Allow me to share my mental image of the last book.
Picture if you will a vast meadow, filled with tire tracks from a large jeep and a cadre of faintly sparkly people in dark velvet cloaks. They advance menacingly across the meadow towards their prey, a small coven of misbehaving children, easily quashed by the powerful cadre and their supporters who trail along in their wake. A menacing growl breaks the silence of the early morning and the cadre stops, pondering the meaning of this sound. Whatâs this? Werewolves? WTF? The cadre blinks in curiosity and confusion.
A voice, intelligent and thoughtful wafts acros the misty ground to the leader of the cadre, âYou better hold up right there buddy, Iâve got lots of bad ass on my side and weâll whoop your butt!â
âNo! I am powerful and old!â comes the defiant and confident reply.
âYeah? Well Iâm young and smart. And I ⌠think I can take you. gulp MaybeâŚâ
âNever! I will attack you without provocation and destroy you without breaking a nail!â
Hissing ensues from the various parties and they edge closer to each other, throwing their abnormally silly âpowersâ at each other in a show of how violent and bad ass they are despite their poofy outward appearances. The âpowersâ colide and the sparkly beings hesitate for a moment as they try to figure out who is better at the whole power thing. Neither can decide.
The break and return to their team sides to confer with each other as to how to best spank the other side without putting forth any real effort. A few of the younger ones slip out (as teenagers are prone to do) and taunt the other party to prove the superior bad assery of their team. A few of the other team wince slightly and ignore the taunting. The bad assery is denied.
This denial of bad assery makes the leader of the cadre of sparkly dudes and dudettes miffed and huffy. He attacks with a close approximation of effort. Dawn breaks across the meadow as dawn is wont to do in novels titled âBreaking Dawnâ and the light shimmers across the mist igniting the insane sparkly bits of the vampires massed there. The wolves whine and squint around the intenseness of the sparkling and decided that hanging with vampires just ainât worth it when you canât wear dark shades.
The brilliantly shimmering cadre attacks as one and the smaller group huddles in fear as they brace themselves for certain death, or whatever happens to vampires when they get bi*** slapped by older vampires with freaky skillz. Yet oddly, nothing happens to them. The glance around in wonder and their topaz gems of eyes alight on their saviour, her shallow vapidness enfolding them like a warm blanket as her silky cape flaps in the breeze that wasnât there a moment ago. She is a hero to them, her hands braced on her hips as she stands fearless in the sunlight against the cadre of old dudes. They will not harm her family! NO! That would be like mean and it would mess up her happy ending.
She stamps her foot petulantly and whines across the meadow, âYou leave my family alone! Youâre mean and not at all nice and Iâm not scared of you because Iâm all sparkly and super like now. So go home!â
Her words have great power over the ancient cadre and they cannot deny her intense pouting, âOkay, weâre out. Câya!â
They turn and leave.
And they lived happily ever after, well after she expanded her super powers and learned how to do all kinds of things that she had always wanted to do, like read her oh so perfect husbandâs perfect mind and all that neat stuff.
The EndâŚunless I need more money in the future then Iâll come up with more crap that teenagers across the world will buy no matter what.
**** Anyone think that oneâs better? Definitely shorter and approximately the same result.
Now donât get me wrong, I liked parts of the last one, Jacob was a riot and I actually liked Renesmee too. But Super Mary SueâŚermâŚBella just made my teeth hurt.