FSL 2.0 Challenge 3: You got to know when to hold 'em

GWC Community GWC Fantasy Sci-fi 2.0: Black Ops Edition
#1

I call you and your team together on a matter of some importance my friend. Unbenounced to us, the astronomers and scientists of our humble biosphere have been in communication with extra terrestrial life forms for some time now. Wanting to be ‘one of the boys’ like the rest of the galaxies they engaged in the standard galactic bonding activity – high stakes poker.

They lost.

And that, I’m afraid, is not the bad news.

It seems that in a Yoo-Hoo charged sugar rush of staggering proportions our lead star-mapper made a lofty wager on a pair of flurns that turned out not to be the hot hand he thought it was.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking my calling on you and your team has something to do with how dark it is outside right now. Well, out of shear coincidence you are correct: his wager was indeed the sun. And since the cosmic poker policy is ‘no backsies’ our collective boneage is epic.

Mission details: As our starless rock drifts aimlessly through space we have contracted with the Spacing Guild to give humanity a lift to a new home of our choosing. Their price was a little odd and we’re still not sure why they wanted all our cinnamon, but whatever. The trick here is we only had enough for a single one-way trip.

Objective: Find your fellow Earthicans a new planet to live on. Since we’re riding coach and can’t bring anything that doesn’t fit in the overhead it needs to be a planet that’s already populated. Scout it out and make a deal for our settlement with the natives.

Vehicle Asset: Since it’s all going to pot anyway the national air and space museum dropped off the Starship of the Imagination which has been washed, detailed and is waiting for you outside. So you won’t have to deal with pesky laws of physics while you search for our new home.

Good luck!

#2

Let me just state right now… this is the most epic scenario ever contrived. I applaud your creativity, sir.

#3

I’m going to have to read it twice just to understand it and I’m so going to have to use the ‘He who controls the cinnamon, controls the universe!’ line

#4

can we have this weeks quest itself as the winner? :stuck_out_tongue: it is original, well written and epic.

#5

Considering my team actually has one rather accomplished poker player and two more that are no slouches (that Avengers annual game gets pretty hair raising), can we perhaps finagle a rematch?

#6

A good thought to be sure, but sadly no, not in this case. No one is stupid enough to barter their sun like we are. Plus most of the respectable galaxies have laws against it. Us being a backwater type of establishment we didn’t think to have laws on such a thing.

Our big yellow ball is gone and the solar system has been dispersed into the blackness of space. We are adrift with nothing to our name and require a new home.

#7

Bwahahahaha! OMC…talk about hive mind. I just finished reading Heretics of Dune and Rakis (Dune/Arrakis) was just destoyed along with all but one sandworm. This is another reason the Spacing Guild wants all our cinnamon!

Was the poker game Texas Hold’em?!

#8

My idea too. Too bad Sean ruled against it. :frowning:

Could have even had Sarah comment on… wait, I still might be able to use that. Forget I said anything :smiley:

#9

Apologies for length, but… I had to.

[i]Tonight, on Behind the Plan…

Our New Home. How did they do it? [ A shot of Team Multimedia Girl Power!, all nicely dressed and sitting on interview stools. ] Tonight, we’ll meet the team who was responsible for finding us our second Earth. Searth.[/i]

Lana: So I’m pretty sure we can agree that this was a big [beep]-up all around, right? Can I say that on TV? No?

Plourr: First off, I’d like to make it be known that anyone who would agree to play cards for planetary bodies is an idiot. A gas-giant sized idiot. I think there are Kowakian monkey-lizards I’ve met who showed more restraint and good judgement.

Sookie: Well, I’m real sad that my home’s gone. I mean, it’s been in my family for generations. And the rest of the world, too. Isn’t it just a shame? Turned out real nice for the vampires, though.

Jordan: I mean, it was kind of inevitable that this would happen, right? You kind of hope that it never would, but given what you know about the people in charge and their previous track records and rash judgement, when presented with beings of superior intelligences who probably have the means to cheat–

Once shooting nukes into the sun had been ruled out as a monumentally bad and expensive idea, our golden girls with a proven track record and much cheaper operating budget were called. [ Cue footage of “The Right Stuff”-esque walk, suitably slow-motion and dramatic. ]

Plourr: I’ll never forget when they showed us that ship and told us they’d pulled it out of a museum. I’ve flown, ridden, and driven a lot of weird things before, but I’d never piloted anything that looked like a dandelion seed.

Jordan: I thought it was really pretty! And not very aerodynamic, but that only matters in atmosphere. And since we’d be in space–

Plourr: Of course, once we got inside and they gave me a few minutes to try out the controls, it was simple.

Sookie: I brought some throw rugs to try to make it a little more at home, but…

[ Photograph of Lana shooting at a throw rug. ]

Lana: What?

Once the ship had been launched, the challenge was: where to look for a planet with a sun?

Jordan: My first thought was to see about turning Jupiter into a sun, but they didn’t really give us the budget and there was kind of limited storage space on the Starship of the Imagination, so that was kind of out.

Plourr: It would take Empire-level craziness to be able to do that, from what I understand.

Jordan: Pretty much.

Lana: I wanted to strap Sookie to the front of the ship and see if she could pick up any alien brainwaves and ask them for directions.

Sookie: I objected. Strongly.

Jordan: So did I, because the ship didn’t have space suits. So what we did instead was to fly out to Alpha Centauri and start there, because it was closest.

Plourr: Incidentally, Starships of the Imagination get great distance to fuel ratio.

Jordan: I’m not sure it uses fuel.

Their first stop brought them to a star system with one inhabited planet of humanoid aliens with a penchant for broom hairdos.

Sookie: So they weren’t that much harder to read than humans. They told us that they didn’t know about any more habitable planets, but [whisper ] they were lyin’.

Jordan: While Lana and Plourr distracted them–

[ Security tape of what appear to be Lana and Plourr punching the hell out of several Centauri dressed in security and official clothing. ]

Jordan: --I was able to break into their system. Sookie is really good about getting codes, you know? It’s that brain thing. Anyway, we found a bunch more nearby star systems, some of which they hadn’t got around to exploring yet.

Lana: So we got back to the ship, and they started shooting at us–

Plourr: And apparently Ships of the Imagination don’t have any shields. Or weapons. So that was great.

Jordan: But it doesn’t really seem to follow the laws of physics, either, or else we never would have left Earth in the first place, so we managed to outrun them.

Plourr: I hate running away.

Sookie: We figured we should start with the planet farthest away since, y’know, I think we kinda might have pissed those guys off just a little bit.

Lana: The first place we went to was way too hot.

Jordan: Well, it was a jungle.

Sookie: I kinda liked it.

Lana: Look, I am not living in a jungle. And besides, there were already people living there.

Plourr: I think those were cats.

Lana: Whatever, not doing it. The second place we tried was freezing.

Plourr: The second place we tried was Hoth. Believe me, I’ve seen the holos.

Jordan: But the third place was just right.

Lana: [ Stares. ] Was that really necessary?

[ Pictures of Searth, with its multiple climates and burgeoning cities and very Earth-like atmosphere. Scratched out caption underneath: Planet Bob. ]

#10


http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/2040/blkopsteamdefault.jpg

Our sun is gone and the planet is getting cold and there’s no Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, and a space Slasher to save us. What we do have is a San Francisco Cop, a Scientist, a ninja, and a Muay Thai fighter…We could be screwed.

Thanks to the Starship of the Imagination our intrepid team has the means to embark on a mighty quest to find us a new home. They’re not going yet though. As the Earthicans wait in miles long movie theatre lines to board the Spacing Guild colony ships the team gets to work.

Hank Pym goes to the local home depot, picks up a Quinjet load of plywood and goes all around the world shrinking down the surface of the earth. Towns, cities, forests, mountains, etc. Placing them in shrunken state on the plywood board he creates a miniature scale flat Earth. That done he heads back to the team and they take off in the Starship of the Imagination for a new planet.

First stop is Tuchanka, Ting exits the spaceship to negotiate for Humanity to chill there. Negotiations consist of a fight: Wrex’s Broodbrother Urdnot Wreav vs Ting in the Pyjak pit. After a few leg kicks that do…frak all Ting switches it up and goes for an elbow strike to the face. Not even a flinch. Oh he is so screwed. Wreav headbutts him and Ting flies back into the wall and concedes. Humans without power armor? Too squishy to hang with Krogans.

Defeated, second stop is Tattoine, a harsh world to be sure but humans can definitely hang there. However the Hutt in Chief has other ideas and organizes a little pod race for the right for humans to settle there. Frank Bullitt steps up to the plate and with the help of Hank Pym and parts from Watto’s shop turns his 68 Mustang GT 390 Fastback into the most badass podracer in the galaxy. With a Max Maxian brushguard and cables tieing a pair of F-22esque engines with thrust vectoring to the front.

The one thing they forgot though is that no humans compete in pod races that aren’t jedis. Oh crap. It was a very short race as after the third turn the jet engines decouple, snap their cables and leave the Mustang tooling across the desert at speeds yet to be attained by a pony car. Strike two.

The, hopefully, last stop is Rann just recently transplanted into the Vega System and gaining a reputation for refugees coming there what with the Rannians, Tamarneans, R.E.B.E.L. and some Thanagarians chilling there. Asuma steps out of the SotI and has a meeting with Vril Dox to discuss Humanities relocation. Well Vril being a 10th Level Intelligence he doesn’t have time for this nonsense and only stipulated that 5% of the population can live there. Asuma challenges for 10% or nothing over a game of Shogi. Vril accepts but lets Adam Strange play in his place, he just doesn’t care enough.

So Asuma breaks out his cigs and his Shogi board and they get to work. Many hours and cigarettes later Asuma is the victor. Thus Humanity has a new home…or part of it does. The Shipping Guild colony ships show up and Pym intercepts them. Making continued use of his pym particles he shrinks down the 90% not able to live there and relocates them back to their homes on the flat earth. So down come the 10% and colonize, making their number one priority to create a memorial to Earth…The flat earth diorama complete with supremely intricate animatronics. Or at least that’s what they tell the aliens who really don’t understand why every year there’s more and more humans illegal aliens on the planet.

*Please note, no cars were harmed in the making of this post.

#11

Oh my goodness. Wow. This is beyond a challenge. This is… just woah.

#12

So pissed off I didn’t pick Racetrack right now. My solution would fit in a Twitter post: Racetrack gets in ship. She discovers new world.

Wait a minute, doesn’t Thot have Racetrack? FRAK! :smiley:

#13

Thot, add takes bow and it’s perfect.

#14

Wow. That was easy :smiley:

Actually when I read Sean’s awesome challenge idea, my first thot was Racetrack saying “FRAK!! Frakkity frak frak! Not frakin again!! I have to go through this fraking bullfrak of finding another fraking Earth!!” … and then she kills Daniel Graystone. …*** takes bow ***

#15

More like, “Hey, I found an Earth! Only it’s a radioactive pit… and, um, well there you go.”

#16

The Prodigal Sun

Raizo stamped his feet and rubbed his arms to try and keep warm, “God it is getting cold…” Corran looked out the window, it already was getting darker and beginning to snow outside, “It will get worse as the Sun is pulled further away, at least they aren’t just folding it away all at once. That would kill everyone within hours.” Raizo walked over to where Henry was scribbling on a blackboard, “Hey didn’t you once have an artificial sun created over your town?” Henry nodded but kept working. Raizo wiped his nose and grinned, “Well then why don’t you create another sun to replace this one.” Henry shook his head, “There isn’t enough matter in the entire solar system to recreate our sun. I think I could possibly turn Jupiter into a small sun, and that might buy us a little time.” Corran raised an eyebrow, “Time? Time for what?” Henry looked grim, “For an evacuation, but I don’t see how we can get everyone off of the planet before everyone freezes to death. Jupiter is too far away and too small to be an adequate replacement for Sol”

Corran looked puzzled, “But I thought the government already had an evacuation plan ready,” he held up the newspaper which showed the photo of a ridiculously frail looking spacecraft which looked like a dandelion. Raizo squealed like a little girl, “The Crystalline Entity!” Henry shook his head, “That is just a screen capture from the old TV series ‘Cosmos’; I can’t believe that the government would actually think that anyone would be stupid enough to believe that such a craft actually exists.” Corran threw the paper down in disgust, “Then why say it does?” Raizo pulled his blanket snugger, “To prevent panic I guess…” Corran paced back and forth his breath becoming visible as he spoke, “Even with every ship at the Republic’s disposal it would take months, maybe a year to evacuate everyone… And even then, where would we take them?”

Just then the Predator decloaked and plopped down a star chart and pointed to a planet on it. Corran looked down at it while Henry scolded the Predator, “You know…I really wish you would stop doing that…” Corran chuckled and shook his head in disbelief, Raizo asked, “What? You recognize the planet?” Corran looked up at the tall armored hunter with a smirk, “Sure I do, it is their ‘Game Preserve’…” Henry glared at the Predator, “Oh that is great!” His voice dripped with harsh sarcasm, “That was very helpful, thank you sooo much,” he shooed him away, “now why don’t you run along and skin some gerbils or stomp on some sea monkeys or something!” The Predator snorted in disgust and stomped away angrily, slamming the door behind him as he left. Raizo’s teeth chattered, “Geez, there has got to be a place like Earth somewhere that still has a sun…” Henry’s face broke into a wide grin; he slapped Raizo on the back, “That’s it!” He turned to Corran, his enthusiasm was infectious, “I am going to need a lot of your capitol ships, some GD hardware,” he turned to Raizo, “and a number of your Ninja Union buddies, I am sure they won’t mind helping since their planet is in peril.”

After a lot of modifications with borrowed and acquired technology and very careful calculations, the carefully placed Republic capitol ships powered up their generators. A pattern of energy began to spread around the Earth going from one ship to the next, until it formed a matrix. The matrix bloomed into a moiré of shimmering light and the ships began to resonate as they and the planet they encompassed began to slip from their universe and enter into another. After a few minutes of disorientation and nausea the crews and their burden appeared beside another sun.

Corran looked out the portal, “That looks remarkably like your old sun, did you follow it to its new location?” Henry grinned, “No I took us to our sun in a parallel universe. It seemed the simplest and most direct solution to our predicament.” Corran peered out again and craned his head from side to side as if looking for something, “So that means there is another Earth here right?” Henry nodded, “Correct, but I put us on the other side of the sun from them, to buy is some time, with luck they may never even notice us.” Raizo sighed, “Good idea, they may be paranoid,” he chuckled, “or worse yet, just like us…”

#17

Team Sideways
Driver: Wash / Tech: Macgyver / Recon: James Bond (Connery) / Martial Artist: The Operative

Sitting in the canteen of their recently acquired government-funded defense sphere the team looked at each other in disbelief. Lord High Emperor of the Universe Sean O’Hara (Esquire)'s mission briefing was clear. “They lost the sun?” the Operative blurted out losing his usual cool, “in a bloody poker match?” “Apparently” Bond responded, lighting up a cigarette. “What do we do?” Wash shook his head ruefully, “It is impossible. Even the Drake Equation works against us. We know that the probability exists that other worlds have life…but finding one in time before everyone freezes to death,” he sighed, “it is impossible.” They sat in silence, their penne alla arrabiata growing cold in front of them. Macgyver’s brow furrowed as an idea leapt across his face. He sighed and rubbed his temples. The Operative looked at him curiously, “You had a thought, please share it as long as it doesn’t involve solving our current dilemma with a paper clip.” Wash and Bond chuckled to themselves quietly as Macgyver breathed in deep, “I promised myself it would never come to this.” “Come to what?” the Operative asked. Macgyver leaned forward, “Gentlemen, we are going to Colorado Springs”

Several hours later, the Death Star safely parked in orbit around the Moon Team Sideways found themselves in a jeep driving down a long tunnel. “Now that is a big door!” Wash said looking over his shoulder. “Where are we again?” Before he could answer the jeep jolted to a halt. A man bearing two stars on his epaulets walked forward and shook Macgyver’s hand saying, “Lieutenant General, it has been a long time.” “Good to see you too Major General” Macgyver replied.

“Major General?” Wash looked at Bond while Macgyver and Landry continued to chat, “Do you think he knows information vegetable, animal, and mineral?” Bond nodded sagely, “Certainly. I assume he also knows the kings of England and can quote the fights historical.” The Operative looked at the two of them blankly. “Gilbert and Sullivan laddie,” Bond said patting him on the shoulder, “try to keep up.”

A while later they all sat in a conference room overlooking a giant metal O. “Delmak?” Macgyver thought to himself, “Sure the infrastructure would be good but we can’t negotiate with the Jaffa. I am going with Chulak” Wash raised his hand, “Excuse me?” “Chulak then” Landry rubbed his chin. “Chulak is a good choice. Temperate climate, I think I am in agreement with you.” Wash looked around the room, “Hello. Excuse me?” “I’ll call the President now and start the preparations immediately” Landry said while starting to stand up.

Wash slammed his hands on the table jolting everyone. In a calm voice he asked plainly, “Hi, I’m Wash, pleased to meet you. Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on here. I’m looking at you Macgyver. You got some 'splainin to do.” Landry looked at Macgyver, “Jack?” Macgyver sighed and looked at his team, “Ok, you guys deserve to know something.”

<<INSERT PLOT FROM 10 SEASONS, 4 DIRECT-TO-VIDEO MOVIES, 1 ACTUAL MOVIE AND VARIOUS GUEST APPEARANCES ON ATLANTIS AND UNIVERSE>>

“Woah” Wash responded, “what was the middle part again?” Jack Macgyver looked at him sternly and then turned to Landry, “Permission to go to Chulak and negotiate terms of our population resettlement?” “Granted. Should be pretty quick work given there aren’t many left after the defeat Ori.” Negotiations were brief and in short order the population of Earth was relocated to the Chulak.

Later in the Death Star two members of the team raised a toast of blue milk to each other. “Like an onion you are a man of many layers sir” the Operative said to Macgyver. Macgyver smiled to himself and looked around, “where is Wash and Bond?” The Operative pointed to a window which overlooked the hangar bay. Macgyver looked out and saw sitting in the hanger was the Starship of Imagination, door open. “They are in the Starship? Doing what?” The Operative took a small step back, “They are taking advantage of the giant television and are watching the original Stargate movie.” Macgyver took a moment and looked at the Operative. “The movie was good, sure. But it lacked something critical.” “What’s that?” the Operative asked.

Macgyver pointed to his chest with both thumbs, “Me.”

#18

Okay, three things I love about this.

  1. Gratuitous inclusion of pasta dish.
  2. You’ve got your characters completely down cold: I can hear Wash, The Operative, Bond and Jack O…MacGuyver’s voice clearly in my head when you read their lines.
  3. Wash and James Bond using Sagan’s ship of the imagination for it’s flat screen TV.

:D:D:D

#19

Thanks man. Perhaps the joke doesn’t play that in my mind the Death Star Canteen actually only knows how to make one dish.

#20

SWEET! I’m putting on my Carl t-shirt for inspiration.