikey, this just isn’t cricket!” “You think? Is that the problem? Have you been playing cricket this whole time?” Dr. Evil crossed his arms and leaned back. “Frickin’ moron.” “Yeah, did you see the Death Star vaporize my hit out of the sky?” Kyle chimed in. “This is hopeless!”

“Not hopeless,” Cartman mused, “we can’t win by playing by the rules…so it is time to change the game.”


“PLAY BALL!” The umpire called out. Austin strode out onto the field and took in the scene. Sixty-thousand stormtroopers filled the stands forming a wide and intimidating wall of humanity who didn’t like him much. On the mound stood Darth Vader like a fart in a car, silent but deadly. Austin stood behind the plate and raised his bat over his head. Darth Vader didn’t even bother to go through the motion of pretending to throw the ball anymore, he simply levitated it up out of his hand and then rocketed it towards the plate at 200 miles an hour shot vearing and bending impossibly then landing perfectly in the strike zone and knocking the catcher backwards 10 feet.

Dr. Evil gasped. “STRIKE ONE!” yelled the ump. “Now?” Asked Kyle. “Now” responded Cartman.

Cartman strode onto the field wearing black head to toe and walked directly to the pitcher’s mound. “Daaaaaaaaad! I have to go to the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathrooooooooooooooom!”

Darth looked down puzzled. “Um, who are you?”

“Daaaaaaad! What do you meaaaaaaaaaaaaaan? I’m your son Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!”

Darth scratched his head, “Wow son, you have really let yourself go” which was Cartman’s cue to start crying uncontrollably. “You said we could go to Toshi station to get some power converters! You promised!”

“Oh, ok, ok. I’m sorry son. I’ve had a lot going on at work. Let’s go” and with that they left the stadium to a surprised audience. Eight stormtroopers stood in the field looking at each other cluelessly, without their commander they were completely lost.

“Now what?” Kyle asked suddenly slightly hopeful. “Now we play by our frickin’ rules” Dr. Evil responded donning a Stormtrooper helmet. “Say hello to the Empire’s new pitcher.” Dr. Evil took the mount to thunderous applause by his fellow stormtroopers. Not only had decades of cloning left Stormtroopers fairly dim, they were also conditioned to accept the command of people who took charge.

Austin nodded at Dr. Evil who returned his nod. He wound up and lobbed an underhand pitch high into the air towards the plate. “Yeah baby!” Austin cried out and swinging the bat making fat contact with the ball he yelled, “YEAH!” as the ball sailed out of the park.

The first 100 runs quickly ticked off as Kyle and Austin took turns knocking baseballs over the wall. The second 100 runs went even faster as Dr. Evil commanded all the Stormtroopers to turn around and keep an eye on the Death Star so no one tried to steal it. The third 100 runs literally sailed by.

“I actually kind of wish fatboy was here to see this!” Kyle said a little embarrassed as he grabbed a new bat. “Oh you didn’t see him in the stands with Darth Vader?” Austin replied pointing behind home plate. “Oh no! If Darth is in the stands he is going to start manipulating our balls again!”

“No one manipulates my balls” Austin pursed his lips, “unless well, you know.” Kyle looked confused. “Right. Anywho, it looks like your friend is keeping him distracted.”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! I want a pretzel! Can I haaaaaaaaaaave a pretzel?” Cartman whined. Darth sighed “Luke, perhaps you should cut out the carbs for a while” “I’m going to tell Mom on you! Oh wait, I can’t…GUESS WHY?” As Kyle knocked the 313th run out of the park Darth responded totally defeated “Fine, have your pretzel. But those calories are going to be with you, always.”

FIN.

Gondor–I mean, Team Freaky Fabulous–Calls For Aid
“I can–”

No, Megan.” Frau Totenkinder’s knitting needles clacked as she rocked in the dugout. “Your hallucinogenic mutant dust is useless here. Surely, you can see that every one of them is wearing an air filter.”

“It’s hard to avoid hearing their leader’s,” Baba Yaga offered unhelpfully. Illyana simply scowled out at them, not even bothering with the provided “Team Freaky Fabulous” monogrammed baseball cap–it wouldn’t fit over her horns and somewhat clashed with her half-demonic look, besides.

“I’m not letting anyone teleport them to a hell dimension to be eaten,” Megan said, crossing her arms. “And I don’t think I can handle really old naked lady again.”

“Have some respect for your elders,” Frau Totenkinder said mildly. “No, you are correct in this case. What we need is a new team. Illyana, I believe that you also have an endless supply of minions to throw at these upstarts.”

Illyana smiled coldly. “It could be that I do.” Without another word, she summoned a teleportation disc for herself and vanished through it.

“Megan, I believe that while informing the other team of out new lineup, you should perhaps use that bubbly personality of yours to befriend one or two of the other players. Those two, in particular. Be sure to ask about their very imposing coach.”

Megan gulped. “You mean, spy? But I’m not a spy! Why not ask Baba Yaga, she’s the one who’s all sneaky and–”

“Hush. I’m merely acting on a suspicion, and long experience. And both of these tell me that you’re the girl for the job.”

“Okay,” Megan said doubtfully, fluttering off.

“Hmph” Baba Yaga sniffed after Megan, single eye glaring. “She’s right. I am a spy. If you pride yourself so much on using others as your game pieces while you sit around looking mysterious, what do you have in mind for me?”

“Only a suspicion.”

Illyana returned first, accompanied by the first wave of her Limbo demons. They were monstrous things, fanged, clawed, tentacled, horned… And somehow, all wore the team uniform, altered to fit their particular bizarre anatomy.

“How did you–?” Megan asked, wide-eyed, as she returned to the benches.

“Do you honestly wish to know?” Illyana snapped.

“Um… No. Right, so those two guys from the other team? their names are Tag and Bink, and they’re actually nice and funny, and they don’t even like baseball, really, they were just ordered here on account of–”

“Their leader, girl,” interrupted Baba Yaga.

“Yeah, him. So he’s really mean now, but he didn’t always used to be that way. It seems there was this girl he used to like…”


“PLAY BALL!”

Illyana’s demons, having won the coin toss by virtue of Illyana brandishing an implausibly large axe at the umpire, were on the field. The demons didn’t have more than a hint of how to play the game. However, they had the benefit of a former evil spy in charge of Imperial goblin hoards as acting coach and Illyana as catcher.

The game started normally enough, though the demon pitcher threw the ball deliberately at player heads several times–a tactic that didn’t work so well when the player was encased in armor but still knocked them over. It all changed in the seventh inning, when the demon third baseman, enraged over someone trying to steal for home, ripped the unfortunate man in half and pelted the players at second and first with the chunks. After that, the demons decided to use the helmeted head of the base-stealer as the new ball, as an object lesson, while the first and second basedemons had snacks.

“THESE SHENNANIGANS WILL CEASE,” boomed the very imposing black-clad coach, striding out onto the field like he expected to have an ominous theme song following every move. “THIS IS NOT HOW THE GAME WILL BE PLAYED.”

“You’re right! They’re ruining baseball and mphglph–!” In Team Freaky Fabulous’s dugout, Megan’s voice was silenced as a hand was clapped over her mouth.

And out of the dugout stepped a woman in an elaborate dress, her elaborate hairdo costing half of her face. Somewhere, angels sang. The very imposing black-clad coach stopped in his tracks. “BUT… YOU’RE DEAD!”

The woman shook her head, smiling. The coach made an appalling sound that was apparently a sob and fell to the ground, crying like a baby with a scuba tank. His team, already demoralized by seeing the demons using body parts as sports gear, were downright unsettled by this turn of events.

“Guys? You know what?” said one, who had been about to bat and was glad to speak up. “Maybe we should just call it a day. I think we should let the boss have a moment. Let’s get out of here before he starts on about how he hates sand.” And they very quickly left, dragging their still-freaking-out coach with them.

“Great,” said Baba Yaga. “Now, drop the glamour. This ridiculous hair is killing my neck.”

Frau Totenkinder muttered something rhyming, and the elaborate hair and clothing melted back into those of Baba Yaga’s stolen youthful form. “Illyana, I believe you should escort your demons home before they get out of hand. That one is making eyes at the umpire, and we do need him on our side.”

As Illyana complied, Megan frowned at Frau Totenkinder. “Do how did you know he had a dead girlfriend or whatever? You’re not psychic, are you?”

Frau Totenkinder smiled grimly. “Not psychic, merely experienced. Nobody overcompensates that much without someone they wished to impressed, be it parents or a former lover. And Baba Yaga has worn the form of one man’s lost love to his doom; why not play an old and familiar part again?”

“Yes, let’s do bring up the past,” said Baba Yaga stretching her neck. “While we’re at it, you still owe me an eye.”

PREVIOUSLY ON FSL 3.0

The mood on the Xanatos space-jet was somber. Only a few hours had passed since they’d left the Citadel. Sherlock was still in a state of shock. He could not believe that his arch-nemesis Moriarty had sacrificed himself so that the rest of the team could escape. Twenty-four hours earlier, Moriarty had been ready to kill all of them, and now he had given his life to save them. Sherlock had not thought that Moriarty was capable of redemption. Perhaps he had grossly misjudged the man.

“Sir, we’re intercepting another transmission,” Xanatos’s aide-de-camp Owen Burnett announced, interrupting Sherlock’s reverie. “It’s from a nearby planet called Dagobah.”

“Is it another distress call?” Goliath asked.

“No, it seems to be… sports-related,” Owen said, perplexed. “If I’m hearing this correctly, it’s about baseball.” Owen keyed the console to activate the cockpit’s speakers, so the rest of the crew could listen in.

“…and we’ve got some distressing news from the coach of the Terran Titans. Apparently, the entire roster has fallen ill. They’ve been infected with mynock flu, a nasty strain of avian influenza,” the commentator said.

“Yeah, that stuff can even survive in a vacuum,” the co-host chimed in. “With the series tied 3-3, this could spell disaster for the Earthling team if they’re forced to concede. The Coruscant Conquerors, sponsored by the Galactic Empire, would win by default.”[i]

“That would be a low blow for the Intergalactic Baseball League. The Coruscant Conquerors are the most reviled sports team in all the galaxy."

“Except, of course, for the New England Patriots, Norm.”

“Well, that just goes without saying, doesn’t it, Harry?”

“So without any players on the field, the Titans will have to forfeit unless some Earthlings come forward.”

"And since this tournament is a secret to Earthlings…”

“Get this: they still think they’re alone in the universe! Can you imagine?”

“… there are no Earthlings attending the games here on Dagobah. Since Earth is over ten light years away, it seems unlikely that the Titans will be able to call any players up from the the minors in time to make tonight’s game.”

“Unless there are any Earthlings listening, Norm, the Terran Titans are stuck in a five-scoop hot fudge sundae without a spoon, if you’ll pardon my French!”[/i]

Owen switched off the speakers. Xanatos sat back in his chair, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Hmmm… A baseball game, eh? I haven’t played since I was a boy, growing up in Maine. I used to be quite the shortstop. Do you know the game, Goliath?”

The gargoyle nodded. “Yes, Brooklyn, Lexington, and Broadway took me to see one of the games. I wasn’t really paying attention, I was busy watching the stands for criminals. I believe the team was called the Yankees, is it?” He looked at Sherlock.

“Don’t ask me, I’m British, and I’ve never had much use for sport,” Sherlock said. “Isn’t baseball the American version of cricket?”

“I see we have a lot of work to do if we’re going to win this game for our home planet,” Xanatos said.

“You can’t be serious,” Goliath said. “There are only three of us, four if you count Owen. I believe a team is required to have nine players on the field.”

“So you were paying attention!” Xanatos said. “This might not be so hard after all. I’ve got six of my Steel Clan robots on board, and the ship’s onboard computer has all the information we’ll need. With your throwing arm, Goliath, I’d wager you’d make an excellent pitcher. Sherlock, with your ability to read people, you’d make a great catcher. You and Goliath can work out a signal system to exploit each batter’s weaknesses. I’ll play shortstop.”

“And what if we arrive on Dagobah and our pitcher turns to stone?” Sherlock asked.

“Baseball championship games are always played at night, under the lights,” Xanatos said. “Owen, set a course for Dagobah at maximum speed. Try to get in contact with the coach of the Titans and let him know he’s got a new team to work with.”


The Dark Lord of the Sith was seething. All of his plotting, all of his scheming, all of his countless hours training Stormtroopers in the intricate art of baseball - and Force-throttling the slow learners - all of it was for nothing! The contamination of the Earthling team’s Gatorade with mynock flu had incapacitated all the players, but now reinforcements were arriving from Earth. How had they been able to summon help so quickly? Darth Vader had no idea.

The Emperor had selected Vader to coach the Coruscant Conquerors, confident in his apprentice’s ability to overcome the Terran opposition. Though Earth had invented the game of baseball, the Empire had perfected winning it. Of course, up until now, the Empire had been the only team that showed up, making the Conquerors the only team to ever win the championship. Most planets were too terrified of the Empire to field any opposition, and those planets that did soon learned the error of their ways and their teams suffered “accidents” en route to the competition. This was the first year another team actually made it to the tournament intact, and the Earthlings had actually held their own against the Empire, despite all the dirty tricks Vader pulled.

The first obstacle Vader had thrown at the opposition was holding the series on Dagobah in the first place. An obscure, barely habitable planet, Dagobah’s most evolved life-forms were its mosquitoes, which were as large as Terran pelicans. While the Conquerors stayed off-world, the Earthling players had to stay in the swamp in mud huts.

After the Empire won the first three games, the Terrans battled back and won the next three. They had clearly acclimated to the harsh environment on Dagobah and their coach was able to anticipate Vader’s strategy and counter his attempts to sway the games with the Force. Infecting the Earthlings with mynock flu - which the Empire’s P.R. machine had blamed on swamp rats - had been an act of desperation. Without taking out the Earth team, Vader was certain that the Empire would have lost the final game. He had nearly exhausted his reserve of trained Stormtroopers due to reprisals for the last three loses, and he could not train replacements fast enough. Everyone knew that Stormtroopers had terrible reflexes and even worse aim, so training them to play a decent game of baseball took more patience than Vader possessed. When he offered to promote any Stormtrooper who could hit the game-winning homer to Grand Moff, he had plenty of ‘troopers sign up. But when they found out that the penalty for striking out was being fed to the Great Sarlaac, his roster suddenly shrank. Vader didn’t have time to track down the deserters - he needed to focus on training the team he had.

The new Earthling team was scheduled to arrive in twenty minutes. Vader decided he should go down to the landing pad and meet them in person… and make sure a shuttle “accidentally” landed on them. Before he could leave his office, his comm system chimed.

Switching on a holo-viewer, a life-size projection of a mild-looking human in a well-tailored suit appeared. Even with the holographic effect, the man seemed to be… glowing.

“Darth Vader?” the human asked. “Jim Moriarty. Hi-i. I have a proposition for you.”


As the Xanatos space-jet approached Dagobah, the team stared out the viewport at the green-brown planet. A single white moon hung in orbit, pockmarked by one huge, round crater.

“That’s no moon,” Sherlock observed. “That’s a space station!”

Before they could get a closer look, the space-jet descended into the atmosphere. After being buffeted about by turbulence, they landed on a desolate-looking pad in the middle of a swamp.

When the egress hatch opened, humid, peaty air assailed their nostrils.

“According to the transmission we received, the coach of the Earth team is supposed to meet us here,” Xanatos said.

As they stood on the pad, a shuffling-scraping sound caught their attention. From behind a stack of shipping crates, a small, slow-moving creature emerged. It wore a brown robe, and had green skin, large ears, and tufts of white hair.

“Come to play baseball you have, hmmm?” The creature said, as more of a statement than a question. “You seek your coach. Found him, you have.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Team Angels & Attitudes

Heroine: Lt.Commander Lisa Hayes (Robotech)
Nemesis: Minmei (Robotech)
Heroine: Sara Walker (Chuck)
Nemesis: Heather Chandler (Chuck)

Sean’s So-Called “Therapy” Room

Sean: “…As always, have fun kids. Go Earthicans!”

Sara: “I can’t believe I’m still here in therapy. I should be home with Chuck watching Tron Legacy with Second Screen dressed up as Quorra.”

Heather: “I’d say you are more of a Gem type. In fact I’ll bet that nerdy husband of yours has Gem’s light-up costume just waiting for you at home.”

Sara: “At least I’ll be home and not in PRISON.”

Lisa: “I should be drinking wine with Claudia. NOT here with the stupid girl who is trying to steal Rick away from me!”

Minmei: “Huh? You like Rick?”

Lisa: “Don’t pull that innocent girl next door routine with me Minmei. You know very well that I like Rick and you selfishly take him away from me whenever you get the chance only to throw him away again.”

Minmei: giggle “It IS kind of fun!”

Lisa, usually the calm and composed woman, draws her Robotech Defense Force issued side arm, points it at Minmei and squeezes the trigger. Minmei starts to scream while Sara jumps up and hits Lisa’s arms so that the shot is diverted from Minmei and goes inches from the top of Sean’s bandaged head (courtesy of Remo-Shepard last week). Sara adeptly disarms Lisa.

Sean: “I’m so turned on right now.”

Heather: “Now THIS is way better than my prison cell!”

Sara points the unfamiliar weapon at Heather. “I can arrange for you to never go BACK there.”

Sean: “Ladies! Baseball, remember? Intergalactic Baseball Championship Finals versus the Regime of Corrupt Douchery.” Sean puts his hand out towards Sara. “Now give me the gun, Sara.”

Sara reluctantly relinquishes the weapon to Sean and after a short therapeutic meditation session while listening to Enya, the team starts to plan their response.

Sometime later at Dr. Pepper Ballpark, Frisco, Texas

The Regime of Corrupt Douchery’s team of 25 white armored suited storm troopers with the Black armored and caped manager lines a baseline for the singing of the anthems. One of the storm troopers is mildly fidgeting.

The Earthicans with their last minute roster changes fill the other baseline. These 25 total unknowns were recruited by Sara using the full resources of the CIA, the NSA, the DIA, the FBI, the Secret Service, The Department of Homeland Security, the Internal Revenue Service, the DoD, OSI, NCIS, the United States Postal Service, NRO and the Intersect for their athletic skills, peak physical conditioning, bravery and ability to quote scifi and fantasy and other geek related IPs with amazing adroitness. Also because the rules of the game called for no women in professional baseball, none of the Angels and Attitudes would qualify. The 25 amazing heroes that Sara was able to round up are:

Badgerspoon
beef
CptMonty
DefaultProphet
Devastron
dxf (aka Ferris)
frakkintalos
Janitor Bob
JollyAndy
Juan
Mr. Lister, sir
Nightwing
Phil
Pike
Solai
SolarPilot
StarSaber
Steve
Shooter
the hub
The Operator
ThotFullGuy
TopGun
Uchiha Daisuke
Xero1 The Board Lurker

Manager: Chuck Cage

It is a motley crew of vagabonds, fugitives, savants and deviants to be sure. And yes included among them are even CANADIANS (it is amazing they showed up on the correct day, isn’t it?). Most look like they have never wore a baseball uniform in their lives. Several look obviously hung over, an after effect of the previous night in the nearby Aloft hotel. One looks drenched in what appears to be Dr. Pepper (Janitor Bob) and the snickers of another teammate two persons to his left (Ferris) gives away the baseball prank culprit.

In the stands above the Earthicans dugout, Audra and Shannon with Squeaker sit next to Sara.

Audra: turning towards Sara “THIS is the best you could do?”

Sara: shrugs “These were the only men prepared for something called a ‘Zombiepocolypse’ and were unaffected by the plague that also fit the criteria to play a fictional game of Intergalactic Baseball against a bunch of delusional imperialistic corrupt douches.”

Shannon: “We’re doomed.”

A hooded figure is escorted unto the field by Dr. Pepper Ballpark security. The person is given a microphone, taps it to test it, drops her hood and starts singing….”We Will Win.”

Things started to happen rapidly at this point. A Twitterer in the press box best describes the events that unfolded.

DeathStarPR: The annoying anthem performer at the Intergalactic Baseball Finals froze our Imperialistic Forces w/ her stupid song #OneTrickPony #Minmei 7:30 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: A woman with a newborn son rose behind our Superior Imperial Team’s dugout, catching the attention of our fearless manager. #NataliePortman 7:31 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: An Earthican made Astrodroid serving Dr. Pepper in the upper deck launched two items looking suspiciously like a blaster and a light saber. 7:32 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: The woman behind the dugout handed off the newborn to the woman next to her and caught the light saber. #NataliePortman #HeatherChandler 7:33 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: One of our glorious white armored players has foiled the singing brat and caught the blaster! #PrepareForDefeatEarthicans 7:33 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: The unarmed Earthican Team is being protected by a woman above their dugout. #SaraWalker #NotSureLoathsomeTeamDeservesProtection 7:33 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: A giant transformable starship just unfolded next to the glorious Death Star marked as ‘SDF-3.’ Collision course set. #LooksVaguelyFamiliar 7:34 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: The angry woman in the stands is charging our manager. He is frozen with hand reaching outstretched. #NataliePortman #ISeeItComing 7:34 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: The blaster-armed storm trooper is shooting his own players! @uubergeek #TotalDisaster #StillHaveDeathStar 7:24 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: SDF-3 crashes into Death Star. Imperial Team Slaughtered by imposter. Manager sliced down were he stood. #MemoriesofReturnOfTheJedi 7:35 PM Jun 24

DeathStarPR: Death Star explodes…again. SDF-3 shielded from mega-blast. #LisaHayes // Empire forfeits due to lack of players. #BewareOfTheDarkSide 7:40 PM Jun 24

Earthican Locker Room – Shortly After Victory

The Earthicans were shouting and hollering and spraying Champaign on each other. Their Manager Chuck, with Audra under his arm, holds court long enough to give a short speech giving both the Championship trophy and four game balls with ball warmers to Sara Walker, Heather Chandler, Lisa Hayes, and Minmei.

Later that night: Field Behind O’Hara’s Ranch House

Earthican fans, teammates, Wookies and Ewoks celebrate their victory by setting off massive amounts of fireworks. Talat and Yoda enjoy the freedom of a skunk-free field and have fun going from group to group getting cheese despite of the noise of the fireworks.

Sara, Heather, Lisa and Minmei drink wine from the balcony of the O’Hara ranch and smile about their latest therapy achievement unlocked.

Lisa: “Heather, that was a stroke of genius thinking of Natalie Portman and getting her and her newborn son. The combination of Minmei’s singing and seeing Portman totally froze the black-suited manager. How did you find her?”

Heather: “I have my ways. I’m just lucky she studied sword fighting for some of her films a few years ago.”

Sara: “And it’s lucky we were able to find someone who had a similar outfit and a little robot that shot little packages across the stadium. Only one more therapy session and then we can go home.”

Minmei: “Yea, where is Sean anyway…”


Shannon: “…for the last time, Sean, NO you cannot take one of the Wookies home as a pet!”

Sean: “But…” sighs “…allllriiiiight.”

Natalie Portman, her son, Sean, and Shannon stand in front of a pyre with the remains of the black suited manager watching it burn. Squeaker holds the infant boy’s hands held in Natalie’s arms while smiling at him. Sean and Shannon face each other and at the same time say “Uh-oh.”

THE END

(No Solai’s were harmed during the completion of this therapy session, although he did get a little drunk during the victory celebration and woke up in a cemetery the following morning snuggled up next to a purring Ewok.)

Hagrid’s Hutt

A jovial half giant with a bushy beard that looked like birds could be nesting in it came to see the team in their locker room; he said he had a friend who could help them out, after agreeing to the meeting he introduced the to a Hutt. The Hutt convinced them that the only way to defeat a team who is not afraid to cheat and scheme was to have an ally who could do the same or worse in return. The fee was an agreement to give the Hutt a percentage of any endorsements they may do after the victory, they reluctantly agree and the Hutt slithered away happily chuckling to itself.

The game started poorly, the Imperials won the coin toss and got to bat first. Ryoko took the outfield since she could teleport and fly, Spike pitched and Ayeka was catcher; Vicious acted as the first baseman. The guardians Azaka and Kamidake stood in as second and third basemen, more for intimidation factor than anything else, their real strength would come in latter as batters.

Sith Acolytes were seated at skyboxes around the stadium and they enjoyed causing the ball to move in unpredictable ways. Fortunately the Hutt had foreseen this and made sure the food delivered to those skyboxes was poisoned, halfway through the inning the poison activated and they died off suddenly and violently; the ball finally began to behave itself much to the team’s relief. After the third out Team Anime went up to bat, they were behind by six but perhaps they could make that up.

The Guardians pinch hit for the team, they were after all giant cylinders of wood, the biggest frakking bats you ever would see. They could not miss, they hit homerun after homerun. The crowd cheered as they levitated around the diamond after each hit, making sure to touch down at each base as they made their circuit. After doing this 8 times Darth Vader called a time-out and stormed out onto the field, he yelled at the head umpire insisting that the Guardians were not regulation size or weight and could not be used as bats. As the umpire contemplated this Ayeka came out and stated that the Guardians were not bats they were players, and technically they were using their own bodies to hit the ball. This caused confusion, and all of the umpires had to convene on this.

It was finally decided that any hit done by the Guardians would not count, but instead would be considered a ‘walk’ since the ball was hitting a player’s body. Vader howled and jumped up and down in rage, claiming that with this ruling it would be impossible to strike out a Guardian since any contact would be an ‘automatic walk’. Ayeka stuck out her tongue at him and Vader reflexively began to force-choke her, the Guardians swept onto the field and electrocuted him. He collapsed onto the grass a smoldering and barely wheezing lump of black armor, he is evicted from the game for the assault and another coach has to take over as head coach.

This coach of course has already been bought off by the Hutt and he predicably throws the game.

Team Anime wins. Hoo-frakking-raaah!!

Damn. Baseball? Stormtroopers?

SO NOT MY WEEK THIS WEEK. So…a half-assed solution, coming right up!

It’s not TV. It’s HBO

Team (Home of the) Human Beings
Varys/Littlefinger (Game of Thrones)
Jemaine/Mel (Flight of the Conchords)

  • In a corner of the audience seats in the arena -

“This is so not our week this week” Littlefinger exclaims, while a pair of his whores play with each other’s intimate body parts and mimes orgasms in the background. “I’m not a sportsman. Neither is Varys. Jemaine…thinks this is cricket somehow, and Mel’s a woman. And, what is baseball anyway? It’s nothing like a tourney…” He rattles on and on, as the two woman continue to hone their skills as whores, because what good is exposition unless there’s two woman frakking in the background? (tm HBO)

Jemaine’s face is completely red, but he cannot seem to look away. His glasses fog up, but he’s too focused to take the time to wipe the steam up. Neither could Mel, who ooohs and ahhhhs intermittently, transfixed by it all.

Varys, no stranger to Littlefinger’s sexpositions, instead sits a few rows back while he plays with his iphone. But, he catches at the corner of his eyes a curious sight. All the stormtroopers, with Darth Vader at the center, all staring at Littlefinger’s little show. He texts Littlefinger, who reads it quickly, and nods. Varys slips away without anyone noticing, while Littlefinger continues his riveting sexposition with greater aplomb.

  • several hours later -

Yup, Littlefinger’s still at it, and so are his whores, and yup, everyone’s still watching.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms over the arena.

“Due to Team Vader being a no show and thus forfeited the game, I declare Team Earth to be the winner of Game 7, and thus the winners of the first intergalactic baseball championships!”

Sexposition saves the day! And Hodor’s dong didn’t even need to make an appearance.

The end.

PART ONE

Their new coach led Sherlock, Goliath, and Xanatos out onto the field under the bright lights of the stadium. The game was set to begin in a few hours, so the stadium’s ground crew was bustling about cutting glass, raking sand, and chalking the foul lines. The stadium was smaller than Sherlock expected, given the weighty nature of the championship. Clearly, the Empire did not expect many people to show up. The press box was a hive of activity as reporters and camera crews set up to broadcast the game. At least, it seemed, many people would be watching the game from the comfort of their own home planets. Dagobah was certainly not a comfortable place. Sherlock was already sweating under his coat in the humid air.

“Not the heat, but the humidity it is,” their coach had said. Sherlock watched the short creature leading them onto the baseball diamond. Yoda, the being called itself. Sherlock now felt he was prepared for anything. In the past few days, he had seen talking gargoyles, flesh-eating tribbles, gay trolls, magical sprites, and several space stations. Why not little green men?

“Think me ugly, do you?” Yoda said to him, as if he had read the detective’s thoughts. “Seen many players hit the ball with their faces, have you, hmmm?”

“No, I… er,” Sherlock stuttered, not sure how to respond.

“It matters not. Ninety percent mental, baseball is,” Yoda intoned, tapping his head. “Physical, the other half is, heh-heh.”

“That doesn’t… oh, never mind,” Sherlock said, giving up trying to understand the coach’s cryptic remarks.

Once they reached the pitcher’s mound, Yoda began to explain the rules of intergalactic baseball. Sherlock had difficulty understanding Yoda’s peculiar syntax, but from what he could make out, the game was not all that different from American baseball. All of the standard rules and practices applied, the primary differences were in size of the baseball field itself and the equipment the players used.

The most noticeable difference involved the field itself. The regulation gravity on the field was set to about 75% that of Earth’s, and the outfield was proportionally larger, given the increased distance a ball could be hit. The bases were the same distance apart as they were in traditional baseball, but they had springs under them so players could bounce off on their way around the diamond. The outfield was also made of a springy surface, allowing outfielders to jump twenty meters in the air to catch a long ball.

The equipment was somewhat different than that used by Earth’s baseball players. The bats were made of vibra-steel, which allowed the ball to be hit an incredible distance with minimal effort. The baseball itself was actually a flying remote. It contained tiny blaster emitters, and would occasionally spit out stinging bolts of energy after being hit on a pop fly. The ball’s anti-gravs also eliminated the possibility of hitting a grounder, as the ball would always stay at least three feet above the ground. The gloves the players wore to catch the ball automatically deactivated the remote’s systems and the ball became an inert sphere until it was struck by the bat again.

“That’s certainly not the way we played in Bar Harbor,’ Xanatos commented.

“No difference between theory and practice, is there in theory,” Yoda said. “Only in practice, the difference lies.”

“That… actually makes sense,” Sherlock commented. “I suppose we’d better start practicing, then.”


“What sort of proposition, Mr. Moriarty?” Darth Vader asked. He was attempting to use the Force to discern the human’s intentions, but he was unable to get a read on the man. It was like he was being blocked, somehow.

“It appears that we share a common foe, Mr. Vader,” Moriarty said. Vader bristled at not being addressed as “Lord,” but he wanted to hear what the man had to say, so he didn’t correct him. “The group of Earthlings who recently landed on your planet are acquaintances of mine. We have unfinished business.”

“I see,” Vader said. “I take you’re suggesting some sort of alliance?”

“Consider it a business partnership,” Moriarty said. “You have an interest in winning this baseball game tonight. I have an interest in seeing them lose.”

“Very well,” Vader said. He didn’t trust this human, but he also had no choice if he wanted to assure victory over the Earthling team. “I accept. What are your terms?”


[i]“And it’s a great night for a ballgame here on Dagobah, if you love smelling like you live in a sewer! This is Harry K’ray and I’m here with Norman Zuckiss, and welcome to Game Seven of the Intergalactic Baseball Championship!”

“Thanks, Harry! We’ve got a great show for you tonight! After a shaky start, the Terran Titans have tied the series with the undefeated Coruscant Conquerors. A bout of mynock flu has taken out the entire Earthling roster, but they’ve been able to miraculously call up some reserves, and they’re ready to play ball! Here they come now!”[/i]

Xanatos led the team onto the field as the announcers continued on with their banter. He’d been able to have uniforms made for the team on short notice, though it had been a struggle to find enough fabric for Goliath’s. He’d settled for painting numbers and gluing hats on the Steel Clan robots, instead making uniforms for them, too.

The umpire blew a whistle and pointed at the robots. “No droids! We don’t allow your kind on the field!”

Xanatos looked at Yoda, who nodded. “Afraid of this, I was. An inelegant rule from a less-civilized age, it is. Make do with you three, we must.”

[i]“Uh-oh, it looks like there’s some trouble with the Terran roster. Yes, it looks like they were attempting to bring some droids on the field for them.”

“As you know, the rules of Intergalactic Baseball permit only organically-based players on the field. The Titans will have to make due with three.”[/i]

“What about my armor?” Xanatos asked. “That would give us a major advantage.”

“Hmm…” Yoda considered. “Permitted, it would be. Not permitted, flight is, however.”

“Understood,” Xanatos said. “In that case, the armor would only slow me down.”

Meanwhile, the Coruscant Conquerors were marching onto the field. They were wearing armor, Xanatos noted, identical white armor with black trim and visored helmets. Their coach swept onto the field, a tall man in black armor with a billowing cape.

“We meet again, Master Yoda. Soon I will show you who is truly the master of this game,” the man in black said.

“Still humble, I see, hmmm, Darth?” Yoda chuckled. “We shall see. We shall see.”

After the anthems and the coin-toss, the Empire was at bat first. Goliath took his place on the pitcher’s mound, Sherlock settled into a crouch behind home plate, and Xanatos wondered how he was going to cover the entire outfield by himself.

Goliath wound up to the first pitch and let loose a fastball so hard that it knocked Sherlock backwards into the umpire. The batter never even swung.

“Strike one!” the umpire called.

“Nice job, Goliath,” Xanatos shouted. “Next time, try not to break Sherlock’s arm!”

Goliath was able strike out three batters without a single hit, so the Titans took their turn at bat. Xanatos went first and scored a single, but Sherlock struck out. Goliath stepped up to the plate, swung, and knocked the ball of the park - literally. The ball soared out of the stadium, spitting blaster bolts at a furious rate. A few mosquitoes were struck and crashed into the outfield and then had to be removed by the ground crew before play could resume. The Titans scored two runs. The process repeated twice more, until Sherlock struck out for a third time and the game moved into the second inning.

By the end of the fourth inning, the Titans held a 7-0 lead over the Conquerors. Goliath had not allowed a single hit so far, but Sherlock could barely lift his catching arm and was not sure how many more fastballs he could take.

“We’ve got this in the can,” Xanatos said, taking a swig of Gatorade in the dugout. “There’s no way they can catch up now.”

“Over, the game is not,” Yoda reminded them, “Until it is over.”

Across the field, Darth Vader was on the verge of pulling his lightsaber and decapitating his entire team.

“You are pathetic!” he berated them. “You are bringing shame upon the Empire and upon the sport of baseball! I should collect your helmets and fill them with swamp muck. You wouldn’t stink any worse than you already do!”

The Stormtroopers hung their heads, defeated. There was no way they would rally now. He needed a change of strategy.

“Luckily for you, I’m bringing in a relief pitcher,” Vader said.

When the Conquerors took the field at the bottom of the fifth inning, an unarmored player stepped on to the pitcher’s mound. Xanatos stepped to the plate and nearly dropped the bat when he saw who the Empire had sent to the mound.

Moriarty pulled back his arm and fired a glowing ball of energy at Xanatos. The batter was knocked off his feet and skidded several feet backwards, dazed. Moriarty’s mirthless laugh filled the stadium.

“Strike one!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Nerds to the Rescue

On the spaceship back from the Citadel, Team Kinda Evil looks over their notes for their next assignment, a simple baseball game.

FAITH: So, I know we’ve got super brains on your side, and super strength and speed on mine…but have any of you actually played baseball?

HELEN: It shouldn’t be too hard. I played some cricket at Oxford. It’s basically the same, right?

After much head shaking from FAITH, the team settled in for the long trip home going over the more complicated rules of the sport. It proved to be such a long trip home the game was delayed until July 21. Turns out space is pretty big. Who knew.

First Inning

The team, getting first pick of stadiums, meets at 1 pm in Seattle’s Safeco Field, graciously on loan from the Mariners (with the cover in place as to not incinerate one quarter of Team Kinda Evil).

ANGELUS: So the way I understand it, we need to take out Darth Serious over there and the rest of the team should be easy pickings.

DRUITT: I’ll just drop him somewhere. It’s worked before.

HELEN: That won’t be as easy. He survived a volcano and he doesn’t strike me as the easily distracted type. We need to put him someplace where he won’t want to come back…and I know just the place.

The team captains, Darth Vader and John Druitt, met on the field for the traditional handshake. As Vader reached out his hand, DRUITT grabbed the Sith Lord and teleported…

Vader, not accustomed to this method of travel (and vastly preferring his Death Star), paused for a minute to focus on his new surroundings. He found himself in a booth of some sort, surrounded by a smiling and oddly dressed throng.

“Comic Con 2011 welcomes everyon’es favorite Sith Lord to our show. Geeks and nerds everywhere, give it up for the one, the only DARTH VADER!”

Vader found himself surrounded by the fans and admirers he’d always wanted as a Sith Lord, and once the first slave Leia asked for his autograph (on a part of her body modesty prevents me from sharing), the Sith Lord forgot all about the championship game.

Second Inning

Meanwhile, back at the game, Team Kinda Evil was in the lede, 2-0. First baseman Angelus’ aggressive strategy of eating every player who got on his base proved to be most effective when the Stormtroopers began tagging themselves out. (And with Faith as pitcher and Druitt as outfielder, they didn’t stand much of a chance in scoring anyway.)

Phase Two of the plan was simple enough. After a phone call from Helen and some computer witchcraft (as is his want), Henry Foss hacked into the Stormtrooper iPhone network (they got a killer deal from Steve Jobs) and began bombarding their phones with photos from Comic Cons past.

“What’s a GWC?” “Why are these people so happy? “WHERE ARE THE SLAVE LEIAS COMING FROM?” was all Team Kinda Evil could hear coming from the Imperials dugout. Helen smiled to herself as she struck out (again).

As she was leaving home plate, she heard the Stormtrooper catcher curse to himself. “How do I find you, smiling happy woman?”

Helen flashed him a smile and offered him a trade; she could get them tickets to the sold out event (“It’s only Thursday; three whole days of geekery await you!”) if they forfeited the game. After a consultation with his teammates, the Stormtroopers agreed and left the field with promises of geeky good times to be had and geeky women to meet and romance (and they hadn’t even heard of Fem Troopers).

Team Kinda Evil emerges victorious and in an unprecedented result, humanity wins the Intergalactic Baseball Championship Finals. Let’s hear it for the nerds.

PART ONE

PART TWO

Moriarty stood on the pitcher’s mound, faintly glowing with white energy. He was dressed in one of his immaculate Westwood suits. Sherlock had no idea where he’d gotten the suit, or why he was glowing, or why he was, apparently, back from the dead.

“Hi-i,” Moriarty said in his high, lilting voice. “Is that Sherlock, there? Surprised to see me? I bet you are. I bet you can’t even wrap your little-pea brain around what’s happening.” Moriarty lifted a hand, and suddenly Sherlock flew into the air. The umpire blew his whistle, trying to stop the game, but Moriarty ignored him

Goliath bounded forwards, bellowing, “Put him down!” Moriarty flicked his other wrist and a blast of energy sent the gargoyle tumbling backwards.

“I don’t think so, Goliath. The game’s over. I win,” Moriarty growled.

Darth Vader watched from the sidelines with glee. He’d been hamstrung by the rules of the game, unable to interfere without disqualifying his team. But Moriarty was not officially part of the team, and under no such restrictions. Moriarty’s terms had been simple. He would take out the Earthling team, no questions asked. All he wanted was an audience.

As Sherlock hung in the air, the roar of anti-grav engines filled the stadium. From out of the fog, a white tri-winged shuttle descended into view. As its bottom wings folded upwards, it landed in center field. As the shuttle’s hatch opened and its ramp extended, the strains of the Imperial March filled the stadium.

The Emperor had arrived.

Flanked by his red-robed Imperial Guards, Emperor Palpatine slowly made his way to the pitcher’s mound. Darth Vader strode onto the field to meet him.

“You have done well, Lord Vader,” the Emperor said as Vader knelt before him. “Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.”

“All too easy,” Vader agreed.

“Emperor Palpatine, with you your permission, I’d like to finish this,” Moriarty said.

“Very well, Mr. Moriarty,” the Emperor nodded. “You may proceed.”

“Thank you, mi’lord,” Moriarty drew Sherlock close to him and whispered in his ear. “Sorry for the theatrics, chum. Had to get all the pieces on the board before I made my move.” He flicked his hand and sent Sherlock spiraling away to crash-land near the dugout.

In an instant, Moriarty spun and fired a two-handed burst of energy directly at the Emperor’s face. The Emperor’s already disfigured face melted and scorched. The energy tore through his body, vaporizing him as it went. His robe collapsed to the ground, a smoking husk.

For a split-second, no one on the field moved. Moriarty stood, staring at Darth Vader, his fists glowing with raw energy.

Then all hell broke loose. Vader drew his lightsaber and swung it at Moriarty, who countered with a push attack and sent the Dark Lord careening away. The Stormtroopers rushed from the dugout, firing the blasters they kept stowed under their benches. Goliath pulled Xanatos and Sherlock to their feet and prepared to join the fray. The Steel Clan robots swooped down from above, firing lasers at the Stormtroopers.

Calmly, Yoda set his cane aside, straightened and stretched, and pulled aside a fold of his cloak. With the Force, he summoned his lightsaber to his hand and switched it on.

On the field, utter chaos reigned. Goliath had knocked out several Stormtroopers and tossed their guns to Sherlock and Xanatos. The two humans took up a defensive position in their dugout as more Stormtroopers streamed in from the stadium’s entrances. Xanatos started activating the spare baseballs that they had on hand and tossing them into the crowd of ‘troopers, where the remotes’ tiny blasters shot annoying bolts of energy into the ‘troopers eyes. The distraction prevented the ‘troopers from firing back as Sherlock and Xanatos picked them off left and right.

Goliath had grabbed one Stormtrooper by the leg and was swinging him like a bat, taking out a dozens ‘troopers in a single swing. The Steel Clan robots were circling above, raking the ‘troopers with laser fire, while Yoda darted in out of the melee, slicing apart any Stormtroopers that they missed.

On the pitcher’s mound, Moriarty and Vader were locked in combat. Moriarty was using the full range of his biotic powers, while the Sith Lord called on the Dark Side of the Force. Force lightning and biotic energy swirled and clashed, but neither combatant could gain the upper ground. Vader deflected Moriarty’s warp blasts with his lightsaber, while Moriarty used a singularity to hold Vader in place. The miniature black hole tugged at the Sith Lord’s cape until he was forced to use his lightsaber to cut it free.

At the same time, Moriarty and Vader used their powers to push against each other, and the resulting explosion sent them hurtling apart. Vader used the opening to sprint towards the shuttle, hoping to make his escape.

Moriarty had struck the foul pole and was slightly dazed. He shouted at Goliath, “Stop him!”

Goliath spun in a circle and tossed the Stormtrooper bodily at Vader. The white-armored ‘trooper arced through the air, curling into the fetal position out of pure terror. Like a giant baseball, the ‘trooper crashed into Vader. With the springy surface of the outfield, Vader bounced quickly to his feet and bounded up the ramp of the shuttle. In seconds, the shuttle was airborne, as a pairs of TIE fighters swept in to cover it. The Steel Clan robots attempted to pursue, but the TIE fighters blasted them out of the sky.

Moriarty got to his feet, using a singularity to suck up the few remaining Stormtroopers so Xanatos and Sherlock could shoot them.

“Well, what a game this has been!” the announcer Norm exclaimed. “The Coruscant Conquerors have been defeated by the Terran Titans! The coach of the Conquerors has fled, and the rest of them has been, er, incapacitated. I’d say this is one for the record books.”

“Not to mention the fact that they killed the…” Harry shouted before the Empire’s censors cut the feed. Viewers around the galaxy from Hoth to Tatooine stared in stunned confusion as the words TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES - PLEASE STAND BY filled their screens.


Once onboard the Death Star, Vader wasted no time in ordering the planet Dagobah’s destruction. “Blow that planet apart! Order the fleet not to let any ship escape!”

“Sir, we’re picking something up on sensors,” a lieutenant announced. “Several hundred ships coming out of hyperspace at once!”

As Darth Vader stared at the viewscreen in disbelief, a massive fleet comprised of the combined might of Cerberus and the Rebel Alliance bore down on the space station, led by the Normandy itself. As Vader watched, thousands of fighters poured into space and weapons ports began to glow with menacing energy.

“Sir, we’re receiving a transmission from the lead ship. They’re…” the lieutenant swallowed hard, knowing full well that giving Vader bad news could spell his demise. “They’re demanding that we surrender the station to them.”

“The hell we will,” Vader growled. “Target the planet and prepare to fire!”

TO BE CONCLUDED

transformative tale of 6 innings and two hotdogs.

Team going out like a smart ass

Dean winchester
Crowley
Anya Jenkins
Bunnies

“Really the agent asked?” to Anya

“yes” she repeated. Her bored eyes looking around the room.

“No plan at all” he said more to himself than her.

“Nope,” she finished as they stared at each other.

‘“This going to be a lot of paperwork.” He mumbled

Cue music ”Gimme Shelter by the rolling stones

Anya, Crowley and dean walking out of the dugout. Crowley picking up a bat from the fence as he passed it spinning it in the air menacingly. Handing it to Dean. the claws from the hell hound ripping up at the dirt and grass from behind them. the halogen lights exploding spraying sparks down behind them .

“Halt” Vader ordered all three stopped

Music stops with a screech

“did he just interrupt our montage” Crowley asked annoyed

Dude 4th wall Dean whispered. “oh shit he’s gonna to obi one us”. Dean felt himself flying backwards a moment later hitting the ground a few feet away.

“It would be inadvisable to bring him up.” The umpire warned Vader to stop.

“Bad break up?” Anya asked ,

The umpire stopped the fight that was about to start with a curt order to them all “No use of the force; Black Magic or harsh language”, there was moment where all of them just stared at the umpire in disbelief.

“Fine” dean said finally “but no mind whammy.” He warned Vader.

“Did he really say whammy?” the agent asked her,

“ Fraid so” Anya answered the agent “out loud and in front of people.”

Crowley Anya and Dean were huddled together, “So were agreed that were going to cheat ?”

“agreed” Dean and Crowley said in unison.

“So you fought someone with mind control before?” She asked Dean. He nodded,

“how?” Crowley asked,

“ long range riffle.” Dean answered

“Smart, did it work?”

“Well I’m here.” dean said defensively,

“So that’s a no” Anya pressed Dean grimaced

“Theory’s sound and by the way…,”

Crowley interrupted Dean, “Hey is it just me or is he dressed like giant black C…

“Rooster” the agent interrupted “for the record he said Rooster” Anya shrugged “anyhow we started the game.”

Dean walking up to the plate swinging the bat in the air a few times. Settling down. Vader pulled the ball from his glove, and with the force the ball shot at dean hitting in the knee. “ take your base” the sith ordered, Dean moaned as he limped to the base looking to the umpire who just shook his head. A terrified look in his eyes “what do you want me to do?” he whimpered.

Crowley stepped up to the plate. the ball shot forward again spinning impossibly fast from Vader towards, Crowley, at the last minute it shot backwards avoiding Crowley’s swing. “Strike one!” the umpire called.

“Nice trick” Crowley said, “sure it impresses the tourists. “ Vader shot another ball at him. but it disappeared in the air. “Any two bit demon’s got that kind of juice. And look at my jacket I’m worth a lot more than two bits…” the ball appeared over the wall falling softly into a fans lap. “Homerun sunshine.” He said to the umpire as he started to walk leisurely around the bases

The agent interrupted, “We have lost track of the bunnies where were they in all of this.”

“yeah the bunnies” Anya said guiltily “they kind of left?” she said

“Left but they… oh never mind. Can we move it forward a little” She nodded “

It was the 6th inning when the rails fell off.” Dean was on second base he called to Anya “remember that time in New Jersey,”

“no “ she said angrily. Glaring at dean and back to crowley.

The agent looked up same impassive face, “New Jersey?”

Not a chance John law.

“Nice” Vader said nodding his head, as Anya did her sexy dance. Anya about to pull off her top off. Dean sneaked up behind Vader, kicking him between the legs. Vader collapsed to the ground, groaning in agony.

Crowley and Dean laughing, hysterically. A few of the storm troopers in the outfield stifled a laughs. “ I was kind of hoping that the he would yell Nooooo in a really high pitched voice you know like in the end of…” Dean stopped

“4th wall” Crowley warned . A second later two baseballs flew through the air one hitting Dean one hitting Crowley both collapsed.

“Hurts so bad.” Dean said holding his crotch. “i can taste pain literaly”

“That’s it” Crowley growled getting up slowly only to get hit in the crotch again…

“The situation kind of fell apart from that point” Anya said to the Agent. “So there we were waiting for the boys to finish up.”

Re- Cue music “Gimme shelter by the rolling stones

Anya sitting against the fence. With a storm trooper, each eating a hotdog, “yeah it kind of sucks, but you know dad was a trooper so family business . Still three years not one increase it show a fundamental lack of respect.” She looked over to him

“You know you really shouldn’t take that kind crap. I mean your clone not a slave,”

“See that’s the thing I’m not just a clone, I’m just a guy a shlub like anyone else.”

“So why don’t you leave “

“Well there’s dental, and my boss is a giant and can choke you with his mind besides he’s like the biggest bad ass in the galaxy.”

Vader chased Crowley and Dean past them shooting electricity at them. Anya shook her head “Still i think you should have a union or something”

"My names Francis” he said to Anya “Mom said join the empire, it’ll be an adventure and look good on your résumé , and my friends there like hey dude join the rebels, fight the man. Thing is I don’t like smoking pot so…

they watched again as Dean and Crowley chasing Vader past them with buckets of water.

“So I join up it s not like I’m killing rebels or stuff mostly I order office furniture and keep people out of the garbage compactor.”

“What was that gross thing in there anyways,” she asked “Her name’s Wilma and i love her. “ He said with a warm smile.

Both watched as Vader chased Crowley and Dean with a light sabre and a baseball bat“

I’m just screwing with you” Francis said to her
“we don’t really know some kind of algae. We think it was SMEAT mixed with irradiated blue milk. So anyhow most of the time I come to work punch in, clean my office, listen to those whiners in fire control complain about a railing, I mean yes its unsafe but there’s a budget is not like we’re asking them to do gymnastics up there.

Both watched As Crowley chased Vader and Dean with a board with a nail in the end.

“Its always that way with empire you think hey cool armour and blasters and tie fighters. And you end up assistant to the assistant requisition officer of the death star. Do you know how demoralising it is to live in a place called the death star, horrible name. .

They watched as Dean chased Vader and Crowley with two sawed off shotguns

Suddenly the death star fired, the beam cutting into the dirt everyone scattering before the laser stopped. Everyone gawking in horror. “Wow that was really irresponsible” Crowley said kicking Dean in the stomach. Who stumbled backwards. Vader getting to his feet

“people could have been hurt.” Dean said pistol-whipping Vader in the head with his shotgun… Vader falling to the ground.

“Just stop all of you, do you think any of you are helping your cause here today. We just about killed the planet. Anya pleaded

All three stared at each other for a moment Crowley’s eyes narrowed, Vader nodding slightly, Dean gave a crooked smile.

“Anyhow it pretty much devolved into a slap fight from there. Anya said to the agent taking a sip of coffee, “Both teams were disqualified.”

“And the death star.” The agent asked.

“The official report said technical glitch, but Francis’s thinks it was the dudes from fire control trying to make a point, about dangerous working conditions.”

“This was a total failure you realize,” Anya smiled at the agent.

“I dont know we stopped them from winning. And francis got the money for the railing and from what i hear there going to try to start a union for all the troopers up there in the death star thingy. “

“You really think this is good result?” the agent said “

Any time I get to fight an imperialist and help the proletariat rise against them . I call it a win.

SCORE ONE FOR JUSTICE

Team Clay Dragon:
CLAYFACE
BATMAN
MORRIGAN
FLEMETH

Clayface was excited, baseball once being his favorite sport – back before he became made of clay and pounding things proved even more fun.

CLAYFACE: Let’s play some baseball.

Clayface transformed into some baseball greats: Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Babe Ruth – finally settling on Hank Aaron.

CLAYFACE: I’m ready

MORRIGAN: Cute. Now, what, might I ask, is “baseball”?

After it was explained to the Fereldans, the two mages looked at each other flabbergasted.

FLEMETH: So, if I understand correctly, it’s all about men trying to whack balls with sticks, then running around in circles?

BATMAN: Let’s be clear here – it’s a diamond.

MORRIGAN: Oh, that’s perfectly sensible then.

BATMAN: Let’s go. We have a Dark Side to vanquish … or a baseball championship to claim.

By the time our heroes-villains arrived, the seventh game of the Inetergalactic Baseball Championship – which had been postponed due to the plague incident – was going horribly, with the Earth Trekkies down 8-0 against the Imperial Stormtroopers.

But our team of four had a plan and heart (the latter of which we all know Stormtroopers lack, and is an essential element of America’s favorite pastime).

So, the game resumed with the Stormtroopers up to bat.

Batman – having developed a mean throw and deadly accuracy (literally) from the batarang – pitched, throwing a nearly impossible-to-hit fastball.

Clayface played outfield – all of it. For any flyball, he’d stretch his arm, mutating the hand into a billboard-sized glove, catching everything that came his way.

Flemeth (in dragon form, of course) played shortstop and unleashed her fiery dragonbreath on any Stormtrooper attempting to get past second. Soon they stopped trying to advance at all, leading to countless force outs.

Naturally, this got Manager Vader quite pissed and he’d Force choke his cowardly players, leaving them with a most uncomfortable decision – death by scorching or death by strangulation from afar.

When Vader got a littler wiser and tried force choking Flemeth, Morrigan responded by ejecting him from the game – via a nice petrify spell.

The players also had fun with taunting the Stormtroopers – another key element, they were told, of the game.

Some examples:

MORRIGAN: (to a Stormtrooper at first) Well, well, what have we here? Are you a mouse, a rodent? A lemming following blindly countless others before you unto certain death? Or merely a pathetic minion, hiding his cowardice and ineptitude behind an armor of white? Hoping for praise – or simply acknowledgment – from a man you fear and whose will you abide solely because his choice of armor is black?

BATMAN: This night the Dark Side will fall - to the power of my arm!

CLAYFACE: Death to the opposition!

FLEMETH: (to a Stormtrooper at second, stalling as his teammate approached the base) Afraid of a few flames, are you? A great choice stands before you: to be the sole reason your teammate unceremoniously falls to an out or to feel the blazing pain of a moot attempt.

When it was Earth’s turn at bat, Morrigan cast cone of cold on all the outfielders and infielders, so they were frozen solid. Thus, even weakly hit ground balls to first turned into inside-the-park homers.

Batman and Clayface (as a giant Hank Aaron) proved to be the power hitters – scoring traditional homers.

A bit later, after officials consulted the Intergalactic Baseball Rulebook, which was penned in part by Douglas Adams, it was realized our team had reached the magic number to claim a mercy win. Thus, the Trekkies came out on top with a final score of 42 to 8, and Earth celebrated its victory with a parade – and riots, of course.

BATMAN: Tonight justice was victorious …

MORRIGAN: … with a teensy bit of cheating.

Team Player: Death All Star Attack

The team is sitting in the away team locker room of Imperial Stadium. Adama has a large white board, with a crappy computer generated display of a baseball diamond. He is standing in front of the rest of the team pointing at the diagram.
Adama: “The Imperial team is heavily equipped with the latest sports gear and carries more hitting power then half the American League. It’s defense is built around a direct large swing for the fences.”
Scott: “Pardon me for asking, but what good are single runners against that?”
Adama: The Empire doesn’t consider a small lone runner a threat, or they would play tighter down the line. An analysis of the scouting report, provided by Princess Ramona has demonstrated a weakness in the Empires’ positions. But the approach will not be easy. You are required to run straight down this base path this point. The target area is only half a meter wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust home plate, right in front of the catcher. A precise hit will start a reaction which should score us some runs. Only a precise touch will count. The plate is umpire-shielded, so you’ll have to use fair play.
Larry: That’s impossible, even for a Cylon!
Scott: “It’s not impossible. I used to head-butt Vegans back home, they’re not much wider than half a meter.”
Todd looks are Scott.
Adama: Then man your dressing room. And may the fans be with us.

Both teams and the umpires assemble on the field, for the playing of the national anthems. The game will be umpired by Jabba the Hutt, assisted by Salacious B. Crumb at third, Admiral Ackbar at second, and a Taun Taun at first.
First the Imperial March is played for the home team, followed by the GWC theme for Team Players. The Empire takes the field first, and Team Players heads to their dugout.
Adama [holding a clip board]: “Ok, here is the order. Scott, your leading off. Todd, your second, and I’m third. Larry will be fourth. I will also be coaching first. And third.”
Scott: “Wait, where am I?!”
Todd: “He just said you were leading off.”
Scott: “Oh, ok.”
(Author’s note: For those of you who play baseball, you know this always happens when the order is given out.)

Scott steps up to the plate first. He looks at Vader, standing on the mound, he looks even taller and more intimidating then normal, almost as scary as Randy Johnson.
Scott: “Look at the size of that guy!”
Adama: “Cut the chatter. Stay in batting formation!”
Scott steps up to the plate. Darth Vader stares at him coldly. Vader’s light saber is lit, but it is held at his side. He looks to the side, and the ball rises up from the ground and heads toward Scott. Scott pulls out his guitar and swings wildly at it, and misses.
Jabba the Hutt: “Oh ho ho ho ho.” [strike one]
Salacious B. Crumb: “Ahahhahahaha!!!”

The ball stops in front of the catcher and returns to Vader. Again it charges towards Scott. Scott takes another wild swing at the ball with his guitar, and misses, but this time the ball strikes him on the shoulder.
Jabba: “Oh ho ho ho ho.” [take your base]
Salacious B. Crumb: “Ahahhahahaha!!!”

Scott throws down his guitar and jogs to first base. Todd is next to bat. He steps into the batters box and levitates off the ground slightly. His eyes glow white.
Vader: “The Force is strong with this one.”
Vader pitches, and the ball is headed right at Todd’s head. Todd stops the ball mid air, and throws it back at Vader with his full Vegan powers. Vader sticks out his hand and catches the ball effortlessly.
Vader: “Impressive.”
Jabba: “Oh ho ho ho ho.” [Out]
Salacious B. Crumb: “Ahahhahahaha!!!”

Adama is next up.
Adama [pulling out a pipe]: “I like to keep this handy… for close encounters.”
Larry: “I heard that.”
Adama steps up to the plate. The ball comes quickly and Adama smashes it as hard as he can with the pipe. The ball rolls just slightly ahead.
Jabba: “Ohhh… DeGa!” [Fair!]
Adama runs full speed towards first. The Stormtrooper who is catching scrabbles to try and grab the ball. He fumbles about, but loses the ball. Adama runs through first and plows strait into the Taun Taun who is umpping first.
Taun Taun: “Yaakel Gaggle!!”
The Taun Taun dies.

Stormtrooper catcher: “Lord Vader, I can’t see a thing in the helmet!”
Vader raises his arms and the Stormtrooper grabs his neck, then passes out.” Another Strormtrooper quickly replaces him.

Larry is next to bat. He steps up to the plate, squares his stance and narrows his eye. Vader pitches the ball, and Larry swings the side of his head into it. It is a line drive, right down the third base line. The Stormtrooper third baseman jumps to catch it, but he can’t hold on to it. He lands with the ball underneath him. He looks to the second base umpire.
Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a trap!!” he says, and waves the catch off with his flippers.
Scott rounds third base and is headed home. The Stormtrooper third baseman picks the ball up, and turns to throw. “Stay on target!” Adama yells.
“Just hold them off a few seconds!” Larry yells from first base.
Scott: “Almost there…”
Scott sees the ball flying above him, heading to the catcher…
He dives into the air, hoping to beat the throw “It’s away!” he yells.
Scott guides himself into home plate and beats the throw.
Jabba: “Ohhaaa…” [Safe]
Todd (sarcastically, from the dugout): “Great shot kid, that was one in a million.” He rolls his eyes.
Scott: “Wooo! I win!”

Vader is standing in front of home plate.
Vader: “I couldn’t have let up a run. This was supposed be my shut out! I felt it!”
The ground stars shaking, and the stadium begins to crumble.
Vader: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!”
All around them the stadium is collapsing.
Todd: “Now, let’s go home.” Todd telekinetically grabs Adama, who is also heading towards home and grabs Scott, and they fly out of the Stadium. A moment later the stadium explodes.

Later…
Out of the rubble crawls Larry.
Larry: “See if I ever help you meatbags again. This is what I get for the winning RBI?”
As Larry crawls away, faintly from the rubble, raspy, mechanical breathing can be heard. And then a moment later… “Aahahahahaha!!”
Larry crawls off at ludicrous speed.

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

The stadium was in ruins. There were dead or dying Stormtroopers everywhere, the spectators had evacuated the stands, and most of the infield was on fire. Baseballs still hovered in the air, spitting blaster bolts at anyone who came near them. Goliath, Sherlock, Xanatos and Moriarty stood at home plate, talking to Yoda.

“Sorry for all the confusion, lads,” Moriarty said. “I needed to draw the Emperor out of seclusion. You three were the bait.”

“I see you’ve developed a few new talents,” Sherlock said dryly. “Care to explain?”

“Not really,” Moriarty said. “They’re a means to an end.”

“And what is the end you have in mind, Moriarty?” Goliath asked.

Moriarty pointed skyward. “That space station up there. It’s a weapon, powerful enough to destroy an entire planet. The Death Star, the Empire calls it.”

“Destroy the planet, Vader will,” Yoda interjected. “Stop him, you must.”

“Don’t worry,” Moriarty said. “I’ve got reinforcements on the way. They should be enough to persuade Vader to stand down.”

Yoda shook his head. “Surrender, Vader will not. Clouded by anger, his judgment is. And fear.”

“We need to get up there,” Xanatos said. “I’ll have Owen bring the jet around.” He turned to Yoda. “Come with us. We could use your help.”

“Leave, I cannot. My home, this planet is. My resting place, it will be. May the Force be with you.” Yoda turned and shuffled off.

“I guess it’s up to us then,” Sherlock said.

“Just like old times!” Moriarty added.


Weapons fire pierced the dark vacuum of space, illuminating the surface of the Death Star. The Cerberus/Rebel Alliance fleet had torn through the Empire’s defensive lines like tissue paper. Broken hulks of Star Destroyers drifted in orbit around the massive station. Only the Super Star Destroyer Executor shielded the Death Star from direct attack. The enormous vessel had taken heavy damage, but its sheer size and incredible firepower kept it in the fight.

The Xanatos space-jet flew through the wreckage, approaching the Death Star cautiously. The battlestation was slowly rotating to take aim at Dagobah.

“There,” Sherlock said, pointing to a scan of the Death Star on the viewer. “It looks there’s some sort of exhaust port. It’s unshielded. The opening is only about two meters wide… Not wide enough for a ship.”

“But wide enough for my armor,” Xanatos said. “I can fly along this trench here, towing one of our missiles. Once I reach the port, I can bring the missle inside and arm the tracking system. It should shoot straight down to the reactor core and detonate. That might be enough to destroy the entire station.”

“We don’t have enough time,” Goliath said. “We need to get over there and stop the weapon from firing. Moriarty and I will go aboard and find this Darth Vader. We’ll force him to put a stop to this madness.”

“How do you plan to get over there?” Xanatos asked.

“Right there,” Sherlock said, pointing out the cockpit window. A small shuttle was drifting, not far from the launch bay of a wrecked Star Destroyer. It appeared to be intact. “There’s our ride.”


The Death Star thrummed with power. The main weapon was almost fully charged. In a matter of minutes, the planet Dagobah would be reduced to an asteroid field of rock and frozen swamp water. He hoped Yoda knew that death was coming for him.

“Sir, there’s a shuttle requesting permission to land,” a lieutenant said. “They’re survivors from the Star Destroyer Fearless.”

“Bring them aboard. Estimated time to firing capacity?”

“Five minutes, mi’lord,” the lieutenant replied.

“Very good. Order the Executor to–” Vader’s command was cut off by a report from another lieutenant.

“Sir, there’s something happening in the docking bay. Security is reporting…”

Inside his mask, Vader’s scarred face drew into a hard mask of its own. “Moriarty.”

“Mi’lord?”

“I deal with the intruders myself. Destroy the planet as soon as the batteries reach full capacity. You have your orders.” Vader swept from the command center, his fresh cape swirling behind him.


The Stormtroopers guarding the docking bay never stood a chance. Moriarty used his biotic powers to pull them into space as the shuttle passed through the forcefield. The shuttle landed in a empty bay. Moriarty knew reinforcements would be arriving soon, so he told Goliath to stay on the shuttle.

“He’ll come to us. You’ll know when the time is right to strike,” he said. He strolled to the center of the huge bay and waited.

When the lift doors opened a few moments later, Darth Vader stepped out alone. His lightsaber glowed red and deadly in his hands.

“So, we meet again,” Vader said. “This time, I will destroy you.”

“You can try. I’d be surprised, Vader, I really would.”

“If you only knew the power of Dark Side.”

“Oh, but I do!” Moriarty launched a massive warp attack at Vader, who easily deflected it with his lightsaber. He used the Force to pull several large shipping containers down on top of Moriarty. Pinned, Moriarty cast a singularity at the ceiling. The containers floated off him.

“Your powers are nothing compared to the Dark Side of the Force,” Vader said. Before Moriarty could get to his feet, Vader closed in and swung his lightsaber, chopping down at him. Moriarty blocked the blow with a lightsaber of his own. Vader staggered back, surprised.

“Ta-da! Yoda had a spare. He said it used to belong to a friend of yours. Purple’s an odd color, though, isn’t it? Good thing I took fencing at boarding school,” Moriarty said.

Vader batted the attack aside. “Pathetic,” he said. He reached out with the Force and yanked the lightsaber from Moriarty’s hand, deactivated it, and tossed it down a cargo shaft.

Moriarty pounded the floor and sent a shockwave rippling across the room. It knocked Vader off his feet and sent him sprawling. “It’s time to end this,” he said, summoning a singularity to blast at Vader’s face.

“I agree,” Vader said. Reaching out with the Force, he seized the biotic implants installed in Moriarty’s body. Moriarty screamed in agony as the Dark Lord of the Sith crushed the implants connected directly to his nervous system. With a savage pull, Vader ripped the implants from Moriarty’s body. The human collapsed onto the deck, unconscious.

Vader tossed the implants aside. “All too easy,” he gloated. He didn’t sense Goliath behind him as the gargoyle grabbed the Sith Lord’s helmet and wrenched it off and crushed it between his massive hands. Gasping for breath, Vader dropped his lightsaber and fell to the deck.

“Yes, too easy,” Goliath said, hoisting Vader up by his chestpiece and dangling him over the cargo shaft. “You will order your crew to shut down the weapon, or you will die. The choice is yours.”

Vader wheezed into his comm device. “This… is Lord… Vader. Cancel… firing sequence.”

Goliath tossed the Sith Lord aside. “I suggest you order your men to evacuate the station,” he said as he scooped up Moriarty and carried him back to the shuttle. “I believe it’s about to explode.”


Back on board the space-jet, Xanatos was climbing out of his armor. “I set the missile to activate via remote,” he said to Sherlock. “What’s the status of the main weapon?”

“It powered down a few minutes ago,” Sherlock said. “It looks like they’re evacuating the station.”

“I take it Goliath and Moriarty showed them the error of their ways. I supposed we won’t have to blow it up after all.”

“Look, here comes their shuttle now,” Sherlock pointed that the viewport.

When the shuttle docked and the airlock opened, Goliath was cradling Moriarty in his arms. “He’s lost a lot of blood,” the gargoyle said.

“Contact the Normandy,” Xanatos ordered Owen. “They may have medical facilities that can help him.”

The Executor had been destroyed, and the combined Cerberus/Rebel Alliance fleet was busy rounding up the evacuees from the Death Star. Only a few fast-moving TIE fighters managed to get away. The Normandy docked quickly with the space-jet and transferred Moriarty over to their sickbay. The Normandy’s doctor said she believed that Moriarty would make a fully recovery, but that it would be impossible for him to receive biotic implants ever again, due to the shock to his nervous system.

Sherlock shook his head. “Can someone please tell me how my arch-enemy always seems to end up the hero of these adventures?”

Xanatos smiled. “We’re funny that way.”

EPILOGUE

Xanatos stood in the Death Star command center, admiring the view. He turned to Owen. “Magnificent. I’d like to add this to my personal collection. See to it, Owen.”

“I believe that both the leaders of Cerberus and the Rebel Alliance have staked a claim, sir. Their fleets have significantly more firepower than we do,” Owen said stiffly.

“They can’t both have it, but neither is willing to destroy it” Xanatos said. “I’m giving them a third option that allows them each to benefit and still save face: I’ll pay them each an obscene amount of money for it. After all, you know what they say: pay a man enough, and he’ll walk barefoot into Hell.”

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT FSL 3.0 CHALLENGE

I’m not really a sports fan, but this should work



Team Starsaber
Jaina Solo
Darth Caedus
Chloe Sullivan (early Smallville Season 8)
Lionel Luthor

"Vader must be using some form of battle meditation," Jaina commented after the first half of the first inning ended with the Imperial team hitting 3 home runs.  "That's the only way the stormtroopers could actually hit anything."

"I will start using battle meditation to coordinate our own efforts," Caedus said. "Such as they are."

"You two are the only real athletes on our team," Chloe said.  "I can handle myself in a fight, but baseball was never my strong suit.  Plus, they have a full team and there are only the four of us.  That wouldn't be a problem if Clark was here, but he isn't."

"Miss Solo, could you use the Force to throw the ball out of the park after any of us hits it?" Luthor suggested.

"Vader will know if one of us does," Caedus answered.  "And I am sure that the umpires will be displeased about blatant use of the Force."

"That could work to our advantage," Jaina said.  "If they bring of ysalamiri here, it would prevent Vader from using his battle meditation."

"Ysa what?" Chloe asked.  "Sounds like a bad Scrabble draw."

"They're annoying little animals that nullify the Force within a certain radius," Caedus explained.

"Kree!" the umpire shouted from beneath his snake shaped helmet.

"I think that means 'Play Ball'," Chloe said.  "I'll lead off, and one of you make sure I hit the ball out of the park as unusually as possible."

When Vader threw his first pitch, it came in low, but suddenly rose to meet Chloe's bat.  It flew straight at the stormtrooper at second base and bounced off his helmet before flying into the swamp beyond the back fence of the stadium.  

"You have defiled the rules of this event with your Force," the umpire yelled at Jaina and Caedus.  "Lord Ba'al has provided ysalamiri to ensure that the game will proceed unhindered, and if you persist, I will place them around the field."

After Lionel hit a similarly manipulated home run, the umpire placed trees containing ysalamiri all around the field.  With Vader's battle meditation removed, he was the only player on his team who could hit Jaina's pitches.  The shorter batting rotation allowed Caedus and Jaina to bat more frequently, allowing Team Starsaber to take the lead and win.

Team Talks-a-lot: Buffy/Spike; Benjamin Sisko/Dukat

Team Talks-a-lot decides that the best solution here is for the Heroes to claim the glory while the Nemeses do the dirty work…

Ben Sisko is super competitive when it comes to baseball – so he takes over the management of the team. He puts Buffy in as a pinch hitter – she’s strong and fast and supernatural, which is three things the plague-striken Earthican team is not. The opposing manager is not sure where she falls in the Force.

Meanwhile, Dukat and Spike head to the small moon to figure out how to stop the endless supply of enemy… um… opposing players.

Back at the game… Luckily, the Stormtroopers’ aim with a baseball bat is as bad as their aim with a blaster, so there’s not much fielding expected of our suffering squad. Team Earthican, which Sisko has rebaptized the Niners, is holding on by a thread when a stray pitch mysteriously zooms around to hit Buffy in the back of the head, provoking her to exclaim, “Ow!”

Sisko, familiar with the Empire’s dirty deeds, starts shouting at the opposing manager. “Oh, what the hell are you doing? You can’t tell me you didn’t do that! Ump, did you see that? What were you doing, wondering what the hell a midichlorian is?”

Vader comes out of the dugout. “If you find out the answer to that question, get back to me.”

The umpire looks around somewhat dazed. Buffy, rubbing the back of her head, steps back into the batter’s box…

Out in space… Dukat and Spike fly around Dagobah but find no trace of any small moon from which reinforcements might be coming. “Well that’s bloody strange,” Spike comments.

“This must be some kind of deceit.” Dukat muses to himself. Spike glances over to him as he realizes something. “Hey, mate, you saw Empire Strikes Back, right?”

“Which Empire?”

Spike shakes his head in disbelief. “Star Wars?” Dukat gives him a blank look. Spike continues: “In that movie Luke came to Dagobah and had a vision of Darth Vader who had his face. It was creepy and all, but maybe if we find that cave we can figure out why people on the surface think there’s that moon-thingy up here.” Dukat smiles to himself as he steers the ship towards the surface.

Back at the game… We’re at the seventh-inning stretch, but the Imperial team seems to have no interest in stretching. Buffy decides that the nemeses need more time to dial back the strength of the opposing team, and encourages the spirit squad to stall – so they decide to reenact a series of twentieth-century seventh-inning stretch entertainments – like the Sausage Race! With her strength and speed, and the general ineptitude of the Stormtroopers, the game is tied! Sisko’s pumping his players full of liquid in the hopes that it will combat the effects of the plague.

At the cave… Dukat approaches the cave while Spike makes himself ridiculous by wrapping up in a blanket to avoid bursting into flames. As they move forward, Dukat feels a nagging in the back of his mind… “flames…” As they enter the cave, Spike leaves behind his blanket cover. They move past a mechanical system that looks like some sort of amplifier/projector, and come upon none other than…

DARK HELMET!

“What the hell?” Spike grabs Helmet by the shoulder while Dukat examines the amplifying equipment.

Dark Helmet’s faceplate is raised as he exclaims “I can’t breathe in this thing, but it does make me more menacing.” Spike gives him a sardonic look. “Hey, I just wanted Evil to triumph, because Good is Dumb. And I’ve got a lot of money riding on the outcome of this game…”

Dukat shuts off the mechanical equipment as Spike drags Helmet by his scruff back to the ship.

Back at the game… Sisko begins to grin as he notices a change in the opposing team. They, too, are showing the effects of the plague! As the seventh-inning stretch comes to an end, he notices the Cardassian ship landing outside of the ballpark. Within a few minutes, Dukat and Spike join Buffy and Sisko in the dugout, dragging Helmet behind them, who explains it all.

“Well now that we have a more even field, so to speak, I guess we can relax and cheer. I think something Worf once said is appropriate here: Death to the opposition!” Sisko smiles openly and sends Buffy out to bat yet again.

2 innings later, and the Earthicans have done it! While the team itself was pathetic, so were the other guys, and the members of Team Talks-a-lot made the difference between a run and no runs… at least, that kind of runs. The crowd thought Dark Helmet was the new mascot for the Imperial team, and the spirit squad made him race the Sausages around the dugouts before the authorities came to take him away.

Once Helmet was gone and the team was celebrating, Sisko commented to his teammates “That’s what I love about this game – you never know what’s going to happen next, every situation is different.” Spike adds: “and we won!,” giving Buffy and Dukat high fives.

The team sat around the briefing room table.

“It couldn’ta’ been hockey,” Wolverine didn’t bother hiding his frustrations with the new mission. “Anyone here know anything about baseball?”

River tam was flipping through a rulebook, mumbling about inconsistencies and tearing pages apart.

I’m not contracted to watch sports." The blue handed man seemed particularly deadpan.

“Well it looks like we’re killin’ our way out again. Fortunately, killin’s what we do best.” Wolverine cracked the smallest grin when he said this. “We’ll be briefed on how to destroy a ‘Death Star’ using the Star Wars documentary. Our approach will be modified slightly because we don’t have a fleet of fighters to do a suicide run.”

“That documentary is from a long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. There is no way the vulnerabilities shown are still exploitable on this model.” Sabertooth showed a surprising level of knowledge on the subject. Eyebrows were raised. “What? Everyone’s seen that documentary right?”

“You underestimate the bureaucracy involved when building a moon sized space station,” Blue Hands interjected with confidence. “Even small changes on a project this size would involve hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of different team leaders and rubber stamps. It is unlikely that any changes to the original plans have been made, or even proposed in fear of the delays they would cause.”

“Well if we’ve all seen the briefing film, let’s jump right into how we’re gonna take care of this,” Wolverine dimmed the lights and started up the holo-projector which showed a crude wireframe of the Death Star. He laid out the details of what would hopefully be a third successful mission.

Horizontal wipe changes scenes to a gun battery aboard the Death Star

“Sir a small escape pod is on a collision course with the station!” The nameless trooper manning the gun battery was eager for some action, and was taking aim.

“Hold your fire. There’s no life signs aboard,” The Sergeant in charge of the gun batteries didn’t even look up from his clip board. He made a note of the current time with no further entry details. "One of the custodial drones will clean up any debris on their next pass by the sector.

The small escape pod slowed itself with it’s retro-rockets just before impact, coming to a smooth landing on the giant space station. As predicted by the gunnery sergeant, a custodial drone arrived shortly after and moved the pod to the nearest trash compactor. After a few minutes the pod finally opened revealing Wolverine, Sabertooth, and River. She was the fastest to recover, having already done this once back on Ariel. River began to brace the now closing walls with whatever refuse she could, hoping to buy enough time for the other two to recover from their temporary deaths.

With only a few seconds to spare, Wolverine sprung up, popped his claws, “SNIKT!” and leapt over a discarded couch ripping a small access door open. The two quickly dragged Sabertooth out the door just as he was recovering from the drug induced death. Not out of the woods yet, two storm troopers rounded a corner. “Stop them! Blast them!” the battle cry of the troopers was punctuated by blaster fire. Wolverine made quick work of the two lackies, making sure to not damage the armour; They’d need it intact.

Vertical bars wipe cuts to another part of the Death Star

“Check in, what’s your business here?” The petty officer sitting behind his desk glanced up at the large cat like beast in handcuffs, being led by 2 storm troopers.

Prisoner transport from cell block one one three eight, going off station," Though there was no hesitation in his voice, Wolverine clenched his hands slightly, preparing for the worst.

“Aren’t you two a little short to be storm troopers?” The desk clerk raised an eyebrow slightly, looking up from his clipboard.

“It’s perspective. We just look short compared to the height of the prisoner,” River’s response came quickly enough to stop Wolverine from attacking. The clerk made a note on his clipboard, and pressed an unmarked button on his console opening the door to the hanger. The team entered briskly and made their way to the nearest TIE bomber.

Closing circle wipe to the Blue Handed man walking down a stadium hallway.

Blue hands approached an Imperial officer , who was standing with two storm troopers in the middle of the hallway. “Halt! No one is to disturb the team before the game begins.” The officer held up his hand in the universal ‘stop’ position as the two storm troopers readied their blasters.

“I’m an attorney representing the Earth team. Since we’ve had to change our roster we need the other team’s manager to sign off on the changes, so that any ruling on this game’s outcome is official.” Blue Hands stood silent, waiting for a response.

“No one is to disturb the team before the game. We’re under strict orders from Lord Vader himself.” The officer had lowered his hand and began to scribble notes on his clipboard. The two storm troopers tightened their grip, placing thier fingers on the triggers of their weapons.

“Well, a ranking officer of the Galactic Empire should have legal authority to sign off on these changes.” Blue Hands opened his briefcase removing two official looking documents and handed them to the officer. “Please, blue ink only.” He reached into his pocket and handed the officer a blue, pen like device. As the officer clicked it open, a look of pain overcame him. The three men dropped to the ground, blood leaking from all orifices.

Hands of Blue picked up the papers and small blue device, made a mental note that it worked through storm trooper armour, and made his way to the Empire team’s locker room. Not more than a minute later he walked back out, behind him, the team lay dead on the floor. He continued through the hallway to the field. Vader was already meeting with the Umpire, handing him his team’s battle order. He looked back and was disappointed to see the Blue Handed man walking out of the dugout rather than his team of players.

“Lord Vader, please sign these papers making your forfeit of the game official,” The blue handed gentleman calmly held the papers out for the tall menacing figure before him. His feet slowly lifted off the ground and he began to choke as Vader turned and began channeling his hatred into him. The blue handed man, as calmly as he could remain, simply looked down at his watch, then upwards towards to Death Star visible in the sky above. Vader’s gaze followed that of Blue Hand’s and seconds later, the station exploded in the most spectacular way imaginable. Vader broke the grip he had on his opponent, raised his open hands in the air and bellowed “NOOOOOOO!” as the stadium lights shattered and the fence crumpled.

The Death Star Nine took to the field while their manager in black paced in the dugout. A win would be the final test for his new management position before he heads off to his old stomping grounds of Tatoonie. The home team looked to take this game with little effort. The visiting team was slowly dying in the dugout, but some medical droids were trying to save the team from Earth. With little hope that the Earthlings could take the field, Team Seriously was called up from the minors. Being that they only had four players on their roster, some ringers had to be called in to complete the team.

A small Republic transport landed in the outfield with the replacements aboard. Five beings exited the starship and headed to the visitor’s dugout. Down the stairs came Ahsoka Tano, Padme Amidala, Captain Rex, Count Dooku, and Chewbacca. Just as the ringers sat down in the dugout, the replacement Twi’lek cheerleaders came running out of the transport to get the crowd pumped during the game because baseball needs cheerleaders.

Lord Vader seeing the players from the visiting team brought an emotion that he had long forgotten. Seeing those that he had either killed or abandoned in his past, brought out sorrow in the Dark Lord of the Sith. Vader knew that for him to get his head straightened out, he had to leave the planet. Darth turned to TK-421 and told his that he was now in charge of the team. Lord Vader bolted from the locker room and left the planet in his X-1 Advanced Tie. A Star Destroyer jumped out of hyperspace to pick up Vader and departed for Tatoonie.

After every inning that the visitors batted around, new stormtroopers had to be called down to resupply the team because Grievous kept decapitating them as they rounded the bases. Chewie tore enough limbs from troopers that a bunch of the cheerleaders were able to put on an epic hand puppet show for the kids in attendance. Captain Rex was reluctant in taking on the Stormtroopers because he had a feeling of family, so he tried his best to hide his grief over what his teammates were doing.

Jar Jar and C-3PO were dependable at striking out when they were at bat. Padme was great at getting doubles but could not get on base any other way. Count Dooku was always pushing the opponents out of the way when that were trying to make a play on the ball, or he would just force lightning them for the fun of it.

Obi-Wan and Ahsoka used their powers for good, old fashioned home runs. The visiting team just kept running up the score on the poor Stormtroopers. TK-421 was beside himself with watching the carnage that the other team was inflicting on his team. As the game came to an end, the Imperials boarded their shuttle in shame and returned to that small moon in the night sky. As the moon disappeared below the horizon, the visiting team showered each other with bubbly in the locker room. The love in the room was magical, teammates kissing as only a dream could describe. Team Seriously had won the day but what challenges lay ahead that could destroy this new found friendship.