Writing Exercises Proposal

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#41

Darhn was behind the bar doing inventory, scanning barcodes off of bottles into his tablet and then typing in the amounts. Sometimes I have even seen him hold the bottle up to the light and check the color of the liquor or even pull off the caps and sniff the bottles all to see if they have been watered down. I settled gently into a barstool that still had some padding left in the cushion, and glared at the back of his orange bald head. He ignored the stare and focused on his tablets screen, I reached over and noisily dragged and then loudly set a bowl of peanuts in front of me. The noise caused his many eyes to look up to the mirror to see who it was; his lids drooped and he sighed when he saw it was me.

“Suzi…”

I smiled at his reflection in the cloudy mirror.

“I am not in the mood to spar with you right now.”

I picked up a salty peanut, “Fine, I will just sit here andpelt the back of your head with peanuts until you talk to me.”

“Those are not peanuts.”

I looked at the thing in my fingers. It had legs. I squealed and dropped it.

A snort came from Drahn’s direction.

“What the…?” I peered closer at the bowl. “Bugs?”

“They are Vantarian Sand Hoppers.”

“Bugs?”

“They are nutritious.”

“They… Are…,” I slowly push the bowl away using a stir stick, “BUGS.”

“They sell drinks”

“Jesus Darhn, most establishments spend their entire career trying to keep bugs out of their places of business, but you; you fucking bring them in?”

He turned and glared at me.

I gesture to the bowl like a model on ‘The Price is Right’,“And you even go so far as to place them proudly on the bar as if they belonged here.”

“They are cheap.”

“Of course, I should have known that was your motivation.”

“Is there a reason you are here pestering me when I have work to do?”

“I need to talk to you about food for the girls and I.”

He pushed the bowl of bugs back in front of me.

I narrowed my green eyes at him, “Very funny.”

“I am certain I have read somewhere that humans eat insects.”

“What?” I leaned closer, “Where?”

“On Earth, and even on a few colonies.”

“Wha… During a famine?”

“No, in fact they were considered a delicacy.”

“Bullshit.” I crossed my arms across my chest and leaned back, “You are making this up.”

“No some human cultures are not snobbish about what they eat.”

My eyes narrowed to slits.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead, “I am not kid*” He stopped and looked at me, a realization came to him and he smiled. A smiling Ver’Myr’Hyn is not a good thing, I became nervous.

He pointed a chunky finger in my direction, “Now that I think about it, YOU eat insects and love them.”

“What?” I blinked in disbelief. “Have you been eating the Sterno again?”

“You eat…” He snapped his fingers in thought, “Um, what do you call them?”

“Not ‘bugs’ I’ll tell you that…”

He perked up, “Smalls.”

“Huh?” I am so masterful with words.

“They are those little battered things with tails that you dip in a red sauce.”

My face pinched in thought. Tails? Dip in a red sauce?

He looked at me expectantly.

“Shrimp?”

He smiled brightly, “Yes!”

I frowned, not seeing a connection.

“Shrimp are insects.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, think about it. They have multiple legs.”

I frown in thought.

“Antennae.”

I don’t like where this is going.

“And an exoskeleton.”

Shit.

He leaned back all proud of himself,

He’s right. Crab,Lobster, shrimp and crayfish. They are all bugs. Somehow because they are underwater and willingly accepted by my culture as standard fare, it had never even occurred to me that they were… . ew. Great, I am not going to be able to eat crustaceans for at least a month.

#42

I push the bowl away.

Drahn looks at me smugly, a gleam in his many eyes.

“Look, no amount of fast talk will ever get one of these girls to eat these,” pointing to the bowl of dead (God I hope they are dead) seasoned insects.

He sneered, “They will if they are hungry enough.”

Time to try something else. “Let’s look at this from a business perspective.”

Three of his eyebrows rose.

“Where are the girls getting their food now?”

“I assume somewhere else.”

“Right.” I offer a wry smile. “Which means that money which could be spent here,” I point down at the bars counter. “Is being spent elsewhere.,”I point towards the entrance, indicating outside.

Drahn rubbed his chin in thought.

“And what do you think they are spending that money on?”

“I dunno…”

“Junk food, fast food and stuff from street vendors. Which carries with it the great risks, such as poor nutrition and food poisoning which will mean missed days of work and poor performance. And worst of all… Getting FAT.”

I had his attention now, I could see it in his eyes.

“Do you think your customers want private dances with fat dancers?”

“No,” he grumbled and shifted nervously.

[FONT=Times New Roman]“Now if you were to allow Cy to create a menu of nutritious and low calorie human dishes that were both quick and inexpensive to make. And then priced them so that they were comparable, or even better yet slightly cheaper than what they could purchase elsewhere, they would not be tempted to eat elsewhere.”

His brow furrowed in thought.

“Think about it, if they stay here to eat. They are not exposing themselves to danger by leaving for a meal, or risking not making it back in time from their break. And by being here they are available if business picks up instead of being off site. It is good for morale, they won’t get fat, and you increase sales. In a sense getting back some of the money you pay out in wages, keeping it here.”

He stood in silence, rubbing his chin. His eyes closed in deep thought. I sat quiet and expectant. When his eyes finally opened again he eyed me with a curious expression.

With a lopsided grin he said, “You would make a good Ver’Myr’Hyn.”

I eyed him suspiciously. Not sure how to take the comment.

He chuckled, “It is a compliment.”

“OK,” I drummed my fingers anxiously on the counter,“thanks, I guess.”

He retrieved his tablet from the bar top, “I will give Cy the go ahead to work up a human menu for the staff.”

“Cool.” I blew out a breath of relief.

He peered over the tablet, “You on the clock?”

I tensed, “Uh, yeah.”

“Then shouldn’t you be doing something?”

[/FONT]

#43

I hope I caught everything, the forum is smashing my words together again when I post from Microsoft Word.

#44

Damn you Omra - I offically bow down to your writing skills

#45

:slight_smile:

Thank You!

#46

It did not occur to me until I had already left for work that what I should have said was-

Thank you for the compliment, but: this is not a competition. (I don’t want anyone to get discouraged)

I apologize for that oversight. I was too smitten by the praise to catch myself.

And if it helps, this story has been percolating in the back of my mind for over a year. So once I finally got going on it, and with the help of a number of very helpful tools (of which I shall gladly share with you on another thread I plan to start). It came rather easily once I started a routine and stuck to it.(which is the hardest part)

I would also like to thank you (Bishop Montana), Wolfgeek and Talos for showing interest in this thread and kicking me in the butt to get it going again. I have been so sick, busy and depressed that I stopped writing. But thanks to all of you I dusted of my metaphorical smoking jacket and started researching and working on my prose again. And it has been far more helpful for my spirit, creativity and self esteem than playing video games and sucking on the teat of Netflix.

Thank you All! :slight_smile:

#47

No worries about the competition part, it was just a case of admiring what you wrote. The opening passage just transported me to the nightclubs when I was younger when you stay until the end of the night and the majority of people have gone home. The lights come up and it has that sterile feel to it. You step outside into the cool night air wishing you were back inside with the warmth of the bodies surrounding you, knowing that you have at least a 30 minute journey home.

#48

The muscles in my legs were cramping with every step, the soles of my feet sweating and aching from the restrictive boots that I was forced to wear. Sweat was dripping down my brow like a waterfall causing my eyes to sting despite squinting from the suns’ glare. It didn’t help that the dust that was whipped up by the wind was adding to the discomfort of the arrivals and myself; which had reduced in number since we had been deposited on this rock.

I glanced to my left to see my Jessa, who was my assigned partner, my milu’xor and who was keeping pace with me, matching my steps. She wasn’t panting as much as I was which on reflection made me wish that I had her stamina.

"Think we’ll make it?” I asked her.

“Yes…we will, now shut up and concentrate”

“Think it’ll be like the vids?”

“How do I know, I’ve never been here before; now be quiet. We can talk once we arrive”

“Do you -”

“Look, we have to arrive before it get’s dark, don’t make me regret being assigned to you.”

Nothing was said for the rest of the journey and several more of the group expired along the way. Bodies were dropping on the sand, rich pickings for the feral animals that inhabited this land. I didn’t keep an exact count but I did see one individual that had fallen being carried by his partner, a well built red headed woman and she was actually keeping up with the rest of the group despite the heavy load.

As we continued to run, I noticed that the ground was changing from the crunch of the sand to the silky, tickling feeling of grass on my shins, the glare had reduced slightly as night started to approach and the temperature was falling rapidly causing my body to shiver and I could see the cloud of my breath forming in front of my face.

‘Why are people cheering and crying?’ I thought to myself.

My question was immediately answered as the gates of the War College loomed into view, the silver gates stood like a parent over a small child. It glistened in the dimming light and the walls that supported it were tall, although as we approached, we had to crane our necks to look to the top of it. In the middle of the gate was the symbol of the institution; the Capital home world of the Commonwealth systems surrounded by 3 war mechs of various designs.

The wall stretched on to a point where I couldn’t see the corner which had fluttering flags which depicted the same design that was on the imposing gate. At several key points were turrets, slick and black in design.

“We have nothing like this on my world”, I muttered to Jessa whose eyes were flittering from left to right in a rapid motion. We had all slowed to a walk as we approached the gate; the atmosphere was tense, our fate not known since our arrival. We knew that this was the point of no return, not that we had a choice of returning to our previous life in the near future.

I waited nervously with the others as the gate opened, slowly revealing the grounds within.

“Inside, now! Double time” a voice from the other side bellowed. My feet ached as I moved forward again, picking up speed as we ran past the gate. I turned my head to see the source of the voice as my eyes moved upwards to see two mechanoids pointing their guns at us, laser cannons attached to the robotic arms which in turn were part of a monstrous but beautiful mech that I had ever seen.

“Proceed up to the main gate, no stopping or you will be shot”, the mech on the left of the group said.

We did what we were told, moving in single file. As I ran I noticed that some of us were silent, some were crying silently to themselves. Jessa was just staring ahead not saying a word. I was too busy looking at the surroundings as the college came into full view, a building that had old style gothic architecture with its tall spires that looked like spears jutting up into the sky, archways that were lit by eerie lighting; big enough to accommodate the mechs that would pass through. Windows were dotted across the structure, reflecting the moon’s light.

I was tired, my legs at the point of collapsing, lungs burning with each laboured breath caused by the cold air that the night had delivered. At the end of the path by the entrance was a man in a military uniform, medals on his chest and a gun that was holstered on his hip, his hands behind his back.

The group came to a stop, some were doubled over and the person that had been carried by the woman was placed on the ground, her body sucking in air.

“Line up maggots”

There was a scramble for some sense of order, I lined up next between Jessa and a shorter male who I had seen earlier in the journey. The man walked up and down the line, looking at each person, his eyes narrowing as his heavy footsteps took him down the line. When he reached the guy that had been carried, he looked at the woman that had carried him and calmly said,

“What is this?”

“My partner, he fell on the way here. I couldn’t leave him out there so I carried him”

The man nodded, “Impressive, and what’s your name maggot?”

“Laura”

He moved his face closer to her to the point where he was breathing in her face,

“You have no name while you are here, you got that!”

He then took out his gun, aimed at the fallen man and shot him in the head. Laura visibly recoiled at the action. He then moved the gun and pointed it at Laura’s head and pulled the trigger. I doubt that she had time to register what was happening as her body fell to the ground.

Placing his gun back by his side, he continued down the line.

“Listen up, here you have no names. You are here because you had the choice of serving the military or doing hard time. Whether you made the right choice is up to you. I’m not here to baby you”.

He continued past me, I found that I was holding my breath not wanted him to find any fault with me.

“You were assigned a milu’xor when you embarked from the shuttle that brought you here, take care of them, you are married to them, when they go to the bathroom, you wipe their arse. If they fail, you fail. If they succeed, you will succeed. Remember that.”

He returned to the front of the line and faced the group.

“When you pass through those doors, there is no outside world, you will be here for a long time… Now get out of my sight!”

I saw a cloud of air as I realised that I had exhaled after what seemed to be an eternity. I looked at Jessa and realised that I would be getting to know this woman for a long time.

#49

Nice. :slight_smile:

As per your request, the questions that came to mind:

Who are they?
Where are they?
How did they get there?

Why they are there was revealed which is good, but not their motivation. Is there a war? Are they drafted? Did they volunteer, and if so why?
(Internal monologue is good for dropping nuggets of info without the fear of exposition or ruining your pacing)

But it is a short segment, so now doubt you are planning on revealing more later.

#50

Tick tock people…

I will post the next exercise tommorrow morning.

#51

Thanks - This is the first time I’ve been serious about writing, so trying to do internal monologue, dialogue and do showing and not telling (Which I tried hard not to do above). As for the questions, thanks for that - The who and how they got there would be explained in prose before this part (e.g. You would realise who he is and how he got there before this part)…As for the how, I’m still deciding on whether to do a like earth but different planet… choices huh :)… (finished the above excerpt btw)

Something I realised, you can cut out words and still have the sentence make sense. It makes it stronger when edit your work in this fashion.

#52

[u][b]Naked Dialog Exercise

[/b][/u]
[SIZE=2]This one will really force you to think outside the box. You must sell a scene to the reader using nothing but dialog, this means no descriptions, no internal monologues, exposition, emotions, tonal inflections etc. JUST DIALOG. And as if that were not difficult enough you also may not use ‘tagging’ on your lines of dialog, also referred to as ‘he said/she saids’.

Which means that all information you would usually insert into a scene outside of the dialog must somehow become woven INTO the dialog. This will seriously test your creativity and inventiveness! And because you may not tag your dialog to indicate who is speaking it you must come up with a way to individualize your characters speech, such as: accents, grammar, stuttering, aggressive/ timid, dominate/ servile etc. Otherwise you will confuse the reader and cause them to lose track of who is speaking.

Assignment is due on the 17th.

Now go write!

[/SIZE]

#53

You know, I have a scene in mind for that one. Might be a bit tricky to pull off, but I lean toward dialog heavy in pretty much everything but my action scenes.

Would it be OK for me to put little blurbs about the characters before it?

#54

No everything must be revealed within the dialog itself. It is just an exercise, you may want to try something easier first. And then apply if you wish, what you have learned to any material you have in the works.

#55

“Errr… Calm down Suzi.”

“I am calm. As calm as a serial killer.”

“That must be a joke because well, I ain’t so good with humans but your eyes say som’tin else. That, and the fact that my tablet computer just blew up.”

“Must be a coincidence.”

“Bullshit, we all know how tech goes crazy when you get emotional.”

“Then maybe you should do something about this assholes hands.”

“Ah, hava heart Su*. Uhm, errr… Let me rephrase that lest you actually rip his heart out.”

“Your learning.”

“Gimme a break* Dammit! I…”

“What d’yah want me to break?”

“Stop that! Come on, help me out here. Can’t you see he is loaded?”

“Loaded? I’ll say he is loaded. He is about to be loaded into an ambulance if he doesn’t get his hands off of my ass.”

#56

“Come on Suzi, you must have seen something.”

“I told you no, I was in another room.”

“Then Maybe you heard something.”

“It is a fucking club, all I heard was the damned music.”

“sigh”

“Hey shouldn’t you be doing something Suzi?”

“I would be but officer ‘pain-in-the-ass’ wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Hey buddy, this is a business. Either buy something or leave.”

“Fine I will have a water.”

“A water?”

“I am on duty, I can’t have any alcohol.”

“10 credits.”

“What?”

“10 credits.”

“For a water?”

“Mostly for the fine entertainment, but yes it is a very special water as well…”

“Can I get special pricing for being a peace officer?”

“Suuuuuuure. 20 credits.”

“What?”

“I don’t like peace officers. Any other questions?”

“I don’t think I could afford any more questions.”

“Gee Darhn I think the officer here is catching on.”

“Fine give me the water then…”

“Here, enjoy.”

“Hey, you just drew that from the tap. I thought you said this water was special?”

“It is, I did not spit in it.”

“Yeah, and he used a clean glass. He must really like you.”

“Bastards.”

“Wait until you hear the punchline detective.”

“Whats that?”

“There is a two drink minimum.”

“Fuckers!”

#57

“Nice flat…”

“Stop gawking and hold that light steady, will you?”

“Oh, sorry mate. This is me first B and E.”

“Yeah, I am reminded of that fact every time you start talking and acting like this is some Frat hazing ritual.”

“Why are we planting bugs ‘ere any ways?”

“I don’t know, and I didn’t bother to ask. The boss man asked me to do it and I so here we are, though why you are with me I have yet to figure out.”

“I carry the heavy stuff and hold da light, right?”

“Whatever, and can you keep said light where I am working?”

“Ro-ight, sorry guv-nah.”

“There, that is the last of them. Now on to the package.”

“Package? Oh that must be the big thing ‘ere, crime-in-knee but it is big.”

“Hmmm, where to put it?”

“Yah know it kindda looks like a… 'Oly shite is this a bomb?”

“And what if it is?”

“Well I, don’t mind sneaking about and nicking me a few items here or there but killing is a ‘hole other matter.”

“A criminal with a conscience?”

“Bloody Hell mate, B & E is a far cry from MDK. Sides, what did this bloke do to warrant a bomb being placed in his flat anyways?”

“Don’t know, and I was not about to ask. They give me an assignment, and I do it, it is just that simple. Besides it may not be him they are after.”

“Wot? Hows that?”

“Maybe they are after someone coming here for a meeting.”

“So this bloke is going to become collateral damage?”

“Yeah, such is life.”

“I need to rethink my line of work.”

“Yeah, maybe you should. Hmmmmmmmmmmm… I am thinking perhaps the kitchen…”

“Nah, I think the sectional.”

“Huh?”

“Well if there is going to be a meeting, it will probably be held in there where there is more seating.”

“Good thinking. Why the change of heart?”

“Well if the poor soul is going to be blowed up I would rather it be quick and painless, rather than have ‘is limbs shorn off and be in agony.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.”

“Oh, sod off.”

#58

“What do you mean my name isn’t on the list”

"Your name is not on the list, I’ve checked three times now and you’re definitely not down,now step to one side.

“I’ve been here before, I know the manager from way back!”

“Look, I’ve told you, your friends and your name are not on here”.

“Ah, there’s a dancer in there…she must still work there…Name’s Evie”.

“Nice try…she left ages ago”.

"Let’s it go bro, we’re not getting in especially with this uptight bouncer guarding the way in.

“Yeah, you’re right homie. I hear there’s a club with seven dance floors and looser women, let’s go there”

<<might expand the piece - undecided>>

#59

OK, I made use of the spaces back where I had experienced the multiple postings issue. I felt I needed to make use of those spots, for Kharmic reasons. I hope you enjoy the new posts. :slight_smile:

#60

I hoped you liked what I put up - THoughts and comments would be welcome…What do you get from the piece.