Hey everyone. I’m stepping out of twitter and facebook to bitch and moan on this old, safe, friendly forum. Almost two months ago, my wife, the love of my life, asked me for a separation, probably leading to divorce. We had come home from a weekend trip to New York (she accompanied me on a business trip and we had a pretty good time, although now she talks about it not being a very big deal at all) and she started viciously picking on me. First, about how I don’t think about others, even saying I had “never done anything for (her) and the girls”, then gradually escalating over ten days till she lost it over a calendar error after which she told me, over text message, that “I’m done, asshole.” So I told my mother-in-law that her error in the calendar may have cost me my marriage. After a few days of sulking, though, I thought she was starting to get over it, when she said she wanted out BECAUSE of what I said to her mom. Apparently, she thinks of me as emotionally abusive and wanted out.
Of course, three years ago, we’d had this big blowup over my temper, but I sought therapy, got a hold of my issues, and started making amends to the point that we seemed stronger than ever.
After a while, though, I finally got her to agree to marriage counseling. She saw it as a way to transition to divorced co-parenting, I hoped for a reconciliation. Our marriage counselor acknowledged this, saw us together once, then twice each on our own, and we have our next joint appointment this Saturday. Things had been moving in a good direction, even though I’m living in my own place now. We see each other most days because of the kids, I found a new therapist for myself and started following our counselor’s advice that I take care of myself, get my life in order, offer The Mrs. friendship and not pursue her, because this would show her that I’m changing, and, hopefully, remind her of what attracted her to me in the first place. After that session, I found a place (I’d been living with a friend for a month), started complementing her and thanking her whenever appropriate, but not making any effort to engage, either way. She first started picking fights over email and/or text. Little things that were just passive aggressive, trying to engage passionately. I was done fighting, so I would say, “The Mrs., I’m sorry that this is causing you difficulty. That is not my intention. Let me see what I can do” or whatever was appropriate. She would write or call offering to buy me things for my apartment, and I would thank her, but remind her that I got it (one of her complaints with me is that I depend on her too much, she thinks). It led to a Friday afternoon conversation, at the end of all that, when she complimented and thanked ME for being more communicative (IRONY!) that week, and went off to do some shopping while I took my kids out to dinner. She texted me all through dinner with bathing suit ideas for the kids, etc., etc. This continued all week. Her emails became friendlier, the time we spent together at the house was better. We would have REAL conversations, not about our marriage or feelings (we’re not wanting to do that until we’re in front of our counselor. This is in part because we’re trying to protect each other legally until we can file for divorce–in our state, we can’t file until we’ve lived apart for a year–and partly because she’s scared that, if we don’t, the conversation will turn into a fight), but about little things that were increasingly reminding me (and, I hope, her) of what our relationship was like at its best. By Thursday night, when I brought up plans for the girls the following Friday, she mentioned that she’d bought “Frozen” on Blu Ray and wanted to watch it with them…then said that, maybe, I could watch it with them. Holy cow! I was so happy. The next morning she wrote to say that it was leftover night for the girls, what I should feed them, etc., and whether she should come home after 8. I was sad, because that meant she wanted out. I wrote her back saying, “oh, I thought we were going to watch the movie together. You’d mentioned wanting to participate.” To my surprise, she wrote back to say she’d be home at 6:30 then. The movie was great. I was so happy, but, I left the house emotionally very confused, and continued to be a wreck most of the next day. However, when she came over to my place to drop off the kids, she was friendly, complimented me on what I’d done with the place, etc. I took my kids out to dinner, and after that, brought them home. I sat down to talk to her and said, “you know, I’ve really liked taking to you this week.” She said, “yeah. I’m sorry I’m not very talkative right now, though.” I said, “no worries, I’m not either. I should probably go, because we can’t talk about the things I want to talk about till next week.” She said, okay, what are you doing with the girls tomorrow? I said I would text her. So, I did. Took the girls to the movies, then, when I dropped them off, things were a little cooler, but cordial.
Yesterday, things were still friendly. At Elena’s therapy appointment, we talked about our day, even shared silly online links in the waiting room. But, during our meeting with the therapist, she found out that Elena had told the therapist that “mommy wasn’t going to Puerto Rico with us” next month. The Mrs. says, “I didn’t talk to them about that yet, how does she know?” I said, " I don’t remember telling her, but I guess it could have come up." Then, the therapist asked about how things were, etc. and suggested we start having regular family meetings. We’ve never done family meetings, and I was still a little raw from our movie night, and I raised an objection. The Mrs. thought I was being defiant and wondered if she needed to remove herself from the room (the hell?), to which I replied that I wasn’t being defiant, just raising some concerns. Whatever. When I came home later that night with our oldest, after her piano lesson, she just lost it. “How dare you tell Elena about Puerto Rico. You took away my right to talk to her first.” I said I was sorry, but I didn’t remember talking to her, but that it wasn’t about HER right to anything, but about the kids, and that we are BOTH her parents and have the same rights here. “And what was that about the family meetings? I can’t believe, blah, blah” and I said, look, I’m sorry you’re upset, to which she said, “no you’re not. You’re not sorry.” I told her to get out of my head, that she didn’t have a right to assume what I felt or didn’t feel, etc. In any case, it all devolved into a rather sizeable fight, during which she complained that I’m dragging my heels on a custody/separation agreement (even though she had agreed to draft it and send it to me for edits, etc.), and complained that, well, she was going to have to stay up late to draft it, because she doesn’t have time to do anything until the girls go to bed. How she’s tired of hearing about my therapy, and all of the progress I’m making when she hasn’t had time to find her own therapist because of taking care of the girls at home. I reminded her that SHE wanted the separation, that I didn’t, and that’s the way things are right now, to which she said, cryptically, “I wanted, 'not this.” (Meaning, I suppose, no fighting over separation stuff.) She said, all that changed was that she’d stopped putting up with me, to which I said, “yeah, because I’m so awful.” “I’m not going to tell you, because it would just validate you,” she said, and I replied, “One day you’re going to realize what it is that you’re throwing away here.”
And that was about it. I haven’t talked to her much today, other than to email or text about the kids. I purposefully didn’t go into the house when I dropped the kids off this afternoon because I didn’t want to see her after last night, and now I’m afraid that the progress that had been made over the last two weeks is lost and that our counseling appointment is going to be awful on Saturday morning. I’m starting to wonder if I’M not the one being abused here. I’m feeling somewhat gaslighted, which is weird for a guy to say, I know, but I still love her and would like to reconcile.
Ugh!
