Damn it Baconface!! Now I have to clean Dr. Pepper off the keyboard!
All I have to say is - Baconface: DAMN YOU!!!, you’re writing style is too good and I must bow down to your witty banter between your characters.
Are you sure BaconFace isn’t a ringer (professional writer, standup, comedy sitcom writer).
You Want Fries With That?
or
Bring in the Clowns
“Try it now,” the voice said from beneath the console. Corran threw the breaker and the tactical station came to life, “It is online Henry, great work!” Henry crawled out from underneath and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief, Corran felt sorry for him. “Sorry about this Henry but the Republic could not spare any ships, a new block of hold-overs from the Empire have resurfaced and–.” Henry waved a soot covered hand, “Don’t worry about it, I called in a few favors and I think everything is going to work out fine.” Corran began running diagnostics on the Normany’s upgraded weapons systems, “Well, I admire your work ethic Doc but how are just the two of us going to operate this hulk? Let alone do damage control and maintain this old heap?” Henry put his tools away as he explained, “Gru Enterprises is sending over a team of contractors to help us in that regard.” The sound of hundreds of tiny feet could be heard coming closer; Henry looked to his right, “Speak of the Devil… Here they are.” Corran turned his chair around to look and was greeted by a sea of small yellow creatures with goggles and cheery faces, his face broke into a grin, “MINIONS!”
Fortunately the two warring factions, the Sharks and the Jets seemed more interested in dancing and singing than actually fighting. The zombie outbreak however was another matter all together… Raizo had no difficulties dealing with the shambling undead, and after a gore filled exhibition of his fighting skills the zombies were dispatched. The only thing the authorities could find in common among the victims was that they had all eaten at the new Ronald McDonald’s Galactic Embassy/ Opera House/ Massage Parlor. After a close inspection of the facilities Raizo found the clue they were looking for, he tossed a case of frozen beef patties onto the table, “Here you go officers; the usual patties that would be used have been replaced by beef patties manufactured by the Umbrella Corporation.” Jedge Dredd grimaced and with a gravely voice declared, “Sabotage.”
Meanwhile the Predator went to free the clown…
After realigning the railgun at the mining operation Henry sat down to examine the device that had been used to send the chunks of mined ore off course and to a new location. It was a brightly colored box with a hand crank on the side. Corran rubbed his chin, “That looks like a–*” Henry nodded, “Yes, it does, I think I know who is behind this.”
The Predator threw down the head of the mastermind behind the sabotaged peace conference, the spherically shaped head rolled to Raizo’s feet and stopped. The ball shaped head now had two X’s where the eyes would normally be, Raizo screamed and collapsed to the ground, “Nooooooooo! It couldn’t have been him, not him!” He held the smooth round head with a cone shaped hat, and caressed it lovingly. Ronald McDonald shook his head sadly, “Clearly… You don’t know Jack!”
Pilot- Corran Horn (X Wing book series)
Tech- Henry Deacon (Eureka)
Recon- Predator (Predator franchise)
Martial Artist- Raizo (Ninja Assasin, Movie)
Knowing you guys like what I write is seriously the best compliment ever. 
Damn all of these are just so funny! Damn my inability to write comedy…oh well, will be writing mine up soon - expect action, adventure and long length lol! Can’t help myself…
Oh, I just saw the Normandy is repaired. That changes my plans a bit. My original thought was that after Rodney’s predictable reaction to being given a cored wreck, he and Tom would have to tie the Normandy’s engines to the Mako and use the turret to steer it to a mass relay.
Ugggh unfortunately photography deadlines will make me miss the deadline - will post anyway, but basically it looks like Team Camera Obscura taking a powder on this one (unless of course my client stops requesting edit changes…)
Sorry to hear that, I hope next week works out better for you. 
Team Thot
[COLOR=“Yellow”]Driver/Pilot: Speed Racer, Tech: Dr. Daniel Graystone,
Recon: Racetrack, Martial Artist: Kwai Chang Caine[/COLOR]
Racetrack: Testing. Is this mic on? …Oh…Hi…We interrupt this program to inform you that Team Thot will be unable to make an entry this week due to unavoidable time conflicts.
Dr. Daniel Graystone: But, Racetrack, what will everyone think of us if we fail to step up?
Racetrack: (thinking: Greystone, I’m gonna fraking kill you one of these days for creating the fraking cylons you motherfrakker.)
Well, all we can offer is this. Mr. Kwai Chang Cain will offer a parable of wisdom. Caine, what do you have for us today?
Kwai Chang Caine: I offer this:
Hrm. I think it’d be better if everyone listed their team at the top of their solution. As it is, I have no idea who is what going into any individual story.
You can just post your sig links.
Conan’s Angels
Starbuck: “Frak!!! You telling me I’m gonna miss another Pyramid Cup game to save some Clown and his nuggets!”
Conan: Calm down, Kara. I think there is something that will make it all worth the sacrifice. They are giving us the Normandy.
“Ahhhhhh!” A scream rang out from the entrance to the room and the Angel’s all spun around.
Conan: “Angel’s let me introduce my mentor, Reverend Sean O’hara and…”
Angel’s:“Talat!!!”
Talat ran toward Beatrix, jumped into her arms and frantically started licking her face.
Sean: “Ladies, I see the pictures in your team profile are woefully inaccurate. I would love to get a butt kicking from each of you”, and he winked as he walked by.
Sarah leaned over to Seven and whispered, “He is hot!”
Seven: “Agreed, I believe his genetics would allow us to create a superior offspring.”
Sean: “Apologies for dropping in like this but when I heard the news about the Normandy I had to drop in and take a look at her myself. It also gives me a chance to thank you all for saving my buddy.”
After a few minutes of chatting they all boarded a shuttle that had arrived and headed to the Normandy where they were all given a tour.
Returning to the main deck Starbuck assumed the pilots chair. “Let’s see what this overpowered ship can do”, she said.
Sean: “Take us into the atmosphere on approach to these coordinates. Conan and I will be making a jump into the coast of Guatemala. We have another pest to take out down there.”
Sean and Conan began to leave for the cargo bay and Sean said, “My wife is an Angel too you know” to Sarah who began to blush.
Minutes later he showed up on a monitor and said, “Someone should really take a look at that elevator”. Putting on their helmets, Conan and Sean stepped back and with a back flip jumped out the hanger door.
The Angel’s arrived at the last reported coordinates of the USS Kelvin. Luckily during the tour they were shown the “Yellow-Y-Button” which can be used to detect and scan for anomalies and with a “ping”, the current location of the Kelvin appeared on the screen. They boarded the derelict Kelvin and discovered that the crew had found the location of a hideout located on a remote planet. Beatrix and Sarah loaded up the Mako and, in what would be an awesome cut scene, landed just outside the sensor range of the facility. Approaching the facility they noticed the giant face of a redheaded girl with pigtails.
Beatrix: "I should have known. Wendy, she was in the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad with me. Her code name was “Coral” and she always hated that clown.
Using the Mako’s database they discovered a layout for the facility. Apparently they are pumped out of assembly lines on Illium. Sarah took up position at the front door and Beatrix on the roof. Sarah activated her cloak, entered the main room and took position on top of a stack of crates conveniently positioned at the front of the room where she started picking off the henchman one by one. Beatrix, using her shinny new light saber, cut a hole in the roof and jumped into the center of a room filled by henchman with red ponytail wigs on. After a few seconds a steaming pile of flesh was all that remained of the Wenchman. Standing in her bad ass pose she turned her head and with a look at the McDonald she said, “Do you smell chicken?”.
McDonald told them that he overheard the henchman talking about a Prothean cannon used to launch spherical probes to other planets. It seems that they removed the sensor technology and replaced it with a nuke. Sarah retrieved the location of the cannon from the hideouts computers and returned to the Mako. Knowing time was short they arrived at the cannon where Sarah put a Lockdown on it that should hold long enough for the authorities to arrive and they got picked up by the Normandy.
Beatrix: “We really need to do something about that elevator!”
Seven started examining the elevator system. After a couple hours and several arguments about what they could do to to stop a meteor with a “frakkin” nuke. They arrived in sensor range and started examining the data.
Seven: “I have a solution! In my attempt to fix the elevator I discovered that it isn’t a problem with the speed of the elevator. It arrives at the cargo bay in only a few seconds.”
Starbuck: “Frak that! It took at least 5 minutes during the tour.”
Seven: “The anti gravity mechanism that controls it uses a Mass Effect core. That core is inadvertently creating a Time Dilation Field around the elevator making time pass much slower inside.”
Starbuck: “I didn’t feel dialated.”
Seven: “That’s not what I said! Continuing on, the probe appears to still have navigational thrusters and power. I could adjust the field on the elevator mechanism and connect it to the probe creating a stronger Time Dilation Field around it.”
“I could use a good dialating”, Starbuck said teasing one of the young Sargent’s playing video games on one of the the terminal against the wall.
McDonald: “Will that save Eden Prime?”
Seven: “Eden Prime will have continued in its orbit and the probe will miss it completely. Eventually it will be caught by the stars gravity and be destroyed.”
After a successful space walk by Seven, in an extrodinaraly tight spacesuit, they returned to Eden Prime just in time to fry up some nuggets and down barrels of Dr. Pepper.
The Team
The Hostage
“I think I’m getting good readings on this thing,” Mara said, studying the tricorder Tom had given her and Sarah. The two of them were crouched behind cover near the prefabricated building where the hostage was being held. “Only one entrance. The first room has two humans in it. Second floor is two stories tall with a balcony. Seven targets downstairs, three on the balcony. Back room is the smallest and has three humans, including the hostage.”
“Use your lightsaber to cut in through the back wall?” Sarah suggested.
“Metal is too dense,” Mara said. “They’d have plenty of warning.”
“Looks like we’ll be going in the front door then,” Sarah said.
The two women snuck down to the front door and stood to either side of it before Sarah pressed the control to open it. Quick shots from Mara’s blaster and Sarah’s handgun took out the two uniformed soldiers before they could react.
“Leave the three on the balcony to me,” Mara suggested before they opened the second door. Sarah ran to a convenient box and started firing at the soldiers on the ground floor to distract them while Mara jumped from one stack of boxes to another. As soon as Mara reached the balcony, she activated her lightsaber and charged a sniper who was lining up a shot at Sarah.
Sarah switched to her second clip and fired a few shots at the nearest soldier while advancing to the next bit of cover. Between the two of them, Sarah and Mara quickly dispatched the guards in the large room.
Sarah didn’t wait for Mara to get back down to the ground floor before opening the last door. She shot one of the hostiles as the door opened and shifted her gun to the next target, a woman with dark hair. “Turn around and keep your hands where I can see them.”
The woman turned, and Sarah’s gun involuntarily dropped. Except for the dark hair, it was like looking into a mirror. The next thing Sarah knew, she was flying against the wall. “Who hired you, the Turians or the Batarians?” the woman asked with an Austrailian accent. “Cerberus knows this conference is just a cover for them to solidify an alliance against humanity.”
“Neither,” Mara said from the doorway.
Seeing that the tables had turned, the woman turned her attention to Mara. Mara weathered the worst of the telekinetic attack, but it distracted her long enough for the woman to make her escape, leaving the hostage behind.
The Meteor
“I still can’t believe Mara and Sarah have to rescue Ronald McDonald of all people,” Rodney complained.
“It’s no weirder than 3000 ninjas and a dragon being used to guard a kidnapped dog,” Tom said. “Did you finish your scans?”
“Do you think I’d be up here if I hadn’t?” Rodney asked.
“And?” the pilot asked.
“There’s a deep canyon that looks promising, but the sides are extremely steep and it’s too narrow for the ship,” Rodney reported, sending the coordinates from his tablet to the pilot’s console.
“No problem. I checked the manual for the Mako and it can handle slopes up to 85 degrees,” Tom said.
“Eighty-five degrees? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Nope, doc, that’s what it says. You sure your bomb’s big enough to do the job?”
“It’ll do the job. A Naquadria bomb makes one of your weekly warp core breaches look like a firecracker,” Rodney told him confidently.
“Hey, we went two weeks between near breaches a few months back,” Tom replied, steering the Normandy to the landing zone.
The two men donned space suits during the long elevator ride to the cargo bay. Tom drove the Mako down to the floor of the canyon and dropped off the bomb. The Mako handled the steep slope back up to the ship with ease, and as soon as they were far enough away, Rodney triggered the bomb, practically dissolving the asteroid.
I love that you have a theme song every week.
Oooohh, James!!
This one has my vote.
Infinite Possibilities…I’m crying just thinking about it.
Pure comedy.
I lost count how many sci-fi references you had in this one. It was a potpourri of goodness.
giggle
Chuck fighting the King was magnificent and the Vogans was icing on the cake.
The Predator gets all the good lines…or…erm…you know? Bits.
I would not want to be Dr. Daniel Graystone right now.
Alright, you win.
Well done, Starsaber.
Team Catastrophe:
Driver: Toonces
Tech: Krosp
Recon: Hovercat
Martial Artist: Puss in Boots
“It’s hot. Let’s nap a week or so.”
“Sounds good.”
A Catnap?
Team Casilda: Helva, Baltar, Garak, and Leeloo
“I think it’s best if we split into pair teams for this job, guys,” Helva concluded, having presented the information she had received about Team Casilda’s new Black Ops assignment. “Once Garak gets the information you need, Leeloo, you should be able to move in on the kidnappers while Baltar and I handle our newest celestial visitor.”
The team was in agreement. Baltar wandered off to his room to pray, and in his absence the rest of the team had some privacy to discuss something that had been eating at them. “Baltar’s useless unless we’re really in trouble! He just wanders around all dopey-eyed until he does something for the team. Have you guys noticed that he doesn’t work much?” Helva started off the complaints. In the end, the three of them agreed that Baltar performed his best work under pressure. “That makes this job perfect for him” was Garak’s concluding remark before heading to his station to begin collecting intelligence.
How Garak had contacts on a world they had never visited was a mystery to Helva and Leeloo, but he got the job done, which is what mattered to them. As the team approached Eden Prime, Garak sat back in his chair and smiled. “We have the location, and I do believe we can use this… franchise… to our benefit. If you need me I will be in Baltar’s lab.” He rose and left the room.
“Seduce? You want me to seduce them?! I can do much more than that!” Leeloo protested when Garak explained her part in the plan to rescue Ronald McDonald. Garak had spent his time in the lab well, having received proprietary information with regards to the construction of the soon-to-be-introduced Chicken McNuggets, and having made a few choice adjustments to their contents. Leeloo looked disgusted by the McDonald’s: Eden Prime uniform she was expected to wear for the scheme to work. “I’ve worn some skimpy outfits, but this one is… I don’t have the words!” With frustration, she went to change, for as soon as she was ready Helva would be dropping them off at the window-less fortress that, according to Garak’s information, contained both the kidnappers and Ronald McDonald.
“No windows? This stealth mode is kind of overkill…” Helva mumbled to herself as Garak, dressed as a chef, and Leeloo, dressed as a McDonald’s server, left the ship. “Baltar! We’ve got a meteor to stop!”
“Do we really, um, have to be this close, Helva?” Baltar looked at the screens nervously, noting their proximity to the meteor.
“Baltar, if I thought you could survive, I’d put you down on that meteor to get your crap together.” Helva’s patience was nearly at it’s end.
Baltar’s imagination was getting the better of him. He couldn’t stop glancing at the exterior screens, and he couldn’t contain his terror at the prospect of dying in such an ignominious way. “Work. I must work. Think!” he muttered to himself as he sat surrounded my his materials. “I could blow it up… no, that’s too pedestrian. Besides, then I’d have to worry about the debris… I could reverse the polarity of our shields in order to alter the gravity of the meteor…” A look of disgust came over Baltar’s face. “My God! Techno-babble! Is this what I’ve come to! Disgraceful.”
“Yes, very disgraceful. Silly, thinking you can subvert God’s will in this way. Meteors are a force of nature, and humanity is not meant to meddle with them.”
Baltar looked enthralled for a moment, then snapped out of it. “Wait a second, you sound more like Six!”
Head Baltar shook his head, impeccable in pinstripe. “You still don’t understand. You will only save Eden Prime by the grace of God.”
Baltar was familiar with this rhetoric. “But I believe! I told her I believe! God’s love, and all that rubbish. I believe it!”
He found himself talking to himself as his eyes come to land on the Galaxy Map. He moved to examine the current configuration of Eden Prime’s solar system, and he began to feel hope. “Not a big boom, a little boom!” He traced Zion’s orbit with his hand, and called up the meteor’s projected trajectory. He grabbed a piece of paper, and began calculating.
“Hello, handsome.” Leeloo sauntered up to the nearest guard, drugged McNuggets in hand. “I know you got our clown, but corporate thought you might re-think this whole kidnapping thing if you tried some of our products.” The guard looked interested. “You would, of course, be the first person on Eden Prime to try these babies! I haven’t even been allowed to try them, yet” she pouted as the guard motioned his compatriots over. “You eat them with your fingers, and you have a wide variety of sauces with which to try them. Here, let me set the food up on the table for you.” Garak, watching from a distance, smiled to himself.
“No, I’m not allowed to eat while on duty, boys.” Leeloo smiled charmingly as the guards dug into the poisoned food. The first guard suddenly collapsed, and the rest of them sluggishly moved towards Leeloo. She quickly dispatched them, removing the key-chain from one of the uglier ones, and gestured Garak forward, keys in hand. They unlocked the door to see the slightly creepy smiling face of Ronald McDonald.
“Let’s call Helva.”
“I’m a bit busy right now, can you get to the second pick-up point?” Helva communicated to Garak as Baltar was explaining her role in his save-Eden plan.
“Helva! Pay attention!” Baltar was almost stern with her. “I’ve made the necessary adjustments to the mass acceleration cannon for the precision explosions, so you just need to complete incisions in the places I’ve indicated on the map, and return safely with the Mako. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to avoid recalculating these, so you really do need to get going.”
Helva went to the cargo bay to interface with the Mako. Having left the ship, she maneuvered over the meteor, following the map that Baltar had set out for her. Though her incisions didn’t do anything visible, having watched him work surreptitiously, she had faith that Baltar’s calculations were accurate, and returned to the ship.
Upon coming back into the CIC, Helva saw Baltar carefully observing the computer’s recalculations of the meteor’s trajectory. “Aha! There we go, slip right towards Zion, like the good girl you are…”
“I take it the mission was a success” Helva queried.
“Oh yes. The meteor’s trajectory has been altered subtly to allow it to fall into the gas giant’s gravity well. Eden Prime is most definitely saved.”
“Good. You can tell our employers while I get the rest of our team back.”
“That Hamburgler guy was a bit… odd, don’t you think?” Garak commented to Leeloo as they waited at the assigned pick-up point with Ronald McDonald in tow.
Leeloo shrugged as she responded “Well, you did say that corporate wanted their own people to move in once we got McDonald to safety.” The Normandy came into view, and they moved aboard. Helva quickly transported them to the site of the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the first McDonald’s, and Ronald McDonald made a triumphant entrance to welcome all the residents of Eden Prime to the undoubtedly excellent experience of “fast food.”
Back on board the Normandy, Leeloo made a face as Baltar and Garak sat down to eat some chicken nuggets. “Bad association,” she commented as she left the room, plate with an entire roast chicken in hand.
In a nutshell:
The rest of the group has realized that Baltar works best under pressure, so Helva brings him (and his equipment) to hold position very close to the meteor – just ahead of it, in fact. Baltar, terrified by the prospect of certain, fiery death, gets to work. He considers blowing it up, but finds that solution too pedestrian. He considers trying to mess with the gravity of the celestial body, but he realizes he thinks too well of himself to engage in techno-babble. His mind wanders and he has an interlude with Head Baltar. Galaxy map gets him thinking about spatial relationships, and he notices that Zion’s orbit is not too far away from the path of the meteor, and that minimal force would be needed to gently nudge the meteor into a collision with Zion, which would therefore avert the destruction of Eden Prime. He makes adjustments to the Mako’s mass acceleration cannon in order to make the necessary precision explosions, explains to Helva what shots are necessary, and stays with the ship while Helva uses the Mako to accomplish the nudge, sending the meteor into Zion’s gravity well, and out of their minds.
Meanwhile, Garak finds out where the kidnappers are holding their hostage, Helva drops Garak and Leeloo off, and Leeloo gets Ronnie back, by seducing the kidnappers with drugged chicken nugget prototypes [McDonald’s original, Garak’s tinkering] and leaving them in the capable hands of the Hamburgler. Having averted disaster on the meteor front, Helva swings by to pick them up, and they return Ronald McDonald to the triumphal opening of the first McDonald’s on Eden Prime.
I don’t read any of the solutions until I’ve posted my own. And then I have a grand old time reading the ones that have been posted 
Spot on with these characters… plus, I love Sheldon.
Great opening, I love it!
I don’t read other people solution either before I post so here I go. Really put a lot of heart in that one.
Pilot: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)
Tech: Q
Recon: T-1000
Martial Artist: Blade
The Team just got the information from the Cerberus #2 O’Hara, Sean O’Hara and are boarding the Normandy. The ship takes time to scan them and let them in.
Hal: This ship looks like it has been patch from a MAJOR crash. (while the door is opening)
Inside a small crew is working on their right calculating space route or something on a big starmap. On their left, a small cockpit with a small man in the pilot seat is turning to great the team.
Joker: Hi, I’m Joker, you must be some major player guy. Cerberus does not rebuild a ship like this just for the fun of it.
Q: Hum, the technology seem quite advance.
T-1000: No AI?
Joker: Not on that model, but you should see the SR-2! Leather seat man!! ……. Ok, you have as much humor as EDI. Where did you found this guy?
Q: In a foundry.
Joker: Why did I ask? Anyway, I’ll be your driver for this particular trip.
Hal: Sorry kid, I’m the Pilot on that ship.
Joker: If you think you can handle it. You see, there is a reason why I go where this ship go. It does not fly like you would think. It glides, glides space. If you don’t want to see this ship crash you’ll let me pilot it. Anyway, it’s not like we don’t have something for you to drive.
Doctor Chakwas: And if you would follow me I’ll show you the rest of the ship, and this other vehicule.
Blade: Let’s not waste time with futility, McNuggets are at stake here!
Hal: You’re right. Joker, set a course for Eden Prime.
Joker: Setting course for Eden Prime Commander. We should be there in a couple of hour.
Doctor Chakwas: Now come with me. (They start walking away from the cockpit into a corridor full of CPU that leads to the Starmap room. The walk down a couple of stair and proceed to look at the common room, bathroom and infirmary.)
Doctor Chakwas: Forgive Joker, he lost this ship once and he is so afraid of losing it again.
T-1000: Identify yourself.
Doctor Chakwas: I’m Doctor Chakwas, I’m the chef medical officer on this ship. I treat Joker for Vrolik syndrome, so I go where he goes.
Q: Vrolik syndrome, never heard of it.
Doctor Chakwas: Basically is bones are like glass, walking is a nearly impossible task. even with our current level of medicine. He is the best pilot I’ve seen tough. I like to think of him as the soul of the Normandy.
Hal: Nice ship, it’s spacious.
Doctor Chakwas: You should see the SR-2. AI, bigger quarter, better isolation, better elevator.
Blade: Elevator?
Doctor Chakwas: You’ll see.
They get to the elevator that goes to the hangar and hop in. Only two floor button, up and down.
Q: That should be a short trip. ( and the Doctor push the down button)
The elevator start to go down realllllly slowllllly. 2 min later the door open.
Q: They couldn’t fix THAT!!!
Doctor Chakwas: I know. ( They walk to or three step.) I present you The MAKO.
Q: All terrain vehicle, can withstand extreme heat and unimaginable drop. One Cannon, probably a Mass Effect accelerator to power it. Can contain a squad and seem to have thrusters, good idea for controllable drop.
Hal: Controllable drop. Hein. I think I have an idea to get rid of the meteor. T, you wanna go drill a hole in a Meteor and drop a bomb in it, Armageddon style.
T-1000: If I can ride the bomb.
Hal: You got it. Blade, can you take care of the McDo incident?
Blade: I just need a couple of… personalize working tool and everything should be fine. It’s not the first time I deal with angry customers.
Q: I think this is my q. What do you need big guy.
Blade ( as there walking away on a workbench. ) I need you to Whistler it. Take my basic gear and make it better.
Q: Let’s start with that sword of yours. I can make a laser one, and those surikens can probably fly faster and more gracefully.
Hal: When you finish with him you start making a Bomb, be quick.
T-1000: What is the plan exactly?
Hal: We drop Blade at Eden Prime to deal with the Radical. He’s an expert in that field of expertise, we have no need to worry, he will do the job. It may be messy but no McNugget will be arm. We then proceed to intercept the Meteor and get Joker to drop us off close enough for me to be able to control our fall. Once on the Meteor, we dig a hole with my ring, you rig the bomb and we get the hell out of there. My ring should still have enough power to take us and the MAKO into space until we get retrieve by the ship.
T-1000: You leave a lot of work to that Joker boy.
Hal: Hey, he says he come with the ship. Fine, let him prove it, and beside we have 2 vehicles and one Pilot. Also, he’s not been recruit by any other team, I guess he’s a freelancer. Plus he got character, he remind me of myself…
T-1000: That is not the boy I’m looking for.
Hal: What?
Time pass and soon Q comes back with Blade who now sport an electric net on his new utility belt. A couple of throwing disc, is sword strap on his back and a weird looking coat. They are now all in the conference room situated behind the Starmap room.
Hal: You did all that in a couple of hours?
Q: The coat was the trickier. I stole the technology from the US government during the Escape from LA incident. It renders the wearer almost invisible. We did a car with the same tech. I also equip him a portable holo projector. It can replicate any individual in a radius of 100 feet.
Hal: Ok, go make a Bomb big brain.
Q: Thank the Queen I pride myself in my Job because you sure don’t seem to care.
Hal: As long as it explode I’m gonna be happy.
(Speaker) Joker: We have arrive to Eden Prime and we are getting to the spaceport.
Q: Here are the coordinate of the McDo. Don’t kill the clown and please, don’t eat any McNuggets, they are for the delegate.
Blade: I’m no amateur, do your Job and I’ll do mine. I’ll beep you when I’m done.
Blade gets out of the ship and soon disappears into the crowd.
T-1000: That should have been my Job.
Hal: Don’t worry; I need you for something only you can endure. Joker, go intercept that Meteor.
(Speaker) Joker: Aye Aye sir.
The ship makes a sharp turn and goes at full speed for around 1h30min. During that time Q build a bomb using a Mass effect generator and some Naqada lying around. He then mount the bomb on the MAKO. At the same moment he finish Joker makes an ungraceful remark to announce arrival. Hal and T-1000 embark on the MAKO and prepare for the Drop. The coordinate pop on the screen and the Massive truck roles right out of the Normandy.
Hal uses the thrusters to manouveur the MAKO in an acceptable drop zone and after lots of turbulence land on the meteor ( Just imagine Michael Bay at work here with 30 million dollar.)
They role for a bit and finally find a place where the soil is good enough to make a hole.
Hal: T, now your part. You take the drill, dig enough and bury the bomb.
T-1000: Why me?
Hal: Because you’re invincible.
T-1000 gets out there and start to dig with a special laser drill provided by Q. Got hit by a dozen of wild rock the size of a scouter but manage to reconstruct itself, then get back to the ship.
T-1000: The deed is done, now let’s terminate that gorram rock.
Hal use is ring to spring the MAKO out of the Meteor orbit and they start to float in the nothingness when Hals ring becomes depleted.
Hal: Now we wait in the Blackest night.
Back to the McDo
Blade uses the Invisible cloak to infiltrate the McDo and assess the situation. A dozen of men, all Human radical, probably ex-Cerberus, well trained and arm starting to boil the oil to cook the McNuggets. If those noggets are over cooked, peace could be compromise. He place is holo near the Clown and takes position behind the man with the basket of McNuggets ready to be fried.
The basket drops into the Oil and Blade enter in action. While the Holo distract the man covering the clown he impale the basket man with is sword, twist, throw 2 discs in arc disabling 6 men. Duck under the counter, goes around and sword fight is way through the last 4 men and gracefully throws is net at the men threatening the Clown who became wooden with fear.
Not, thinking and only by reflex he then took the McNuggets out of the Oil. Humm, just perfect and prepare meals for the dignitaries who arrive just in time. They would not see the blood and gore around but they enjoyed the happy meal while looking in the sky at a special representation of Meteor Explode 1.0 : (column) Peace at last.
Back in the Normandy after the adventure.
Hal: Turns out we nail that one. The show seem to impress the dignitaries and the McNuggets were great.
Blade: We cooked it nicely. What was the Meteor Gun after all?
Q: An experience from a man call Nero who use a couponed call Red Matter create a Black Hole and use it’s burst in gravity and Tachyon to project a Meteor at a specific location.
T-1000: Unfortunately, another team took care of him before we arrive lead by a certain Kirk.
Blade: Kirk, stop fracking with me liquid brain. How did the Joker kid did.
Hal: He did well, I wish we had more room on the team, hey maybe another mission will bring us back to a Normandy? For now let’s take a week off, I have a Movie to promote at San Diego Comic Con!
Blade: I wish I had a reboot….
Q: I wished to be back in a movie one day…
T-1000: I wish they would stop to make sequels without me….
Hal: see you in 2 week guys!!!
My Second entry, I tried to keep this one a little shorter, only going into dialogue when it was [strike]funny[/strike] necessary for the plot.
TEAM PLAYER - ROUND 4
“Who do they think we are, Bruce Willis?” Frank asked, after shutting off the briefing.
“Or Sy Snottles, apparently.” YoSaffBridge replied.
“Beep Err woop beep bloop!*” R2 agreed. (If only Master Chief were here!)
“Since the planet has been evacuated except for The McDonald and his captures, the meteor is a secondary priority. We need to figure out how to get The McDonald out before its too late.” Mara said calmly.
“The council says that Eden Prime is of utmost importance from both a economic and scientific standpoint. But they also said that The McDonald was one of the most important people in all of Citadel Space. Its like they want us to be guessing.” YoSaffBridge said.
“The council can kiss my ass! They wouldn’t know a priority if it walked up and kneed them in the groin.”
“Wee Woo squeak boop!” R2 chirped. (*Don’t go all renegade on us ‘commander’!)
Mara and YoSaffBridge laughed, while Frank smiled gruffly.
After much deliberation, it was decided that Mara and YoSaffBridge would head down to Eden Prime to try to rescue The McDonald, while Frank and R2 would try to stop the meteor. Like all self-respecting female spies, Mara and YoSaffBridge broke out the leather cat-suit, while Frank and R2 began fixing, welding and pouring over blueprints of the SSV Normandy SR-1, AS MEN DO. When the montage was over, they were ready.
Frank and R2 flew the Normandy towards the meteor hurling towards Eden Prime. R2 calculated that their plan, while not entirely original, had a high chance of success. Frank left the Normandy on autopilot, while he and R2 boarded the Mako. “Has our trajectory been calculated?” Frank yelled over the loud hum of the engines. “Beep boop!*” R2 yelled back. (*You bet your ass it is!)
“Prepare to jettison the Mako on my mark! 3, 2, 1… Mark!” The bottom of the Normandy opened up and the Mako charged out into the vacuum of space… while the Normandy headed right for the meteor!
“Haha!” Frank said. “Instead of using the Mako to go to the Meteor, we are flying the Normandy into it! The Meteor will never see it coming!”
The Normandy slammed into the Meteor, and a moment later, its engines self destructed. The resulting explosion broke the Meteor into several much smaller pieces that would burn up in the atmosphere. The Mako flew towards Eden Prime as well, and R2 and Frank used the thrusters to slow their decent to a safe speed.
Meanwhile, Mara and YoSaffBridge were down on the surface. They managed to sneak into the compound where The McDonald was being held. After crawling through ventilation shafts, sneaking under tables, and other spy related activities, they manage to find the security room with camera feeds from everywhere in the compound. After taking out the lone guard in the room, they located what looked like where The McDonald was behind held.
“That wasn’t so hard”, Mara said, standing outside the doors to the room where The McDonald was being held.
“I know… it was almost too easy.” YoSaffBridge said, looking around nervously.
“Well, I’m sure nothing bad will happen now that we found him. Lets go.”
Mara kicked in the door, and both of the spies charged in, Mara with her lightsaber drawn, and YoSaffBridge with a Colt six shooter. They saw the clown in the back of the room, his hands tied, his back turned to them.
“Get them!” They heard someone yell, and two guards charged them. Mara sprung into action automatically, and jumped onto the end of one of the tables, sending it flying into the air. Before landing she pushed off the wall, and used The Force to throw the table expertly to the guards face, knocking him out and pinning him under the table. YoSaffBridge shot the other in the chest.
YoSaffBridge ran to The McDonald, and grabbed his shoulder to spin him around. But it was not The McDonald, it was The Joker!
“Hehehe Ha HA HA HAHAHAHA!!!” The Joker laughed. “You should see the look on your faces now! OHAHAHA!!”
YoSaffBridge threw the Joker into the wall. “Where is he?!” she demanded, in a voice unusually horse.
“You’ve got a little fight in you, I like that!”
“Then you’re going to love me” Mara said, grabbing him by the lapels and throwing up on the ground. She ignited her lightsaber and held it to his throat. “Where is The McDonald, and where is the Meteor gun?”
“Meteor gun?! HAHAHAHAAHA! You people are even more gullible than The Batman.”
“And The McDonald?” Mara asked, inching the lightsaber closer to his neck.
“You have nothing to threaten me with! A Meteor is coming and will kill us all. It’s too late for you to get him out, so I might as well tell you.”
Mara and YoSaffBridge charged into the room where The McDonald was being held. Unfortunately, this time they were not so lucky. There must have been 100 guards in the room, and The McDonald stood in the middle.
“Any second now, we will get our diversion, and we can grab him.” Mara said, glancing at her wrist chronometer.
“What diversion?” YoSaffBridge asked.
Just then, the Mako crashed into through one of the walls, and began firing!
“Let’s go!” Mara yelled.
In all the disarray, they were able to grab The McDonald, and get him back to the Mako. Once inside, Frank drove the Mako out of the compound. They were perused by several large humve like vehicles, but when it looked like they were going to be surrounded, Frank drove the Mako up the side of a cliff, and to safety. Shortly after, Captain Anderson was arrived on his ship, the SSV SolidDude and lifted the Mako to safety, before blasting off at Ludicrous speed.
JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE ADVENTURES OF TEAM PLAYER!
Team Hot Bitches
nausicaa - bulma - creamy mami - hitomi
A POMA solution #4 , written oh so quickly… and I have no idea about the Mass effect stuff. sorry!)
*POMA= pulled out of my ass because I forgot about this week’s FSL til like 30 mins ago)
Hitomi takes a look at the ransom picture while Nausicaa, a fervent vegetarian, tries to convince the others to abandon the mission and save Eden Prime from the evil that is Ronald Mcdonald.
Hitomi: Hey, guys…
Nausicaa: …haven’t you guys read fast food nation? Why are we helping this evil cooperation anyway?
Mami: But I love Mcdonalds! Good chicken! (as Leeloo would say)
Hitomi: GUYS!! Never mind about your own personal agendas.
The others turned to Hitomi. “What?”
Hitomi: Look at the photo the kidnappers sent. That is not Ronald Mcdonald. That is a plastic statue of Ronald Mcdonald!
They leaned in and inspect the photo “Huh. That IS a plastic statue of Ronald. Huh. How did we not notice this?”
Hitomi: I think we need to take a trip to the Mcdonalds Headquarters and find out whether there actually was a kidnapping to begin with.
Nausicaa: I am not going anywhere near that place. I can’t. My principles!
Bulma: Stop whining. How about this - You and I take the Normandy and see what we can do about that meteor - you can object to Big Macs, but not to saving people from a meteor, right?? - and Mami and Hitomi can go deal with the Mcdonalds situation.
Mami: how are we supposed to get to the headquarters without a vehicle? It’s all the way in Eden Beta!
Bulma: Well, it’s not like you can pilot the Normandy anyway! Here - BOOM! - take my capsule spaceshuttle. A monkey can pilot this thing.
Hitomi quickly grabs the keys before Mami could. “It’s probably better that I drive.” Mami fumes as she follows Hitomi into the shuttle.
Bulma and Nausicaa
B: All right, let’s go!
N: I sense that you already know what the plan is.
B: Yep. How good is your aim?
As the Normandy waits right halfway in the atmosphere of Eden Prime for the bomb, Bulma checks the ammo situation on the Normandy and is satisfied.
B: Now, when the meteor gets here, shoot it by pressing these buttons.
N: That’s it?
B: Yes. The meteor isn’t really that big, and the special atmosphere of Eden Prime will melt the meteor into an even smaller ball when it gets to where we are. You shoot it, nothing more than debris will fall to the ground.
Moments later
N: Well, that was easy.
Hitomi and Mami
While Mami distracts the guards at the Mcdonalds Headquarters building with her celebrity status, Hitomi rushes through and bursts through the door of the CEO.
H: Just what game are you playing? The kidnapping is a ruse!
The chair swivels around to reveal a man with bright red hair and very pale skin, looking fairly amused at Hitomi’s dramatic entrance.
H: Ronald Mcdonald?!
Ronald: My minions have spoken with countless police officers, FBI agents, Interpol, Eden Prime MI5s on my ‘kidnapping’… And yet, you are the first one to realize that I am not actually made of plastic.
H: So…you are not kidnapped, I take it?
R: I am talking to you right now… Ain’t I? This is what’s called a MARKETING plan! For the past few days, all anyone’s been talking about is me! When I appear at the grand opening, all eyes - and mouths - will be on me and my Mcnuggets. And I don’t even have to spend a pretty penny on advertising.
H: oh, good lord. Nausicaa was right. You are an evil coorperation. Cheap too, apparently.
R: Well, building an intergalactic empire ain’t cheap.
H: I want to hate you, but what is this smell? Mmmm… Is that fries I’m smelling?
R: It sure is! as a reward for your keen sense of observation and your discretion on this matter, I’d like to your team passes for Any and all foods at any of our establishments for life!
Opening Day
At a table piled with a ton of Mcdonalds food.
Hitomi: I’m sorry, Nausicaa. One minute I was repulsed by this guy, the next I was munching on fries and agreeing to anything he was saying!
Bulma: This stuff’s like crack!
Mami: (eating noises)
Hitomi: Nausicaa?
Nausicaa: (eating noises) This stuff is like crack. (eating noises) I’m lovin’ it!