FSL 2.0 Challenge 4: The Horns of A Dilemma

Note: Many thanks to The Shooter Clan for this weeks challenge.

Eden Prime, some believe it is an ancient Prothean world full mystery and hope for the future - and who knows they may even be right. What we do know for sure is that on this very planet the galaxies first intergalactic peace summit and fast-food restaurant will be opened with all the fanfare the planetary press can muster.

The McDonald. He is a trusted broker of understanding and happiness the galaxy over. It was he who brought the warring clans together with his wise words and wholesome, deep-fried nuggets of poultry-like meat. He is our best chance for a lasting peace.

As you might have already gathered once the summit was announced things… took a turn. It would appear several radical groups have mobilized at the same time.

Mission Details: At around 8:35 am this morning we received this photo of the McDonald. As you can see these folks look like they mean business.

Somewhere around 10ish we also got word this meteor is hurtling through space (the note said from a meteor gun) at the unsuspecting Eden Prime.

Objective:

  1. Find the Mcdonald and liberate him from the radicals. Command has already dispatched the USS Kelvin to deal with the meteor however they were intercepted by a strange storm in space and all communication has been lost with the ship at this time.

  2. Stop the meteor. And should you have any spare time - find out what a meteor gun is and where it’s located. Knock it out.

Your team must find a way to save us from both threats. If the McDonald isn’t there to serve his delicious nuggets to the galactic deligates at the opening – disaster for all concerned.

We have it on good authority that should the planet explode due to meteor collision, that would be a bummer as well. Also, and I know you’re just as worried on this as I am, but at least fifty dollars in nuggets would be lost in the process were that to happen.

Vehicle Asset: Command has generously requisitioned the Normandy for you on this mission. The accompanying all terrain vehicle that goes with it, called the Mako, is loaded in the cargo bay and ready to go.

Now as you can see it did suffer a slight fender bender whilst on a mission with another black ops team. What’s that? Yes, that’s just a cell phone pic of the boo-boo it suffered during the incident I was speaking of. Really, the insurance adjuster’s picture makes it look much worse than it really is.

After a brief visit to “Morlan’s Famous Paint and Body” it’s in tip-top shape for your journey.

Good Luck.

Quick clarification - is this the Normandy from Mass effect or the Normandy from Star Trek?

Any chance that there’s some kind of cheat sheet about this mission for those of us lacking Mass Effect knowledge? :confused:

Time for Wikipedia again…

Or the DC hotel? Or Northeast Ohio’s Premier Retirement Community? :rolleyes:

Because of the description I will say it is the SSV Normandy SR-1 from Mass Effect.

Maybe after listening to all the great reviews for the last few years you could join the party? :stuck_out_tongue:

What if you never been to The McDonald’s? Is he(?) a regular clown or does he have special powers?

By “slight fender bender” do you mean the Collectors destroying the Normandy or damage it took at the end of ME1?

Indeed sir, that is exactly the Normandy I mean.

I mean the total destrcution and hollowed out wreackage you can visit in ME2. It’s just a plot point you may or may not use if you wish. :smiley: A querky ship with a new rebuild…things added to the design… you know… just saying.

This weeks’s theme tune - In a slight deriative tune from Mighty Mouse

Here they come to save the day
Only a chicken nugget,
can save the summit
and keep that pesky meteor at bay

They fly in the Normandy Mk 1
Our heroes need to get this done
The 4 of them make up the crew
knowing that the need of the many outweigh the few


Our intrepid heroes are situated on the Normandy when they are interrupted by a high priority message coming over the message terminal. They all make their way to the communication room where Forge switches on the holographic comm system.

A reverend like figure is shown on the screen; his hair is long and the arms of his holy tunic is ripped to show the off his guns. He’s also wearing a badge that says “APAAS Award Winner”.

*In a gospel like manner, complete with choir behind him, he outlines the mission. He ends the speech by saying God Speed, the fate of the Mcnuggets lay in your hands.

After the briefing, they come up with a plan,

Reed: Ok, I’ve got experience with space based objects and disasters, I might even have a good idea on how to get rid of it, I might have to call in a big favour. A really BIG purple favour.

Forge: Ok, so what about the saviour of all things greasy, how are we going to save the ambassador of the happy meal?

Xander: Well me and Mr Happy over there can land on Eden Prime and sneak into the compound.

Riddick: Just get me in there, I’ll sort out the rest, you’ll just have to keep up. The meal isn’t the only thing that’s going to be large, the body count is.

Xander: Ok, well I have experience of getting into compounds like this. What we’ll do is get Forge to design us a holographic disguise where we will sneak into the compound as temporary workers. We’ll shut down the lights so that Riddick can do his magic while I go and locate the target.

Reed: He puts down the phone after calling in a favour from Norin Rad, "Ok, we’re going to have help in about 2 hours*.

So they make their way to Eden Prime. They land in the Mako and travel over mountains, flip over a couple of times and salvage some parts. Forge uses his shaman powers (I am far from the bones of my people…) to feel for the life force of R.McDonald and his captors.

After being kitted out with the holographic devices the Forge designed, Xander and Riddick infiltrate the base posing as temporary workers.

Xander goes to look for R.McDonald and during his travels; he finds out that the reason for the coup is that the last time,
R.McDonald was on their planet, their nuggets took longer than 5 minutes and were cold, so they wanted revenge, that and one of them scolded themselves on a hot apple pie.

From the Mako, Reed Richards patches into the complex and shuts down the lights causing everything to go dark.

Riddick: Let’s get this party started; I’m an animal when I’m hungry

Mayhem starts - through the burst of gunfire, you can see Riddick slicing down the captors with ease, as his eyeshine locates them with relative simplicity - He finds himself in a room with the Fast food overloads (Burger King, The Colonel, Wendy, Wimpy and the Nando’s chicken). Surrounding them are tons of their minions). After a 10 minute explanation of their plans, they sic hundreds of trained fighters to attack Riddick. It’s quite similar to the Neo vs Smith battle in the Matrix 2).

Xander in the meantime, has located R.McDonald, although he did punch him in the face by accident after rounding a corner and getting scared by the clown. After apologising, they make their way to the central chamber where Riddick is covered in blood (or is it ketchup) eating a cheeseburger.

Riddick: Took your sweet time, looks like we’re done here. Stay a while, the McFlurry is delicious

Meanwhile back on the Normandy, Forge and Richards have made their way back to the comet

Norin Rad: “I’m here as you asked, what task requires my cosmic help”

Forge: There’s a giant meteor heading towards Eden Prime, we need to get rid of it and figure out where it came from.

Richards: Well, I did have an idea of shooting a giant ball mixture of hamburger meat and nuggets to alter the course of the meteor, but I decided to call you instead.

Norin Rad listens intently, and after listening to the details, summons his boss to eat the meteor.

After a near choking incident, they gather back together to discuss the deed.

Norin: The deed is done, although I have to inform you that my boss has commented that it had a weird aftertaste, almost like it was strained through a beetle’s colon.

Reed and Forge look at each other before nodding as they come to the same conclusion.

Forge: This must be the meteor gun that our commander was talking about, I’ve heard of an initiative called Project Aerial Surgical Strike - Cleansing And Nuking Nationals Or Natives"

Richard: We can track the meteor course by using complex maths, we can trace the course of the meteor from the destination point of Eden Prime, draw a straight line and the first planet we reach must be the source of the launch site.

After picking up the others, cleaning the complex on Eden Prime and ensuring that the nuggets are piping hot, our heroes make their way back to the source of the gun.

They discuss on how to get rid of the gun, after heated discussions, some crying and some pouting, Riddick convinces the rest of the group by saying “Nuke them from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure.

So using the immense weaponry aboard the Normandy, they begin to bombard the planet thus eliminating the threat and saving the galaxy once more.

Team Sideways
Driver: Wash / Tech: Macgyver / Recon: James Bond (Connery) / Martial Artist: The Operative

The air hung coolly on a dimly lit bridge as the Illusive Man stared out into the void of space. A melodious ‘ping’ rung out behind him indicating an incoming transmission across the holo-band followed by several more ‘pings’ in rapid succession. He spun around in his chair slowly taking a long drag on his cigarette and asked, “Shepard, have you acquired the Reaper technology to pass through the Omega-4 relay?”

The holo-band form materialized to reveal a man and woman half-naked, a tangle of arms and legs spread across the transmission control desk of the Normandy. “Aye, Moneypenny, aye!” Bond said smoothly, his eyes closed pants around his ankles and holding a scotch. “Miranda!” the woman cooed from underneath him, “My name is Miranda.” “Well then lassie, you certainly have made a tempest in my teacup.”

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS MIRANDA!” The Illusive Man roared. “Where is Shepard?” “Shepard?” Bond said continuing his efforts, “That namby-pamby gent who was banging on the door of the ship crying that it was his? We left him whimpering on the Citadel dock”

“James…” Tali knocked on the door, “I am ready for you.” “One moment lass” he said looking down at Miranda, “I am currently in the middle of something.”

“People, please. What is the status of acquiring the Reaper technology?” the Illusive Man said impatiently. “We did that already lad.” “Already did that? Did you pass through the Omega-4 relay?” Bond nodded with a smile. “What of the station?” the Illusive Man spat out. “We blew it up,” Miranda said smiling at Bond, “thoroughly.” “That was critical to defending humanity against the Reapers!” Bond waved his hand, “oh, we took care of that too.” “You took care of the Reapers? What? How?” Bond looked up at the Illusive Man, “oh, Macgyver redirected all energy of our Death Star into a tractor beam and Wash angled the trajectory of a meteor towards the incoming Reaper fleet. We estimate that most of their ships will be destroyed.”

The Illusive Man blinked. Twice. “Ah, well, well done then.” Breathing deep and composing himself he began, “I have another mission for you, Ronald McDon…” Bond shuddered for a moment and then relaxed, “never you mind about that…we took care of it.” The Illusive Man leaned back nonplussed almost not able to utter, “how?” “The Operative handled it. He has been bored for a little while, not entirely utilized. He dispatched them and freed the McDonald with time leftover for tea.”

“Right, well. Check in later when you are, er…done” the Illusive Man said averting his eyes and with a click disappeared. Bond looked down at Miranda and kissed her lightly on the lips. Clearing his throat he called out, “Tali, we are ready for you now.” Miranda pulled herself up and embraced Bond saying, “Do you think the Reapers will see this coming?. “Lass,” he began, “they will never see this coming.”

Special powers? Definitely.

I am posting this before reading anyones solutions, so hopefully this comes out to be the first.

Peace Conference High Security Officers Solai and Frakkintalos have briefed Team Dyno-Mite on the situation and give the keys to the mission vehicle to Han. T’pol begins a spot check and after looking over the ship and Mako support vehicle and finding them worthy tell the team it is time. The team load up into the Normandy and set off to intercept the meteor.

After coming out of fast than light speed, the meteor is directly in front to the ship. T’pol begins taking reading on the meteor’s composition, speed and trajectory. The readings are not flattering, at its present speed and trajectory, the meteor will miss the planet where the conference is being held by millions of miles and will take 3 weeks to get to where it was suppose to go.

Tpol: Someone has to be very unintelligent to miss that badly. From my readings, I have pinpointed the origin of the meteor gun. Set a course for the Vega System.

Upon arriving in the Vega System, the Normandy’s IES system is engaged and Han pilots the ship towards what appears to be a giant mass of metal. Using his best maneuver of listing lazily to the left, Han is able to fly the ship towards a docking port. As the team breaches to docking port, inside are people wearing large spherical helmets on their heads.

Kaylee: Spaceballs! Oh $hit, there goes the peace conference.

As the Spaceballs go about their daily jobs like nothing has happened, Team Dyno-Mite makes their way to the bridge. At the command post, a man stands with his back to our heroes. The team get out of Ironhide and approach the command post, Ironhide transforms and provides a defensive fire position.

Han: Ok buddy turn around slowly I have you right in my sights, who are you?

I am Major @$$hole, I have command of this ship. Why are you here?

T’pol: You fired a meteor from this ship to destroy the peace conference, we have come to finish our job. Tell us where the McDonald is and we shall let you all live.

Major: He is with my superiors and you will never get the location from me.

Kaylee: Oh really, either you tell us their location or we shall have our pilot here put on his girlfriend’s favorite bikini.

Major: Okay I will tell you, just have him stop disrobing. They have the McDonald on Planet Druidia.

The team rushes back to the Normandy and takes off for Planet Druidia. Seeing that the Spaceballs could not hit the broadside of a barn, the team decided against blowing up the ship. After disengaging the EIS and cruising towards their next objective, the team has a quiet moment to recharge their batteries before rescuing the MacDonald.

Upon arriving at Planet Druidia, the ships sensors pick up the presence of a security shield around the planet. At the entry gate, a 5 digit combination code is required for access. T’pol having a great mind for codes starts doing computations for possible matches. Kaylee and Han look at each other and share a knowing smile.

Han: T’pol, seeing how bright the last folks we dealt with are, why don’t we try something more simple.
Computer send the following number sequence.

Code 12345 accepted, Welcome to Druidia and have a nice time while you are here.

Team Dyno-Mite lands the ship at a report space dock and T’pol, Han and Kaylee get into the Mako with Ironhide following in Truck mode. The team heads for the Royal Palace to see if the local hierarchy can help out. As the Mako approaches the moat, a large explosion destroys the draw bridge. Across the moat, three cloaked figures stand in front of a seated man with a bag over his head. Han backs the Mako up for a good run at the moat. As he reaches the edge of the moat he fires the propulsion jets to jump the distance. As the vehicle lands on the other side of the moat, the team jump out of the Mako ready to fight the cloaked figures.

The Cloaked figures begin revealing themselves to our heroes. The first being a older gentleman in a white suit, the second being a little girl with red pigtails and the third wearing a crown.

The King: We demand that the Peace Conference serve our nuggets or we kill the MacDonald.

Colonel Sanders: My secret spices will keep them more calm that his Nuggets.

Wendy: Give us what we want or I will cut the Macdonald’s throat with this plastic knife.

The team jumps into action, Kaylee rushes Wendy and knocks her down and begins pulling her pigtails until she submits. Han bounds at the Colonel, but misses. The old man moves surprisingly fast and throws chicken finger darts at Han. But Han is skilled in the art of Chicken finger defense and eats the fingers before they strike. The Colonel is impressed and finds Han too good to defeat and submits. T’pol is left with The King and his ability to throw flaming burgers out of nowhere. Using all the speed in avoiding the flying patties, she is able to get behind The King and subdue him with little effort.

Ironhide: The MacDonald, we are here to get you to the Peace conference. Are you prepared to save the universe?

The MacDonald: I am, but do you want fries with that order?

Team Dyno-Mite along with The MacDonald and the prisoners head back to the Peace Conference to complete the mission. As the Normandy docks back at the Peace Conference space dock, High Security officers Solai and Frakkintalos take The King, Wendy and Colonel Sanders into custody. The MacDonald is rushed to the serving lines to do his magic and save the Universe for all time.

Thanks Team Dyno-Mite

Team Morally Ambiguous
Pilot: Tom Paris
Tech: Topher Brink
Recon: Gollum
Martial Artist: Faith Lehane

After the mission briefing, Tom was the first one to say anything. “OMC, guys, I know this one!”

Faith and Topher gave him a weird look (Gollum was playing with his precious). “Seriously. I know how to beat this one. It was on one of my favorites; ever hear of a little show called ‘Farscape’?”…


Tom, having realized that this mission bore a striking resemblance to one of his favorite episodes of “Farscape,” concocted a plan based on a third season episode.

At Topher’s insistence, the team used the Dollhouse technology to download the show into their memories (Gollum chose to play with his precious instead).

“So Topher, did you cry when [redacted] died?”

“Tom, like a little boy. You?”

“Yeah.”

After his crying was completed, Topher went down to the lab and studied the meteor, and to his delight, he found the signal the meteor was following (and that the homing beacon was somewhere near the peace conference headquarters on Eden Prime). Using the same frequency, he created a device (disguised as a watch) that would beep into an earpiece the closer the wearer got to the beacon.

Faith put on the watch and wandered on the conference grounds, listening to the beeps, until the beeping started thudding in her ears, and she came face to face with an unassuming stranger.

Realizing the beacon must be inside this man, she smiled at him and deployed her greatest weapon (“An ‘I think I love you’ gets ‘em every time guys”). She led him to a hotel room, where she promptly knocked him out with a “goodnight kiss.”

Faith stashed the beacon man in a sleeper pod on the ship; after a quick background check on their radical (but cute) insurgent, she found an address in the warehouse district that was likely where Mr. The McDonald was being held prisoner.

With Gollum as her backup, she found the warehouse, a shady looking warehouse if she’d ever seen one. Gollum, with his precious on his finger, snuck in through a window and confirmed that Mr. The McDonald was indeed being held in the second floor office of the building. Unfortunately, he was held in a room with a keypad lock, and the ground floor was filled with shady looking nogoodniks.

Faith went in first, tossing the scallywags and scoundrels about until they were out cold in a heap. During the kerfuffle, a new figure had appeared, a portly man wearing a mask and a monochrome striped sweater.

“The Hamburglar? You’re behind this?”

“That’s Monsieur Le Hamburglar!”

He moved toward Faith, hand outstretched, looking for her to attack him. Faith dropped to the floor, and with one roundhouse, had the villain on the ground. She crouched over him, and with jazz hands at her side, she performed the most dastardly move of them all: tickle torture.

Monsieur Le Hamburglar held out for 30 seconds, 45 max, before he divulged the keypad combination and Mr. The McDonald was saved.

But Monsieur Le Hamburglar would not go quietly. “It doesn’t matter what you do to me,” he gloated. “The meteor will still destroy peace, and the nuggets will be MINE!”


Tom and Topher prepped the sleeper pod for a deep sleep in the airlock. Tom ran up to the command deck and steered the Normandy toward a cluster far away from Eden Prime (and anything else). Once they were in position, Tom gave Topher the signal, and Topher opened the airlock, jettisoning the beacon man into space…and shifting the meteor a full 90 degrees away from the planet and its precious inhabitants.

For extra measure (and a bonus), the Normandy followed the meteor’s course back to its starting point…a barren land where the touch of Mr. The McDonald has never been felt.

After collecting the meteor gun from the frightened locals (the Normandy’s weapons were quite persuasive in this matter), Tom and Topher convinced Mr. The McDonald to open a shop here too, to bring peace and enlightenment (and cultural imperialism) to Monsieur Le Hamburglar’s world after the conference, to show there were no hard feelings. He was happy to oblige.

Mission accomplished.

Lucius: [FONT=Century Gothic]Wait, wait… replay the security footage again. I think I heard something in the background. Computer, isolate the background audio track, enable noise reduction and enhance the playback.[/FONT]

The computer pauses briefly to process the instructions and promptly plays the results… [static] “Robble, Robble…”

Lucius: [FONT=Century Gothic]Did you hear it? Computer, what language is that? Run it through the Codex. Can you find a match?[/FONT]

The large viewscreen quickly sifts through a vast number of pictures of alien races and stops on a picture of a man wearing black and white striped clothing, red gloves, a black eyemask and a wide brimmed hat.

Computer: [FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]McDonald and all the denizens of McDonaldLand were once the stewards of happiness, good will and trans-fats for all of the galaxy. That all ended with the Franchise Wars. Taco Bell won and the McDonaldLand Gang was torn apart by internal strife, all but Ronald gave up their stated mission and went in to seclusion. Ronald took up the mantle and has been more popular than ever since he introduced his fried chicken-esque nuggets to the galaxy. There have been rumors that Mayor McCheese and Grimace were rallying supporters to enact their revenge on Ronald.[/FONT]

Lucius: [FONT=Century Gothic]Trinity, take us to McDonaldLand. I’ll start working on the meteor problem.[/FONT]

Trinity pilots the Normandy to the very small, colorful planet. A scan reveals a large crowd gathered outside of Mayor McCheese’s mansion. They intercept a live news feed of the event:

The viewscreen switches over to a picture of the Mayor McCheese standing next to Ronald who has been strapped to a table and is having a Super Size Strawberry McShake poured over his face. The Mayor is addressing a crowd of red, yellow and blue pom-poms with large eyes and sneakers. Flanking the Mayor are Grimace and the Hamburglar who are listening to the Mayor anxiously.

McCheese: [FONT=Comic Sans MS]No longer will we sit idly by as this clown steals from us. The galaxy has forgotten about us. They don’t care about our plight.[/FONT]

The crowd responds with a cacophony of high pitched squeals.

Hamburglar: Robble!

Cyber Ninja: [FONT=Fixedsys]Normally, I would propose a more subtle approach, but time is a factor.[/FONT]

Leroy: Surely, we can find a peaceful solution.

Trinity: Can it, Chopsticks. That clown is our best chance at ending a galactic war.

Trinity sets a course that will take the Normandy right over the Mayor’s Mansion. Leroy, Cyber Ninja and Trinity enter the Mako and are dropped right over the Mansion. The Mako lands at the edge of the crowd and skids through it. Knocking the luckier Fry Kids out of the way and sending the less fortunate ones to the Big Fryer in the Sky. The Mako comes to a stop at the edge of the stage and Cyber Ninja points the mounted mass accelerator at the Mayor.

Trinity: We’ll be taking back McDonald now.

Grimace, Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese are caught completely off guard and put their hands up quickly. Leroy jumps out and releases McDonald.

McCheese: You don’t understand. You don’t know what you’re doing!

Hamburglar: Robble, robble!

Out of nowhere, Ronald pulls a rock-hard hamburger patty out of his pocket and throws it like a shuriken. It slices the necks of the three McDonaldLand “villains” and they fall to their knees clutching their throats.

McDonald: Run, You Idiots! They’ll have reinforcements here in no time and they’ll make the Milkshake Boarding look like Patty-Cake.

Trinity: You heard, the clown! Get in!

Trinity steers the Mako towards the Gates but it has been barricaded by what looks to be two large hashbrown patties.

Leroy: It’s too narrow. We’ll never make it.

Trinity: Link, I need an M32 Mako Terrain Navigation program ASAP!

Leroy: Who are you talking to?

Trinity doesn’t respond. But suddenly, right as they get up to the obstruction, she jerks the wheel and the entire left side of the Mako lurches into the air the vehicle lands on it’s right side between the two giant hashbrowns.

Cyber Ninja: Perhaps you should have Lucius debug that program.

Trinity fires the boosters of the Mako and inexplicably the Mako pushes through the gap and rights itself. They continue to a clearing between the Hamburger Patch and the Milkshake Volcanos where they rendezvoused with the Normandy.

To Be Continued… (Sorry I ran out of time)

For what it’s worth, I didn’t see Albatross’ solution until after I posted mine.

I hear you. Same thing happened to me in the last challenge. Good luck, my fellow hive-minder! :slight_smile:

“I’m Loving It” Deathblossoms, Quickenings, Secret Sauce on a sesame seed bun!

The Normandy emerged from the aritificial rift and as it transitioned to normal space its hull groaned like a Hutt trying Pilates. Fox winced at the sounds the old craft made as she struggled to point it in the direction of the oncoming meteor, “Who did you get this hunk of junk from again? It handles like a shopping cart.” Seltzer chuckled in the copilot’s seat, “Zorg, he needed us to use a ship that could not be traced back to him,” he spread his hands wide indicating the ship around them, “hence this rebuilt ship he acquired from a salvage operation.” After obliterating the meteor Fox turned the loudly complaining vessel in the direction of the meteors origin, “I have multiple incoming objects.” Seltzer nodded, “That is to be expected, the Hanar do not want any nonbelievers on the planet.” Fox cursed under her breath as she primed the weapon system; and then had to kick it to restart it again, “So they want to destroy all life on the surface? Trust a religious fanatic to desire total genocide.” Seltzer chuckled and then continued as the oncoming meteors were destroyed, “Well of course they could not have their own hands dirtied doing such a thing so they hired some mercenaries do it for them…” Fox shot him a look, “Anyone we know?” The Professor stretched leisurely, “Just some outcast royalty trying to fund an uprising and return to power.” His stretch ended poorly as the chair uncoupled from the floor and he fell ungracefully to the deck, “I am going to have a talk with Zorg when we get back…”

As they neared the coordinates Fox launched the new decoys and anti fighter drones the Professor had added in preperation, a huge warship awaited them with a massive fighter escort. Fox cursed and hoped the Professors upgrades were enough to withstand this many enemies. The Capitol ship hailed them and attempted to warn them off, “Incoming task force, veer off or face the wrath of Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada!” Fox snorted with laughter, and the Professor giggled, “Wow, who writes their dialogue…?” A menacing alien face appeared on the screen, “This is your last chance, leave now,” a targeting reticule swung over one eye dramatically as he finished, “or die!” The Professor giggled and clapped his hands excitedly, “My my, how utterly dramatic. Did you rehearse that?” The alien growled and glowered at him, Fox tapped the screen to get his attention. “Yo, jerky face. How are you at sign language?” She held her middle finger against the screen proudly and stuck out her tongue, the response was as expected. “Then die,” another reticule swung over to cover his other eye as he menacingly added, “bitch!” And the screen went dead with a loud pop, and the ship began to creak like a Hillbillies front porch during a NASCAR party as it accelerated to attack speed. The Professor scratched his head and smirked, “Won’t he trip over things with both eyes covered like that?”


As the Mako tore across the terrain making use of the compounds dead spot in their sensor array Hitgirl rubbed her temples as if in pain, “OK, let me see if I have this right. Zorg wants the two factions the Montague’s and the Capulet’s to fight so he can sell weapons to both sides.” Wesley nodded and she continued, “And this McDonald dude who was negotiating a peace, works for Weyland-Yutani. And in exchange for a peaceful solution to this war they would be granted full access to the Prothean ruins and underground power sources.” Wesley nodded, “Right, but Zorg wants access to those ruins. And in order to do so he needs to discredit Weyland-Yutani.” Hitgirl sighed, “And in order to do that we are supposed to switch the clown with this guy,” she pointed to the featureless man in the backseat. Wesley nodded again, “Exactly, the doppelganger will replace him and play the two sides against each other thereby creating a massive scandal.” Hitgirl blew out a breath and shook her head, “And Zorg bargains with the winning side for rights to the alien tech hidden beneath the ruins,… nice guy.”

Once in position Wesley went to create a major diversion and chaos among the Capulet compound while Hitgirl took care of the rear guards and escorted the Doppelganger around the back. As the sound of battle erupted in the courtyard and drew forces from other areas Hitgirl snuck deep inside the main mansion where Ronald was being held and silently dispatched any guards she encountered. Once she breached the cell where the clown who smelled like french fries and apple turnovers was imprisoned the Doppleganger shot the clown with a silenced pistol. He then reached down and firmly clasped the body which seemed laden with saturated fats and sodium. The features of the mimic changed as did his bodies form and height, even his eyes changed, and no doubt his voice as well. Hitgirl imagined once he finally released the body his DNA was now identical to that of the dead clown, as well as his high cholesterol. The Doppelganger staggered clutching his head in pain and confusion dropping his duffle bag, the clown suit tumbled out onto the floor. Hitgirl asked, “What is wrong?” The mimic rasped, “I feel strange very strange, there is something wrong here, this is no mere human…”

Just then the supposedly dead clown awoke with a start, gasping as if waking from a nightmare. The clown rose to his feet and looked at the Doppelganger, “There can be only one.” Hitgirl looked at the blood soaked clown, “Who are you?” “I am Ronald of the clan McDonald, an immortal who has walked the Earth lo these many centuries.” Hitgirl shrugged, “Well…that would explain why you have never aged after so many decades of commercials…” The Doppelganger pointed at the clown, “You have to cut off his head to kill him, it is the only way!” Hitgirl smiled, “Really?” The Doppelganger would have nodded in response, … if he still had a head attached. But Hitgirl had removed it in one clean stroke of her katana, but what happened next was completely unexpected. Lightening erupted from the falling body, filling the room with light and the smell of ozone and levitating the clown off of the floor. Hitgirl murmured, “That is some Secret Sauce…” He roared with pain and joy as power flooded into him from the dead mimic When he finally settled back to the floor and the light show was over; he shakily rose to his feet, shook his head as if to clear it, blew out a violent breath and smiled, “Now that! Is a Happy Meal!”


Hitgirl sat back aboard the battle scarred Normany infinately pleased with the fact that her team members were completely unaware that the Ronald McDonald that they had sent back to the Golden Arched Embassy was the real one and not the Doppelganger. She considered it her first act of redemption, her first attempt to restore her Karma, and her first act of revenge against these dirtbags.

Wesley leaned against the rattling tactical station, “Is this thing going to hold together all the way back to our rendezvous point?” Seltzer shrugged, “I think so, though it has been through a lot. And I told you it will be another month or so before I can open a portal large enough to reclaim our ships from the base we had had on our home planets moon.” Wesley scowled, “It sucks losing that base, but at least our staff got off safely. I just hope their supplies last long enough for the rescue.” Seltzer nodded, “Don’t worry; they transferred as much as they could from the base to their ships. And they are taking position near where the Earth’s orbit used to be, a----“ A loud wet BRRAAAPPPP cut loose, and the Professor blushed.

Fox waved a hand in front of her face, “Nice Death Blossom Professor!” He meekly smiled, “Sorry, it must be the Penne Arrabbiata…” Wesley held his nose and waved the other hand, “That is the last time we eat at that Death Star.”

Pilot- FOX (Wanted, comics)
Recon- Wesley (Wanted, comics)
Tech- Professor Seltzer (Wanted, Comics)
Martial Artist- Hitgirl (Movie)

Having never played Mass Effect, I hope the Wiki article goes over the capabilities of it and it’s rover…

There’s probably a link to the Mako’s page on there, but sufficed to say that it can handle slopes up to 89 degrees :stuck_out_tongue:

Team NERD
Challenge 4: The Horns of a Dilemma

[i]

“…Good Luck.”
[/i]
[General O’Hara’s image blinks out on the conference room screen]

CHUCK: This sounds interesting. I fancy a ten piece McNugget meal.

HONOR: Chuck, do you want to lead the Ground Ops team with the Mako? I have no idea what a McDonald is.

CHUCK: Sounds awesome!

BEN: Shotgun.

HONOR: Sheldon, you’re with me then. I need you to get the specs for the Normandy pulled and I’ll meet you in the Map Room. You and I need to find out where the meteor originated. Blowing it out of space should be easy enough, but I want to destroy that meteor gun.

SHELDON: This mission is rediculous! A meteor refers to the flash of light caused by the debris, not the debris itself. It would have to be a meteoroid, but I don’t see how that could be life threatening . A meteoroid is a –

CHUCK: A very small irritating object somewhere near Uranus?

SHELDON: No! A piece of interplanetary matter that is smaller than a kilometer and is frequently only millimeters in size. Most meteoroids are so small that they burn up in the atmosphere before they can do any damage. If General O’Hara is correct in calling it a meteor, and it’s big enough to do any damage, we are already too late to stop it. Now if General O’Hara is incorrect and it’s actually not a meteor, say an asteroid or a rogue comet…(Sheldon continues to speak as the rest of the team file out of the conference room. Nimitz looks up at Honor, points at Sheldon, then puts his true hands over his ears and bleeks miserably as he walks out the door.)

Insert montage of Team NERD working on upgrading the Normandy and the Mako set to “Montage” from Team America: World Police. [“Ooh, it takes a montage / Show a lot of things happening at once / Remind everyone of what’s gone on / In every shot, show a little improvement / To show it all
would take too long / That’s called a montage…”
]

Honor pilots the Normandy on an intersect course with with the meteor (or whatever it is) and vaporizes it into space dust before dropping the Mako off in Eden Prime’s atmosphere. She then sets a course for Vogsphere, the planet that Sheldon calculated as the most likely to have shot the meteor at them in the first place.

Meanwhile on Eden Prime, Chuck and Ben locate The McDonald in an old abandoned building. They crash through the front doors and Chuck jumps out and goes in search of The McDonald. Ben gleefully runs people over and pretty much causes as much damage as he can. Chuck finds McDonald on the third floor hung from the ceiling over a large fire pit. His captors call themselves The Kings Men and like to wear little paper crowns on their giant plastic heads. After Chuck finally stops laughing his ass off, he Kung-Fu’s his way through The Kings Men, and before he is able to free McDonald, encounters the Burger King himself.

Chuck and Burger King fight to the death. The King has a height and weight advantage, but he is severely top heavy. Chuck roundhouse kicks King in the face, causing him to fall backward into the flaming pit. Chuck then frees McDonald and they make their way back to the Mako. Ben, Chuck, and McDonald head to the Peace Summit for the Grand Opening.

Back on the Normandy, Honor and Sheldon reach Vogsphere where they encounter the Vogons, a rather nasty bureaucratic alien race. After much gnashing of teeth, signing triplicate paperwork, and enduring the most horrific poetry slam ever, they finally get some answers from Constant Moan, one of the local Vogons.

CONSTANT MOAN: ‘The Burger King’ paid for a Meteor Gun to be built and fired at Eden Prime on the day of McDonalds grand opening.

SHELDON: But why does the paperwork here say ‘Meatier Gun’, not ‘Meteor Gun’?

CONSTANT MOAN: We thought that was weird too. Resistance is useless!!!