Lol!!! ok that was funny…heh, been giggling about that for an hour. Picturing a pouty/huffy Preditor.
Team Camera Obscura - Aces and Billiards - Part 1
The briefing had come down. With the Sun slowly being moved to Epsilon Indi, Team Camera Obscura stared at each other speechless, with one exception. “It’s impossible” said Nemo. “The time it will take to board the Guild high-liners isn’t sufficient before the world freezes over, much less finding a suitable planet and negotiating settlement rights for 5 billion souls.” Friday stared at Nemo, disbelieving that any sentiment of defeat could come from one who had mastered the sea.
“What other choice do we have Nemo. If we start now, we can perhaps resettle half the human race. That is better than nothing.” Friday said. A moment of resignation hung between them all. “Extinction would be preferable my dear skin job.” Lazarus smirked as he said this. He always knew that Friday hated being reminded that she was artificial. Angrily she retorted “Lazarus you are impossible!”
"Tell me, when they designed you in that test tube, which Playboy bunny did they model you on dear?"quipped Lazarus in response.
As Friday stewed, Lee spoke up “What exactly do you believe we should do Mr. Smith?”
“Ahhh always to the point Lee. Well what I believe Is that we’ve already found the perfect planet.” answered Lazarus. Lee was perhaps the only person to whom he would respond when using his actual name.
“And where might this planet be oh Lord of Misogynists?” asked Friday.
“You know, one day I should tell you the story of when I walked in on my Mother having sex with me when I was six…” Lazarus said, just as Nemo, finally having enough of the two arguing bellowed out “Please get to matter at hand Lazarus! Time is a commodity we cannot waste!”
“Of course your Highness. I say we have no need to look for a new world, as we already have the perfect one closely available” pronounced Lazarus.
“And where exactly is this perfect world Lazarus?” Friday asked, her ire rising with each statement from head of the Howard Families.
“We are standing on it.” the irony of his Southern drawl not lost on his teammates. As they stared with disbelief at him, Friday threw up her hands.
“And how exactly is the human race suppose to survive without the Sun Lazarus?!?!?!” an exasperated Friday howled.
“Simple. We are going to steal it back.”
The silence was stifling, but slowly a smile appeared across Nemo’s face. Soon he was bellowing with laughter “I like this idea, but is it possible! What say you Lee?”
“Anything is possible. We must simply flow like the water” said Lee.
“You’re all lunatics, and I’m the biggest lunatic just to listen to this” Friday said, just as the cat knocked over the last of the cinnamon. “Oh Pixel! I was going to use that on my oatmeal!”
“Don’t worry dear, I’ll get that back too” Lazarus said with the confidence of a lion.
“No plan is to grand for you is it Lazarus?” she said, picking up Pixel.
Lazarus smiled as he walked to the library, “As I’ve always said, Moderation is for Monks!”
Continued in Part 2!
This is my story for this week. Not really fleshed out as I would like as I’m prepping for a camping trip…
In the manner of an 80’s cartoon theme tune
<intro - guitar/drum riff>
They travel among the stars
In the starship of Imagination
Looking for a new home
from Earth to a new destination
There’s Reed Richards, a brillant mind
Forge, one of those mutant kind
Xander is an extreme sports spy
And Riddick, a fierce Fruyan, not a nice guy
Find a new home, they must
for the human race, their lives in trust
For one day, they will find
Earth 2, a home for human kind.
<outro - heavy guitar 80’s solo>
The scene opens with Riddick on Earth; Xander is in the kitchen baking and reading a book about Joseph Campbell and his theory of Monomyth. Reed and Forge are discussing the plans to evacuate the earth.
Riddick is actually enjoying himself on Earth due to the darkness; he’s running around putting his eyeshine to work. He’s going from house to house, handing out tickets and ensuring that everyone is lining up in an orderly fashion so that they can leave the earth. He’s also handing out twenty menthol Kools to people as a free gift.
Xander is in the kitchen on the Starship baking all kinds of cinnamon goodness, ranging from cinnamon rolls, cinnamon cookies and his favourite, cinnamon soup. He’s wearing red underpants reminiscent of the kind that was present in a certain sand based movie and he’s also wearing an apron with the words, “Whoever controls the cinnamon based goodies controls the universe”.
Reed Richards and Forge are on the observation deck discussing the problem.
Forge: So we tried to give the space guild the payment of cinnamon, but as soon as they tried to swim in it, it burnt their eyes, give them bad indigestion and they ended up folding space into a giant swan and gave up. So now it’s up to us. Oh and the dolphins have left the building…AGAIN…
Reed Richards: So have we thought of any planets that we can go to?
Forge: Well I did get a list of planets that we could look at. In order, there was a planet called G889, but there were some weird humanoid creatures with sticks that burrowed into the earth. I think they were called Gethlins. Didn’t like the look of that place.
“Then there was celestial body 2064K, but there were some beings called Chigs who didn’t like the look of us, so they told us to Frak off.”
“Then there was a planet with a giant space jockey and some open eggs, but since time was short, we just moved on with our survey.”
“There was an interesting planet that was named Rakis, but it seemed overcrowded and there were some weird chicks on there, that seemed too high maintenance and they were chanting some weird liteany .So again, we moved on.”
“So in short, no…we don’t have any place to go; we just have to keep searching”
Xander comes in, with the tray of goodies and shares it out between the rest of the group
Xander: I was on the 91340001 deck and noticed that there was a button labelled ‘Planet Terraforming Device’…Can we do anything with that? I also noticed it was next to another button that said, “Sun Reigniting device”, but it had a sign next to it saying ‘Out of Order’. Go figure…
Forge/Reed: Well, the bomb, if I remember correctly can terraform a planet with the blueprint of what ever you want to imagine.
Riddick (who has just convenitly come back from his duties) - So let’s just think of a nice planet that filled with forests, waterfalls, and amazon warrior women with leather skirts and red hair.
All: That’s not a bad idea…
Xander: How about a planet of Junk, I’ll fit right in there!
Rest: No!!!
So our intrepid heroes begin to loading the earthlings. They lift off in the starship of imagination and travel the stars looking for a place to call home.
Tune in next week on Fox (As long as we’re not cancelled) for the next instalment!
<Theme tune begins>
The Nazgul king looked up and saw the sun vanish, just as he felt the one ring’s presence leave the atmosphere again. “Boys, I’m sitting this one out. I’m going to go hang out by the volcano. Feel free to join me”
“Who knew you could screw up that much in just one hand of poker?” Faith asked, as she handed out the mission details to her team.
“Can’t say I’ll miss sunshine that much,” Topher said, “but man, this looks like a tough one. We’re getting paid double, I assume?”
“Triple,” Faith said. “To the ship, team!”
One day later, shivering from the lack of warmth on their home planet, Team Morally Ambiguous climbed into the Starship of the Imagination to head off on their toughest mission yet. After a brief period of thawing out, Topher headed to the command station and began digging around the controls.
“Hey runt, what are you doing to my ship?” Tom Paris asked before sitting in the pilot’s chair.
“I’m improving it.” Topher pulled a bundle out of his backpack, along with a thermos and some basic plugs. Faith had wandered over at their raised voices.
“I was tinkering in my workshop last night, and I stumbled upon this idea – the Infinite Impossibility Drive!”
“Don’t you mean the Infinite Improbability Drive, the copyrighted concept from --” Tom was interrupted by Topher’s quick jump up from the ground.
“No, no, my flyboy friend. That dealt with improbabilities, but see, we’re dealing with impossibilities. We are impossible, this ship, this mission, this team – all impossible. Even our universe is impossible, which means that if everything is impossible, then everything is POSSIBLE!”
Even Gollum was giving him a funny look by now.
Topher sighed, then got back down on the floor. “OK, I could spend an eternity explaining how I put this together, using extensive technobabble and whiteboard markers…but the short version is that this ship runs on imagination…and we all kind of lack that, being impossible and all. So, we give the ship the ability to imagine the impossible, and soon we’ll be done and wealthy on our new home. OK?”
They nodded, still confused, as Topher hooked the drive up to the ship’s computer. After dangling the extra plugs into his coffee thermos while leaving the other one dry (“The plugs are in coffee and no coffee at the same. It’s impossible!” Topher exclaimed. “The last thing you need is more coffee,” Faith replied).
With everything set up, and one shiny button to push, Topher gave the honor of the first push to Faith.
So far, the drive wasn’t going well. They had seen many impossible things – a world with only shrimp (“I’ve heard of this place!” Faith said), a paradise world with an iron-fist concept of (ST:TNG) “Justice” (“And bad '80s hair,” Tom sighed) and a world where the monkeys were in charge and humans were slaves (only Gollum wanted to stay there).
Everyone’s nerves were frazzled when Topher declared that if he wasn’t successful in the next 24 hours, he would remove the drive and try his imagination instead.
On the 117th try (116 had briefly turned the ship into a telephone; it was not comfortable for any of them), they arrived at a planet, a blue and green orb alone in the system.
A quick scan showed life signs, a few cities and a blinking welcome sign.
“So, Planet Bob,” Tom said. “I suppose it’s worth a try.”
Tom “imagined” the ship flying into the planet’s atmosphere, and it followed his mind, finding the location of the welcome sign and safely landing the crew.
“Whew!” Tom screamed. “I really can fly anything!!!”
He jumped out of his seat and high-fived the air; his shipmates were not impressed.
“Anyway,” Faith said, “Let’s get to business. This looks like our best bet, but we know how that’s gone before. Vulcan looked like a good place, but then, you know…Vulcans.”
Everyone, even Gollum, sighed in agreement.
“So, Topher, stay with the ship and figure out our coordinates to send back, just in case we get the OK.”
“Check.”
"Gollum, take your precious and go looking around. Peak where they don’t want you to see. If Morlocks, Cylons or Blast-Ended Skrewts are picking off the population, we probably shouldn’t settle here. "
“Precious.”
“Tom, you’re with me. We’re Earth’s welcoming committee; try to act cool.”
“Oh my word, people! New people!”
The locals had gathered around them, greeting them with smiles and offers for a bed for the night. One man with a slight twinge of Boston in his voice, came up to Faith and offered his hand.
“My name’s Cale. Welcome to Planet Bob”
Faith felt a twinge of recognition. “You ever do any acting, in movies maybe? Some action franchise?”
“I don’t discuss that,” Cale coughed. “Well, you folks looking to settle down here? Since our original planet Bob.1, otherwise known as Earth, exploded, we’ve been coming here, a little bit at a time. There’s plenty of room too, nice place to raise a family.”
“We’re actually scouts for our people-”
“No problem!” Cale exclaimed. “We’ve got room and supplies for at least 5 million people.”
“Well,” Faith smiled sheepishly. “We might have a bit more than that.”
Cale’s grin never faltered. “Everyone is welcome is our new paradise. Check out our rules and get back to us. We’re not going anywhere.” He handed her a sheet of paper and walked away.
Back on the ship, Gollum reported there was nothing beneath the surface, just refugees going about their lives; Topher figured out where (and more importantly, when) they were; Faith gathered them all to read the rules, a list with only five rules on it.
“Folks, I think we have found our home,” Faith said.
The Rules of Planet Bob
The U.S. Constitution will be our guiding principles of law and order; below are Planet Bob’s amendments.
- Mondays are not welcome here. The Day is now called ‘Funday,’ and it is a mandatory day off.
- Tuesdays are for working.
- Wednesdays are hump day – whatever that means to you.
- Thursday is Tiki night. Thursday will always be Tiki night.
- Fridays…do whatever’s legal day.
“Now, let’s get back and get our money!”
Okay, Sorry this is pretty long. I can’t stop once I’ve started…It stings!
With the loss of the sun, there is little time to waste. Trinity and Lucius develop an algorithm to send the starship to every star in the galaxy and scan all planets for ones that could support human life. Unfortunately, they don’t have the time to check each one for established civilizations or explore the feasibility of negotiating with the natives. Instead, the group uses a method that is much less scientific. Each name on the resulting planet list will be put on individual arrows. Cyber Ninja fires a barrage of arrows at Bruce Leroy who dodges, dips, ducks, dives and dodges the arrows until suddenly he snatches one right out of the air. Having achieved the final level and becoming a master, Leroy knows without knowing that the planet named on this arrow is the most suitable for their needs.
He turns the arrow and sees the name: Spengo Nine. Trinity steers the Starship of the Imagination towards Spengo Nine and off they go. Upon reaching the planet, they all decide that it would be best for Cyber Ninja to do some recon on his own. He returns shortly thereafter with a rather odd report.
Cyber Ninja: "[FONT=Fixedsys]Having escaped his previous megalomaniacal coup attempt with only a few carnivorous mushroom bites (See Mom and Dad Save The World[/FONT]). The Illustrious Lord Tod Spengo has conquered a second planet and again named it after himself: Spengo Nine. With their squiggly lasers guns and paradoxically advanced technology, Lord Tod and his seemingly endless army of purple spandex-clad idiot soldiers have imprisoned the indigenous natives and taken over their cities.
By all accounts, Lord Tod is completely unreasonable and a complete idiot. We will mostly likely not be able to reach a diplomatic solution with him and there is no way to take this planet by force. Even if we could organize an invasion, Lord Tod’s first act was to commission a massive death ray that would destroy any incoming ships. We were actually fortunate that our ship landed during the ribbon cutting ceremony and no one was watching the radar."
Leroy: “But the arrow specified Spengo Nine. This must be the correct planet. How could this be the best choice?”
Trinity: “Are there any rebel forces that might help us?”
Cyber Ninja: “No, Tod’s last coup was defeated by rebels. So he has literally imprisoned everyone on the planet. He has decreed that anyone not wearing a Spengo army uniform caught walking around will be imprisoned indefinitely. I have already procured uniforms for each of us.”
Lucius: “That’s great, but even if we get in, what then?”
Cyber Ninja: “Tod sees this as his best opportunity for finally finding the love of his life…”
Trinity: “No.”
Lucius: “Now wait, let’s hear him out”
Cyber Ninja: “…He has forced the women of the planet to enter a beauty contest. The winner will become his bride and the Queen of Spengo Nine (and of course any subsequent Spengos). Registration is still open.”
Trinity: “You’re kidding right? He can’t really be that stupid. What’s the catch?”
Leroy: “Well, you would need to win the pageant.”
Trinity stares angrily at Leroy: “That’s not what I meant. I’m not doing it. Can’t we just nuke the whole planet?”
Lucius: “Now hold on Trinity. This isn’t that bad.”
Trinity: “Wait, wait, wait… You can’t possible think that this is a good idea.”
The three other Team Wookiee members chuckle and nod.
Dressed in the purple spandex suits, Leroy and Lucius approach Tod’s Castle leading a bound Trinity dressed to the nines in her best leather catsuit and trenchcoat. At the gate are two soldiers at attention, one has toilet paper stuck to his foot.
Leroy:“Hey, my man… what it look like?”
Lucius: “We found another rebel. She wants to be in the beauty pageant.”
The soldiers took an uncomfortably long pause to process what they were saying, but ultimately shrugged and let them through. They entered they main hall which was lined with statues and busts. Each one had a paper mask placed over its face with the image of Tod. Discordant trumpets were starting to play. The pageant was beginning!
A long dinner table had been placed perpendicular to the stage as a makeshift catwalk and a procession of miserable looking prisoners were being marched down it. The diminuitive Lord Tod stood at the very end of the catwalk singing completely off tune.
[To the tune of the Miss America Theme]
Lord Tod: “There they are… Future Mrs. Lord Tod Spengo. Aren’t they love-llllly. Almost as lovely as meeeeeee. [stops singing] Except for that one! Take her away!”
The poor girl is lead to an exit as the door closes, they hear a blast and a Wilhelm scream.
Lord Tod: “Much better! [continues singing] I ammm sooo love-llly! I am the strongest and best lord in the wooorrrrllllldddd!!!”
The pageant proceeds, round after ridiculous round: Prisoner Wear, Evening Gowns, Chicken Suits, Charades, Swimsuits (Trinity was thrilled about this one). After each round, Spengo picked several girls to continue and the rest were lead away to the Wilhelm Scream room. Due to being one of the few contestants that was not completely disheveled and crying, Trinity had easily made it to the second to last round: the Talent competition.
She walked out on to the stage.
Lord Tod: “What will you be doing for me, Sugar Tush?”
Her eyes narrow and with a sly grin, Trinity asks for a volunteer from among the soldiers. Spengo orders a dimwitted soldier to stand before her and she jumps in the air and gives him her best flying crane kick.
Lucius [to Leroy]: “Uh oh… I think Trinity is fed up. Get ready for some action.”
Lucius pulls out a small eggplant shaped device from his belt pouch.
Leroy: “What is that?”
Lucius: “This is the most devastating weapon in Spengo’s arsenal: The Light Grenade. When a person picks this up, they evaporate.”
Leroy: “If it is so widely known, why would anyone pick it up?”
He turns it to show Leroy a sign on the grenade that says “Pick Me Up.”
Lucius: “I’ve also made a few improvements to the original design, you’ll see.”
Lord Tod [while ducking under the catwalk]: “Guards! Seize Her!!!”
And with that a massive fight breaks out, with Trinity and Leroy fighting hand-to-hand with the horde of soldiers. As the first soldier approaches Lucius, he hands him the light grenade.
Lucius: “Here you go, Friend.”
Dimwit Guard #7: “Really? For me? Awww, you shouldn’t have. Thanks!”
Lucius: “You know I didn’t really think that would work…”
As soon as the soldier disappears into a crumpled uniform on the floor, a second soldier pauses to look at the peculiar device on the floor. He approaches it inquisitively and sees the sign on it. He slowly mouthes the words, “Pick Me Up,” shrugs happily and reaches for the device…ZZZAPPP!!! The sound attracts yet another soldier and the pattern continues while Fox slowly walks away from it. After some time the number of soldiers in the hall dwindles dramatically and there sits the light grenade on top of a growing pile of uniforms.
The sound of fighting is now just limited to a few soldiers still caught in melee with Trinity and Leroy. But even they are distracted when Lucius kicks the grenade over towards them and presses a button on his remote.
Light Grenade: “Psst, hey soldier! Pick Me Up!”
The soldiers fighting Trinity and Leroy turn and are quickly dispatched in a few ZAPS!
Trinity: “This is just ridiculous… I’m mean I’m glad it’s over, but wow…”
Lord Tod suddenly jumped on top of the catwalk holding a gun that looked like it was designed by Dr. Seuss.
Lord Tod: “Freeze, Cretins! You won’t get me with that infernal device! Bow before Lord Tod The…uhhhh… Indestructible! Yes, that’s it!”
Cyber Ninja materializes behind the overzealous Spengo and quickly snaps his neck… “Enough of this sillyness. I believe we’ve found a new home.”
Upon releasing the prisoners, Lucius brokers a deal with the extremely grateful native leaders to allow all the Earthicans to emigrate to the planet formerly known as Spengo Nine.
By the way, my team is:
Pilot: Trinity (it’s fantasy sci fi, so I say she’s always in the matrix)
Tech: Lucius Fox (Good enough for Batman, Good enough for me)
Recon: Cyber Ninja (Metal Gear)
Martial Artist: Bruce Leroy Green (Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon)
So much for Global Warming…
“Fuck’ em!?!” Hitgirl screamed her eyes wide with bewilderment and horror. “This is your response to the deaths of billions of people?” She gripped the table tightly and glared at Wesley as she continued, “How can you be so God damned flippant?” Fox shook her head and snickered, “Well in case you haven’t been paying attention these last coupla months, we ain’t exactly super heroes.” Hitgirl turned to the Professor who had always been the kindest of the trio, “Professor please, they are people.” He fidgeted uncomfortably, “Even if the desire for me to help them were there, I am powerless to do anything.” He shrugged, “In one half of an hour the Guild will have finished warping the space around the sun and it will be gone, forever… And in less than an hour later every living thing on the surface of the planet will be dead, how am I to save millions of people in that kind of timeframe?”
She fell back into her seat, overwhelmed with the enormity of what was happening. She became numb with shock and almost became unaware of her surroundings; she barely even noticed the content of the conversation that went on at the table. Wesley and the Professor dryly discussed the use of the dimensional portal to begin transferring hardware and personnel from their underground base to an alternate Earth, the Professor stressed that they would be on a tight schedule because once the sun was gone. The Earth would begin to stray from its orbit and the further it wandered the harder it would be to adjust for the variance and maintain a portal. And that the moon was also a concern, as the planets began to jockey for position once the suns gravity was gone the threat of the moon colliding with the Earth rose considerably.
When she came to her senses she rose again, “You are talking about the Earth as if it were a car that had broken down, and you were just going to gather your things and go steal another one.” Seltzer smiled, “A very apt analogy my dear, well done,” he turned to Wesley, “that is a very bright apprentice you have there my boy, you should be proud.” Wesley nodded, “I am, she-“ Hitgirl slammed her hand down on the table, “How can you be so cold? This is our home, our history, the very essence of what we are… Have you no feelings at all!?” They both just looked at her with emotionless and empty eyes, it was as if they were complete strangers and she was seeing them as they really were, for the very first time. It sent a shiver up her spine.
She turned to Fox who was idly picking at the label on her beer bottle and pleaded with her, “Everything you have ever known is about to be covered in ice, no more TV shows, no more beer, no more music… All gone, forever.” She stopped picking at the label, but would not look at the spunky little girl. She tried to get through to her again, “The city where you grew up is going to be destroyed, everyone you went to school with, everyone you ever hung out with… dead.” Fox turned to her, her eyes smoldering with rage, “Good riddance,” she snarled, “I hated the f&$king ghetto, that drug ridden cesspool deserves to die!” Hitgirl’s voice softened, “Come on, you mean to tell me that there isn’t anyone you are going to miss? That there is not a single person out there you care about? Not even one?” Fox’s eyes softened as emotions and memories long buried rushed to the surface, she looked down and her gaze seemed to go distant. And just as her eyes began to moisten and well up she abruptly turned away, her voice was ragged and raw as she spat out “Damn you!” She sniffed, and rose unsteadily, her face still turned away. She ran a hand across her face, “I am not,” her voice wavered and almost broke, “having this conversation…” She grabbed her unfinished longneck beer and strode out of the room.
As she watched Fox walk away Wesley and Seltzer began discussing how to defend the base against attack from rival factions and super villains desperate to use the dimensional portal to escape. She watched them for awhile, calmly discussing how to evacuate her dying world, it was like a bad dream. Her voice cracked, “You…” They stopped and turned their heads toward her as she fought to get her breath, “You.” Their eyes were cold and uncaring as they watched her try to gather her wits, “ARE MONSTERS!” Tears ran down her face and she collapsed into her chair, sobbing into her hands uncontrollably.
She could not remember how long she cried before she heard the voice, a voice that was so filled with menace that it terrified her. “Go – to – your- room.” When she looked up Wesley’s face was posessed with cold smoldering anger. The Professor smiled in his usual Grandfatherly fashion, “I would do as the young man suggested,” as if that was all it had been, a mere… suggestion. His eyes twinkled as he continued, “Before you say something that you will, really regret.” But she saw the kindly looking expression for what it really was… A mask. A mask he wore to put people as ease, while he coldly calculated his next move, or schemed how to best kill or enslave you.
She rose silently and walked to her room, and fell onto her bed and sobbed. How had she allowed these people to use her for so long? How had she not seen them as what they truly were? Had she really been that desperate for a parental figure? It was that night, the night that her world died that she determined she would escape. When the time was right, and their guard was down, she would escape and start over. Begin a new life, far from these manipulating and scheming evil bastards.
This is the trigger event which causes the ‘OUTRO’ story on the Team Introduction Thread. Where Hitgirl escapes and starts her new life on a somewhat familiar world…
Team Hot Bitches
Not so great Solution #3: Death Star? No, Life Star!
Nausicaa: This is what happens when men are in charge.
Bulma: Yep. Men are idiots. We could go on for hours. Let’s move on. First things first. Nausicaa, you’ve got to keep Earth in some kind of stasis while we somehow figure this out.
Nausicaa: There’s not much I can do, we’re frakking floating in space with no means of sunlight! We’re free falling!"
Mami opens her mouth.
Nausicaa: “Don’t. You. Dare. Sing. Free Falling.”
Mami closes her mouth.
Hitomi: Just do what you can with your exceptional knowledge of plant and insect lifeforms, normal and mutated. They are the foundations of the eco system - so if you can keep them at bay, maybe even generate some heat with those weird mutated plants you’ve been studying or something - Earth will remain liveable for a little while even while afloat until we find ourselves a new place to live.
Nausicaa: You are right, Hitomi. I am the frakking Messiah, after all. I’ll have a chat with the bugs and see what I can do with the plants.
Bulma hooks Nausicaa’s glider onto the Starship of the Imagination (well, to help Nausicaa navigate the Earth faster and unbounded by the laws of physics), and Nausicaa zooms off in her trademark blue Messiah gown.
Bulma starts mumbling to herself: Ok, we’ve got some time. Think, Bulma, think! I do have a time machine, can we just backtrack and make sure we don’t lose the card game? Nah, I doubt those aliens who are much more technologically more advanced than humans could be tricked by time travel. I doubt they’d take too kindly to us if we cheat them either.
Hitomi and Mami stares at Bulma.
Bulma: Maybe we could just turn the human race into capsules and - (noticing the stares) WHAT? Stop staring at me, I can’t think!
Mami: Um, do you think it might be time to call in the big guns? Couldn’t we just find them dragon balls quickly with your dragon ball radar and conjure up Shenron and wish us a whole new planet to live on?
Bulma: Are you sure we want to do that? I mean, it is Fantasy SciFi League 2.0. Where’s the originality? Where’s the thoughtfulness? Where’s the teamwork if we just use dragon balls in every challenge? We’d get no votes.
Hitomi: What are you talking about? What votes? This is a serious matter concerning the entire human race, not some made up game with no real consequences! If dragon balls can solve the problem, we’d use them motherfrakkers!
Bulma: Oh, right. Sorry. I don’t know where my mind went. But anyway, let’s not use the dragon balls unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s our plan B should all else fails, all right?
Hitomi: (long pause) All right, fine. Let’s start with the basics. We can transport all the humans to another planet via a kickass spaceship. The question is, we don’t have Racetrack. How are we to find a habitable planet in the haystack that is the universe?
Bulma and Mami (and her pet alien cats, Nega and Posi) goes to work researching planets and calling up old alien friends for advice. Hitomi checks in with Nausicaa to see how she’s doing. Nausicaa is managing to keep Earth’s eco system at bay for the while - but not for long.
Bulma: OK, here’s the dealio. There aren’t a lot of habitable planets to begin with that we know of. There are even lesser habitable planets with a race who’s nice enough to take in refugees and aren’t giant worms. And as nice as the nice ones are, not one of them would risk upsetting their resources and their survival to take in 6 billion refugees. Especially since earthlings don’t have a particularly good rep in the universe. BUT…(motions to Mami)
Mami (blushes): Well, if Mohammed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed!
Hitomi: um…so…the earth is Mohammed. No wait, the new planet is Mohammed. No, wait. What?
Bulma: Never mind about Mowhatever. What Mami means is that why are we looking for a new planet to live on? We still have a relatively perfectly fine Earth right here.
Hitomi: Right. But without a sun, we have no power, and we’d freeze to death soon enough. Oooh, wait, you don’t mean -
Bulma: Yup. We lost our sun in the card game, but we didn’t lose Earth! So why are we looking for a new planet when we should really be looking for a replacement sun? By my calculations, the probability of finding us any old random yellow star is much higher than finding a planet with optimal atmosphere and environment with welcoming aliens who’d take us in.
Hitomi: But…aren’t you forgetting something? How the heck are we going to move a whole stinking star from light years away?
Bulma: That would be impossible…unless the star can move all on its own.
Nausicaa (over the earpiece): Stop speaking in riddles!
Mami: Here’s where I come in. (winks and poses at the non existent camera)
Bulma: Here’s the plan - 10 mins later - See?
Nausicaa (over the earpiece): BRILLIANT! Let’s get it on! No, not you, giant bug. Hands off my ass! Now! I am your Messiah! Stop grabbing my boobs! Back away! NOW!
Here’s what happened:
- While Nausicaa, environmental wizard, keeps Earth’s eco system balanced during these dark times, Mami, ex Darth Creamy, ex Emperor of the universe, calls in the Jedis from last week for a favor. They reluctantly agree, seeing that they do owe her, big time, for you know, saving the universe from Palpy and giving them the empire for them to run.
- The team quickly request back the ownership of the intergalactic mall that was the Death Star. The evacuated Death Star (except for the ex stormtroopers, who became workers in the mall, and are still huge fans of Mami, thus willing to do anything for her) zooms along smack dab where the Sun used to be in the Solar System in a jiffy. Bulma heads up a team of exstormtroopers to quickly reconfigure the Death Star into - you know it - a star identical to our old Sun. (…Que in lots of crazy sciencey stuff here involving packing it in, pressurizing it with all the right gases, elements, a dash of umeboshi, fusion knickknacks and whatnot…)
- Like a pie on a cooking show, the Death Star rose and expanded into Sun size and is ting miraculously well done after 30 minutes. Looks good enough to eat!
- Also like a pie on a cooking show, the earth and other planets readjusts their orbits around this new Sun in 30 minutes. Other than Uranus falling out of orbit and into a fiery explosion, all the other planets migrated back to more or less their same spots in the Solar System. Who cares about Uranus anyway?
- As usual, no one knew what happened exactly, but the humans are safe once again, the Earth is safe, the new Sun is how it was. All is good. The team made sure the government impose a ban on any human from playing any intergalactic card games forever.
- The only casualty, other than Uranus, would be Nausicaa’s.
Note: Sexual harassment is NO joke, even if it’s by a giant bug.
ETA: I’m surprised Team Solai, with Wash and The Operative, didn’t just transport everyone to Miranda. Because I totally wanted to do that, except no one on my team would have known about Miranda. 
I love everyone’s solutions so far, but Albatross’s is my favorite for now. Topher’s line of logic is impeccable.
Sean, this is such a cool challenge. It reminds me a little bit of a short story I read once by Fritz Leiber called ‘A Pail of Air’. I managed to find it online and thot I’d share it.
Hell of a concept Sean, I’ll give you that.
Between the previous solutions that made the polling, and this current mission, I’m given to believe that we have differing definitions of the phrase “Black Ops”.
Team Resistance sits this one out. There isn’t a damned thing for a UEEF Officer, two Spec Ops Infantrymen, and a dope smoking caped crusader with a predilection for dick and fart jokes to do here.
Planet Bob and Cale… I know it from somewhere but…is this from Titan A.E.?
Haha…I didn’t read Sithwith’s before writing mine…but yeah, that’s where it’s from. What better place to relocate to then New Earth?
To start, Team Dyno-Mite would like to apologize for starting the Shameless GWC plug for our solutions, even though it seems to be working. 
Team Dyno-mite has decided with this challenge to look at the worlds of our team members to find an acceptable new “Earth”. Han Solo drunkenly pilots to Starship of Imagination to the Planet Cyberton and the team found a mass of death and destruction. Unfortunately, any surviving transformers really have any need of cinnamon. The team next travels to the Planet of Corellia to find a world that was once a jewel under the old republic and Empire, but was nothing like its former self after the fall of the Empire. And they did not have enough toast to barter with for the cinnamon. The Starship of Imagination next traveled to the Planet Vulcan. Unfortunately, what they found was a black hole, T’pol showed just how depressed a Vulcan can become at this sight. Their last hope come down to a little planet in the middle of nowhere called Miranda. They find the neighbors a little restless but the real estate is all furnished and move in ready.
When one of the neighbors decided to stop by to get a feel for the visitors, T’pol was able to subdue this very aggressive person and perform a mind meld on him to find out his true intentions. As it turns out, the reason he and his fellow neighbors are overly aggressive is because of a lack of cinnamon rolls. How not having a little breakfast delight could cause so much death and destruction, the universe would never know.
Upon returning to the dark and cold planet Earth, Team Dyno-Mite found the world’s foremost negotiator, Audra the Great, to conduct the purchase of Miranda. At the negotiating table, Team Dyno-Mite brought enough cinnamon rolls to calm the owners of Miranda. Under the terms of residency, the Earthlings are to setup the universe’s largest Cinnamon Roll Factory and pay a yearly property tax of cinnamon rolls to the previous owners in exchange for safe passage throughout the system. Feeling that the conditions are acceptable, the Earthlings purchased the Planet Miranda and everyone lived happily ever after.
The End???
Great minds, dude I love that there are other people who have seen this movie! It’s one of my favorites.
Team Camera Obscura - Aces and Billiards - Part 2
Following Lazarus into the library of the Nautilus, Team Camera Obscura sat down, ready to hear Lazarus’s plan.
“This plan will be in three phases. We will rely heavily on the unique abilities of the Starship Of The Imagination. Since that ship can travel to any point in the universe instantaneously, it will allow us to execute the plan I have in mind.” Lazrus’s plan would be monumental.
“Friday, you and Lee will be taken to Sirius. There you will take a shuttle, board and capture the Fleet of Worlds Klemperer drive mechanism of the Puppeteers.” started Lazarus.
“Puppeteers?” asked Lee curiously.
“Yes, Pierson’s Puppeteers to be exact. They detected that the galactic core will explode in a few billion years. So they are moving their home worlds and sun out of the galaxy.”
“Won’t they defend it at all costs Lazarus” asked Friday.
“If there are two things you can count on with Puppeteers, it is cowardice and equity in transactions. Just knock out one or two of them and they will surrender. Then tell them they can have their ship back after they help you complete your mission.”
“And what exactly is our mission Mr. Smith?” asked Lee.
“I’ll come back to that in a minute Lee. After we drop you two off, Nemo and I will travel to the galactic core.”
“And why are we going to the galactic core?” Nemo asked with a suspicious grin.
“Well your Highness, the first payment of cinnamon has yet to be made to the Guild. I’ve arranged that we should deliver it to them on the Gambler home world in Epsilon Indi. Even now the canisters are being loaded on to the Starship Of The Imagination as we speak.”
“Then again, why do we need to go to the galactic core Lazarus?” Nemo now had a sense of what Lazarus was up to.
“The canisters are empty. We will need to fill them, with the only substitute that will pass for cinnamon, the dried and ground up root of the Tree Of Life.”
“Are you insane Lazarus!” barked Friday. “Guild navigators, their transformation by melange aside, are still Human! Exposing them to the root of the Tree Of Life…”
“…Will transformer them into Pak Protectors” Nemo said finishing Friday’s statement.
“And if I recall Mr Smith, Pak Protectors will defend their species with homicidal maniacsism.”
“Correct Mr Lee. Which stands to reason they will immediately attack the Gamblers to defend the Human race.” Lazarus said. Nemo smiled broadly.
“But there won’t be enough Guild Highliners there to defeat the Gamblers Lazarus” Friday noted. Lazarus simply smiled at this.
Nemo sensing there was still one more element to this plan that would involve him, brought the conversation back on point. “You said there would be three phase Lazarus. What is the third part of the plan?”
“Ahh yes your Highness. After you drop me off at Epsilon Indi, you will need to take the Starship and travel to the Coal Sack Nebula.”
“The Moties” said Lee.
“Exactly. Moties are like space locust. While they have jump technology, they can only jump out one ship at a time due to their navigational systems.” stated Lazarus.
“And I using the Starship should be able to provide jump coordinates to all the Motie ships simultaneously” said Nemo, now warmly thinking of the level of vengeance Lazarus planned.
“That is well over 1,000 ships the Moties have Lazarus” stated Friday.
“Correct my dear, and considering Moties will fight anything in their way…”
“They will easily overwhelm the Gambler defense along with the Guild Highliners Mr. Smith”
“Correct Lee, and at the height of this chaos you and Friday will bring the icing for the cake.”
“And what icing would this be?” asked Friday.
“Sirius B. You see if there is one thing a Klemperer drive is good at is moving large masses at high speed. What I will need you to do is come out of Hyperspace with Sirius B in tow at roughly half the speed of light, then release it from the tow lattice at that speed on a collision course with Epsilon Indi.”
“You intend to use the Klemperer as a mass driver! Brilliant Lazarus!” Nemo bellowed with a high measure of satisfaction in his voice.
“Correct your Highness. In all the confusion, Lee and Friday with the help of the Puppeteers should then be able to grab the Sun into hyperspace…”
“…and drop it off exactly where it belongs.” Friday said, smiling at the devious brilliance of the plan.
“The ensuing explosion from a white dwarf colliding with their home star should eliminate the Gamblers and two sets of galactic parasites in one fell swoop. No one ever said you couldn’t mix public service with vengeance. After this no one will ever try that on the Human race again.”
“I am assuming I will recover you from the Gambler Homeworld Lazarus?” Ask Nemo.
“Yes your Highness. You can find me at the Capitol Casino playing poker.” Lazarus smiled as he said this.
The team boarded the launch from the Nautilus, the Starship of the Imagination ahead of them.
Concluded in Part 3!
anyone that has Ana on his/her team can totally pull a V in this challenge.
Driver: Toonces
Tech: Krosp
Recon: Hovercat
Martial Artist: Puss in Boots
Krosp sighed as he stared into the dark, starry day. “What a bunch of idiots. How are we going to find a new world?”
Puss in Boots looked over, “What do you mean? This isn’t a hard-SF genre story; this is a mythic hero’s quest! Returning the sun to the sky? Pure mythic. I won’t say this will be easy, but it has happened before and will happen again.”
Krosp stared at Puss as he walked over to the rest of them team, stunned by the revelation. “Four to beam up,” Puss said to the ship hovering overhead. The Ship of the Imagination has a transporter. Who knew?
Once on board, Toonces took the controls. The rest of the cats eyed each other nervously, but no one else knew how to fly the ship.
They flew off to where the sun should have been. As they got close they saw a giant dung-beetle, wearing a name tag written in Ancient Egyptian. It was playing Tetris on a Gameboy, but when it saw the ship approach quickly hid it away, somewhere.
“YOU MUST FIND A NEW SUN, HEROES,” boomed in the cats’ minds. “BRING IT HERE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO ROLL IT ACROSS THE HEAVENS.”
The cats flew off, the avoid the terrifying presence of the giant dung-beetle.
“Where are we going to find a giant flaming wad of dung?” Puss asked, still shaken from the encounter.
Meanwhile, Krosp was saying under his breath, “Happened before, will happen again…”
Both cats looked at each other, and exclaimed in joy, “The poo-barge!”
Toonces set course to the rag-tag fleet. When they got close, Toonces activated the ship’s cloaking device. Who knew? Krosp and Hovercat beamed over, and sabotaged the poo-barge’s computer enough that the crew thought the ship was going to explode and skedaddled.
Taking the poo-barge in tow; the Ship of the Imagination has a tractor beam. Who…well you know.
Soon, the cats were back near to where the cosmic dung-beetle was waiting. They gently pushed the poo-barge up next to the beetle, but it ignored it.
“Damn,” Krosp said, “It needs to be on fire. How are we…” he trailed off looking at Toonces. “Toonces, um, can you fly the poo-barge around a bit?”
They fitted Toonces with a spacesuit and beamed him onto the poo-barge. Soon Toonces was happily flying the barge around with no…wait! Look out! There is a asteroid there! Oh no! He’s crashed into it! The poo-barge bursts into flames as Toonces is thrown clear!
The dung-beetle seeing the flaming ball of, well, dung, realizes break time is over and starts to push the new sun across the heavens.
Earth is saved!
Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places
“Solutions people. We’re on a tight schedule here.” Morpheus says Grimly.
“Magrathea, perhaps? They built us a planet before” Suggests Professor Yana
“Not enough time, and we don’t have any cash on hand”
“We could turn him into the Master” Cliff gestures to Yana “Get him to build a paradox machine, We’ll send everyone back a few thousand years, live with our own grandpas for a bit.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” Yana asks confused
“Too dangerous, unpredictable” Morpheus replies.
Ravage Growls
“Perhaps Ravage, but where will we get rubber pants our size?” Morpheus Queries.
Ravage, without a good answer, frowns.
With no specific thoughts, our heroes hop into the Starship of Imagination. Pleased with such an amazing vessel, they sit down at a console and request the ship to generate a list of random, low-population post-atomic-age settled planets. Though the list is long, there are 3 choices that stand out:
The first stop is The Forest Moon of Endor. This however, is not the Endor that we’ve all grown to know and love. It is indeed quite different. Having taken place a Long time ago, The furry little Ewoks have since heavily evolved. Affected both by a culture changing invasion of their home and an unreasonably large disco-ball in the night-sky (which never seems to turn off) The Ewok culture has become a power-hungry war-faring race. Their massive Tree-ships rule the skies with an unrelenting horror, so much that even the resident family of Gorax have been forced to flee. No way could we live under that kind of Tyranny. As the Ewoks have expanded with such an aggressive attitude, our heroes decide that they must find a planet out of the way, so that when the threat arrives, we’ll be ready…
Drat
The second planet though not ideal, looks to be a functional choice. The Ood-sphere was recently left to it’s natural inhabitants, the Ood. Existing within the borders of the second Great and Bountiful Human Empire, It’s an icy planet though not outside safety limits. Our four heroes have a sit down with the Ood to see if it’s a good match. In what can only be described as an awkward speed-date with a Hive-mind, Ood-kind decides that it probably wouldn’t work out. Though the Ood seem to like everyone here (except Ravage), they’re concerned about the greater reaction of Humanity in general. They apparently think that we’ll not “accept” them and that human beings wouldn’t be comfortable living side-by-side with a species that carries a secondary brain in it’s hands. The Ood noted that it was more likely we’d subjugate them again, or worse. Also, apparently we have differing opinons on the value of Reality Television, which makes us incompatible.
Double Drat
The last planet on the list is… well, it was Alderran. We probably don’t need to cover that one.
Triple Drat
With apparently no hope in sight, Professor Yana scans the list again and again. It seems all is lost when something catches his eye. He stops on one planet at the end of the list that looks promising. “It has an odd name, but looks good.” he says.
“It’s about the right size and climate. They went through a sudden population drop when their planet was attacked by an alien force several years ago. They’re still in recovery, and from the looks of it, we’d fit right in.”
Cliff punches in the coordinates to the planet. The trip is quite quick and the planet looks absolutely gorgeous from orbit.
“It’s beautiful” Morpheus says
“Reminds me of home” Cliff states thoughtfully.
Ravage growls, All nod in agreement.
They settle down on a somewhat empty spot. One inhabitant seems to have arrived to greet them. As Professor Yana Steps out, Morpheus reads a footnote about the way the inhabitants greet newcomers. His eyes wide, he rushed out but is too late!
As Professor Yana turns around with a smile to greet his hopefully-new-neighbor the person unexpected punches him in the face knocking him out cold.
This person, looking surprisingly like Will Smith says “Welcome to Erf!”
I think I love you.
Correction: I know I love you. Hats off!
I was hoping to do more with this, but I’m running out of time and got kind of stuck. Was going to include some planet scanning and have Sarah comment on how boring it was as a Mass Effect joke (maybe even have this scenario’s reality’s version of Alex Forrest launching the probes to make it even funnier).
"What kind of idiot would bet the sun on a stupid game of poker?" Rodney asked.
"At least whoever won it didn't blow it up. That would have taken out the entire solar system," Tom commented.
"It was only…" Rodney started, before realizing that none of his team mates knew about the 5/6ths of a solar system he destroyed with Arcturus.
"So we need to find a new planet to reloacate Earth's population to. I did quite a bit of reloacation assistance after the Vong war," Mara said. "We won't be able to take much infrastructure, so we'll need a planet with a decently established one. Your people will be dependent on the planet's native population for a few decades, so it'll need to be a planet with a fairly stable government."
"Enough infrastructure for 6.5 billion people but enough room for them too. That's a tall order," Rodney pointed out. "And we'll need to be sure humans can metabolize the native plants and animals."
"I wouldn't have thought of that," Sarah replied.
"I wouldn't have either," Tom agreed. "You guys don't have replicators yet, so that would be a problem."
"What about gravity?" Sarah asked.
"Finding an exact match is unlikely, but if we say within 10% either way, that shouldn't be too hard for most people to adjust to," Rodney said, taking notes. "That's probably good enough to start with."
After a few hours of investigating the planetary database, the team decided on Karonon 5 and boarded the Starship of the Imagination along with a NASA scientist.
The Fernok colonists on the world Karonon 5 agreed to allow Earth's population to settle there in exchange for surveying the system's outermost planet for useful minerals and helping set up a mining colony if enough resources were found.The day after their solution three members of Team Omra settle down for a leisurely breakfast…
SKULL-dugery
Corran set down his platter of stuffed French toast with sausage and basted eggs, and joined his two friends at the dinner table, “Good morning all.” They mumbled back greetings between bites and continued reading their news updates, he poured syrup over his toast and was assaulted by an unfamiliar smell. He traced the smell over to where Raizo was sitting, “Dear God, what is that? It smells like a Mon Calamari farted…” Raizo peered over his e-reader, “It is called miso soup.” The budding Jedi looked flumoxed, “You eat soup for breakfast?” Raizo nodded sagely, “It is a Japanese thing, what do Corellians eat for breakfast?” Corran smirked coyly, “Usually cold leftover pizza and ginger beer, but Henry’s automated kitchen has opened up new options for me,” he turned to Henry, “thanks Henry this is a…” Henry looked up from his Bernie-imac’s screen to see why Corran had stopped in mid sentence, “Something wrong?” The Correllian pointed to the tiny thing sitting atop a scanner, “Is that a skull?” Nonplussed Henry looked down at his screen again, “Ah huh, it sure is…” And he sipped his carmel latte, as if that had answered everything.
Corran took a bite of his French toast and looked from one to the other incredulously, “Is this some strange Earth custom I am not aware of?” Henry sprinkled some Arrakian spice on his cream of wheat, “No I am just scanning it so I can run the results through an animal data base to confirm a theory.” The X Wing pilot ate in silence for awhile, his eyes flicking back and forth between them giving them the ‘WTF’ look. Raizo finally gave in, “He found it on his pillow this morning.” It took a minute but it finally sunk in, Corran pointed a syrup laden fork at Henry, “You think Predy left it there don’t you?” Henry nodded, his glasses reflecting the image on the computer screen. Raizo sighed, “You’re reading too much into this, I think either he likes you or it is a peace offering.” Corran looked askance at him, “Skulls don’t exactly strike me as a sign of endearment.” “Maybe to his species it is, my cats used to bring me dead mice all the time. And then look at me with pride, as if to say ‘look what I brought you’.” Corran poked at a plump sausage, “Mice I understand, they could be considered food… A skull?” He shrugged, “I can’t imagine it meaning anything good.”
Raizo waved his hands, “Yeah but your not from another planet. urk” Corran shot him a ‘Ninja say what?’ look. “I, I mean not from a weird planet.” The look continued (he’s really good at it). The flustered ninja continued,“A planet with giant freaky Rastafarian hunters that have faces,” he held his hands up to try and mimic the way a Predator’s mouth opens, “that look like slimey stretchy sharp toothy Giger-esque vaginas.” Henry peered indignantly over his laptop’s screen, “Hello, I am eating here!” Corran’s eyes narrowed, “You’re a virgin aren’t you?” Raizo sputtered, “Wha, wha…” The black Bernie-imac (Come on, what other color would it be) chimed, Henry peered at the results. His expression told Corran all he needed to know, “It is a gerbil skull isn’t it.” Henry nodded. Corran sliced some more French toast, “Well there goes the ‘peace offering’ theory, it is clearly a ‘passive aggressive’ response to what you said to him last night.” Raizo raised an eyebrow, “Wow, who knew they were so… touchy?”
Corran shook his head, “Now now, don’t go judging all of them-“ Just then the kitchen door opened and then slammed shut loudly.
All heads turned toward the door; followed by a very long awkward silence. Raizo gulped, “Uh, do you think he just entered, or just … left?” Corran rolled his eyes, “Based upon the way the door was slammed, I would say left.” Raizo looked nervous, “So that means…” Henry finished for him, “That he probably heard everything we said,” his face then broke into a mischievous grin, “or then again maybe just the tail end of it.” Corran chuckled, and followed Henry’s lead, “Oh, you mean the part about having a mouth like a vagina?” Raiza’s eyes grew wide.
Henry rubbed the bridge of his nose in contemplation, “I need to come up with something to disrupt his cloaking device whenever he enters the house…” Raizo nodded, “That sounds like a good idea, I mean; his cloaking is like, you know… an invasion of privacy. And relationships really need boundaries, and rules, because after all,” his voice took on a psychiatrist like tone, “you teach others how to treat you.” Corran rolled his eyes, “Thank you Dr. Phil.” Henry began righting down the parts he would need to acquire from GD and his garage. Corran suddenly stopped eating and began laughing, when he looked a Raizo his giggling got worse. Raizo looked at him warily, “What … is… so… damned funny?” Corran smiled, “I was just thinking about what you might find on your pillow tomorrow.”