<cracks his knuckles>
Obviously I cannot be considered for best scenario solution, but I also can’t turn down a creative writing exercise and I’d like to see how my team would do.
In the distance the faint drumbeat of the approaching orc army could be heard. Along the parapets warriors and Elven archers stood side by side…the Elves appearing slightly on edge after it had been revealed that one battleplan strategy involved them being leveraged in a very disturbing way.
“Har! Har! Har!” Grig laughed jovially as he surveyed the landscape.
Ender looked at him skeptically, “Hold it! There’s no fleet? No Starfighters, no Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator? A bunch of Elves who think they are about to become a fleshy barricade and no plan? Just you, me, that droid, a confused Martian with a brush on his head and that’s it against ten thousand orcs?”
Grig looked at him and beamed. “Exactly! Classic military strategy, surprise attack.”
Ender blurted out, “It’ll be a slaughter!” Grig responded, “That’s the spirit!” to which Ender retorted, “No, our slaughter!”
Ender closed his eyes and mentally walked through his team’s assets: One working gate guarded by 60 men, a holocaust cloak from Miracle Max, a wheelbarrow and not much else.
“Do you think the orcs would be afraid of the Dread Pirate Roberts?” Ender asked R2-D2. “BLEEP” R2 responded. “I didn’t think so.”
As the orcs drew nearer a bead of sweat ran down Ender’s neck. In Battle School he had faced similar types of situations…outgunned, outmanned he had always managed to find the solution. Suddenly a thot crossed his eyes, “Theoden King!” he exclaimed, “A word!”
“No time for idle prattle boy, I have a keep to defend!” Theoden said impatiently as he glanced around not entirely sure what to do.
“What is this history of Helm’s Deep?”
“What?” cried Theoden, “this is no time for a lesson!”
“Is it named Helm’s Deep because this valley was created unnaturally by a dam?”
Theoden blinked. “Nice try youngling” he said, “but that is the solution the Ents will use on Sauroman’s tower. Try again.”
“FRAK!” Ender cried out. “Grig!”
“Hoh! Hoh! Hoh!” Grig laughed."
“Grig, you are our scientist. Is there nothing you can make with what we have here?”
“Eh, well…” he glanced around and picked up a piece of parchment, “I could make a hat. Or a broach. Or a ptera…”
“The orcs are nearly here!” an old man wearing ill-fitting armor cried out.
“No one has ever successfully taken Helm’s Deep” Ender thought to himself. “The orcs must have some means to do so. They can’t overtake it by force, nor by scaling the walls…in order to breach the gates they will have to…” Ender breathed in, “destroy the wall. But how?” There was only two way to destroy this wall…tunnel under it and destroy the foundation or hit it with a giant blast of some kind.
“Marvin!” Ender yelled out, “You know something about excavating, yes?”
“Whhhhhhhy yeeeeeessss,” Marvin replied, “innnnn orrrrrrrrder tooooo buuuuilllllld prrrrrrrrroper founnnnnnndations foooooor my weaaaaaapons to destroooooooy the Eaarth…”
“Stop that” Ender chided,
“Sorry…Mel Blanc never cared for me.” Marvin blushed as best he could. “Anyway, yes I know of excavating techniques.”
“Look at the base of the main wall and tell me if there have been any excavations! I need to know if how this wall is going to fall!”
Marvin ran along the top of the wall yelling, “Coming through! Make a hole!” as he carefully inspected the base. After a few moments he returned to Ender. “Nothing sir. With the technology of this time there would be clear indications that tunneling had occurred.”
“Damn.” Ender whispered to himself. It was only going to be moments until the attack began. “If they aren’t going under then…” he paused a moment, “Grig” Ender looked at the oversized iguana who was studying an old man’s shoddy bow, “is your sense of smell better than human?”
“Why yes” Grig responded handing back the bow to the owner. “I can see a wider spectrum, pick up on distinct chemical compounds hear slightly better than a normal human.”
“Great, do you smell a concentrations of sulfur, charcoal, and potassium nitrate coming from the orc army?”
Grig closed his eyes and breathed in deep. “Strange” he said to himself. “I think,” he breathed in deep. “I think the compound is…” the orc armies were now 100 yards away, chanting, beating their chests. For a moment all was quiet. An older man half crazy with fear and trepidation near Grig held his bow string back quivering, sweating and shaking.
“THERE!” Grig pointed.
“EEK!” the old man shrieked letting loose his arrow into the swarm of orcs.
“Did I err?” Grig asked as the orcs paused while watching their fellow fall.
“Blond Elf!” Ender commanded. Every elf near him turned. “No, Blond Elf in charge!” a slightly taller slightly more angular blond elf stepped forward. “See that group of orcs there? Take a squad of your men and concentrate all your fire on them. Do not let them approach”
The battle commenced. As the grunt orcs rushed the main wall a specially trained orc unit finalized their preparations.
“Blark!” one specially trained bombardier orc said, roughly translating to “they will never know what hit them”
“Blark” another specially trained bombardier orc responded, roughly translating to, “Blark” as their was an arrow firmly lodged in his throat.
“BLARK!” the orcs cried as the tripped over each other finding they had come under special attention of the archers. The last thing they would recall was a blinding white light as the bombardier unit collided with the ignition courier carrying a blazing torch.
BOOM
Five days later Gandalf arrived over the crest of a hill looking proud. “I am here to…” as he looked down he saw no orc army. He was greeted with what he could only describe as, nothing. Piles of orcs were piled on each other and ablaze while bands of warriors collected armaments, weapons and supplies. Theoden rode out proudly to meet him.
“What has happened here?” Gandalf asked quite amazed.
“Oh, well…” Theoden responded, “I led our people to victory.”
“How?” Gandalf demanded, politely.
“…erm…” Theoden glanced over his shoulder at Ender, Marvin, R2D2 and Grig, “well m’lord…they may have helped. A little.” 
