ATTN: All Galactic Republic Minions
BCC: All Galactic Confederacy Minions
RE: Newest Quarterly Report Info
Hey Guys!
It’s been a banner year for us, as I’m sure everybody knows. We’ve got 100,000 units online, and will be purchasing another 250,000 as the next quarter rolls in. The PR and Marketing guys really think we’re going to get some serious “brand recognition” with the new look of the Clone Wars. Thumbs up, everyone, and hats off to our crack Logistics Dept. for suggesting we buy in bulk.
In related news, however, the Accounting Dept. has let me know that due to our sharp increase in expenditures – and I assure you this whole affair should wind down before you can say “Mission Accomplished” – we’ve needed to make some in-house cutbacks. As you’re all already no doubt aware, we’ve had to change our HMO from United Galactic Healthcare to MeatWagon LLC. Rest assured, however, MeatWagon has an excellent record, and have offered us an outstanding corporate rate.
And let me take this opportunity to address some issues that have been raised by several of you who have already taken advantage of the new medical plan. First: only prosthetic limbs are covered by the plan, as clearly stated in the literature. I know some of you were partial to the previous HMO’s “clone-donor replacement program”, but as we all know, clones aren’t cheap. Second: I’ve already had two e-mailed complaints about the artificial respirators they were provided. I would like to point out that our new HMO has done some trailblazing work in adapting the common outboard motor to this end, and apart from some petty criticisms (wheezing, coughing, incessant raspy intake/outtake valves), the final product is both effective AND cost-effective. I believe that the savings we’ll be seeing will help the organization in the long run, and have no doubt morale will be seeing a quick turnaround after this conflict is behind us.
So let’s keep up the good work, and shift some paradigms out there!
Sincerely,
Doug Palpatine, Supreme Chancellor
