I’d rather have Amanda Tapping* as The Doctor with David Hewlett as the companion.
*who wouldn’t
Part 2: THE DEFINITE SEXIE ARTICLE
Stemo and Caroline stood and shook Eddie’s hand.
“Eddie, I have to be straight with you, I’m a big fan” Stemo said slightly embarrassed.
“Well, thank you. You probably wouldn’t guess by these heels and this dress but I am straight too. Straight as an arrow. You know who likes arrows? Robin Hood. Now there was a bloke. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. How does that work exactly? ‘Here you go all of the impoverished peoples of the land, here is a sack of coins I stole for you. Here. You each get 1/1000th of a coin. Enjoy!’” Eddie responded casually. “oh. Sorry. Off the rails there for a moment. I was saying…saying…RIGHT! Executive Transvestite. I like girls. I’m a regular lad. I enjoy running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.”
Caroline nodded cautiously, “So, are you familiar with Doctor Who?”
“AbsoLUTELY!” he said throwing his back. “My Doctor was Baker. Brilliant stuff. Sarah Jane, meeting Davros, jelly babies, Nyssa. Love the new show as well. Eccleston was good and a bit AHHH. Tennant great as well, a bit more AMMMM. Matt Smith is a bit wacky, isn’t he? More of a NAAA with a sniff of YEEEE” he said contorting his face.
Stemo and Caroline both relaxed somewhat, clearly they were dealing with someone who knew the material. Stemo gave a wry smile, “Eddie, you have no idea the kind of blokes we have been getting in here today, most of whom have no idea or appreciation of what they are auditioning for. What is your take on the Doctor? What would an Eddie Izzard Doctor bring to the table?
“Isn’t it obvious?” Eddie replied and standing up. He stretched out his arms curving them up slightly in a gesture similar to a minister and said in his best basso profundo, “I bring you the solution to your problem.”
“What problem is that?” Caroline inquired.
“You certainly know the buzz out there. People are gnashing at the teeth for a female Doctor, why not give them a stepping stone, a middle ground, a compromise…give them a Transvestite Doctor!”
Caroline and Stemo looked at each other blankly.
“Think of it!” Eddie continued, “Me at the helm of the T.A.R.D.I.S. in fabulous sparkly nine inch heels and a form fitting red silk dress. It would be like Shakespeare meets Jon Stewart and they sit down for lunch in a café in Paris to discuss the merits of jam trousers and have a spot of tea. My sonic could double as a lipstick. IT WILL BLOW THEIR MINDS” he emphasized by punctuating each word by hitting the desk with an open hand”
“Interesting…” Stemo nodded his head.
“And once my companion Jenna Louise Coleman moves on we could have … wait for it…” he leaned forward and practically whispered:
…Sean Connery”
“Sean Connery?” Caroline exclaimed, “We don’t have that kind of budget! Hasn’t he retired?”
“He has” Eddie smiled confidently, “But you won’t need the actual Sean Connery if I talk like this” he ended with his spot on Connery impersonation.
Stemo scratched his chin in thought, “So you are proposing that you play both the Doctor and Sean Connery playing the Companion? Split screen? Would run up budget costs a bit.”
“Not split screen…” Eddie said sitting back down for dramatic effect. “…split personality, eh? EH? You also misunderstood me, I wouldn’t be playing Sean Connery playing the companion, I would be playing Sean Connery as the companion. The actual man who played Bond. And Zardoz. That’s who is in the T.A.R.D.I.S. Also nicely ties into the thought that Bond was a Time Lord”
“So,” Stemo brought his hands in front of his face thoughtfully, “You want to play the Doctor and the actual Sean Connery as your companion. Yourself. How would that work?”
Eddie puffed out his chest with pride and began speaking as both Doctor and Sean Connery by physically turning side to side each time he changed character, “I can ask a question to my companion and then answer the question with this accent pretending to be Sean Connery. Sean? Aye? Have you seen the cat? I think he is in the pool sailing the boat he built. A boat? Aye, a boat. The cat is in a boat. In the pool. That he built. Right. He is quite cunning with the laser spanner. He built it? He built it. Why? He is afraid of a flood. A flood? A flood. From what? A hot cheese explosion. Wait. What. Why? We got you a fondue pot for your birthday. You did? Yes. Happy birthday. So why is he worried about a hot cheese flood? We may or may not have linked the fondue pot directly into the Eye of Harmony. Why would you do that? Hotter cheese.
“This is bonkers!” Caroline exclaimed.
“Yes, yes it is bonkers.” Stemo nodded. “It is so bonkers it just might work.”
“I’d also like a cat” Eddie added sensing he was gaining ground. “I alluded to that in my duomonologue.”
“Great, well thank you for coming in Eddie. Truly an honour” Stemo said shaking Eddie’s hand.
“Ta! I’m off for a cheese bap!” replied Eddie and with wave and closed the door behind him.
Caroline looked at Stemo sternly. “You can’t be serious.”
“Sure I can. Look at me” Stemo made a frownie face and pointed at it, “I’m so serious.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it” she said crossing her arms.
“Wha, Eddie? C’mon. I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid. Brits would be fine with a transvestite Doctor, but the puritanical Americans will never go for it. Pity. That’s a Doctor who I would like to meet” He blinked, “A Doctor who I would like to meet, I need to write that down” he patted his pockets and looked around, “ok, who is next?”
Caroline looked relieved fearing that Stemo was serious about considering Eddie. As her eyes scanned the list for who was next all of the sudden all of the blood rushed out of her face. “Dear God, no…”
“Who is it?” Stemo asked concerned.
“Robert Pattinson” she replied gravely.
To be continued
Solai,
You had me at Eddie Izzard… you lost me at Robert Pattinson. He’s just so uninteresting, I, I, I…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
You will be pleased with that installment I promise you. I didn’t even know he was British. He will have an appropriate audition.
Emma Watson anyone?
[b]Part 3: TWILIGHT PART NONE
[/b]Robert Pattinson strode in the room “Hi, I’m…”
“NEXT!” Stemo yelled at the top of his lungs.
To be continued?
Part 4: Why not ISIS agent Sterling Archer as the Next Doctor?
Steven Moffat stared out the window into the gray. Another dreadfully long day. Outside it was yet another day of rain dampening his mood. Caroline Skinner, the other executive producer of Doctor Who sat next to him flipping yet ANOTHER round of headshots. Would they ever find the next mad man in a box to save the universe?
“Right. Who is next?” Moffat asked hoping for some shining light after days of searching.
Caroline glanced at the call sheet and furrowed her brow, “This can’t be right. Especially aftar Nathan Fillion we distinctly said no more Americans.”
Stemo glanced over, “Who is it?”
At that moment the door flew open and a confident handsome man strode in and shook their hands. “Hey there. I’m Sterling Archer. I think you’re looking at your next Doctor. Let’s talk about it. And…Look at me? Turning my phone off. That’s how important this meeting is to me. Just sayin.”
Archer was a fictional character on an animated TV show. Stephen and Caroline’s jaw dropped to see him in the flesh as a real person.
More out of curiosity, they bade Archer have a seat at the long conference table.
Moffat started thing off. “I’m actually a big fan of your show, but…I’ll be perfectly honest Mr Archer, I have hard to time picturing you as the Doctor. You realize don’t you that the character is by-and large an asexual man?”
“Nonsense. I’m totally a sexual… wait do you mean ‘a sexual man’ or ‘A sexual’ with like ‘A’ as in grade A?” said Archer.
“No no, you’re missing the…”
“Because I’d say A+ if we’re self-grading here. Hey, you got anything to drink?”
“This is an audition, not a cocktail part….”
“Don’t’ worry about it, I brought my own”, said Archer (pulls a flask out of his jacket pocket and poured scotch into an empty plastic cup, after emptying it’s water contents).
“Sir don’t you already have your own show Archer on FX Network? Quite a popular show in fact.”
“Yeah, but I have plenty of time on the off season. Besides, I wouldn’t mind being on a show where my mother isn’t looking over my shoulder all time. Besides she’s back on the new Arrested Development, SO WHY CAN’T I HAVE 2 SHOWS TOO DAMMIT?!”
“Well, it’s not our…”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Listen, Russell, you’re absolutely right that…” said Archer.
“Stephen. My name is Stephen Moffet. You’re confusing me with Russell T…” replied Stephen.
“Whatever…where was I …Yes, you’re right that my show Archer is popular. And with me as the new Doctor I’ll bring some changes to make Doctor Who more edgy. More sex, violence and snark is basically where I’m going with this.
(taken aback). “Do you have any notion of huge legacy and popularity Doctor Who has built over literally decades!!”
A production assistant opens the door to the conference room…looking surprisingly deferential one of three people entering the room. Addressing that person, the assistant says “Miss Tunt, they are in here. This is Steven Moffat and Caroline Skinner, they’ll able to help you with your …request.” ISIS members Cheryl Tunt, Ray Gillette and Pam Poovey walk in and find seats at conference table. Cheryl boldly picks a chair at the head of the table. The assistant closes the door
Caroline looking flabbergasted “This is private audition meeting. Who are you people?”
“Hi I’m Cheryl. You must be Stevie Muppet, right? Cool. I’ll get right to it. I want to be a companion on the show. And I want a steamy sex scene with Captain Jack Harkness.”
“Oh geez,” said Archer, swigging another drink. Pam, noticing his nearly empty glass pulls out an enormous bottle of bourbon filling a cup for everyone at the table.
“It’s Moffat…nevermind…who in god’s name are you?!” said Moffat.
“I’m Cheryl…I already said…Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. I just bought the BCC. You all work for me now, suckers. Now, let’s talk Harkness. I want a piece of that action.”
“The BCC is public service broadcaster that operates under a Royal Charter and a License and Agreement from the Home Secretary. You can’t buy it!” said Caroline.
“Money talks sweetheart. It’s a done deal. Can we get back to subject of hunky tall guys please?”
Caroline sighing to the inevitable. “You’re confused. You’re thinking of Torchwood”.
“Phrasing!” said Pam.
“Torchwood? Dang, I guess I didn’t know all the strange euphemisms you Brits have for penis.” said Cheryl
“Ms. Tunt. You do understand that Captain Jack Harkness is a fictional character, you can’t walk in here demanding to have sex with him.” said Moffat.
“Well I did. He was amazing in bed!! said Pam. All eyes turned to her.
“Oooh yes he is,” said Ray.
“What, Ray!! You banged him too?.” said Pam.
“We banged him together Pam in the same bed. You don’t remember?!” said Ray.
“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THE DETAILS OF EVERY THREESOME I’VE HAD WITH AN OMINSEXUAL IMMORTAL DUDE!” screamed Pam.
“You people have to ruin everything for me. I was just close to landing this Doctor gig.” said Archer.
Moffat replied “Honestly, you really didn’t have much of a ….”
Bored, Archer turned his phone back on to check Twitter and for any new texts. Suddenly Archer’s cell phone rings. “I better take this. …Oh, crap it’s my mother.”
continued on next page
(continued from previous page)
/// Sterling, it’s your mother.///
“Mother, I’m kinda busy.”
///This will only take a second. The folks over here at Netflix thought it would be neat if you’d come guest start on Arrested Development. And I told them you wouldn’t be interested. But they insisted I ask anyway. I’ll just tell them no….goodbye dear.///
“Wait! Hold on. Mother, What’s makes you think I wouldn’t be interested? Arrested Development is like uber-hot all the sudden“
///Oh Michael please. Don’t be a drama queen. Oh, …almost forgot. One other thing. Lana called. Apparently there’s a large force of Ninja Terrorists that have taken over the third floor of the BBC building you’re in, and she needs help. And all the elevators have been disabled.////
“What? Holy crap, Mother. You couldn’t have lead with that information about terrorists taking over this building first!? …also…did you just call me Michael?”
///I’m sure you kids will handle it. Good bye, dear. And good luck with that Doctor Trek show…or…whatever…///
“What was that all about?” said Ray.
“It was mother. She said Lana needs to be rescued. This is awesome.” said Archer.
Archer immediately jumped to his feet and leaped on the table and began ripping off the ceiling boards and yanking out long lengths of Ethernet cabling.
“What are you doing!!” said Moffat. Archer tied a length of cabling around his own waist and then around Stephen Moffat’s. He pulled out his gun, handing a spare gun to Moffat.
Archer explained. “Okay, you and I are going to jump out this big window and repel down the side of the building to the 3rd floor where the terrorists are, smash through the window and start shooting bad guys. Oh…and then we’ll rescue helpless Lana. This is gonna be awesome.”
“But why in heaven are you taking me!” said Moffat.
“Huh? Oh. So we can talk on the way down. Doctor Who needs more sex. First, I wanna talk about the Companions in previous seasons.”
Archer first checked the cables around both their waists was secure, then, grabbing Moffat, he flung the two of them through the large glass window shattering it.
Soon they were repelling down the side of the building. Archer takes out his phone and makes a call.
“Hey Lana, it’s me. Guess what? I’m coming to rescue you? Totally cool, huh? Be down in a couple minutes. I got this Russell T. Davies guy with me too. You’ll love him.”
///Archer, you JACKASS. I don’t need to be rescued. I need BACK UP. I already took down 15 Ninjas single handedly. Where have you been? I had to call your mother to find you!! ///
“Oh, sorry. I turned my phone off. I was in a meeting. I’ll be there to rescue you in just a little bit.”
///Asswipe!!//
“She hung up on me. Typical. Anyway” turning to Moffat who with a terrified look on this face was inching his way down the side of the building. “Uh…don’t look down, we’re like 12 stories up. So, anyway. Let’s start with Rose Tyler. If I’d been the Doctor, I would banged her a couple episodes into the Eccelson season. Nice looking piece of tail that one. And clearly she was on the outs with her boyfriend Mickey very early on.”
“Mister Archer….now is really not the time…” said Moffat terrified of the long drop below.
“Okay, now Martha Jones. I understand the whole ‘unrequited love’ thing is dramatic. But…I would have tapped that. I would have requited her,—requited her hard---- you know what I’m saying? Am I even saying that right?”
“You really have no concept of the character of Doctor WhoooooAAAHH!!, in mid sentence Moffat lost his footing nearly falling to his death. Archer grabbed him saving his life. And refastening the cable around Stephen.
“Okay, now let’s talk Donna Noble. Really nice breasts. And red heads, oh my god, am I right? Anyway. I wouldn’t buy the whole “I just want to be friends” thing. Tennant didn’t have what it took if you asked me. With me there would have been some sexual tension and we’d be basically talking friends with benefits IYKWIM.”
By now Archer and Moffat and made their way down to the window of the 3rd floor.
“Damn, I haven’t even gotta to Amy Pond and Clara Oswin yet" said Archer. "Oh well, we’ll talk about them later. Okay, Russell. I’m going to count up to 3 and on 3, we smash feet first thru this window. Then we do dive rolls and then come up shooting. Blast away at any Ninja Terrorist you see. If you see a hot lady with big breasts, that’s Lana. Don’t shoot her. And let me rescue her. It’s a thing…fun for me.”
“I…really …don’t think this is a good idea. Besides aren’t you drunk?” said Moffet.
“Please, if you knew how many times if done this sort of thing wasted you’d have never come with me.” said Archer. “Okay. One,…Two ….THREE!!”
At three, Archer and Moffat smashed through the window, Archer immediately dive rolling and cat-like coming up instinctively into a shooting position. He shot down four Ninja in quick succession before he even look around to see the situation. Moffat meanwhile had jumped for cover around a spare mock of the TARDIS, hiding from danger.
Looking around the large store room, he saw Lana in a hand to hand fight with 3 Ninjas. To the side he saw that Lana has already dispatched 7 others. But unfortunately one of them had knocked her gun from her hand.
Lana with a sweeping kick to two and a punch to the 3rd, took out the three attackers on her. But four more were aiming guns at her. Archer grabbed her out of the rain of bullets just in time, pulling them both into another empty TARDIS box.
Archer and Lana’s bodies were forced to be close together in the cramped space. “Hey, I thought these things were bigger on the inside?” said Lana.
“Phrasing” said Archer. “By the way…I totally just rescued you just now.”
“Shut up!” said Lana. Lana, knowing Archer well, knew exactly where he kept his 3rd spare gun.
“I can feel your spare gun pressing against me. Can I borrow it please?” said Lana.
“That’s not my …oh…yeah. Okay.”
Pulling it out of Archer’s thigh holster, Lana threw open the TARDIS doors and flung herself into a prone shooting position on the ground. She fired immediately taking out the 3 of the remaining Ninjas. Archer swung his gun through the doors and took out the last one.
“Well that was anticlimactic.” said Archer.
“We’re not done yet, waffle-brain. There’s a BOMB over there by that dead Ninja!” said Lana.
The bomb had a ticker timer and in the melee it got activated. 43 seconds until BOOM!!
As Archer ran over to it and examined it, Lana looked over her shoulder and handed him her knife. “CAREFUL…Cut the green wire…but do NOT touch the yellow wire, or you’ll blow this whole building to smithereens!!”
“Oh, that yellow wire green wire stuff is all a myth.” said Archer. Standing, he aimed his gun at the bomb’s fuse apparatus and fired. The timer froze at 29 seconds and stopped.
“You. Stupid. Idiot.” said Lana.
“Hey, it worked. Give me a break” said Archer.
Walking over to the TARDIS box where Moffat was under cover, and Archer picked him up and dusted him off. “So, am I the next Doctor, or what?”
Shaken……staring in awe at the dead bad guys and bullet ridden Doctor Who props and spare TARDIS exteriors throughout the room….Moffat returned his gaze to Archer and said.
Breathing hard, he said “I will ….take it under strong consideration.”
To be continued (?)
Not fair, Robert Pattinson can act-they just didn’t let him act in Twilight.
(and if rumors are to be believed-no one hated Twilight more than him)
Neil Gaiman chimed in with his two bits recently on his blog and on the GoodReads site: http://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/4311518-on-casting-the-doctor
It sounds like they will be naming the Doctor soon. I have come to the point where I hope they just pick a Doctor that will have a similar style as the 10th had. Where he has compassion but you are so screwed once he cross him. A Doctor who will give you a chance to take the correct path and when you don’t, no second chances. So my pick goes to the writers to create this version of the Doctor.
If we can’t get him as The Doctor, it would still be the best SNL skit ever.
So weird. Could have sworn I replied to this. Originally wrote something to the effect of, 'you are absolutely right. Totally unfair to make him the butt of a joke for a movie I couldn’t make it through, so I am not in a position to properly judge his character. However, I still find it funny."