Fall of the Spambots

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#21

Spambot Terminator Report: Sunday Oct 24, 2008, 2117 hours.

As he stared out at the highway ahead of him, hands firmly on the wheel of the Ford Taurus rental car—Solai went through the plan again in his head. It was a good plan—clever, almost “Ocean’s 11”-like in its audacity. The goal: Get in. Apprehend Thot quickly and quietly. And get out. Problem solved. Solai liked solving problems, although he was happy at the prospect of putting this latest ThotfullGuy situation behind him. His communicator beeped. It was Pike.

Solai: Hey. What’s up. Everything okay back at the Base?

Pike: Fine, Spambot activity has been low. Oh, funny thing happened. A spambot created a thread the other day called “What is your purpose in life?” and Galaxy Ranger thot it was real, and replied to it. Naturally he said ‘Sex, food, sex, drink, sex….’….

Solai: Yeah yeah. I get it. Uh….hold on a sec…(Solai turned to his companion in the passenger seat) This exit or the next one?

Yorrick: Not this one, the next one. And then left at the end of the ramp.

Solai: Thanks.

Pike: Yorrick is with you?

Solai: He is. And a damn fine navigator too.

Pike: What about “Talos?

Solai: “Talos is gonna meet us there.

Pike: I don’t like. That adds another variable. Now you have coordinate meeting up with him.

Solai: What do want me to say? You know Frakintalos. He likes do things in a certain way.

Pike: This is true. You have his cell number?

Solai: I do indeed. (pause) Hasn’t answered my calls in the last hour though.

Pike: Great. Just great.

Solai: Yup. That’s why I hate field ops, my friend. Anyway, just in case, work on a back-up plan just in case ‘Talos doesn’t show up.

Pike: You got it. You’ve got the marked up floor plans I sent you of the Eisenhower Hall Theater?

Solai: Yup. You’re a good man, Pike. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Okay, we’re passing through West Point center now. I’ll call you when it’s Rock ‘n Roll time.

Pike: Okay. Good hunting. Pike out.

It was early evening when their car pulled in to the Eisenhower Hall Theater parking lot. They had chosen the gray Taurus sedan especially as the perfect choice for not attracting attention. Solai was contemplating that notion as he got out of the car to stretch his legs—and it was with a certain irony that his eyes were immediately drawn to a car on the other side of the parking lot. It was a metallic-lime-green painted DeLorean, and it stuck out like beacon in the middle of the half-empty lot. Solai and Yorrick exchanged questioning looks, and began walking toward the DeLorean. They hadn’t gotten more than a few steps before they saw a there was someone in the passenger seat waving frantically at them.

Yes. It was Frakkintalos. Solai and Yorrick looked furtively around and quickened their pace toward the DeLorean.

Solai: “Talos!!

The ambitious mixture of shout and whisper in Solai’s voice wasn’t easy. But he dispensed with it once he saw what “Talos was wearing. It was Monty-Python-Spamalot-Style suit of Chain mail armor. Solai’s stomach immediately began to knot. He had to calm himself before he could speak.

Solai: What. The. Frak. Are you wearing?!

FrakkinTalos: Oh this? It’s my Spamalot costume. I figure this will help me infiltrate the cast and sneak up on ThotFullGuy. Touch it. It’s real chain mail. Cool huh? I got it from a Renaissance Fair in update New York. Problem is it’s kinda heavy. The dudes I bought from had to help me into the car. Also, the chain mail is so heavy it crushed the cell phone in my pack pocket. Did you try to call me?

Solai: How long have you been here? And WHAT”S with car? The idea was to be discreet, not draw attention to ourselves?! Remember?!

Yorrick i[/i]: Nice looking car, dude.

Frakkintalos: Well I figured cuz of the Back to the Future arc……I got here about a half hour ago, but….You see, the thing is, I can’t move. Yeah, this chain mail is damn heavy.

Solai: “Talos!! …. Just….just wait here. Yorrick, come with me.

Once they were out of ear shot, Solai pulled out his communicator and called Pike.

Pike: Hello sir. Did you meet up with ‘Talos?

Solai: Well, yes and no. Looks like I’ll be needing that back-up plan, Commander. One that factors Talos out of the operation.

Pike: Done and ready, sir. Transmitting to your PADD computer now. Codename: “Ocean’s 12”.

Solai: You’re a saint, Pike. Remind me to give you a raise. Solai out.

Solai: Okay, Yorrick, time to learn the new plan. Let’s head across the street to that coffee shop and go over it.

Frakkintalos looked puzzled as he watched Solai and Yorrick head across the street and out of sight. A moment latter, there was sharp crash as the backstage doors of Eisenhower Hall Theater burst open. “Talos had a hard time turning his head with the heavy chainmail, but his jaw dropped as he saw ThotFullGuy running straight for the DeLorean. Thot was wearing a similar Monty-Python-Spamalot chain mail suit, although from the way he was running it was obviously more of a costume than actual metal. “Hmmph, thot” “Talos. ‘I should I thot of that.” Thot’s salt and pepper hair was wild and sticking up like a mad scientist’s and he had a frantic, possessed look in his eyes.

Thot: TALOS! TALOS!!

Thot sprinted directly over to the DeLorean and got in on the passenger side.

Frakkintalos: Thot!! What’s going on?!! I thought you were trying to infiltrate the cast of Monty Python’s Spamlot?

Thot: No! That doesn’t matter any more. A dead end. Marty!! …I mean…Talos! IN ORDER TO STOP THE SPAMBOTS WE NEED TO GO DIRECTLY TO THEIR SOURCE OF POWER!! TO THEIR LEADER!!!

Frakkintalos: Hey, Doc……um…I mean, Thot, would you stop with Capital letters. Too loud, man.

Thot: Sorry. Start the car! There’s no time! We need to go directly to the center of the Evil Spambot’s power!!

Talos considered for a moment. Looked around for Solai and Yorrick, looked back at Thot. Oh, what the hell. He started the DeLorean.

Frakkintalos: Okay, where are we going. Back to the future?

Thot: What! No no. Think, Marty! Whose the one behind scheduling all those Monty Python movie Frak Parties?

FrakkinTalos: RonMooreHasPrettyHair?! Badger!?

Thot: YES!!! He must be the source of all the Spambot attacks!! We need to find his Evil Lair and Destroy His Spambot Minions!! Get on the highway!!! South to Pennsylvania!!!

FrakkinTalos: Off we go!!! And, Doc, when this car reaches 88 miles per hour ……!!!

Thot: We’ll break the Time Barrier!!!

FrakkinTalos: Uh….no, we’ll get a speeding ticket. Maybe I should slow down a little.

Thot: Good plan. …. … …. Hey, that’s weird about Clay Aiken being gay and all.

Frakkintalos: Yeah. Didn’t see that one coming.

<to be countinued>

#22

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. Brill-frakking-tastic. :smiley:

#23

Serious. This has to be an audio drama. OK, it’ll have a listenership of like, twelve, but still.

#24

My portrayal is spot-on. That’s amazing.

#25

You’ve all been characters in my head the past couple days. I’m glad to have finally purged my brain so I can move on.:smiley:

#26

Do your worst! I blow my nose at you, you silly New English kniggits!!!

#27

Spam fort! That is cool. I’m half expecting a plastic cow being tossed over the wall.

#28

I know! But can you imagine the mess if someone rounded a corner too quick with their shopping cart?

#29

Great Scott!!!

…

#30

Ok, here’s the deal. I’ve felt a need for a sense of closure with my ridiculous bot terminator report story. So I’ve been working up a grand finale. And I’ve been sitting on this for weeks and not had time to finish it (hence the 11/24 date below). Plus it was getting long, so I figured I’d put this portion of it up. We’ll call this the Penultimate "bot termination report if you will.:slight_smile: Plot ideas stolen of course from guess where…
[RIGHT]'Bot Termination Report #3
'Bot Termination Report #4
[/RIGHT]

Spambot Terminator Report #5: Sunday Nov 24, 2008, 2100 hours.

Pike, Solai and the Supreme Commander sat comfortably around the large planning table in the Spambot Defense Strategic Planning Room. Solai noted how satisfyingly empty the table looked today. Most of the diagrams, code lists and sim reports that usually covered the table where now filed away or disposed of. There was a feeling of triumph in the room. It had been weeks now without a single spambot attack on GWC. It hadn’t been easy—it had taken a lot of outthinking, headaches and frustration, not to mention endless hours of tedious keyboard punching, but they’d done it. Spam had been expunged from the GWC Forum—hopefully forever.

The three were just tying up some loose ends, reviewing the ongoing spambot prevention plans ….and some other matters. Solai’s laptop had just been playing back a recording the three had been listening to.

Pike: That was a good idea, Solai, slipping that tiny recorder/transmitter inside Frakintalos’s DeLorean.

Solai: Actually it was Yorrick who did it. Truth be told, I was a little flustered at the time—when the plan had to shift gears. Luckily Yorrick kept his cool and had the sense to implant the device.

Chuck: So what we just heard in that playback was a complete recording of the conversation between ThotFullGuy and FrakkinTalos in the DeLorean?

Solai: Yes sir. Good thing too—now we know their next move.

Pike: I’m not sure I understand. You and Yorrick had them within reach when you were at the Eisenhower Hall Theater. Why didn’t you pursue them to Pennsylvania?

Solai: Once we learned that their destination was RonMooreHasPrettyHair’s “Evil Lair”, there wasn’t any need to chase after them. My goal with Thot—and now with FrakkinTalos too I guess—is simply to make sure they don’t bring any public embarrassment to GWC. Their silly “assault” on RMHPH does fall in that category. Besides, Rimpy can take care of himself.

A dark-skinned, vaguely alien woman entered the room carrying a tray of microbrew ales and bowl of pretzels and mixed-nuts. She wore an odd looking, and fairly large hat.

Chuck: What’s this Guinan? Kinda early for Happy Hour isn’t it?

Guinan: Enjoy gentleman. You boys deserve an early cocktail hour today. Everyone’s so proud of what you’ve accomplished. The whole Forum is grateful, sir.

Pike: Thanks Guinan. Spambot fighting is thirsty work.

When each had a their glass of ale in hand, they clicked each other’s glass as Chuck said:

Chuck: A toast. To my intrepid band of Spam Fighters. May the knives of thy enemies chip and shatter.

Solai: “chip and shatter” Is that a Dune quote…that last bit?

Chuck: I think so….not sure where I heard it.

Chuck took long swig of ale from his glass and settled comfortably back in his chair.

Chuck: So where did Thot get it into his head the crazy notion that Rimpy is the source of all the Spambot attacks? I mean, Rimpy was one of our most tireless helpers in this Spambot war.

Pike: Sir, you really don’t want to go there. If you read Thot’s ‘Bot Termination reports… actually, never mind. Your better off not knowing sire, trust me.

Solai: Pike’s right, sir. You don’t want a piece of that.

Chuck: Fair enough. So, a couple more things I want to go over with you guys. First off, should we think about closing down this Command Center? Not sure we need it any longer, and second ….

Suddenly, and without warning the room shifted—like a wave of reality crashing over another wave, leaving everything changed. The once brightly lit room, was now dark and severe looking—Spartan in its spare utility. The large chair-high table transformed into a higher, more severe looking chest high table. And Solai, Pike and Chuck were standing around it, no longer sitting—in fact the room’s comfortable chairs had disappeared as if they’d never existed. The people were all changed too. Solai’s handsome face was now marked with a hideous scar down the left side of his face. Pike now wore a black eye patch over his right eye. And Chuck’s white goatee had transformed into….a black goatee. The three of them were now suddenly dressed in red and grey GWC Defense Force uniforms, with the GWC Hawk insignia over the breast pocket.
Guinan, for her part, didn’t look any different … but her tray of glasses filled with dark foaming glasses of ales was gone—replaced by an efficiently stacked set of Emergency Food Ration kits.

Pike: Incoming Spambot attack, Commander!!

Solai: Dammit! Raise shields. Give me tactical.

Chuck: What’s the count, mister!!

Pike: Full squadron. More than 36 simultaneous 'bots registering now and attempting to post.

Solai: Sir. We’ve got a serious problem. Spambots have released a virus into servers 18 through 43. Member information and several frak party threads are potentially in danger as well as Podcast threads 54 through 67.

Guinan had a troubled look on her face. Something was VERY wrong here.

Guinan: Commander. I need to speak with you. It’s very important, sir.

Chuck: Not now, dammit!! Solai, what are my options.

Solai: If we ……sir, if we wipe the hard disk arrays 4F through 19G that will isolate the attack and neutralize the virus-carrying spambots.

Pike: My god, that will wipe out more than 30 members’ profiles—some of them OGs!

Chuck’s face was a mask of bitter, war-torn determination as he made the split second decision.

Chuck: Do it!

Solai couldn’t mask the sadness in his voice as he replied.

Solai: Erasing disks 4F through 19G now, sir.

Pike: My sensors indicate success. Looks like that did the trick.

Guinan: Sir… (quiet yet urgent) We need to talk. Now. It’s all wrong, Captain. This is not the way it’s supposed to be.

Chuck: Keep me posted, Solai. Pike, I want a causality report on my desk in 10. Turning to Guinan. Chuck: Guinan, Please join me in my battle-ready room.

Inside the Supreme Commander’s ready room, Chuck turned to Guinan with a questioningly look.

Chuck: You must have some idea how things have changed…

Guinan: I look at things… at people… and they don’t feel right, IYKWIM.

Chuck: What things? What people?

Guinan: Tasha Yar is supposed to be dead.

Chuck: Whut!?

Guinan: No, that’s not right. I meant to say, Galaxy Ranger isn’t supposed to be from New Jersey.

Chuck: That doesn’t make any sense. Everyone knows he’s from New Jersey. He’s a college drop out. He manages an Adult Book & Video store in downtown Newark. Where is he supposed to be from?

Guinan: You’re……(sigh) you’re not going to believe me. But you must. He’s from Germany. He’s a recently graduated teacher and he lives in Germany.

Chuck: That’s insane!! You’ve heard him. He has perfect American English. He understands all our cultural references. I will not send him to Germany!

Guinan: We have been together for twenty-two years. I have been your friend and in all those twenty-two years, I have never led you astray. This time line cannot be allowed to continue. I’ve told you what you must do. You have only your faith in me to help you decide.

Chuck: Guinan……The Spambot war is going badly for GWC. Much worse than is generally known by GWC members. Our Command Team believes defeat is inevitable… that within six months we will have no choice but to surrender…

(to be continued)

#31

Frakking Awesome !!

“Chuck’s white goatee had turned…into a black goatee”… LMAO.:smiley:

but…GR’s really not from New Jersey? :eek:

#32

Thanks.
/Spoiler Alert/You’re in Episode #6 Topgun :wink:

#33

LOL, this is great Thot :slight_smile: Now I’m glad I watched TNG, I get the references! hehhe

#34

No, mirror universe GR is not from Jersey. Also, he’s french.

#35

If Galaxy Ranger’s being in Germany made Chuck’s hair go white, what if he was in Australia? Maybe Chuck would be bald! :eek:

I’m glad that I’ve finally been exonerated as the source of the spambot menace. For acknowledging my innocence, please allow me to offer you low-cost Viagra from one of the most trusted pharmacies in Canada. Tell your friends! Or just send me their email addresses, and one of my [strike]robotic minions[/strike] helpful associates will contact them.

Remember, resistance is futile! :smiley:

#36

Oh, the story is far from over yet, my friend (evil laughter).:wink:

#37

Gods that had me laughing out loud too. Wife and daughter wanted to know what was do damn funny. I simply responded, “I thot I told you…”

…They didn’t get it.

Bravo! It makes me want Chuck to take down the defenses and let the spam return to further inspire you.

#38

Pay no attention people, that’s just the crack talking.

#39

When Guinan showed up, I wondered whut you had planned. Frakkin brilliant! You threw a ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’ on the fire. There should be a ‘What are you like in the Mirror Universe?’ thread in the Star Trek forum.

Will there be residual effects from this in the real world when this story is resolved ala Sela? Will an IYKWIM bot form from GR’s Jersey exploits? Will our dogtags change to Hawk insignias?

#40

Ahh yes, I forgot to ask you, Thot. Is the hawk insignia reminicent of the Atriedes stylized hawk insignia, yet another Dune reference, my gholaic friend ??