FSL 3.0 challenge 2: Den of Trolls

I’m so glad to see you all back this week. Ok, so it looks like we had a few hic-ups in last weeks activity. Remember the goal here guys is to try and work WITH each other not try and kill each other while doing a fun activity. Hands of Blue, I’m looking at you here buddy, lets try and refrain from killing everyone we come in contact with ok?

So lets just shake off last week and try something a little different. This time we are going to try and do a little role playing. Right then, each of you will role play your arch enemy for this next task to try and better understand your foe’s feelings.

With this in mind I have a report here of… Oh crom, they’ve got to be kidding. I can’t send this group there, I have no idea what command is thin… nevermind, its not important. [rubbing forehead] alright ladies and gents you’re headed out of system… to Chora’s Den. Yes, that’s right, I’m sending you out to the Citadel. Venture, Monarch, this is not a high five occasion! Please, please TRY not to embarress us folks. Human relations are rather strained with the rest of the galaxy right now as it is.

Chora’s Den [still rubbing forehead as if in pain] is a non-stripping strip club of some rather notorius reputation. Our transport will drop you off at the station. When you get there proceed (I can’t believe I’m saying this) directly to the strip club Chora’s Den.

There you will find it has been invaded!

Unfortunately a large contingent of fully grown mountian trolls have stolen a ship and, unhappy with their lot in life, have conspired to take over Chora’s Den and force the jumpsuit clad non-strippers off stage where the trolls then take their place on the rather inadequately constructed stages and bars to gather tips to further their cause of liberation. It’s a painful situation for all concerned.

Remove the trolls and make sure the real dancers are safe so customers can lean forward and sit back at their leisure - while role playing your nemesis. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that no one other than the trolls need be harmed.

Have Fun kids and remember that healing begins in our own hearts!

Deadline: June 17th, 4pm Central, 5pm EST

I know there’s a rag tag very very small fleet of GWCers (me included) that aren’t familiar with Mass Effect.

So Sean on Twitter graciously provided me with this link http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Chora’s_Den explaining what Chora’s Den is.
Thanks bro.

Xanatos aimed his laser pistol at Moriarty’s head. “I don’t mind getting my hands dirty, Jim,” he said. “Bye-ie!”

“That’s a very heroic move for an arch-villain,” Moriarty said. “Allow me to even the odds just a bit.” The laser dots targeting Goliath shifted to Xanatos. “Goliath, please take his gun”

The gargoyle looked surprised. After a moment, he said, “No.”

“Goliath, be smart about this. I’m offering you chance to rid yourself of your nemesis once and for all. I’ll let you walk away scott-free, even give you safe passage back to Manhattan. Take. His. Gun.”

“You have proven yourself to be just as untrustworthy as Xanatos,” Goliath growled. “Even if I could take you at your word, I would not be party to murder.”

“Suit yourself,” Moriaty said, but before he could give a command to his snipers, Goliath’s arm darted out and grabbed him around the throat. Moriarty didn’t think that a creature so large could move so fast.

Hoisting Moriarty off his feet and letting him dangle, Goliath hollered to the snipers in the jungle. “I will snap his neck unless you lower your guns! If you think your bullets can stop me before I do, you are welcome to try!”

Unable to speak due to the massive hand around his throat, Moriarty was only able to wave his hand in a downward motion. Slowly, the laser dots lowered to the ground, no longer targeting Sherlock and Xanatos.

“Owen,” Xanatos said into a concealed microphone in his lapel. “Now.”

The roar of rocket boosters filed the jungle. Within seconds, Xanatos’s personal robot army, the metal gargoyles he called the Steel Clan, descended on Moriarty’s concealed snipers. Before the snipers could raise their weapons, the Steel Clan had disarmed and subdued them. The robots frog-marched the snipers out into the jungle, followed by Xanatos’s aide-de-camp, Owen Burnett.

“Well done, Owen,” Xanatos said. “Goliath, please put Mr. Moriarty down. He’s no longer a threat to us.”

Goliath let go of Moriarty’s neck and let the man fall to the ground. The criminal landed on his posterior in the dirt. “Do you mean you were holding your robots in reserve the entire time, when we were almost devoured by that creature and its offspring?”

“I was. I had to be sure that I had an ace up my sleeve when Mr. Moriarty played his hand. When Mr. Holmes here informed me of Mr. Moriarty’s penchant for snipers on the helicopter ride over, I instructed Owen to be on the lookout for an ambush. I think it all worked out perfectly, thanks to Goliath’s courageous gesture.”

Sherlock slapped a pair of handcuffs on Moriarty and pulled him to his feet. “I’m afraid you’ve ruined your Westwood suit.”

“Try not to gloat, Sherlock,” Moriarty said. “It’s quite an infuriating trait you have.”

“I’ve been told that before.”

“My apologies, sir,” Owen said, holding his phone. “Something just came over the news. Apparently, the Arecibo Radio Telescope intercepted a distress signal from outside the solar system. SETI has decoded the transmission, and it appears to relate to a space station called the Citadel. It’s been invaded, and SETI believes that Earth may be next.”

“We can’t have that,” Xanatos said. “I trust you remembered to pack my Steel Clan exoframe?”

“Yes, sir,” Owen said.

“Excellent. Goliath, I hope we can set aside our differences to stop this invasion.”

“Very well. I’d prefer to return home to my clan, but I agree that this new threat takes precedence. Will you help us, detective?”

“It seems the game is already on,” Sherlock said. “I can’t resist an interesting challenge.”

“What do we do about him?” Goliath asked, gesturing at Moriarty.

“He comes with us. I’m certainly not turning him loose. Once we return home, we can turn him over to the authorities. I’m sure that Mr. Holmes should be able to provide a character reference sufficient to get him put away for life.”

“And what about his henchmen?”

“We leave them here,” Sherlock suggested. “I’m sure they’ve been instructed to help free Moriarty. so bringing them along would be a liability. They can’t do much if they’re marooned on an island in the middle of the Caribbean Sea.”

“Makes sense to me,” Xanatos said. He instructed his robots to collect the snipers’ weapons, pile them up in the center of the clearing, and destroy them with their lasers.

“I’d be happy to provide you all with transportation,” Xanatos said. “My jet has been been rigged for interstellar flight, and we need to get there as quickly as we can.”

Owen led them to a Xanatos jet that had landed on the far side of the island. The jet, which had vertical take-off capability, was soon airborne.

Xanatos began to don his red and black Steel Clan armor. Sherlock shoved Moriarty into a seat as far from the cockpit as possible, where he hoped the criminal wouldn’t be able to do any harm. Goliath found a spot in the corner of the cabin and struck a majestic pose. As the jet gained altitude, the first rays of dawn appeared on the horizon. In seconds, the huge gargoyle had turned completely to stone.

“That’s… inconvenient,” Sherlock commented. He had been counting gargoyle’s help to defeat their new adversary.

“Their stone form heals most wounds and extends their lifetime to twice that of a human,” Xanatos said. “It has its advantages. Once we leave that atmosphere, he should revert to his gargoyle form.”

“How do you know?” Sherlock asked.

“Gargoyles are magical creatures,” Xanatos said. “However, even magic has certain limitations. Just as the spell that bound them as stone for a thousand years was broken when they there raised above the clouds, my studies of the mystical tome called the Grimorum Arcanorum have indicated that only solar rays filtered through Earth’s atmosphere can turn a gargoyle to stone. In space, the unfiltered rays of the sun should have no effect on Goliath, and he should revert back to his living form.”

“Won’t that prevent him from healing?” Sherlock asked.

“It may,” Xanatos allowed. “However, I’m hoping that this mission won’t take too long.”

As the Xanatos jet left the atmosphere, Goliath’s stone skin began to crack. With a roar, Goliath flexed and stretched, scattering bits of stone to the corners of the cabin. Owen emerged from the cockpit.

“Sir, I’ve managed to triangulate the origin of the distress call. We’re ready to go to FTL,” he said.

“FTL?” Sherlock asked. “You mean faster-than-light? That technology doesn’t exist. It’s not possible!”

“Oh, Sherlock,” Moriarty said from his seat in the back on the cabin. “Is your mental capacity so limited that you’ve never solved the problem of faster-than-light travel? Even as a theoretical exercise, I found it simplistic to the point of tedium. What have you got? An Alcubierre drive? Primitive but effective, I suppose.”

“Very good, Mr. Moriarty,” Xanatos said. “It took my best scientists years to solve the problems inherent with building a functioning Alcubierre drive, once we had discovered the formula in the alien relic on Easter Island. Take us to warp speed on my mark, Owen.”

“Yes, sir. Standing by.”

“Engage!” Xanatos said with great flourish. After a pause, he turned and said, “I’ve always wanted to say that.”


The Citadel hung in space, a massive five-armed space station silhouetted against the luminescent dust of the Serpent Nebula. As their vessel approached, they were intercepted by a ship of the Citadel Fleet. The station’s defenses were clearly on high alert, given the recent invasion.

The dreadnought’s commander appeared on their comm screen. To the surprise of the humans on board, the alien commander most closely resembled Goliath. Despite the fact that Xanatos was in command of their ship, Goliath elected to speak for them.

“We cannot allow you to dock with the station,” the alien commander said apologetically. “We are currently dealing with a matter of internal security.”

“We’ve come a great distance to offer aid. If you allow us to board your facility, we will help in any way we can.”

“We appreciate your offer, but I assure you that we have the situation well in hand. We’ll let you dock as soon as matters are resolved.” The dreadnought commander severed the comm link.

“We obviously aren’t going to get their permission to board the station,” Sherlock said. “We’ll have to find some other way to get over there.”

“I may have a solution,” Xanatos said. “Owen?”

Xanatos’s stoic aide-de-camp slowly removed his glasses and placed them in his shirt pocket. He began to twirl in circle, faster and faster, until he spun about in the air like a whirlwind. Suddenly, the spinning stopped, and in the air hovered the mischievous sprite Goliath knew as Puck. Sherlock and Moriarty could not help but stare with their mouths agape. Xanatos simply donned the helmet to his robotic armor.

“It’s a long story, gentlemen,” the child of Oberon said. “I’ll fill you in on the way home. For now, we’ve got some magic to do!” He raised his hands as lighting crackled from his fingertips and began to chant.

“Before me stand two heroes and their foes most grave,
“For a common cause, they have joined on a quest so brave,
“Let them speed their way across the gap of airless space,
“And gain a measure of trust, as they arrive in each other’s place!”

In a blinding flash, Sherlock, Goliath, Xanatos and Moriarty disappeared from the cabin of the space-jet. In the same instant, they materialized in an empty cargo hold aboard the Citadel.

“What the…” Goliath said, stumbling to catch his balance. He flailed his tail and flapped his wings for support.

Xanatos wrenched off his helmet, staring at his reflection in the steel, his jaw slack. “How… how can this be?”

Sherlock and Moriarty glared at each other.

“I’m you,” Sherlock said with Moriarty’s voice.

“And I appear to be you,” Moriarty said from Sherlock’s body. “How bloody awful.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Oh boy. I’m still trying to get a handle on my characters’ voices as it is. Well, I’ll think of something.

For Whom the Belle Trolls

Part One

Spike took in the red and blue lit club as he swirled the drink around in his glass, he then sniffed at it suspiciously as Prince’s ‘Darling Nicky’ pounded in his ears, “This place is lit awfully bright for a Gentleman’s Club," he wrinkled his nose at the aroma of the liquid, "what is this supposed to be again?” “Elasa,” Vicious nonchalantly responded, watching a dance stage disintegrate beneath a mountain troll’s massive weight. “It smells like cough syrup,” the bounty hunter took a sip and shook his head, “blech, it tastes like it too.”

Patrons scream and scatter as the troll tumbles from the collapsing stage; one poor soul did not make it and is crushed like a grape beneath its massive bulk. Ryoko pulls her eyes away from the scenes of destruction and looks at Spike, “People don’t come here for the drinks.” Vicious watches the troll slowly get up from the dented floor, it then stooped over and begin eating the remains of the customer it had crushed, “I rather doubt they come here for the dancers either.” The sight of the troll eating a patron was the last straw for the few remaining customers and they leave.

After taking a swig from her Batarian ale she smiles, “True, they are mostly decoration,” she pulls a bowl of nuts to her, “the real dancers that is,” she picks up a cashew and eyes it, “the real reason people comer here is to do business without government interference and to gather and exchange information.” Ayeka recoils as she watches the troll idly scratch itself along its nether region while gnawing on a leg, “oh dear, that is not a feather boa,” she quickly looks for a trash can to throw up in. The bartender deftly uses his foot to push a waste basket towards the princess, “Taint roight,” he growls out, “dancers shouldn’t have floppy bits,” his accent making him sound like the Shropshire Slasher from that Daffy Duck cartoon.

Ignoring the retching sounds to his left Vicious turns to Ryoko, “So you are familiar with this place then?” The bartender sets a carrot on the bar for Ryo-oki who gives out a grateful, “Meeeoow,” Ryoko winks at him causing him to blush as he goes back to polishing his glasses, “Sure, Hell I used to come here even back when it was called ‘The Archos’, how do you think I knew which ships to raid?” Ayeka leaned weakly on the bar and dabbed daintily at her mouth with a napkin, the bartender helpfully pushed a Pepto Bismol bottle towards her, she started to reach for it when Ryoko grinned wickedly. The pirate cheerfully shouted while pointing at one of the trolls, “Hey look, that ones got a peircing through his unit!” Ayeka began heaving again; the bartender sighed and shot Ryoko a reproachful look, “If you’ll excuse me I need to get a fresh trash can,” after a loud ‘bluuuraaachhh’ from Ayeka he added, “and perhaps an air freshener.”

As the familiar chords of Audra and the Watercoolers ‘Lean forward, sit back’ filled the air Spike offered the cabbit a celery stick from his hot wings, “So if I understand what you said earlier you believe this incident was planned by a rival,” the cabbit sniffed the celery and then nibbled greedily on it. Ryoko nodded, “Indeed, Maawda told me the dancers did not show up for their shifts this morning, which causes me to believe they were either kidnapped or scared away. And then these shuffling horrors showed up instead to take their places, too organized for trolls.” Vicious swiveled on his stool to address her, “I would have to agree, trolls are stupid and incapable of plotting something like this. Plus their cover story makes no sense, how can they possibly think they can make money here? No one is going to tip them anything other than out of fear, and they sure as Hell are not going to get any requests for a V.I.P. session no matter who shows up here.” Spike offered another celery stick to the creature and it happily accepted, “So who are the possible suspects?”

As she pondered her answer the bartender replaced the used wastebasket with an empty one, “The main rival to this club is the ‘Dark Star Lounge’ over in the zkara ward,” the Volus bartender carried away the used can, it made sloshing sounds as he left, “they have been known to pull mischievous tricks on one another over the years but never anything like this,” she gestured toward all the destruction around them with her bottle.” The DJ announces the arrival of another troll, “And now taking the center stage we have the ravasihing Chode-imus Maximus!” Canned applaus filled the air since all of the other customers had already fled, many probably running to the store to buy Brain Bleach[1].

Spike held another celery stick toward the eager cabbit, “Anyone else you can think of?” Ryoko watched Ayeka rinse her mouth out with bottled Evian water and spit into the wastebasket, “There is the O’Hara Gang, they have been muscling in around this area trying to extort protection money from the local businesses, and Maawda told them to go pound sand a few days ago.” After chugging the Peto Bismol Ayeka asked, “Can we please go?” Vicious turned toward her his bird flapping it’s wings to stay on its familiar perch, “Certainly my lady,” his forced smile cold, “why don’t you and Ryoko go investigate the Dark Star Lounge.” Ayeka looked suspicious, “Do they have dermatologically challenged trolls with BO, ticks and toe jam dancing with… floppy bits?” Vicious calmly answered, “No.” Ayeka beamed, “Let’s go!” And she began walking toward the front exit of the club not even bothering to ask where the place was.

Ryoko finished her ale and picked up Ryo-oki who fidgeted wanting another celery stick, she asked Spike, “So where are you two going to be?”

“I imagine we will be paying the O’Hara Gang a visit,” he gave Ryo-oki his last celery stick, its eyes sparkled gleefully, “where can we find them?” “They like to hang out at the Moloko Milk Bar; it is down on level 25,” she turned to Vicious, “meet back here in a couple hours?” He nodded and retrieved his katana from the bar as he rose.

Spike got up and adjusted his suit, “What about the trolls?” Vicious shrugged, “We could kill them but the battle would cause even greater damage to the premises, I bet we can get extra points for figuring out a way to have them removed peacefully.” One corner of Spike’s mouth curled up, “I like that.”

“R-y-o-k-o are you coming or not?!” Ayeka shouted from the front door, her voice full of regal frustration. “Jeez princess, keep yer panties on I’m comin,” she headed toward the exit, “I guess this place has really taken it’s troll on you.” Ayeka gave a prissy ‘hurmph’ and slammed the door behind her.

“Meee—Oooww.” She petted Ryo-oki’s head, “Yeah, you said it.” By the time she reached the door the DJ was playing ‘I’m too sexy’ by Right Said Fred, she snorted and shook her head in amusement as she closed the door behind her.

[1] Johnson and Johnson all rights reserved.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Troll

The transport dropped the team at the Citadel along with their personal belongings and some items they had ordered in preparation for the mission. Assessing their belongings the group huddled together to discuss their plan. @SolaiGWC had powdered his hair to get that charming gray that the women find so appealing in his nemesis. “I will sing”, he ventured. Somewhere a cricket chirped. @GWCevilAudra trying on “nice” for the first time ever, said, “You’re right, that might kill the trolls, or at least make them want to kill themselves.” She was eye-balling @SolaiGWC in his Burt Bacharach persona as if for the first time.

@GWCAudra took charge of the situation and quickly dispensed with most of the weapons that the others had brought. “No one has to die today!” she stated. Then remembering that they were supposed to be role-playing added “unless I feel like it.” She adjusted her completely cosmetic eye-patch and stomped heavily, dangerously close to the comfort zone of a nearby cricket. “I will build a stage using this completely uncertified wood I purchased… from CANADA” hiding the label with her hand. This elicited a gasp even from @GWCevilAudra who was secretly impressed. “I even paid in US$” she boasted triumphantly. Burt with his freshly coloured @SolaiGWC hair observed, “You brought wood?”

“That’s what she said” chimed both @GWCAudra and @GWCevilAudra in unison.

Listen, the trolls want money, the patrons want their show, and we want to finish this therapy so that we never have to see each other again. So @SolaiGWC and Burt go use your combined wit and charm on the troll leaders. Evil and I will build a stage strong enough to hold a troll cover band. Tell them they will make way more on door charges than tips, teach them to sing, and think up a good cover band name. Oh, and take a Krogan with you, you’re not that charming, or witty.”

The plan was a huge success. The trolls jumped at the idea, thinking of all the groupies and the untapped lucrative lean forward/sit back market for female mountain trolls.

The team gathered their belongings and headed back to debrief on the transport ride home.

THE END

On the ship to the Citadel, our team has gathered for another mission hoping to better themselves. It’s a long trip with plenty of time for planning.

FAITH: So, aliens are real. And they are a whole bunch of them out there. Didn’t see that coming.

HELEN: Considering the volume of abnormals we see, it’s not totally surprising. But still…this many?

ANGELUS: Dammit guys, stop being surprised and let’s figure out a way to get through this as quickly as possible. I cannot BELIEVE I have to pretend to be a pseudo-evil trollop for the night.

FAITH: Hey, I have to be some dude who likes to PRETEND he’s the ultimate evil but can’t shut up long enough to actually kill anyone. No one is going to be happy tonight.

HELEN: So, I need to be an occasionally evil man who can’t stop making mopey eyes at me. Shouldn’t be too hard.

DRUITT: (in falsetto) Oh, we can’t hurt the trolls, we can’t. We must rescue even the most useless of monsters because my daddy didn’t love me enough to give me a better mission in life. Sounds about right to me.

The foursome sat in silence for a while, shooting daggers at their teammates.

FAITH: OK, so I have to be Angelus…what would he do to a bunch of fame-hungry trolls?

HELEN: Disembowel?

DRUITT: Ritual slaughter? Blood rites?

ANGELUS: Kill the humans and forget this stupid challenge?

FAITH: I got it…let’s go to the show.

The gang arrived at Chora’s Den to see the trolls trying their best to earn tips by shaking their respective moneymakers. FAITH and HELEN, taking the reins from their evil partners, sit down in one booth in front of one troll.

FAITH: You call that a strip show? You can’t even spin around a poll, lardass.

HELEN: Yeah…get back to the gym and then try showing some skin, Tubby McTrollerson.

After a few more insults, the troll left the booth in tears. ANGELUS chuckled, but then remembered who he was supposed to be.

ANGELUS: So troll, you ever thought about a new line of work? I hear good things about the hired gun business. Maybe it’s better to play to your strengths…like strength. And muscle.

DRUITT: I’m sure there are plenty of places around the galaxy for a troll of your talents. Ever heard of the Sanctuary? It’s a great setup, nice retirement home, so to speak.

With a pat of the back, the traumatized troll headed back to the ship and her more forgiving shipmates with some promising leads in new fields of work.

From booth to booth, HELEN and FAITH heckled and harassed and verbally tortured the poor luckless trolls (with DRUITT and ANGELUS standing by in case the trolls decided to fight back) until every last troll had left the bar and the regular dancers (and patrons!) returned to their stations.

HELEN: Wow, it was kind of fun being mean. I should try that more often.

DRUITT: You are a little too good at that. Even I felt sorry for them.

FAITH: I guess we all learned a little something about the other side. (smiles)

ANGELUS: You had to do it…you couldn’t have just left it at that. No no, you had to end this lesson with some trite…lesson or moral…gah, let’s get out of here, I need some blood.

Too Many Trolls on the Dance Floor
(too many trolls!)
Too many trolls on the dance floor
(spread out the trolls!)

Team (Home of the) Human Beings

Varys/Littlefinger (Game of Thrones)
Jemaine/Mel (Flight of the Conchords)

“Pardon?” Jemaine asked. “I don’t understand.” He turns around, and already decked out in a Jemaine costume, stickon sideburns and all, was Mel. He oddly found Mel’s usual advances more comforting now that she looks like him, which only worried him more. Mel smiles evilly at Jemaine, who stumbles on a chair while walking backwards away from Mel. She pounces on him almost immediately with her clothes in tow.

“Are the costumes really necessa – “
“I’m almost completely certain.” Mel shoots back quickly. Jemaine is a musician and not a fighter, so he relents, wishing Bret was here. He’s not used to long stretches of time without his band partner and friend.

Meanwhile, huddled in the corner of the room, Varys remains silent. Lord Sean is even worse than Cersei to serve sometimes, thinks Varys. What is this game he’s playing? Littlefinger, on the other hand, seemed only too amused at the thought of having to pretend he has no penis.

“Now, now, Varys, don’t give me that look. I am quite delightful to be for a few hours. And mayhaps you’d even have a bit of fun instructing some of these fine womenfolk how t -” Littlefinger gestures out to the dance floor, but then quickly stops himself as he swallows back his throwup. He suddenly wishes he was back at King’s Landing, surrounded by the most beautiful of whores in his beloved whorehouses. Though that pole dancing is a most excellent idea. I must set that up when I get back. He looks back to Varys, but was taken aback. Even standing still, Varys suddenly didn’t look like Varys, even though he’s wearing the same clothes as before. The air around him feels different. He’s standing different. He feels….like me, thinks Littlefinger. That is very interesting indeed.

Not wanting to be upped by Varys, Littlefinger takes charge. “All right, Littlefinger, I think the best way to – “
Lord Varys, might I suggest the next course of action? Send me to talk to the trolls. After all, I am Lord Baelish, the master of whores…and of coin. This current dispute coincidentally concerns both of these matters. I imagine even little old me can deal with this little problem, without, well, any problems.” quips Varys.
Littlefinger blinks a few times but doesn’t give his surprise or amusement away. “You are correct, Lord. That’s… exactly what I had in mind.” Just what is Varys up to…as me?
“Of course, I would appreciate something in return for my services.”
Ah, Varys, you conniving little spider. “What is it that you want?”
“A favor, to be returned when needed.”
“But I can’t be trusted.” Littlefinger points out.
“Nor I.” Varys replies calmly. Littlefinger ponders this strange request. What is he up to with this useless request?
“Then…as you wish. I will owe you one.” As soon as those words left his mouth, he regretted them. Varys doesn’t care that I won’t keep my promise, he only wishes to make a fool out of me by having me agree to such a silly notion. How very me, thinks Littlefinger. He had to admit, he was a bit impressed.
Varys smiles. “It IS fun to be you.” And with that, he skips over to the main table where the head troll was at to begin his negotiation.

Varys’ (or is it Littlefinger?) plan was simple. All the trolls want is coin to further their liberation. Clearly, from the way things are going, they’re not earning much, if any, by stripping. Convince the real strippers to offer their services up for free for a week in exchange not to be pummeled by trolls, the trolls can act as club promoters to get (or scare) more customers into paying for these fine services these women are providing, and a week later, they can take these earnings to further their cause. And it’s always good to find a few new whisperers without Littlefinger knowing about it, thought Varys. Easy as pie.

And it was. In an hour, business is as usual at Chora’s Den. The strippers, happy to remain alive, resumed their dancing, the customers – even more than usual, thanks to the effective scare tactics/promotions - resumed their leaning forward and back while paying large sums of money to do so without the distraction of seeing scantily clad mountain trolls inside the club, and the trolls are already discussing where they wish to go next (they never really enjoyed all that stripping anyway. It was humiliating given their cause), and promises to tweet their new friend Varys about their latest adventures.

Later…

Varys and Littlefinger sit back and enjoy the ambiance of Chora’s Den in celebration of the quick victory. It was nothing like anything either of them have seen in King’s Landing, that’s for sure.

“Where are all the trolls?” Mel asks in a gruff low voice. She’d finally finished putting on the final details on Jemaine’s costume, and she looks back to admire her work.
“We made an arrangement that was palatable to all the parties involved.” Varys answers. Jemaine awkwardly tugs at his stripey sweater and slowly walks towards the table.
“Why, Jemaine, I hate to say this, but you look nothing like Mel.” Littlefinger observes. Jemaine scratches at his stick on beard.
“Oh, I didn’t dress him up as me, you silly sausage.” Mel says and looks lustily at Jemaine. “It’s Bret!”
Oddly, Jemaine feels a bit happier now that Bret is finally around - even if it is really just me, he thinks. And I AM in a strip club with sexy sexy blue ladies. Dave would be so jealous.

The End. (Yes, still struggling with length. :D)

PART ONE

“It’s no treat for me, either,” Sherlock said, straightening his jacket. “Although you have a point… This is a very comfortable suit.”

“Leave it,” Moriarty warned. “I imagine this must be quite an adjustment for you,” he said to the gargoyle.

Xanatos flexed his muscles and draped his wings around his shoulders. “I suppose I could get used to it.”

Goliath was having a little more trouble adjusting to moving in Xanatos’s Steel Clan armor. “We should not have trusted the changeling Puck. He is a trickster, and his ‘gifts’ always come with a price.”

“He said he wanted us to gain a measure of trust,” Sherlock said. “It would certainly be unwise for us to harm each other, since we’d only be hurting ourselves.”

“Then I suggest we let bygones be bygones and proceed as a team,” Xanatos said. “We have a mission to complete.”

Sherlock and Moriarty nodded. Goliath sighed. “In that case, I suppose you should help me get this helmet back on.”

Once they had gotten their bearings, they found their way out of the cargo bay and into a main corridor.

“Judging by this schematic, the invaded area is in this direction,” Sherlock said, examining a display on the wall. “It’s several levels up, but it looks like these are some kind of turbo-lifts.” He gestured to two large doors a few steps down the hall.

No one wanted to risk being separated from their body by taking two lifts, so they decided cram into one lift. It didn’t leave much room considering the bulk of Goliath’s body and Xanatos’s armor, and the lift moved very slowly.

Moriarty hummed along with the tune playing over the loudspeakers. “Is that The Girl From Ipanema? I guess bad taste is universal.”

The lift doors opened, revealing a dimly lit room with strobing lights and loud music. A dark shape loomed over them. Suddenly, a massive wooden club swung into view, aimed directing at them. Sherlock and Moriarty scrambled to the back of the lift while Goliath and Xanatos braced themselves to take the brunt of the blow. They barely stayed on their feet as the club crashed into them. Sherlock darted forward and began to furiously press the “Door Close” button. The doors closed just in time to block another blow from the club, though the doors of the lift were dented in from the impact. The lift began to rise again.

“It appears we’ve located the invasion,” Sherlock said. He was looking Moriarty up and down.

“Don’t worry, your body is fine,” Moriarty said sarcastically. “Your concern is touching.”

“What was that thing?” Xanatos asked. “It was huge.”

“It resembled a creature I heard stories of at Castle Wyvern when I was just a hatchling,” Goliath said. “A mountain troll, it was called. They had passed into legend a thousand years ago, so I can’t imagine how they found their way here after all those eons.”

“That one appeared to be fully-grown,” Xanatos said. “And there were a lot more of them in there.”

“Obviously, a direct approach isn’t going to work in this case. We need to find another way in,” Sherlock said. “I’m also trying to understand their motive in being here. It seems they’ve only taken control of this one area of the station. Why is it significant to them?”

“Maybe we should ask them,” Moriarty suggested. “It looked to be some sort of nightclub.”

“I suggest that Xanatos be the one to go in and treat with them,” Goliath suggested. “I remember that trolls and gargoyles once lived together in peace. It may be that they still have memories of our kind.”

“That didn’t stop them from trying to smash us a minute ago,” Xanatos said.

“They may not have been expecting to see a gargoyle on a space station,” Goliath said. “In any event, they may not have long memories. They may need to be reminded of what gargoyles are. I propose you come down from above them. Use your - er - my wings to glide down on top of them. They may be startled enough to give you a second or two to start talking before they attack.”

“I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with that,” Xanatos said. “I don’t know if I’ve quite got a handle on the whole ‘flying’ thing.”

Goliath grunted. “I’m not comfortable with it, either. You’re in my body, remember?”

The lift stopped again and they stepped out into a deserted corridor. Sherlock consulted the station schematic on the wall. “If I’m reading this right, I think we’re directly above the club.” He pointed to a square marked “Chora’s Den.” “It looks like this hallway leads to some air ducts that we can use for access.”

As they moved down the hallway, they came upon a group of soldiers that had apparently been clubbed down by the trolls during the invasion. Some of them were still clutching weapons. Moriarty picked up an assault rifle and inspected it.

“This ought to come in handy,” he said.

“I don’t think so,” Sherlock said. “Put the gun down.”

“What am I going to do? Shoot myself?” Moriarty laughed. He picked up a very large gun and handed it to Sherlock. “Here, I’ll even give you the bigger gun.”

Sherlock examined the weapon. It was extremely heavy and bore an ominous-looking radiation warning seal. “M-920 Cain,” he read off an inscription on the weapon’s stock.

“Don’t pull the trigger unless you really mean it,” Moriarty warned. “Looks dangerous.”

Meanwhile, Goliath and Xanatos had located an access hatch in the floor of the corridor. It opened a vertical tube with a ladder leading down to another hatch.

“That should be Chora’s down there,” Sherlock said, awkwardly carrying the heavy weapon.

“Here goes nothing,” Xanatos said, squeezing Goliath’s huge frame into the narrow hatch and sliding down to the bottom. Cautiously, he opened the lower hatch and stuck his head out.

The room was large and circular. A large, round bar was in the center, and Xanatos could see that the trolls had been helping themselves to the libations stocked there. In one corner of the room, he saw a group of women gathered up in one corner, under guard. Xanatos ducked back into the tube and closed the hatch silently.

“It looks like they have hostages,” he told the others. “The trolls also appear to be quite drunk at this point. Beyond their brute strength, I doubt that they could put up much of a fight.”

“We need to find a way to get those hostages out, “ Goliath said. “Then we can take them by force.”

“Or we can just blast them to bits from here,” Moriarty said, pointing at the gun that Sherlock carried.

“I’ll go in,” Xanatos said. “I’ll try to convince them to let the hostages go in exchange for transport off the station.”

“Very well,” Goliath said. “Be careful.”

Xanatos climbed back down the tube. He opened the hatch and slid out. He spread his wings and dropped into the air. He nearly crashed into a wall, but managed to right himself. Grabbing a vertical pole for support, he swung around and landed on a platform above the bar. Xanatos struck a dramatic pose, as he had seen Goliath do many times.

The trolls burst into applause.

“Hey sexy thing!” one bellowed in a slurred voice.

“I like your skirt!” another shouted, pointing at Xanatos’s loincloth.

Eungh!” another troll grunted appreciatively.

Xanatos looked around the room in confusion. There were many poles and platforms arranged along the walls. A few trolls had been dancing on the platforms, but they had all stopped to gape at the new arrival. He glanced over at the hostages. All of them were scantily-clad, attractive females. The trolls, however, appeared to be all male. They were not interested in the females, but they seemed to like Goliath’s physique, based on their reaction. Only the troll standing by the lift doors, who seemed to be the bouncer, was armed with a club. The rest of them were hooting and hollering and pounding on the tables. The trolls began to chant in unison.

“Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!”

TO BE CONTINUED

The terrific tales of the house of sin.

Crowley sat in the chair petting a bunny, “Agent Garfunkel” he said “pleasure to see you.” The agent sat down quickly, putting the recorder on the table. He nodded towards Crowley opening one of the notebook.

“For the record this is agent Garfunkel conducting a debriefing, under the direct orders of my superior.”

“and here i thought we were friends” Crowley said, “its good to be friends with the king hell you know.”

“I’m sure especially for the first nine years eleven months and 28 days.”

Crowley laughed “fair enough, so where should we start?”

“How about after you arrived at the club.”

“Well I wasn’t impressed with the situation” Crowley started “and I wasn’t the only one”

“Really if this future of Strip clubs” Dean said looking around the few girls huddled in the corner. “Well the future sucks.” One of the trolls punched a crogan and smashed its head into a table. The other two laughed uproariously; Anya shifted uncomfortably a hoody covering as much of the face as she could. “Serious I was talking to the guy at the bar, there’s no boobies here a strip club without boobies”

“You know I don’t think this is strip club…” Anya said

“well I tell you what it is a damn disappointment. No princess Laya bikini or cool zero G pasties.”

“Hate to admit it” Crowley said “ sin being my business and business is not good.” Dean took a shot of something that looked like orange crush mixed with blood

“And what the hell are they people talking about, lean forward and sit back, this is just weak.”

“Could we please just get to work? Anya said glaring at Dean

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“nothing” she insisted said doing her best to blend in with the wall.

“I mean I came for boobies,” Dean said disappointed

“calm down” Anya said still hiding. “No I’m serious, raise you hand if you saw blue boobies tonight.” No one raised their hands. Dean took another shot.

“Lets just take care of trolls and than we can leave.” Anya offered

“The trolls are the only interesting part about this bar, love.” Crowley said. A solarian went flying into the wall beside him, to more laughter.

“but I see your point” Dean said,

“Bar maid get me Some more ale, and some babies to eat.”

“Ohh penis” Anya said doing her best to hide in the corner.

“This an ode to my long lost love Aud. The fickle murderous lady of the Baltic sea.”

They called her Aud
She wants to be rich
She has the power of a witch
She’s still a b…

“Just how long will you hold a grudge” Anya snapped getting up from the table pushing her way through the other two trolls.

“Anyanka” he said in shock, “Me holding a grudge” he laughed he picked up the hammer from the table.

“You turned man named Olaf into a monster.”

“Not before you drove a woman named Aud into becoming one.” Both stared at each other,

Dean walking up slowly “okay so you two got baggage”

“Not for long.” Olaf said his eyes narrowing. The other two of the trolls walked around the bar behind. Dean. Crowley still sitting down, finishing off his drink.

“Gentlemen” Crowley said “may I have word? We were sent to get you out of this what they so adorably called a den of iniquity. But I have bigger issues mostly this is maudlin, and i hate maudlin. It gives me these feeling, homicidal feelings. So here’s the deal and it won’t even cost you your soul you all get to die bloody.”

Dean heard the growls coming from behind Crowley “Oh hell” dean said, Crowley smiling “meet my pet,” the first troll was knocked over by the invisible attack. Olaf sprung to his feet the hammer a split second after swing at Anya who ducked under the blow, the hammer smashing into and through the wall Dean shooting at Olaf, whose only response was a smile; not hurt.

The third troll was about to hit Dean when a bunny hopped on its head the troll stunned for a moment pulled the bunny off looking at it. The invisible hell hound knocked it over the bunny hopping away to safety. “Yeah I’m holding the grudge Anyanka. I might have been having fun there for moment. Good thing you stopped by” He said towering over her.

“Your name should be little hammer.” She spat back, Olaf heard the invisible hounds growl closer. With a quick swing the hound went flying into the bar. Crowley who had been smiling sitting on the bar drinking scotch the smile vanished.

“Oh hell no” he said, the anger rising. “Well that seals it” he said. Dean tried to get up but Olaf punched him in the chest Dean flying the same place collapsing over the invisible hell hounds body.

“God woman whatever happened to the sweet little girl. That used to put flowers in her hair.”

“What happened to make man who said he would love me and no one else forever?” Olaf lowered the hammer. “He’s still here is she?”

“Oh balls” Crowley said, Crowley whistled loudly the sound of the hound pushed Dean off of it as it stood up… Crowley petting the invisible hound. He heard a happy panting from the hound who wimpered softly.

Dean got up from the ground, shaking his head so he would see strait, “i have an idea. i can fix this” he said.

Three empty bottles of tequila cluttered the table Olaf and Anya were talking quietly.

Dean and one of the Asari, “I’m just saying you haven’t lived till you’ve done it in an impala."

“What’s an impala”,

“thought you would never ask.”

Crowley was causally throwing a ball across the room. The ball returning moments later. The sound of panting and happy barking. “good boy” Crowley said petting the hound.

“So that’s what happened?”the agent said “well thank you sir…” He started to pack up his notes.

“wait” Crowley said the agent looking back to him, “Thats only the beginning,”

“meaning?,” he asked “i mean do you really think that getting rid of the trolls was what’s important here.”

“He sent you to, get rid of the troll problem you did just that.”

“Look you’re dumb but you’re not dumb Right,” the agent looked to him neutrally at him waiting for him patiently. Crowley took a breath, “Any fool can burn down a house, but that’s not important what’s important in this world is what you build

Cue music “get what you give” by the new radicals

Dean to a group of strippers “first off no more jump suites”
“but the Asari started to protest,”

“just no… try these”

“ but that won’t cover…”
“i know sweetheart i know he said.”

Olaf and Anya eating a dish very similar to rabbit. Smiling at each other. “You really lived under bridge” she asked

“no” he answered “but it was fun to scare the horses.”

Dean follows one of the strippers wearing a metal bikini giggling as they made there to the back room.

Anya talking to the bartender “three drink rule after, three you have them for the night. And the VIP rooms now that is where you cash in.”

Crowley snapping his finger and two demon strippers appearing, “rule one always bet on mans more sullied natures. selling sin is what we do here. And these to lovely ladies will show you how to do just that.”

Dean and Olaf high fiving after they setting up a floating stripper pole.

All three leaned against the bar The place full of patrons, as Olaf forced a drunken Sheppard out of the bar, “what do you mean there’s no leaning forward”.

Crowley smiling “philistines, can’t please everyone. Still this is gonna be good for business” Crowley said.

“We have already started to make 10% of the top and we negotiating a franchise.” Anya said.

“yeah the money too” Crowley said. as a bunny hopped along the bar as if looking for someone.

“Hey guys Dean said raise your hand it you saw blue boobies today.” All of them raised there hand. “Good day” dean said “good day.” As they all toasted.

Crowley got up, from the table. “What?” he asked the agents cold patient stare caught his attention,

“that’s it?” he asked,

“everything” Crowley said “i swear on my mother’s grave.” The agent stared. “Okay so maybe not everything but it doesn’t make a difference.” The agent, stared his cold patient stare, “anyone ever tell you how that’s really unverving.” Crowley said. “well not really,” the same stare the agent cleared his throat

“Two weeks ago a certain troll disappeared from work,” “yeah” Crowley said with a smile “I don’t know all the details from what i heard, his more base instincts, took over.

He disappeared with one of the girls from the bar. “

“the agent nodded turning off the recorder. Closing the notebook, Crowley’s eyes were as cold and dangerous as the agent had ever seen his voice unchanged “he tried to kill my dog.”

The door closed behind. Crowley

The agent took a moment before getting up collecting his things turning off the light as he left the room.

Trolling for Grief

Why Count Dooku did you make me do this stupid group therapy? I know that I have had some losses against the Republic, but why this. The crazy therapy coach is a true psychopath, thinking that we can actually work together. And of all the Jedi in the universe, why did “He” have to be in this group. And now once again I have to work with him and these other two morons and do the work of a common service droid.

Why should I care that a few Mountain trolls decided to make a living by trying to be exotic dancers, maybe they are good. So we are off to a place called Chora’s Den to ask these trolls to leave the establishment. Mr. Negotiator and talks too much and talks stupidly too much and myself have arrived at this bar. All I want to do is kill everything in here and go back to destroying the Republic.

Inside the establishment is quite a sight to behold. Female trolls in tank tops and thongs do not look pretty. The center dancing area is bulging from the weight of those trolls. I look around the bar and I just want to kill something. Please lets just get this over with.

So as usual, Kenobi and the droid case the bar looking to talk the trolls out of here. The Gungan walks around causing trouble where ever he steps. Why can’t I just kill these trolls and be out of this group therapy crap.

Well it appears that the droid was able to talk to one the more intelligent trolls and Kenobi waved this little hand and found out that the regular dancers were placed under the bar to keep them out of the way. The trolls have no desire to leave the establishment so I have been asked to escort them out of the bar.

The Gungan has once again gotten into trouble this time by talking to a troll dancer. She starts grouting to one of the troll bouncers to get the Gungan away from here. As I approach the situation, the bouncer grouts at me. I have had enough of this crap, I think it is time to take out the trash. Kenobi and the droid take off to find the dancers under the stage, so I can finally do my thing.

As I light my blades, the trolls start getting aggressive towards me. I tell the Gungan to hide, because that is what he does best. I sweep through the bar like a kid getting to kill a Huk for the first time. Oh what a feeling to kill these disgusting creatures, they are no match for my blades. As I decapitate the last of the troll dancers, I hear the applause of the club patrons. Looking around, these animals are not applauding to me, no Mr Negotiator and Golden Boy have rescued the dancers. The dancers sprint to their position jumping over the dead trolls. The patrons resume their leaning forward and backwards to the Asari dancers.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this universe where these dancers are considered entertainment. At least the trolls did strip off their clothes, not pretty mind you. I am sure that the therapy coach will blame me for something and keep me in this group longer. Maybe I will get a chance to actually kill the other three and the therapy coach so that I can go back to destroying the Republic.

Oh to better days.

For Whom the Belle Trolls

Part Two

As Spike and Vicious exited the dumpy little bar called ‘The Kubrick Lounge’ the melodic strains of Beethoven’s Symphony No 9 followed them outside, a semi circle of eight men awaited them on the street. They were all dressed in white clothing with white codpieces supported by white suspenders; this was contrasted by black bowlers and black combat boots. They each held their hands behind their backs in a sloppy form of parade rest, the shadows behind them betrayed the fact that they were in fact hiding crude weapons. The leader of the gang stood proudly in front of them his hands resting on a cane, his right eye enhanced with fake eye lashes and a cape of dicks billowed from his shoulders writhing about in the gentle breeze.

Spike asked Vicious, “Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Vicious smirked,” That Ayeka would reeeally hate that cape?” Spike looked at him with a puzzled expression, but before he could say anything the gang’s leader spoke.

“Greetings chellovecks, me and my droogies were off to lovet us a cheena for a bit of the olde ultraviolence when siovo came down that two blokes were combing the barrio asking about us.” He was a young and handsome man and though he wore a practiced smile his eyes betrayed a cold and calculated menace, his crisp and clipped British accent had a musical lilt to it, and while pleasant to the ear it seemed very out of place on this alien world. “You do not smell of millicent so if it is business you seek with the O’Hara Gang; then we welcome you as bratties dear, but if it is to drat…” His eyes narrowed and his smile turned cruel, “Then we will gladly remove your yarbles from your gloopy plots.”

Spike raised a tired eyebrow, “What the fuck did he just say?”

Vicious ignored him and cleared his throat, “Don’t mind him, we are interested in information.” The leaders smile turned a little less menacing, “Interesting, this is good to slooshy, but as with all things it must come at a price, have you pretty polly or are you wishing to offer sinsalves[1] or services?” Vicious and the leader got down to hushed negotiation which left the others and Spike to exchange glares. After a few agonizing minutes Spikes last cigarette gave up the ghost, he growled and threw it down in disgust, “Enough of this crap,” all eyes turned on him.

Spike ground out the cigarette with his foot and then looked up with feirce eyes, “I am tired, hungry, my feet hurt from all the hours of walking we have done; and we are late for our appointment with the girls.” He looked at Vicious, “I say we lay out these losers and then beat him,” pointing to the leader, “until we get what we need from him.” His jaw tightened as he added, “Preferably in a language we can both understand.” Vicious sighed and then spoke in a weary tone as he drew his katana, “Very well…”

“You bezoomny shoots, if any krovvy is to be spilt this night it shall be yours,” the leader backed away and took up a fighting stance, “come my droogs we have us a horrorshow to filly true.” The gang closed in chanting, “Bitva, bitva, bitva.”

[1] Sexual enhancement drugs.

Glossary-
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/clockworkorange/terms.html

“After our last fiasco, higher-ups see fit to put me in charge,” barked Wolverine. “There’s only one reason I agreed to babysit you, and it’s because our mission happens to land us in a strip club. They’ve made special note of the way blue hands handled our last encounter so before I say anythin’ else, hand over the brain bustin’ device you got.” Wolverine held out his hand as the well dressed man produced the device from a pocket and handed it over.

“We’re gonna play this one dead simple. We walk in the front door like customers, assess the situation, and start lurin’ the trolls one by one to a private booth or outside where we can take care of them. There’s also this small problem of role reversal. We’re tryin’ to work together on this one, and they think that pretendin’ to be our opposites will help us along in this.” Wolverine sounded most displeased while saying this.

“While you guys do the dirty work I’ll be at the bar having a drink. How’s that for role reversal bub?” Sabertooths delivery was impeccable.

“I’d prefer to keep my shoes on.” The blue handed g-man was showing clear distaste for the situation.

“I don’t have any paint.” River looked at her hands confused."

“Less crazy talk and more mysterious gentleman from you, River,” Wolverine said. “We don’t have to dress the part, just play the part.”

With little fuss the small transport shuttle docked to the Citidel where our heroes disembarked for what is hopefully their second successful mission; though the plan this time calls for a little more teamwork, and slightly less genocide. The team disembarks and makes their way to the Presidium level using the nearest elevator.

“I can already smell the trolls from here,” Sabertooth narrowed his eyes, sniffing about to see where to proceed next. A nearby hologram projector sparked to life, and Avina, the station’s virtual intelligence greeted its newest guests.

“Have you seen this girl?” River held up a picture of herself to the Avina projection but before she could get a response, Wolverine quickly switched the picture for one of a mountain troll.

“Mountain trolls can be found in Chora’s Den, in the lower section of the Wards, near the market. It is not recommended travellers go to Chora’s Den at this time because of the trolls’ violent temper, and illegal use of the facilities. Commander Shepard has already been dispatched to rectify this situation,” The vitual intelligence was suprisingly human in it’s speech and mannerisms, “take the elevator to the Wards and follow the signs past the market. Thank you for visiting The Citidel.”

River pulled a pen from her pocket an held it up horizontally, looking straight into the “eyes” of Avina. Wolverine and Sabertooth quickly pushed her along towards the elevator with a “not now,” in a harsh whisper. Along the way to the elevator they gathered up the blue handed man, who had begun to lay on the floor with a blank stare, as if listening to the ground. They packed into the elvator hoping to avoid further suspicion.

“Maybe we should ask the hologram why the elevators are so slow bub.” Sabertooth’s comment did little to start any conversation on the ride down. Wolverine bit his lip. He wanted to say how he was more complex than simply adding “bub” to the end of every sentence, but he figured the less he said, the sooner this would all be over.

With little incident the team proceeded through the entrance of Chora’s Den. Sabertooth and Wolverine circled the bar in seperate directions to size up the situation before reconviening at the front of the bar, while the blue handed gentleman seemed to wander aimlessly. He eventually found a chair to sit back in, and looking the most comfortable he had ever looked, removed his shoes. River proceeded directly to the bar to sit down. In a very business like tone, she ordered three drinks, since Blue Hands seemed content to absorb into the chair and stare into the distance.

There were two trolls working the bar and six scattered about the stages dancing. Three more were moving about the floor, serving drinks or doing personal dances. Eleven in total didn’t seem like the large contingent they were expecting. From the lack of non troll staff the team figured there were probably more in the back room, guarding any hostages.

“My collegues would enjoy some time with a couple of your dancers, in a more private setting.” The bartender, unfazed at this request coming from a seventeen year old girl, signaled two of the trolls who escorted Wolverine and Sabertooth to the back room. They should have little trouble dealing with any hostage situation, and the music blaring in the main room would cover up any noise.

“Perhaps you can get someone to remove that troublesome customer from the premises,” River pointed towards Blue Hands who had now walked over to another customer receiving a lapdance and was staring intently, causing the customer visible discomfort. This is saying something considering he was receiving a lapdance from a mountain troll. With another gesture from the bartender a third troll grabbed the mysterious blue handed man and dragged him out the front door. As River turned back to her drink an eruption of machine gun fire came from outside the bar, and shortly after the door flew open to reveal an stern looking man clad in armour emblazoned with the N7 insignia. Two women followed him in. He stood tall and the numerous scars on his face seemed to glow red.

Without hesitation the bartender threw the bottle in his hand and began to leap over the bar. “Miranda!” The armoured guest yelled as the bottle flew towards one of his group. It was with this word that River grabbed the arm of the bartender as he leaped up, swung around to his back and smashed her glass into his skull; dropping him dead. She began to dance and swing about the various tables and brass poles in ways that no young girl should know how, her flurry of kicks and punches reigning down upon the trolls before they could even react. In short order the remaining trolls lay dead upon the ground and River, just as suddenly as she began, stopped. With a quick toss of her hair, she grabbed the briefcase her g-man colleague had left behind and walked out the front door, winking as she passed Commander Shepard.

Minutes later, as Shepard still surveyed the scene, the Ansari hostages emerged from the back room, lead by a confused and blood soaked duo. Looking at eachother, and then to the N7 team, Wolverine and Sabertooth hastily proceeded out the front door where River had already collected their forth member from a bench he was “listening” to.

“Me an’ Sabertooth took care of the trolls out back without incident. Looks like those N7 guys took care of the rest for you. Mission accomplished, ‘far as I’m concerned so we can all stop pretendin’. I’m gonna head back in for some more fun, but before I forget,” Wolverine handed the small blue device back to his blue handed teammate, “you should have this back. You’re pretty useless without it.”

in : “Rick-Trolled!”

The vacuum of space sat idly behind the Illusive Man. Ice clinked in his short glass as he took a slow draw off the Dr. Pepper. “That is your mission gentlemen…clear out Chora’s Den of mountain trolls while taking on the role of your nemesis. This will both be instructive for you and useful for me as I have a deep hankering for leaning.”

“I told you joining the Talat Corporation was a bad idea” Austin said scoldingly to Dr. Evil. “That doesn’t frickin’ sound like me! You have to do it as me!” Dr. Evil responded, proud of himself. “Yeah, do it like him!” Cartman added uselessly. “That doesn’t sound like me Fatboy!” Kyle countered. “MImiMImiMImiMImiMI, that is what you sound like you stupid Jew!” Cartman said to his face. “Oh, right.” Austin started doing a little dance while mockingly holding his forefinger to his mouth. "Look at me! I am a big slaphead who fancies hairless cats! “how do I get out of bed every morning with such a small willy”. “Yeah. Baby.” Dr. Evil paused, thinking about what came next. “Yeah.”

“ENOUGH” the Illusive Man slamming his drink down. “DO YOUR JOBS!”

The thing you need to understand about mountain trolls can be boiled down to three things: they are exceedingly large, they are exceedingly stupid and they are terrified of wands being stuck in their noses. As their name indicates their preferred habitat is that of high altitudes and rugged terrain, what is less known is why they hold a certain penchant overtaking strip clubs and shaking their giant grey booties.

“Crickey” Dr. Evil shouted over the din of thumping music. “Oy ‘ope ‘oye ge’ teh shag a troll! I fancy shaggin’ trolls!”
In a flash Austin spun Dr. Evil around and pinned him to the wall, “Look: Here is the 4-11. I’m here to kick ass and chew hot pockets, and I’m all out of hot pockets. So why don’t you cut me some FREAKIN’ SLACK here man!” Kyle and Cartman stood in shocked silence. Dr. Evil looked at Austin and searched his eyes. Slowly a smile crept across his face as he exclaimed, “Wow. You nailed me! That was totally me! For a minute I thought I was looking in a mirror!” “Do you think so? Really? Do you think I nailed it?” Austin inquired. Dr. Evil paused and clearly concentrating responded, “I hope not. Baby. You didn’t even buy me dinner first.”

“I am going to use my crafty Jew mind to figure out how to get rid of these trolls.” Cartman said. “Hey Cartman, you are so handsome. And smart. I wish I could be you.” Kyle gritted his teeth. Cartman continued, “You know everything! How did Harry Potter defeat the troll in those awesome books?” “I don’t know Kyle” Kyle responded. “I don’t read books because I am too busy eating Cheesy Poofs and being a fatass.” Cartman turned a shade of pink and tightened his fists, “Cartman, you are not fat, you are big boned.” “No, I’m not big boned, I am big assed.” Kyle said puffing out his cheeks. “Lads” Dr. Evil said putting his hands on their shoulders. “Grow up. Seriously. We have to work together here. Dr. Evil and I will go look for the dancers and make sure their safe. You deal with the trolls.” And with that Dr. Evil and Austin skedaddled out of there.

“Wait, whut?” Cartman blinked. “They left two kids to deal with twenty mountain trolls?”
Kyle turned purple with rage “I. AM. SO. PISSED. OFF. RIGHT. NOW!”

Austin and Dr. Evil walked down a hallway and to a backroom door. Austin leaned forward and read the nameplate, “Fist? The guy who runs a strip club is named ‘Fist’? Subtlety, party of one, your table is ready.” “Good one!” Dr. Evil slapped him on the shoulder. “I mean” he cleared his throat, “Oy! Good one governor!” Austin glared in response while opening the door revealing a room filled with thirty exotic Asari dancers being guarded by one inept mountain troll guard. “Ok, what is the plan?” Dr. Evil launched in, “Ok, everyone knows that Mountain Trolls love bungee jumping. I say we round up all the sofa cushions, tear them apart one by one, weave them together into an intricate bungee cord and use that as bait to lure him away.” “Yeah, we could do that” Austin nodded, “or we could this!” and in one fluid motion while yelling, “judo-CHOP!” he leapt through the air and punched the mountain troll right in his crotch. Dr. Evil flinched, “Right in the mommy-daddy button!” The mountain troll winced, went cross-eyed and fell over.

“Ok! I got it!” Cartman leapt to his feet and pointed at the trolls, “EXPELIRAMUS!” It was not surprising when nothing happened. The trolls continued to dance mindlessly to the thumping music occasionally checking to see if anyone had given them a dollar. “Dude, this is hopeless.” Kyle sat down at the bar and ordered a milk. He traced his finger over a scratched, “Harkin was here” in the bar when he noticed something glowing next to him simply labeled ‘DLC Genesis’. Curious he reached out and the moment he touched it a voice booming inside his head “CHOOSE YOUR CLASS” Cartman doubled over. “What the hell did you do Kyle? Why am I hearing a voice in my head?” “I don’t know dude” Kyle responded. The voice repeated in their heads “CHOOSE YOUR CLASS” and a list appeared in front of them. Cartman wretched in pain, “I don’t know, what would you pick?” Cartman thought for a moment, “I would choose guns so you would pick the opposite…” Cartman breathed deep “This is going to suck. Adept please.” flash Cartman’s clothes were replaced with dark grey armor and he started to faintly exude a purple glow. Kyle nodded and knew what he had to choose as Cartman and carefully said, “Solider please” and in a flash his clothes were replaced with armor and in his hand appeared an assault rifle.

“This blows!” Cartman whined." “No dude” Kyle smirked cocking his rifle, “this is going to work”

Austin and Dr. Evil re-entered the bar slightly disheveled and covered in lipstick. The first thing they noticed was the total absence of dancing mountain trolls. “Erm, Dr. Evil, where did they go? Where are the boys?” Austin said adjusting his askew glasses. “Crickey!” Dr. Evil blurted out, “Look!”

On the other side of the bar they saw a sight they couldn’t believe. Twenty mountain trolls floated noiselessly as if in zero gravity. Cartman yelled out, “EXPELIRAMUS!” and a small circular blue field appeared drawing all the trolls together in a tight clump. “Now is payback bitches!” Kyle said cocking his rifle and taking aim. “No, Kyle, wait!” Cartman stepped in front of the rifle, “Dude, you would never let me shoot those helpless trolls!” Kyle flinched, “No, Cartman, you would shoot them! I have to shoot them!” “Maybe before,” Cartman mused, “but not anymore. Not now. I’ve learned something today.” Kyle looked at him and paused. “Yeah, I think I’ve learned something today too” and with that dropped the rifle to the floor.

“What do we do about them?” Austin said pointing at the floating troll clump. “We float them back to their transport and set auto-pilot home. Clean and no one gets hurt” Cartman responded. Austin considered telling Cartman about the troll in the back room but decided against it.

The Asari dancers swarmed out from the back room and started hugging and kissing the four of them. “I could get used to this” Austin said glancing over to Dr. Evil."

Dr. Evil smiled in return “Yeah baby, yeah”

PART ONE

PART TWO

Sherlock had climbed down the access tube to keep an eye on what was going on inside Chora’s Den. When he saw the trolls’ reaction to Xanatos, it did not take him long to figure out exactly what kind of club Chora’s really was.

“Chora’s Den is a strip club,” he whispered up to Goliath and Moriarty. “Only the trolls have taken the females hostage and replaced them with male troll dancers. They really seem to like your body, Goliath!”

“Why would they…?” Goliath began. “Oh. I see. So they’re those kind of trolls.”

“The kind that like dance music and interior decoration?” Moriarty asked. “Huh. I always figured gay trolls were short with high neon hair and sparkly eyes. These creatures are down-right revolting-looking.”

“Be that as it may,” Sherlock said, “They seem to be fairly docile. Only the one guarding the door seems to be a threat.”

“We still need to get the hostages out,” Goliath said.

On the platform below, Xanatos was motioning for the trolls to quiet down. “I am Goliath, a member of a proud and ancient race called Gargoyles!” he shouted. “I am told that our ancestors once lived in peace.”

“Who cares!” one of the trolls yelled. “Shut up and dance!”

“I have come to you seeking a truce!” Xanatos continued. “Allow your hostages to leave, and we will transport you safely off the station!”

“They’re not our hostages! They only stayed here because we treat them better than their former masters. They’re going to give us make-overs,” one troll said defensively.

“We’ll let them go, if you dance for us!” another offered.

“Oh… kay,” Xanatos said. “I suppose I could… I mean, I never…”

“Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!” A new song began to play.

Xanatos began to awkwardly move around the stage. He was still not used to being in a gargoyle body, so his movements were far from graceful. The trolls did not seem to mind, though. They cheered and whistled, and some threw currency at the stage. Xanatos began to grow more confident in his motions, and began to use the pole to spin around.

He climbed to the top of the pole, spread his wings, and swung off. He glided to another platform across the room, grabbed the pole, and repeated the maneuver. The trolls loved it.

When the music stopped, Xanatos returned to the stage at the center of the room. The trolls applauded loudly, shouting catcalls and obscene suggestions at him.

“Now, please let the hostages go!” Xanatos pleaded.

“You danced very well,” one of the trolls said. “I am Brooth. I speak for my clan. The women may leave if they choose. They have not have not chosen to do so.”

“What is it that you want?” Xanatos asked. “Why have you seized this part of the station?”

“We are seeking a new place to live. We came here seeking asylum, but we were denied,” Brooth said. “We had visited this club before, and were appalled at how the women were treated. We thought we could do a better job running the place. It is the most profitable business on the station, so we decided to hit the Citadel’s managers where it would hurt them the most: their wallet. If they want us to leave, they’ll have to pay us well.”

“Where will you go next, once you’ve extorted all the money you can from the Citadel?”

“We’ve got our eye on a nice little planet. It’s called Earth. Once, there were thirteen tribes of trolls. Twelve of our tribes settled in the Trobol system. The thirteenth tribe settled on Earth. We are all that are left of the Twelve Colonies of Trobol, and we are on a journey to our new home.”

“And what to plan to do once you reach Earth?” Xanatos asked.

“We understand that it’s been overrun by humans,” Brooth said. “Once we’ve exterminated them, we’ll take the planet for ourselves.”

“Earth is my home,” Xanatos said. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Too bad for you,” Brooth said. “I don’t think you’ll get to see your home again.” He drew a club from underneath the table and got to his feet. The rest of the trolls did the same. They did not seem so intoxicated now. They began to close in on the platform Xanatos was standing on.

Suddenly, the bulkhead on one side of the room exploded. A team of heavily-armed commandos stormed into the room.

“I’m Commander Shepard of the Normandy,” the lead commando said. Xanatos thought he looked a lot like the actor Fred Ward. “I demand your surrender!”

Before Xanatos could say anything, the trolls charged. Shepard’s team started firing, and the female dancers ran for cover. The air filled with bullets, blood, and bits of splintered wood. Xanatos scrambled out of the way. He shimmied up the pole and then crawled back into the access tube in the ceiling. The rest of the group had found a viewing port to safely observe the melee below.

“That didn’t go well,” Xanatos said as he approached them. “I think the trolls are getting slaughtered.”

“Slaughtered?” Sherlock said. “Look, they’re winning!”

Sure enough, the trolls had used brute force to smash their way through Shepard’s team. A few trolls had fallen in the first onslaught, but the rest had swarmed over them and were swinging their clubs ferociously. Most of the commando team had been beaten down, and Xanatos looked over just in time to see Brooth bludgeon Shepard to a bloody pulp. Brooth howled triumphantly.

“Well, that was predictable,” Moriarty said. “We could have told those idiots that it was suicide to try to take the room by force.”

“What do we do now?” Goliath asked.

“Now’s our chance,” Moriarty said. “All of the trolls are gathered on one side of the club, finishing off the commando team. We should hit them with Sherlock’s gun while they’re distracted.”

“What about the hostages?”

“It looks like they’ve escaped during the fighting,” Moriarty pointed out.

“He’s right,” Xanatos said. “There’s obviously no reasoning with them, and we can’t hope to defeat them by a frontal assault. This might be our only shot. Once they’re done with the Citadel, they’re heading for Earth.”

Sherlock hefted the massive gun in his arms and stared at the viewport. “I can’t,” he said quietly. “I can’t just murder them.”

“I can,” Moriarty said. “Give me the gun.”

TO BE CONCLUDED

TEAM CLAY DRAGON (Morrigan, Flemeth, Batman, Clayface).

MORRIGAN: Must I go frolicking about, pretending to be her? (imitating FLEMETH) If only I had a daughter whose life I could steal!

FLEMETH: Oh, this could be delightful. If only I were as powerful – and beautiful – as my dear mother. I’ll put on the guises of a bear, a spider, a swarm of vile insects, even, but I cannot fathom becoming my mother, whom I most fear.

MORRIGAN: Let’s go bring those trolls to dance in the jungle (giving an evil laugh) … a dance of death in my dragon fire!

CLAYFACE: (under his breath) And they said I overacted!

BATMAN: Team-building?! This is why I work alone! (BATMAN remembered fondly kicking Robin to the curb). It’s … a distraction.

CLAYFACE: Oh, get in the spirit! I can be you! Watch!

Clayface transformed into Batman with a triumphant smile.

CLAYFACE: And when darkness rises, justice will be mine!

Batman – not amused – was ready to give Clayface a pounding.

BATMAN: (lumbering around) I just want to be a big moviestar again with my pretty face, but then I got in that tragic accident and overdosed on plastic-surgery clay and became a monster. Boohoo! So, I’m going to go on a destructive path of vengeance against people who had nothing to do with my monstrosity!

CLAYFACE: (giving BATMAN a blank stare) Sound familiar? Like looking in a mirror!

But the heroes-villains had a non-stripping strip club to liberate, so Flemeth, Morrigan and the Goddamn Batmen went to meet the ship that was taking them to Chora’s Den.

When they got there, Morrigan and Clayface entered, Clayface having transformed into an asari (He chose green … he always liked how he looked in green).

Clayface-as-asari pretended to be weeping. A soft-hearted troll came to console him/her, and Clayface said he’d always wanted to dance. So the troll pulled Clayface up on the stage, and encouraged him/her to dance, having the other trolls cheer him/her on.

MORRIGAN: (hopping on the stage) Oh, green woman, let me show you how it’s done!

And Morrigan stripped … actually stripped! The trolls sat still, with jaws dropped. Some leaning-back customers fell back in shock, but there were no injuries.

Batman entered and in a Clayface-inspired-frenzy started to cause a ruckus, throwing around bar stools (intentionally missing everyone… his “friend” Bruce Wayne would later send a check to cover the costs and then some).

Batman roared and lunged at Clayface-as-Asari and Morrigan. The three of them fell behind the bar. Morrigan cast a temporary paralyzing spell on the trolls, who were furious. Then Batman emerged from behind the bar, being chased by Clayface-as-troll. He followed Batman into a backroom. There were screams, and Clayface-as-troll emerged unscathed.

He told his fellow trolls (who were just beginning to be able to move again) that he took care of the spell-casting, infuriating creature. (They didn’t suspect Morrigan at all). But Clayface said he was told of more bat-beasts on an island not too far away. Morrigan convinced the trolls to revenge her “green friend.” The trolls naturally agreed, and Morrigan told them she knew a dragon who would take them there.

So Flemeth took them away to a deserted island, where the trolls would spend the rest of their lives searching for these mythical bat-beasts, and though they never found any, they did find something else – purpose.

And things got back to normal at Chora’s Den… well, close to normal… for the asari, seeing what attention it caused, actually started stripping at the non-stripping strip club.

On the trip home, Clayface put his arm around Batman.

CLAYFACE: I think we both learned something from this? We’re not too different, you and I. Vengeance? Justice? Almost like brothers? (Clayface transformed back into Batman). Twins even?

BATMAN: Very funny, Clayface.

TEAM TALKS-A-LOT walks into CHORA’S DEN.

SISKO: (to self) I am Dukat. I’m a Cardassian autocrat with a love of power and no moral compass. (sighs upon seeing trolls trying to get advice on running a rebellion) My expertise is just the opposite – crushing the Bajorans with my iron fist. But, I am familiar with their tactics…

DUKAT: (to trolls) Is your liberation movement just? I will only help you if it is. But wait, is it in my interest? Then I’ll help you anyways.

SISKO glares at DUKAT. BUFFY notices ASARI DANCERS and saunters over to them.

BUFFY: Hi! I mean… hey. I’m all vampy and broody, what are you doing after this?

ASARI DANCER: (confused) We need to get these trolls out of here! (cowers with other dancers behind a table).

SPIKE: OK, I’m the Chosen One, let me do my thing and suffer alone and all.

BUFFY: (making a face at Spike) well, Love, let’s kick some ass and take some names.

DUKAT: No! We must find a way to help these noble trolls in their liberation struggle! Power to the people!

SISKO: They must be put down! I am sure the residents of the Citadel will appreciate the triumph of our justice over evil. (slips out of character) Our mission does entail their removal from the club, so we really should come up with a plan. These mountain trolls…

SPIKE: (interrupting) wait, if they’re mountain trolls, why are they on a space station?

SISKO: Why is a vampire on a space station?

BUFFY: Duh, no sunlight.

SPIKE: The stars are suns.

BUFFY: Oh. (pause) Awkward.

DUKAT: (eyeing the increasingly violent mountain troll gesticulations) traditionally the best way to get rid of these trolls is lightning strikes.

BUFFY: (to SPIKE) Why didn’t we pair up with that lightning finger guy from Star Wars?

SPIKE shrugs.

SISKO: I believe that clubbing them over the head will also have a similar effect.

DUKAT: Who are you, Harry Potter?

SISKO: (defensively) It’s a bit more realistic than “lightning fingers.”

BUFFY: Hey! I should be offended, right?

SPIKE: (brightly) OK Team, we need to be more… team-y! We have two ideas – electrocution and blunt force. Let’s use them both. Space station people, you handle the current. Buffy and I have more practice with brute force.

BUFFY: (to ASARI DANCERS) Ladies step back please.

Montage! SISKO and DUKAT work on modifying SISKO’s phaser and DUKAT’s disruptor rifle. BUFFY and SPIKE speak with the musicians cowering in the corner. Peppy music accompanies.

SPIKE: Good thing we brought our own weapons.

BUFFY: And good thing our fighting styles are similar. I’d hate to suck!

Cacophonous sound trumpets around CHORA’S DEN. The TROLLS look at each other, bewildered.

SISKO: (looking at Dukat) What are you waiting for?

DUKAT: Nothing. But you get on my nerves, and I don’t like your hair. Now let’s get rid of these trolls, so I can stop pretending to be you.

BUFFY and SPIKE go into action, clubbing the trolls as they can. When the trolls fall into position, SISKO and DUKAT finish them off with their converted weaponry.

BUFFY: (barely breaking a sweat) They’re primal. Savage. Full of brutal animal instinct.

SPIKE: And they’re gone.

TEAM TALKS-A-LOT leaves CHORA’S DEN smoking with the lightning-d remains of the trolls lying around while the music and dancing begins again.

DUKAT: I really hate this therapy.

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

“I can’t,” Sherlock said quietly. “I can’t just murder them.”

“I can,” Moriarty said. “Give me the gun.”

“No…” Sherlock said.

Goliath reached over and plucked the gun from Sherlock’s arms. “These trolls are alone in a universe that hates and fears them. I know all too well what that feels like. It would be a tragedy for them to die when all they want is a new home. But I have sworn to defend humans, and allowing those trolls to reach Earth would be an even greater tragedy,” he said.

He handed the gun to Moriarty. “You claim to be a villain and a murderer. A villain would let his planet burn, but a hero would do what it takes to save his home. Sometimes fate takes murderers and makes them heroes. ” He swung his armored arm against the glass and shattered it.

Moriarty raised the weapon and armed it. The business end of the barrel began to glow. When he pulled the trigger, an ear-splitting blast rocked the corridor. His aim was true. The trolls were consumed in a fireball so bright it was nearly blinding. When the mushroom cloud cleared, nothing remained of the trolls but smoking ash.

Another bright light filled the corridor. When it faded, they were back in the Xanatos space-jet. Puck floated in the air before them.

“Mission complete,” he said. “I trust you all learned something from this experience?”

Goliath was the first to speak. “Being in your body has taught me something about you, Xanatos. I had considered you a coward for hiding behind your armor in combat. But now I see the skill it takes to wield it. You showed real courage down there, a trait I did not think you possessed.”

“Goliath, I never realized how strong you are,” Xanatos said, flexing his arms. “I suppose never realized just how powerful your body is. You could tear me to shreds in an instant, even with my armor on. The fact that you are able to restrain yourself amazes me, given how I’ve tested you over the years.”

“It has not been easy,” Goliath admitted.

Puck turned to Sherlock and Moriarty. “And what has the brave detective learned from the nefarious criminal?”

Sherlock looked at Moriarty. “I’ve learned that Moriarty is a conscienceless killer, who only does the right thing if it’s in his best interests. Being in his body disgusts me.”

“And you’re a spineless moron,” Moriarty shot back. “I can barely string a complete thought together with this Neanderthal brain of yours. And don’t get me started on your horrendous clothes! I ought to–”

Puck raised his hands, and Moriarty froze in place, his mouth wide. Sherlock, Goliath, and Xanatos were frozen as well, unable to retort.

Puck sighed. “Some lessons are learned easier than others. Still, the day was not wasted. Earth is safe, and everyone survived. Perhaps they will come to an understanding… eventually.” His fingers began to spark.

“Gravest enemies, you have completed the task assigned,
“I now return you to your rightful body and mind,
“You were made to walk in each other’s shoes,
“But trust cannot be forced, it is a path only you can choose.”

Back in his own body and unfrozen, Moriarty continued to berate Sherlock. “–Have shot myself in the head, just to put you out of your… Oh. Glad that’s over,” he said, straightening his jacket.

Puck had transformed back into the shape of Xanatos’s assistant, Owen. “Sir, several Citadel Fleet dreadnoughts are on an intercept course. They seem to think we had something to do with the deaths of a commando team led by a Commander Shepard.”

“Plot a course back to Earth, and go to warp as soon as we’re able,” Xanatos ordered.

“Yes, sir, but we’re still inside the nebula. Warp speed will be impossible until we’re clear. We may not last that long.”

The ship rocked with a sudden blast of weapons fire. “Return fire!” Xanatos barked.

The Xanatos space-jet had minimal weapons, but it was faster than the dreadnoughts pursuing it. They were almost out of weapons range when another ship swooped in front of them. It was the Normandy, the ship belonging to the late Commander Shepard.

“Sir, the Normandy is blocking our escape,” Owen said. “They are demanding that we turn over the ‘murderer’ responsible for the deaths aboard the Citadel.”

“That would be me,” Moriarty said.

A video of Sherlock holding the Cain weapon appeared on the viewscreen. It was obviously taken from security camera footage. It showed Sherlock firing the weapon into Chora’s Den. The video also included footage of Commander Shepard’s dog tags in a pile of ashes.

“No, Mr. Moriarty,” Owen said, pointing at Sherlock. “That’s the murderer they want.”

“That’s not me! That’s you!” Sherlock protested.

“And just how do you propose we explain that to them?” Moriarty asked, gesturing at the Normandy. “There were no cameras inside Chora’s, and all the trolls are ash, so how would we prove it wasn’t you that killed Shepard and his team?”

“Sir, we may not have to,” Owen said. “If we can get the Normandy to move, there’s an opening for us to go to warp.”

“How? Any suggestions, people?” Xanatos asked. He looked to the back of the cabin. Moriarty was strapping himself into Xanatos’s spare Steel Clan exoframe.

“What are you doing?” Sherlock asked him.

“You were right about me, Sherlock. I am a cold-blooded killer. I’m going to go over there and do what I do best, while the rest of you get the hell out of here. Kindly get the door for me, will you?”

Xanatos and Goliath helped Moriarty finish putting on the armor and showed him how to use the controls. Sherlock got on the comm and agreed to surrender himself to the Normandy. Owen plotted a jump course for their escape.

As the Normandy drew near, Moriarty picked up the Cain gun. With the armor, he could lift it easily. “I hope there’s another shot left in this thing,” he said. He turned to the others and address them through the helmet. “Well, boys, this is good-bye. I wish I could say this was fun.” With that, he stepped through the airlock.

The Normandy had opened its own airlock and Moriarty flew towards, the Cain gun tucked behind one wing. Once he was clear of the Xanatos space-jet, Owen punched the button to go to warp.

“That was… good,” Sherlock said. “That… thing he did just now.”

“He was truly a hero today,” Goliath said.

“Yes,” Xanatos agreed. “Pity. I was just starting to like him.”

EPILOGUE

Moriarty opened his eyes. The table he lay on was hard and cold, but he barely noticed it. He could already feel the power flowing through his body.

“The operation was a success,” the Illusive Man said. “It was an attempt to duplicate the process that birthed Subject Zero, the most powerful Adept we’ve ever created, but on an accelerated scale and geared towards the Nemesis specialization.”

Moriarty slowly got up from the table. “It better have worked. I paid you well enough for the biotics.”

The Illusive Man bowed his head. “Cerberus thanks you for your generous donation, Mr. Moriarty. However, we do need to run some tests. You are the oldest human to ever receive biotic implants, so we want to make sure everything works.”

“Certainly.“ Moriarty stood and extended his hand to the Illusive Man, as if he were initiating a handshake. Suddenly, he flicked his wrist upwards. Panic flashed in the terrorist leader’s steely blue eyes as he flew into the air.

“That seems to work,” Moriarty said. “Let’s try this one.” He cast a singularity at the Illusive Man, who screamed as his body was sucked in on itself. In an instant, he was gone.

“I could get used to this,” Moriarty said, smiling as energy glowed in his fists. “I always hated getting my hands dirty.”

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT FSL 3.0 CHALLENGE

Team Starsaber
Jaina Solo
Darth Caedus
Chloe Sullivan (early Smallville Season 8)
Lionel Luthor

“Doctor Heslip, I have a concern about this mission,” Jaina said. “Caedus uses some powers that I…”

“Don’t know,” Caedus interrupted.

“Am unwilling to use because of their nature,” Jaina continued.

“And I know that I won’t be desperate enough to put myself in danger in an attempt to get Clark Kent to notice me as something more than a pathetic little sidekick,” Lionel said.

Chloe started to stand up out of her chair, but stopped herself. “Let’s just get this over with.”


"Why did you come here?" Caedus asked over the discordant music the trolls were making.

The troll standing on the pile of metal that had once been one of the bar's smaller stages ignored him and continued to dance badly.

After a few more attempts to get the troll's attention, he activated his lightsaber.  The music suddenly stopped and the largest of the trolls walked out from behind the bar.

"What you want?" it asked.

"Why did you take over this … establishment?"  Caedus repeated.

""The males of our clan turned to stone," the troll responded.  "They caught dwarves and hobbit but turned to stone when cooking them for us.  Found metal bird and it come here."

"You need to support yourselves.  This isn't the way to do it," Lionel said.  "I can write an Extranet article about you and people will donate to help you.  Perhaps you could even hold some kind of event to raise money."

"If people will pay money to listen to monotone aliens performing hamlet, they will pay for anything," Chloe said.  "But any type of event will require money for advertisement and a location, and I don't support charities."

"We could go up to Flux, detain gamblers without cause and take their money," Jaina suggested, glaring at her brother.  "Some of us are very good at that."

One week later

“What is this craaaaaaap?” Captain Bailey asked over loud off tempo drum beats. A stage had been set up just outside the Dark Star Lounge and a dozen large aliens he had never seen before were standing on it.

“It is the mountain troll charity talent show,” Caedus said, waving his hand slightly. "All their permits are in order.

Summary
Caedus got the attention of the leader of the trolls.
The team found out that the trolls are just trying to support themselves after their male clan members got turned to stone when cooking a group of dwarves for dinner.
Lionel proposed that the trolls should do a charity show rather than taking over Chora’s Den.
Chloe refused to fund the show, so Jaina suggested “detaining” gamblers at Flux and using their money to set it up.
The trolls have their show outside Dark Star Lounge
Captain Bailey thinks it’s craaaaaaap.

Team Angels & Attitudes

Heroine: Lt.Commander Lisa Hayes (Robotech)
Nemesis: Minmei (Robotech)
Heroine: Sara Walker (Chuck)
Nemesis: Heather Chandler (Chuck)

Sara: “I can’t believe we actually pay you for this sort of therapy, Sean.”

Lisa: “We don’t. It was court ordered.”

Heather: “Yea, by the head of the GWC Judicial Branch. ‘Voluntary Therapy’ my butt. It was either this stupid therapy or GWC would never talk about our shows again on the podcast. That would suck. The syndication residuals alone will put my kids through Harvard Law, or Chicago Medical or the University of Texas at Dallas Emerging Media And Communications program.”

Minmei: “Who is this mysterious hardass Shannon anyway? She has definitely never been in show business before. And how did she get to be the head of the GWC Judicial Branch?”

Collective sighs around the room

Heather: “At least we got one good thing out of this therapy session!”

Blank stares throughout the room

Heather: “Unbelievable. You girls need to get out more……ROADTRIP!”

24 hours later as the SDF-3 approaches The Citadel…

Minmei as Lisa: “I’m sure glad I have this big bad ol’ spaceship SDF-3 to drive around the universe and go WHEREVER I want to go.”

Sara as Heather: “I can’t wait to get my hands on all the weapons in the Citadel.”

Lisa as Minmei: “Chora’s Den has a stage! Oh goodie! I get to sing ‘This Is My Time To Be A Star’!”

Heather as Sara: “I miss my nerdy husband with his nerdy name, Chuck.”

Minmei as Lisa: “Girls, we need a plan and I’m just the bossy military-type to come up with one.”

Heather as Sara: “The first 20 or so of my spy missions were as a stripper. I’ll be able fit in with no problem.”

Sara as Heather: “I stole weapons by acting like a prostitute to get a scientist to marry me.”

Lisa as Minmei: “I entertain space pilots like no one else, especially Rick Hunter. Rick will wait for me no matter how many times I tease him. There’s no-one else in the universe interested in him anyway. And everyone LOVES my two songs no matter how many times I sing them!”

Angry chick glares cross the command deck of the SDF-3

Hours later….

Sara and Heather manage to infiltrate the dancers being kept in cages in Chora’s Den. They look the part after all. They notice the Citadel Council is also hostage in a back booth in the club listening to the Trolls’ mindless Tribble, I mean dribble.

Lisa triumphantly walks into Chora’s Den dressed as Minmei with a sound system hooked up to an Audrapedia. Lisa is lip synching “This Is My Time To Be A Star” with amazing talent as the Audrapedia plays the song. Milli Vanilli has nothing on Lisa Hayes. Even Juan would be impressed.

Anyway, even the lip synched song was enough to captivate the Trolls into inaction. Even the Zentraedi weren’t this easy to fool. Well, maybe I’m wrong there, but if you have a problem with it e-mail chuck@galacticwatercooler.com. While the song had the attention of the Trolls, Heather saves the dancers by leading them out of Chora’s Den. Remo-Shepard being just outside of the club also assists in the evacuation of the dancers to the Normandy. The Council, however, is pinned into their booth by two very large Trolls that will not budge.

Sara, playing the part of Heather, is fixated on the Troll’s crude green mountain weapons and cannot leave without stealing all of them. It was a site to see, Sara in a skin tight revealing jumpsuit dragging all this heavy (literally) weaponry off to the Normandy.

After several looped plays of “This Is My Time To Be A Star” and with all the Chora Den dancers safe and Trolls de-armed Lisa takes one last hopeless look at the Council and yells out ‘NOW!’

Minmei, in the command chair on the Bridge of the SDF-3, does her best Lisa Hayes impression and yells “ATTACK!!!”

With Remo-Shepard looking on in horror, the SDF-3’s side aircraft carrier arm crashes all the way into the Citadel up to Chora’s Den. After regaining her stance Lisa runs towards it as the front ramp opens like a gigantic WWII Higgins boat. The front is loaded with Valkryies, Destroids, Tomahawks, and Spartans. All of them with missile pods fully open. The Trolls are in complete shock, still stunned by Minmei’s song and the sudden entrance of the SDF-3 into the club. Remo-Shepard takes off for the Normandy realizing the hell that Minmei was about to release.

As Lisa reaches the ramp, the missiles fire and start exploding throughout the station killing Trolls and Council members alike. Lisa is blown into the safety of the hanger deck. The SDF-3’s arm starts retracting from the slowly exploding station as chain reactions start to rip it apart.

Sara and Heather look on in horror from the bridge of the Normandy as the station starts an immense explosion sequence. Remo-Shepard is frantically gunning the Normandy’s engines to get out of the blast radius.

The SDF-3 starts covering itself in a total shield and the Citadel station explodes in a super-nova like explosion.

Epilogue:

back in Sean’s therapy room on Earth

Heather: “Are you sure you are just a singer Minmei? The devastation you unleashed was cataclysmic. I have a newfound respect for you. And great fear.”

Sara: “There you go again with the weapons envy. Do you know getting those Troll’s weapons almost got me killed? I can’t believe you deal on the weapons black market. Dangerous stuff.”

Heather: “Oh, like saving all those dancers was worth it? They are just mindless automatons. I can’t believe I almost got killed over saving them. You can take your CIA job and shove it Walker.”

Sara: “Bartowski”

Heather: “Whatever.”

Minmei: “Ooooh. That was fun! Can I do it again Lisa?”

Lisa: “You destroyed an entire SPACE STATION Minmei! Do you have ANY idea what you just did?”

Minmei: “It was so cool when you did it to the Zentraedi that I’ve always wanted to try it.”

slight pause

Remo-Shepard: “Who’s responsible for sending you ‘ladies’ to The Citadel?"

Lisa, Minmei, Sara and Heather slowly turn their heads and stare at Sean

Sean: “Uh-oh.”

THE END

(No Solai’s were harmed during the completion of this therapy exercise)