Challenger 1: Solai
in : “You said fastballs!”
Things looked bleak for Team Hi-larious. At the top of the 9th the Empire had a massive lead of 312-0 which was not really surprising as four people were playing nine positions against a team with an infinite number of players and a pitcher who was clearly using the Force to his advantage…it wasn’t a pretty picture.
Austin wiped sweat from his brow, “Crikey, this just isn’t cricket!” “You think? Is that the problem? Have you been playing cricket this whole time?” Dr. Evil crossed his arms and leaned back. “Frickin’ moron.” “Yeah, did you see the Death Star vaporize my hit out of the sky?” Kyle chimed in. “This is hopeless!”
“Not hopeless,” Cartman mused, “we can’t win by playing by the rules…so it is time to change the game.”
“PLAY BALL!” The umpire called out. Austin strode out onto the field and took in the scene. Sixty-thousand stormtroopers filled the stands forming a wide and intimidating wall of humanity who didn’t like him much. On the mound stood Darth Vader like a fart in a car, silent but deadly. Austin stood behind the plate and raised his bat over his head. Darth Vader didn’t even bother to go through the motion of pretending to throw the ball anymore, he simply levitated it up out of his hand and then rocketed it towards the plate at 200 miles an hour shot vearing and bending impossibly then landing perfectly in the strike zone and knocking the catcher backwards 10 feet.
Dr. Evil gasped. “STRIKE ONE!” yelled the ump. “Now?” Asked Kyle. “Now” responded Cartman.
Cartman strode onto the field wearing black head to toe and walked directly to the pitcher’s mound. “Daaaaaaaaad! I have to go to the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathrooooooooooooooom!”
Darth looked down puzzled. “Um, who are you?”
“Daaaaaaad! What do you meaaaaaaaaaaaaaan? I’m your son Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!”
Darth scratched his head, “Wow son, you have really let yourself go” which was Cartman’s cue to start crying uncontrollably. “You said we could go to Toshi station to get some power converters! You promised!”
“Oh, ok, ok. I’m sorry son. I’ve had a lot going on at work. Let’s go” and with that they left the stadium to a surprised audience. Eight stormtroopers stood in the field looking at each other cluelessly, without their commander they were completely lost.
“Now what?” Kyle asked suddenly slightly hopeful. “Now we play by our frickin’ rules” Dr. Evil responded donning a Stormtrooper helmet. “Say hello to the Empire’s new pitcher.” Dr. Evil took the mount to thunderous applause by his fellow stormtroopers. Not only had decades of cloning left Stormtroopers fairly dim, they were also conditioned to accept the command of people who took charge.
Austin nodded at Dr. Evil who returned his nod. He wound up and lobbed an underhand pitch high into the air towards the plate. “Yeah baby!” Austin cried out and swinging the bat making fat contact with the ball he yelled, “YEAH!” as the ball sailed out of the park.
The first 100 runs quickly ticked off as Kyle and Austin took turns knocking baseballs over the wall. The second 100 runs went even faster as Dr. Evil commanded all the Stormtroopers to turn around and keep an eye on the Death Star so no one tried to steal it. The third 100 runs literally sailed by.
“I actually kind of wish fatboy was here to see this!” Kyle said a little embarrassed as he grabbed a new bat. “Oh you didn’t see him in the stands with Darth Vader?” Austin replied pointing behind home plate. “Oh no! If Darth is in the stands he is going to start manipulating our balls again!”
“No one manipulates my balls” Austin pursed his lips, “unless well, you know.” Kyle looked confused. “Right. Anywho, it looks like your friend is keeping him distracted.”
“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! I want a pretzel! Can I haaaaaaaaaaave a pretzel?” Cartman whined. Darth sighed “Luke, perhaps you should cut out the carbs for a while” “I’m going to tell Mom on you! Oh wait, I can’t…GUESS WHY?” As Kyle knocked the 313th run out of the park Darth responded totally defeated “Fine, have your pretzel. But those calories are going to be with you, always.”
FIN.
Challenger 2: Jimeni
SCORE ONE FOR JUSTICE
Team Clay Dragon:
CLAYFACE
BATMAN
MORRIGAN
FLEMETH
Clayface was excited, baseball once being his favorite sport – back before he became made of clay and pounding things proved even more fun.
CLAYFACE: Let’s play some baseball.
Clayface transformed into some baseball greats: Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Babe Ruth – finally settling on Hank Aaron.
CLAYFACE: I’m ready
MORRIGAN: Cute. Now, what, might I ask, is “baseball”?
After it was explained to the Fereldans, the two mages looked at each other flabbergasted.
FLEMETH: So, if I understand correctly, it’s all about men trying to whack balls with sticks, then running around in circles?
BATMAN: Let’s be clear here – it’s a diamond.
MORRIGAN: Oh, that’s perfectly sensible then.
BATMAN: Let’s go. We have a Dark Side to vanquish … or a baseball championship to claim.
By the time our heroes-villains arrived, the seventh game of the Inetergalactic Baseball Championship – which had been postponed due to the plague incident – was going horribly, with the Earth Trekkies down 8-0 against the Imperial Stormtroopers.
But our team of four had a plan and heart (the latter of which we all know Stormtroopers lack, and is an essential element of America’s favorite pastime).
So, the game resumed with the Stormtroopers up to bat.
Batman – having developed a mean throw and deadly accuracy (literally) from the batarang – pitched, throwing a nearly impossible-to-hit fastball.
Clayface played outfield – all of it. For any flyball, he’d stretch his arm, mutating the hand into a billboard-sized glove, catching everything that came his way.
Flemeth (in dragon form, of course) played shortstop and unleashed her fiery dragonbreath on any Stormtrooper attempting to get past second. Soon they stopped trying to advance at all, leading to countless force outs.
Naturally, this got Manager Vader quite pissed and he’d Force choke his cowardly players, leaving them with a most uncomfortable decision – death by scorching or death by strangulation from afar.
When Vader got a littler wiser and tried force choking Flemeth, Morrigan responded by ejecting him from the game – via a nice petrify spell.
The players also had fun with taunting the Stormtroopers – another key element, they were told, of the game.
Some examples:
MORRIGAN: (to a Stormtrooper at first) Well, well, what have we here? Are you a mouse, a rodent? A lemming following blindly countless others before you unto certain death? Or merely a pathetic minion, hiding his cowardice and ineptitude behind an armor of white? Hoping for praise – or simply acknowledgment – from a man you fear and whose will you abide solely because his choice of armor is black?
BATMAN: This night the Dark Side will fall - to the power of my arm!
CLAYFACE: Death to the opposition!
FLEMETH: (to a Stormtrooper at second, stalling as his teammate approached the base) Afraid of a few flames, are you? A great choice stands before you: to be the sole reason your teammate unceremoniously falls to an out or to feel the blazing pain of a moot attempt.
When it was Earth’s turn at bat, Morrigan cast cone of cold on all the outfielders and infielders, so they were frozen solid. Thus, even weakly hit ground balls to first turned into inside-the-park homers.
Batman and Clayface (as a giant Hank Aaron) proved to be the power hitters – scoring traditional homers.
A bit later, after officials consulted the Intergalactic Baseball Rulebook, which was penned in part by Douglas Adams, it was realized our team had reached the magic number to claim a mercy win. Thus, the Trekkies came out on top with a final score of 42 to 8, and Earth celebrated its victory with a parade – and riots, of course.
BATMAN: Tonight justice was victorious …
MORRIGAN: … with a teensy bit of cheating.
