That’s what I did–but thankfully was able to get them at the library rather than paying. Grover Gardner is such a perfect narrator!
I am pretty sure the last one, Winterfaire Gifts, is not available on audio. I need to find a hard copy of that one, still.
Whatever gets the job done. Excellent again, Jolly.
Keep them coming.
Love that.
You had me at ‘the power of boobs’.
The power of boobs, especially Lana’s, is a storied and glorious thing. Also, they make a good resting place for the TV remote and small snacks.
I’m listening to the Star wars arc (#105+) and you’r talking about Palpy and where he was originally from. You mention that he was from Naboo, but then Chuck comments on how he might not actually be from there.
Now we know his origins, as I cannot help but think of him being stranded by his SITH group…:)_
Okay, I know I’m super late, but I didn’t figure out how to do it until this morning, so here’s my solution.
The ship pops outside of the hawking hole putting it near the imperial fleet. Professor Yana carefully modify’s the ships identifying signals to match imperial signals. Having done it, and knowing that most of the imperial fleet spends more time looking at their screens than out their windows, Cliff flies the Planet Express ship right into the dead spot of a star-destroyer’s sensor range. Hooked up to the hull Morpheus, carrying ravage in cassette form cuts a hole in the hull and pops through into a corridor. Dispatching the pair of stormtroopers present, he picks up a passing mouse-droid. Morpheus places ravage on the mouse droid pushes it off in the direction of the bridge.
“Hey, a cassette tape!” thinks the passing somewhat dim-bulbed lieutenant. He picks it up off the droid and returns to his station. Surprisingly, there is a slot in his console for an audio cassette, despite this ship being from a long time ago in some far away galaxy, we know that it was build in 1983. The lieutenant puts it into the console because when you see a random, unfamiliar object sitting somewhere, the first thing you do is bring it into your secure area. Ravage quickly goes through the records of passing shipments and recovers a few access codes. On his way back to his quarters prizing his new copy of “I’ve got the Power” by Snap, the poor lieutenant is taken out by Morpheus and Ravage is recovered and they return to the ship.
With a valid access code, the Professor returns the ID of the ship to that of a “courier service” and requests the shield be opened to allow for delivery to the station. They fly in and park in one of the lessor bays, where a crew waits to pick up the goods. Professor Yana jury-rigs the holo-pilot (some asian girl) to instruct the coming techs to take the boxes to the Emperor. Our four heros hide in a box, Morpheus complaining about Cliff’s need to bring the rocket pack.
The box is taken and left outside the galley, where our heroes climb out. Ravage and Morpheus stand to one side while the Professor and Cliff are on the other.
“We’ll take care of this, you two stay here”
Rounding the corner, Morpheus and Ravage run head into Darth Vader, the Dark Lord himself. Morpheus draws his sword, only to see it fly out of his hands and into that of his enemy. In an even greater surprise, Ravage slinks forward wrapping lazily around Vader, and under his hand where the Sith Lord pets him in a display of appreciation.
Stormtroopers surround Morpheus, and he is escorted in braces to the Emperor’s throne room. Vader, Ravage, and Morpheus draw closer to the Emperor.
“His Kitana” Vader says handing the weapon to his master
“Ahh, a Samurai’s weapon, much like your fathers. By now you must know your father…”
“Uh, what?” Morpheus asks confused.
The Emperor looks up “Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
Ravage goes and sits next to the Emperor, who also seems to know his faithful pet. “Well Done Ravage”
Meanwhile back in the corridor, Cliff and the Professor stand idly.
“I can’t stand this waiting around” Cliff says
“Nor I… this is quite intolerable” responds Yana.
“They should have been back by now” Cliff notes.
Cliff looks past the box they’re standing behind and sees an empty cart “C’mon Professor, I’ve got an idea.”
Breaking into the kitchen a knocking out a few chefs, Cliff and the Professor steal some food, lay a cloth on the cart. Cliff grabs a large fake mustache that all Imperial-chefs are required to have and they fashion a fake Chef’s hat out of one of Yana’s flowy sleeves. Cliff consults a map, and casually walks out of the kitchen with Yana hidden on the bottom of the cart.
Walking past the hordes of Imperial troops and guards, everyone takes in stride one of the many chefs taking the emperor a random snack. They stop by the access door to one of the trash compactors, and Yana sneaks in. Beginning to rummage, he has a list of parts in his mind.
Cliff, waiting sees approaching guards, who look to be concerned that the emperor’s food tray is sitting next to the garbage.
“Professor, If you could hurry it up, we’re drawing attention” Cliff says
“I just need a few more minutes” Yana replies
“You, what are you doing?” The troops ask from a distance
“I’ma justa waitin’ for tha food to-a cool down” Cliff says in a horrible Italian accent.
Yana steps out with an arm-full of stuff, and some heavy duty cable. With a look of horror, sees the troops coming.
Cliff pushes Yana under the cart, throws his rocket pack on and hits the go button.
The cart goes shooting down the hallway at high speeds. As the hallways wraps around the entire death star they do a couple of laps while Professor Yana completes his device. Having become familiar with the place over the past couple laps, Cliff makes a sudden turn, ditching the cart, pulling The Professor out, and shooting up the Energy shaft leading straight out to the Emperor’s room.
While Morpheus and the Emperor are engaged in some long-winded talk about the futility of each other’s existence, Cliff and the Professor fly out of the energy shaft (entered from far below.) Needing a distraction, Ravage bites down hard on the Emperor’s leg.
DOUBLE-AGENT FTW!
Seizing the distraction, Professor Yana leaps to Morpheus’ side. Plugging a device into the back of his neck, the Invention is revealed: A back-pack featuring combination lightning-rod, Tesla-Coil, and a brain-stem connection point. Yana uploads knowledge about electricity, and how to manipulate it.
When the Emperor recovers, He’s of course howling mad. He attacks Ravage with Force-lightning, but being a transformer he’s properly grounded and safe. Attacking our other heroes, Palpy is surprised to find Morpheus manages to capture the lightning and play amusing tunes with the Tesla Coil. Cliff runs and hooks everyone up to the heavy duty cable which is connected to the chassis of the elevator. Seeing everyone is secure, Ravage launches a missile at the viewport, blowing it open to the deadly vacuum of space. The Emperor is sucked out, and Vader holds on to a railing with his supreme strength. When the automatic safety forcefield engages, the for Heroes face Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith.
After a moment, Vader says “Wow, thank you! That guy was really a drag.”
That’s what I like to see, play the game even when it doesn’t count. Just for the fun of it. geek high five
Thanks! I started writing Friday morning, and coming back today I thought “I already wrote a bunch of this, maybe someone will enjoy it.”
Amusingly, I think not having my entry count helped a little. I stopped worrying about it and just tried to find a fun solution. (which I should have been doing all along.)
Congratulations, youngling. Today you are a Jedi.
A continuation of Part One…
PROLOGUE
“Many Bothans died to bring us this information.”
The briefing seemed to go on and on, cataloguing relative troop strengths, strategies, and the escalating suffering of the people in this galaxy. Joxer sat upright in rapt attention, eagerly awaiting the upcoming battle, while Dr. Venture slumped in his chair, snoring quietly.
Lois Lane glanced around nervously, unaccustomed to the existence of such a wide variety of aliens as those assembled in the room. She noticed that Troi looked ill. “Are you all right?”
“I’ll be fine,” Troi replied. “There are so many minds, so many raw emotions. I’m just a bit overwhelmed. The anxiety level is quite high. Apparently this ‘Death Star’ can destroy entire planets. Such power dwarves even the Federation’s technology.”
“Superman could do it,” Lois responded. “He wouldn’t, of course, but he could.” She was still annoyed that he had let her die. At least he managed to save Clark.
“Mon Mothma, ma’am?” Clark asked, “What color is the star that Endor orbits?”
She paged through a stack of papers before responding, “Yellow. Why?”
“Just curious.” His satisfied smirk was subtle, but Lois noticed.
«««•»»»
i[/i] “Captain’s log, stardate… uh… I don’t know. Acting Captain Deanna Troi…”
“Captain???” Dr. Venture asked incredulously, “Who died and made you captain?”
“We all did, remember?” Joxer responded, “Speaking of which, why is Troi driving the ship again? :eek:”
“Anyone else ever pilot a spaceship before?” The muttering answered Troi’s question. “All right then. Computer, continue ship’s log entry. We are on an unusual mission, a mission to… AARGHHHH! The pain!” Troi screamed out in pain, “His mind is so powerful! He knows we’re here! He knows… everything about us!”
The viewscreen suddenly switched on, a brown fish-like face glowering from it. “It’s a trap!”
Admiral Ackbar’s warning came too late, as the Planet Express ship was seized by the Death Star’s tractor beam and drawn toward one of its landing bays. Troi never noticed, though, as she had already fallen into unconsciousness.
«««•»»»
Clark jumped up from his seat, as the ship was drawn inexorably closer toward the space station. “Uh, I have to use the bathroom,” he said, internally wincing at the lameness of the excuse.
“NOW???” Lois asked.
“Yeah, Wookiee food doesn’t agree with me.” He quickly exited the bridge and headed for the cargo bay, removing his street clothes as he moved.
Meanwhile, Dr. Venture started fiddling with one of the devices he had brought with him. “Don’t worry,” he said, to no one in particular, “I figured we’d need my Teflonator. Guaranteed to make any ship impervious to tractor beams. Also, non-stick!” He turned a knob on the machine, and instantly the ship’s hull turned a bright glowing green, quite unlike the electric mucus paint it usually sported. Clark’s screams from the cargo bay reverberated throughout the ship. “Why does that keep happening?” Dr. Venture wondered aloud, failing to notice that the ship was still moving toward the open maw of the Death Star’s landing bay.
«««•»»»
Surrounded by red-clad Imperial Guards, the team was brought to the Emperor’s throne room. The unconscious Troi was carried on a hovering table, as was…
“Superman! What have you done to him, you monster???” Lois surged torward cloaked figure seated on a large throne. A large man, armored in black, stopped her easily, his mechanical breathing never wavering.
“Unhand her, you brute!” Joxer lunged at Vader, whose red lightsaber instantly sprung to life.
“Do not harm our guests, Lord Vader,” Emperor Palpatine commanded, chuckling softly.
“Yes, my master,” Vader replied, extinguishing and sheathing his lightsaber. He grasped Joxer’s arm tightly with his now free hand.
“Guests? Don’t you know why we’re here?” Dr. Venture asked, “Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”
“Of course,” Palpatine answered, “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. You have travelled here from far in the future, from a galaxy far, far away. And now the technology that enabled you to do so is mine. No longer will my Empire be bound only to this galaxy or to this brief moment in time. I will be master of all space and time! Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”
“I have searched my feelings,” Troi’s voice surprised all assembled, “And yours. And Vader’s. And every Stormtrooper on this space station. And every independent contractor.” She rose slowly but deliberately from the floating gurney, her voice becoming eerily deeper and more menacing. “And I feel the very Force itself.” Her eyes became dark, almost animalistic.
“What???” Palpatine gasped, visibly shaken by her transformation. “Your feeble skills are no match for the Dark Side!” Instantly, Force lightning erupted from his hands, enveloping Troi entirely. With a wave of her hand, it dissipated.
“Fool. Your arrogance blinds you, Emperor. Now you will experience the full power of the Dark Side!” Suddenly, Troi’s entire body erupted in flame, which she directed at Palpatine. With barely a sound, he was vaporized. The flames subsided, although Troi’s skin still held an unnatural glow. She walked up to the throne, brushed away the ashes that coated it, and sat regally.
“What the frak was that???” Dr. Venture yelled, as everyone else remained silent with their mouths agape. Even Vader and the Imperial Guards stood in mute horror.
“My empathic abilities apparently are magnified by the Force,” Troi responded, “Being so close to so many powerful, Force-sensitive minds was overwhelming at first, but when I tapped into the collective raw power of the Dark Side, it was mine to control utterly. Lord Vader!”
Vader moved to stand before her. “Yes…,” he paused, “my mistress?”
“You will order the Imperial fleet to stand down,” Troi commanded, “Send a message to the rebels that the war is over. Palpatine is dead. Tell them… tell them that Empress Troi now controls the Death Star.”
“Empress???” Lois asked, “When did you become empress? The job’s done. It’s time for us to go. We’ve got to help Superman and find Clark before anything happens to him.”
“You can’t be that stupid,” Joxer said, “I mean, I’m not that bright, but it doesn’t take Socrates to figure this one out. Clark is gone. Superman is here. Get it?” Lois’ blank stare indicated that she did not, in fact, get it. “The guy we came with is nowhere to be found, but there’s a guy that couldn’t possibly be here now instead. They even kind of look alike, you know, except for the glasses. Seriously? I can’t be the only one who noticed.” Everyone else shook their heads in agreement, as Lois still attempted to process what was quickly becoming more and more obvious to her.
“Enough!” Troi boomed, her voice unnaturally loud, “None may question the will of Darth Imzadi! In the place of a Sith Lord, you would have a Queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Gorn! Treacherous as the stars! Stronger than the foundations of the Q! All shall love me and despair! Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!”
Mad with her newfound power, Troi touched the controls on the armrest of the throne. She intended to fire the superlaser at a random target, to demonstrate the absolute dominion she now wielded. Instead, she steered the Death Star directly into the Forest Moon of Endor.
No Ewok escaped alive.
«««•»»»
EPILOGUE
Four pink, squishy bodies climbed out of the cloning tubes at Venture Industries. One turned to another and yelled, “Damn it, Troi! I only have so many of these things, you know! Could you PLEASE stop killing us???”
One of the clones stumbled away from the others, muttering to itself, “Clark… is… Superman? :eek:”
I literally hurt myself laughing at that. Oh my! ouch