Old Trek text files

Television, Movies Games and Books Star Trek
#1

I’m cleaning up my computer today and found some old text files from my BBS days. Thought I’d share them as I find them funneh.

First up…Top 100 reasons Kirk is a better Captain than Picard:

  1. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
  2. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
  3. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
  4. One Word: Hair.
  5. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
  6. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
  7. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
  8. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher – and damn the consequences!!
  9. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
  10. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
  11. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
  12. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
  13. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
  14. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache – and it’s a beauty.”
  15. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
  16. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
  17. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale
    population.
  18. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?”
  19. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
  20. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
    Federation.
  21. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively
    healthy.
  22. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
  23. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
    advantage.
  24. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off – even around those
    pesky Yeomans.
  25. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon
    Hill.
  26. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
  27. One Word: Velour.
  28. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
  29. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to
    climbing rocks.
  30. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
    Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
    Enterprise.
  31. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
  32. One Word: Iman.
  33. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
  34. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
    its neck.
  35. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
  36. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
  37. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
  38. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him
    out of intergalactic scrapes.
  39. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
  40. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
  41. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!”
  42. Kirk is not politically correct.
  43. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busybody
    named after a letter of the alphabet.
  44. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
  45. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be
    dead.
  46. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a
    “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
  47. One Word: Miniskirts.
  48. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light.
  49. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
    shirts.
  50. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the
    trombone.
  51. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
  52. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
    translated as “GO F*CK YOURSELF.”
  53. If something doesn’t speak English – it’s toast.
  54. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archaeology fan.
  55. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
  56. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
  57. Picard never met Joan Collins.
  58. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
  59. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk – probably millions.
  60. Kirk has a cool phaser – not some pansy Braun mix-master.
  61. Two Words: Line Delivery.
  62. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
    with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to
    put himself through school.
  63. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
  64. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate,
    charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies.
    (Need we say more?)
  65. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
  66. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippie goofs.
  67. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
  68. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock
    only.
  69. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
  70. One Word: Fisticuffs.
  71. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
  72. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
  73. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
  74. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
  75. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
    resources.
  76. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
  77. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
  78. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
  79. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender – until they met
    Kirk.
  80. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
  81. Two Words: Crane Shots.
  82. Picard likes wimpy violin music – and coerces Data into playing it.
  83. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
    things, like Tribbles.
  84. Kirk is a cultural icon – Picard is just some guy who’s really
    nice.
  85. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
  86. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
  87. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses – and nobody dares to
    call him “four eyes.”
  88. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon –
    easily.
  89. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
  90. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
    doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
  91. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock
    on shore leave.
  92. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
    ensign.
  93. Kirk doesn’t test the engines – he just fires them up.
  94. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it.
  95. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
  96. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
  97. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even
    impressed.
  98. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
  99. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
  100. One Word: Balls.
#2

Star Trek: The Next Generation Rhapsody:

Data: Is everyone ready? Lets begin. (blows into a harmonica)

ALL: Is this the real life…is this just fantasy. Caught in a wormhole,
no escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and
see…

Wesley: I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.

ALL: Because I’m easy come, easy go.

Data & Wesley: Little High

LaForge & O’Brien: Little Low

Wesley: Any way the wind blows

ALL: Doesn’t really matter to me…

Wesley: To me… (a holographic image of Riker starts playing the
keyboard line)

Wesley: Mama, just killed a Rom. Put a phaser to his head, pushed the
button, now he’s dead. Mama, life has just begun, and now I’ve
gone and thrown it all away. Mama…oooohhhh, didn’t mean to
make you die. If I’m court-marshaled here this time tomorrow,
carry on…carry on…cuz it doesn’t really matter. Too
late…my time has come. Sent shivers down my spine, cadets
whining all the time. Good-bye everybody, I’ve got to go. Gotta
leave you all behind or face Jean-Luc…Mama…oooohhhhh

Other 3: Anyway the wind blows

Wesley: I don’t wanna die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.

The other 3 hold up signs saying “So Do We!” as a holographic image of
Worf plays the guitar line.

Wesley: I see a little Telerite on the viewer.

Other 3: Scare Jean Luc, Scare Jean Luc, will you do the Borg dance,
though?

ALL: Phaserbolt and fighting, very very frightening, ME!

Data & Wesley: Galileo

O’Brien & LaForge: Galileo

Data & Wesley: Galileo

O’Brien & LaForge: Galileo

ALL: Galileo Shuttle, oh

Data & Wesley: Stargazer, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wesley: I’m just a bright boy, everybody loves me.

Other 3: He’s just a bright boy, from a bright family. Spare us his life
from this monstrosity.

Wesley: Easy come, easy go, you can’t make me go.

Other 3: This moron, GO! We want this boy to go!

Data & LaForge: Make him go!

Other 3: This moron, we want this boy to go!

Data & LaForge: Make him go!

Other 3: Want this boy to go.

Data & LaForge: Make him go.

Other 3: Want this boy to go.

Wesley: Never

Other 3: Make him goooooooooooooooo.

ALL: Go go go go go go GO!

Wesley: Oh mama mia, mama mia.

Other 3: Mama mia’s dead, you know.

Other 3: Beverly C’s got a devil for a son.
Wesley…Wesley…WesLEY!!!

Wesley: Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters,
nothing really matters…to…me.

ALL: Anywhere the wind blows…

Data lightly bangs the gong.

Data: Program off.

#3

Star Trek: The Quest for the Holy Grail

Old man: What is your name?
Kirk: James T. Kirk, Captain of the Earth Federation Starship
Enterprise.
Old man: What is your quest?
Kirk: To boldly go where no man has gone before!
Old man: What is your favorite color?
Kirk: White… Black… No, wait, green… AAAIIEEEEE!!!

[Kirk is hurled into the Alternate Dimension of Eternal Peril]

Old man: What is your name?
Picard: Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Federation Starship
Enterprise.
Old man: What is your quest?
Picard: To boldly go where no one has gone before!
Old man: What is the warp-speed velocity of a cloaked bird of prey?
Picard: What do you mean, Klingon or Romulan?
Old man: I don’t know that… AAAIIEEEEE!!!

[Old man is hurled into the Alternate Dimension of Eternal Peril]

#4

Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If…

  1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
  2. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
  3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”
  4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”
  5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”
  6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum
    foil
  7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
  8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing
    frequencies”
  9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
  10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
  11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
  12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”
  13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
  14. He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”
  15. He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”
  16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
  17. He paints the starship John Deere green
  18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”
  19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”
  20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
  21. He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”
  22. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
  23. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
  24. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of
    beans and weenies
  25. He sets phaser to “Cajun”
#5

“You might be a Redshirt if…”

OK, go.

#6

And for the Picard lovers:

Top 100 reasons why Picard is better than Kirk

  1. Picard doesn’t need to hop in the sack to prove his masculinity.
  2. If Kirk had been killed in the first episode, the show would have
    been reduced to 30 minutes of good acting.
  3. Picard has learned patience. Kirk couldn’t learn the alphabet.
  4. Kirk didn’t have the brains to read a book or appreciate fictional
    characters like Dixon Hill.
  5. Picard admits he’s made mistakes. It takes a real man to admit
    their errors.
  6. Picard can tell the difference between a real woman and a mirage.
  7. If a group of 10 sex starved women were being rescued by the
    captain of the Enterprise; if it were Kirk, they’d run away
    screaming, “We’ll wait for the next ship!”
  8. Picard can walk the walk.
  9. Picard can talk the talk.
  10. Kirk can do neither without seeming like an ape.
  11. Kirk would never have allowed an episode involving a dream
    sequence in which Deanna and Worf become lovers. It would have
    taken away too much attention from him.
  12. Kirk wouldn’t wear a kilt because people would have laughed at his
    legs and he would have had to kill the entire crew.
  13. If Kirk had met the Borg, they wouldn’t have assimilated him.
    They would have discarded him as space debris.
  14. The Borg only assimilate intelligent life.
  15. Picard cares if the crew lives or dies.
  16. Picard hasn’t contributed to the population explosion.
  17. Picard had the sense to get rid of the ugly doctor and get Beverly
    back.
  18. Kirk’s girlfriends looked best in complete darkness.
  19. Kirk left the Enterprise to become a police captain.
  20. Picard is still on the Enterprise.
  21. Kirk has not aged well.
  22. Picard has aged beautifully.
  23. The creator’s wife doesn’t follow Kirk around making cow eyes at
    him!
  24. Do women swoon when they hear “Beam me up, Scotty?” No? How about
    “Make it so?” See the difference?
  25. Kirk never said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!” because
    he was already out of there at the first hint of trouble.
  26. A holodeck would have been a waste to Kirk.
  27. Picard can pilot the Enterprise though a mine field.
  28. Picard drinks Earl Grey tea.
  29. Picard can actually speak to an android of high intelligence and
    be understood.
  30. Kirk had low performance technology because he couldn’t handle
    high performance technology.
  31. Nobody wonders about what Picard does with his first officer…
  32. Kirk doesn’t have a maneuver named after him.
  33. Picard’s science officer has perfect recall, knows the Vulcan neck
    pinch, and never sleeps.
  34. Kirk goes into the past, Picard goes into the future.
  35. Picard’s Chief of Security wears chain mail.
  36. When going into warp, Picard’s Enterprise changes shape and
    disappears in a brilliant flash of light. Kirk’s Enterprise just
    makes a whooshing sound.
  37. Three letters: ILM.
  38. Kirk never ran around Starfleet Headquarters firing phasers at
    Admirals.
  39. Picard mastered the flute in twenty-five minutes.
  40. When Picard’s Enterprise cloaks, it can travel through solid rock.
  41. Picard never got obsessed by the idea of killing a cloud.
  42. When Picard gets captured by Romulans, he fights his way out. When
    Kirk gets captured by Romulans, he pretends that he’s dead until
    they go away.
  43. Picard got stabbed in the chest and lived.
  44. If Kirk wants a Bird of Prey, he has to steal one. Picard just has
    to ask, and the Klingons give him one.
  45. Picard’s nemesis: an omnipotent malevolent being. Kirk’s nemesis:
    a beer-bellied liar.
  46. When Kirk was Picard’s age, they made him retire.
  47. Kirk’s first officer plays chess and loses. Picard’s first officer
    plays poker and wins.
  48. Picard’s food processor: a transporter with voice recognition.
    Kirk’s food processor: a sliding door with buttons.
  49. When he’s bored, Picard reads Shakespeare. When he’s bored, Kirk
    wrestles with young boys.
  50. Picard: artist, swordsman, musician. Kirk: swaggering, tin-plated
    dictator with delusions of godhood.
  51. Picard’s first officer can (and does) get it on with a woman more
    often than once every seven years.
  52. Picard’s Enterprise has windows.
  53. Picard is assigned to protect the Klingon Empire from invasion by
    Romulans. Kirk is assigned to protect bins of wheat from invasion
    by tiny fuzzballs.
  54. Picard succeeds in protecting the Klingon Empire from invasion by
    Romulans. Kirk fails to protect bins of wheat from invasion by tiny
    fuzzballs.
  55. Picard got blasted in the chest and lived.
  56. Picard’s first officer never borrows the Enterprise without asking
    first.
  57. Picard’s engineer has x-ray vision.
  58. One word: replicators.
  59. Picard makes a much better Romulan.
  60. Picard has never blown up more than half of his ship.
  61. To Picard, his mission is more important than his sex.
  62. Two words: No toupee.
  63. Picard is a man of the world from Paris. Kirk is just a stupid
    farmer from Iowa.
  64. Picard has style.
  65. One word: Fencing.
  66. Picard said once: “There…are…FOUR…lights!”
  67. Picard decoded the last message of the Creators almost
    single-handedly.
  68. Picard likes a good breakfast.
  69. Picard wasn’t ashamed of hanging completely nude before a
    Cardassian.
  70. Picard never wore crumpled or torn uniforms.
  71. Picard refused to take a command until he had enough experience.
    Kirk took a command as soon as he could - and was captured and held
    prisoner on every third mission.
  72. If Picard ever met Trelane, he’d win the fencing duel.
  73. Picard never had to blow up the Enterprise.
  74. Picard said: “Merde!”
  75. Picard has never toyed around with history, but if he had to, he
    always restored it as it was.
  76. Picard never gave his officers childish nicknames like “Bones” and
    “Scotty”.
  77. Picard’s first officer doesn’t play some wimpy harp - he jams with
    his trombone.
  78. Picard speaks Klingonese fluently.
  79. Picard’s hobby is more interesting than collecting books - he’s the
    24th century Indiana Jones.
  80. If Picard finds an alien computer, he knows how to deal with it and
    does not have to blow it up.
  81. Picard didn’t have to cheat at the Kobayashi Maru Test.
  82. Two words: designer shuttles
  83. Picard grew up at a vintage and carried baskets of grapes all day
    long while Kirk simply lay in the hay with all girls of the
    village.
  84. Picard once saved the Enterprise from terrorists, all alone, only
    with a laser cutter. Bruce Willis would be proud.
  85. Picard was challenged by a god eight days a week - and always won.
  86. Picard’s doctor looks better than Kirk’s and never said: “Dammit,
    Jean-Luc, I’m a doctor, not an escalator!”
  87. To capture Picard, you need a real trap. To capture Kirk, you say:
    “Hey, Captain, here’s a pit” and push him in.
  88. Picard’s chief engineer has never been drunken in service.
  89. Picard’s second officer can paint WELL!
  90. Picard never destroyed a ship, only in self-defense.

And here are the Top Ten reasons why Picard is REALLY better than Kirk:

  1. Picard’s officers get promoted. Kirk’s get court-martialed.
  2. When Picard’s senior officers get killed, they stay dead.
  3. Picard can save his ship being ensnared on the holodeck.
  4. Picard never had problems finding dilithium.
  5. Picard died, met God and wasn’t even impressed.
  6. Picard’s picture is beside the word confidence in the dictionary.
  7. Picard has the balls to stand among hundreds of Klingons and argue
    with them.
  8. Kirk never knew Scotty lied to him about the status of the engines
    because he didn’t understand the Enterprise didn’t use gas.
  9. Picard’s science officer has a detachable head.

And here’s for the real, ultimate, beating reason:

  1. Picard LIVES!
#7

What if Data were Microsoft Windows Compatible?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory
to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a
lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is all-important! I want
those shields up right now.

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to
cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
communications channel which is not responding. You will lose
any information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data’s left ear.]

PICARD: Shields…

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal
memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don’t have Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from
somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that
person wasn’t knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She
specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the
usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What’s going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do
anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full
battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi,
appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
Captain?

#8

And finally a Quiz for all the Trek experts…

                          STAR TREK TRIVIA QUIZ
		        by Warren Siegel

It’s multiple choice, so feel free to make multiple choices.

SCORE: 5 points for each question answered (correctly or incorrectly),
10 bonus points for reading the instructions.

            0-4:  You're not trying!
            5-9:  Better luck next time!
          10-14:  Pretty good!  I guess you've watched the show
                  once!
          15-19:  Excellent!
    20-infinity:  Expert!  Now you're ready for Wheel of Fortune!

WARNING: There may be spoilers, but you won’t be able to tell if I’m
just being facetious.

(Rats!! How do you type “^L” on a Macintosh?)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(1) Tripoli is
(a) the ship that discovered Data
(b) a city with as many shores as Montezuma had halls
© Dolly Parton’s bra cup size

(2) James T. Kirk is/was/will be
(a) in command of the Enterprise
(b) a real fun guy
© a real fungi

(3) When did Captain Picard surrender?
(a) The Captain never surrenders, you pig!
(b) That wimp surrenders every chance he gets!
© I thought Kirk was Captain!

(4) Identify the first ship named Enterprise.
(a) It was Capt. Kirk’s ship, NCC-1701.
(b) No way, the aircraft carrier was eons before that!
© Wait, wasn’t there some old wooden ship with that name?
(d) The only ship name I remember is “Galactica.”

(5) Where is the alien origin of Mr. Spock?
(a) The planet Vulcan.
(b) The planet Epsilon Eridani 2.
© 'E’s from America, mate!

(6) Leonard McCoy is
(a) a doctor, not an engineer!
(b) a doctor, not a brick layer!
© a doctor, not an escalator!
(d) sick and tired of your damn logic, Mr. Spock!

(7) Mr. Spock is
(a) the best first officer in the fleet
(b) a pointy-eared hobgoblin
© a Chinese who, as a child, caught his ears in an automatic
rice-picker

(8) Natasha Yar is
(a) dead, twice
(b) a crybaby chief of security
© Pavel Chekov’s love child
(d) Boris Badenov’s partner

(9) Deanna Troi is
(a) in great pain
(b) a great pain
© the face that launched a thousand starships
(d) She has a face, too?

(10) Lieutenant Uhura is
(a) Kirk’s receptionist
(b) Kirk’s secret lover
© the token black woman on the show, replacing the black guy
in the pilot
(d) smarter and better-looking than Troi, or at least not as
much of a nag

(11) Wesley Crusher is
(a) a brilliant young man who saved the Enterprise zillions of
times and deserves more respect (right, Mom?)
(b) a precocious child
© an obnoxious little twit
(d) Don’t EVER mention that name to me again!

(12) A tribble is
(a) really cute and cuddly
(b) a pest
© delicious
(d) Wesley Crusher in his larval stage

(13) In “The Deadly Years,” the Enterprise was in orbit around
(a) Gamma Hydra 3
(b) Gamma Hydra 4
© It doesn’t matter, because Kirk’s a better man now than
you’ll ever be!

(14) Vulcans have sex
(a) never
(b) once every 10 years
© only when they go back in time, are under control of alien
organisms, or on a spy mission
(d) telepathically, so you can’t tell (watch the eyebrows)

(15) Klingons like
(a) red meat
(b) laxatives
© sex and violence, simultaneously
(d) growling and howling
(e) cute little boys

(16) Klingons hate
(a) diplomacy
(b) funerals
© dentists
(d) toupees

(17) Betazeds like
(a) nudity
(b) pain
© seducing Vulcans telepathically

(18) Androids like
(a) bad jokes
(b) petty bickering
© naked wiring

(19) Khan’s full name is
(a) Genghis Khan
(b) Khan Noonian Singh
© Khan Noonian Soong
(d) Star Trek Khan '90

(20) A Romulan’s personality can best be described as
(a) mean
(b) arrogant
© acting like he had Wesley for a son

(21) A Klingon’s personality can best be described as
(a) honorable
(b) constipated
© acting like he had Wesley for a lover

(22) At maximum warp, how long would it take the Enterprise to reach
the edge of the Galaxy?
(a) They haven’t even gotten to the Borg under their own power,
so it must take centuries.
(b) They got there in the pilot, so it couldn’t take more than
an episode.
© They haven’t even figured out that the Galaxy is a lot
thinner in the direction perpendicular to its plane, so
forget it!

(23) When the transporter creates a copy of a person down on a planet,
where does the original in the transporter chamber go?
(a) It’s the same one, dummy! He gets transmitted 1 atom at a
time to save postage!
(b) He gets disintegrated, then reintegrated from pure energy
down on the planet. Transporter chiefs have the same
privileges as executioners, so they can disintegrate people
with impunity.
© The originals wind up on that same planet with all the lost
pens and socks. They are then used as extras in other
series, or become those doppelgangers from alternate
universes.

(24) How can I get on an episode of Star Trek?
(a) Dress up as an alien at every Star Trek Con until you get
discovered.
(b) Send Gene threatening letters.
© Put yourself in suspended animation, and then just wait
until the 24th century!

(25) All answers to this quiz should be directed to
(a) /dev/null
(b) the Vulcan Science Academy
© Gene Roddenberry
(d) rec.arts.drwho

#9

Amen!

That’s cold. tear

#10

Yup, but remember I didn’t write it I just saved it as it was.