How to identify a bad book

GWC Community GWC Book Club
#1

This list of things that might identify a bad book were quite amusing to me, even though I’m not necessarily a fan of all of the genres they were culled from… for easy laughter (or groaning, where necessary), I’ve quoted below:

[ol]Are the characters’ names impossible to pronounce? Alternatively, when you pronounce them, do you realize that they are actually homonyms for scary-sounding English words? If the book is not written by Tolkien and is not a parody, it might be a Bad Book.[/ol]
[LIST=2]Do the characters glower at each other menacingly? Do they wear a lot of leather and call each other by French terms of endearment? Do the men have long hair and faces too beautiful to be borne? You might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=3]Do your villains have implicit/explicit homosexual tendencies that reflect the unthinking homophobia and unimaginative laziness of the author? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=4]Do your characters experience instantaneous mind-blowing attraction that causes them to act in increasingly stupid ways so that the plot moves forward because only mind-numbing lust could possibly justify how ridiculously moronic the otherwise lethal/professional/intelligent characters are suddenly acting? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=5]Does anyone lurk? If someone’s lurking, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=6]If you get to the end of the first chapter and all you know about the protags is the detritus of their lives and nothing that makes you think that detritus has a point — if you can’t remember their names, or what they’re fighting for, or who the villain is (and you don’t care) — you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=7]If your characters repeatedly ask each other to explain complicated plot points in a clearly expository fashion because otherwise you-the-reader would presumably have no idea what’s going on, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=8]If the physical description of the male protagonist brings to mind Fabio, Arnold, or Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, or if that of the female protagonist is eerily like Pamela Anderson or Angelina Jolie, you might be reading a Bad Book. Don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by its capacity for imagination.[/LIST]
[LIST=9]If the cover of the book is more interesting than the first chapter, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=10]If your main characters spend a great deal of time early in the book thinking about their respective Frozen Insides and Hardened Hearts, then meet each other, and suddenly it’s like someone put the microwave on thaw and Unchained Melody on the radio, you might be reading a Bad Book.[/LIST]
[LIST=11]Does the book begin with some sort of random sex scene meant to show you how desirable / virile one of the protags is because if you don’t know about his / her addictive sexuality you won’t understand why they’re supposed to be attractive given their lack of any other character traits of note? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book. Actually, you almost certainly are. Hopefully you didn’t pay money for it. If you did, I’m sorry. … Did you keep the receipt?[/LIST]
[LIST=12]Do your female characters sit around a lot thinking about how stupid they are, and how nice it is that the big strong hero will always protect them, even though they’re totally unworthy of the hero’s affection or respect? Do your male characters run around protecting the women-folk from their own Too Stupid to Live follies, doling out bruising, punishing kisses after the big rescue? If so, you’re definitely reading a Bad Book, no maybe about it. Go wash out your brain with Catherine MacKinnon Use the Listerine approach, though. Don’t take internally.[/LIST]
[LIST=13]If the author uses black skin as a symbol for all that is inhuman, scary, and dangerous in the first chapter, you are definitely reading a Bad Book. Return to the library as soon as possible with a post-it-note in the front cover warning unsuspecting readers.[/LIST]

#2

I like how every single one is number 1. :wink:

“If your characters repeatedly ask each other to explain complicated plot points in a clearly expository fashion because otherwise you-the-reader would presumably have no idea what’s going on, you might be reading a Bad Book.”

This reminds me of what Chuck calls “the Rick.” I was a little young for - was it Magnum, P.I.? - but the guy “Rick” always asks the dumb question so the less-savvy members of the audience can catch up. Or, in Star Trek parlance: “…We’ll sour the milk!”

#3

If your characters repeatedly ask each other to explain complicated plot points in a clearly expository fashion because otherwise you-the-reader would presumably have no idea what’s going on, you might be reading a Bad Book.

OTOH, if your characters don’t talk to each other like normal human beings do, which conveniently helps to further the plot, you might be reading a Bad Book. (Or watching The Message.)

#4

Don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by its capacity for imagination.

Thats a pretty good way to look at it actually.

#5

Interestingly enough, while the companion in Doctor Who is there to serve that purpose it works because the Doctor isn’t human, but when the CSI’s on CSI (Miami is the worst offender, probably because it’s the most unrealistic IMHO) talk like that it really irritates because I’m pretty sure professionals explain the science of the job to each other.

1. If the author has altered existing English words and uses them to describe futuristic (or similiarly non-existent) technology to increase the immersion in another world or to merely sound complex but instead it just sounds like gibberish, you’re reading a bad book (no probably about it).

#6

There was a series of books that came out when I was in high school called “The Nitpickers Guides” that called this type of character the “cabbagehead”: as in the TNG episode “Disaster” when Troi has to ask O’Brien and Ro what it means when the warp core breeches. “The ship will explode!” is Ro’s appalled answer. Seriously, even if you’re just the psychiatrist aboard a Navy ship, you know it’s bad news if the engines are headed for a meltdown.

#7

Though a favorite genre of mine, there are quite a few gripes with clichés in the Fantasy genre as well.

And if you get bored with that one, here is another list for Science Fiction.

Both lists are quite long.

#8

Wait a tick that sounds strangely like Adama towards Roslin. Of coarse the word “instantaneous” being used here in the BSG since of the word meaning several years.