Enterprise NCC-1701, Chief of Security's Personal Log

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#1

(naturally anyone should feel free to post a log entry here:D—but please try to stick to stardate order for the episodes.http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series)

EDIT: For convenience sake I’ve listed the 1st season episodes in stardate order here.

EDIT: (Jan 25, 2013) Um…When I created this thread over 3 years ago, not sure why I was so anal saying these should be in Stardate order. Post in any order you like…whatever episode you think would be fun to do a Log for. And post the episode name too. I’m not sure why 2009 me wanted to be so obscure )

Where No Man Has Gone Before 1312.4 - 1313.8
Mudd’s Women 1329.8 - 1330.1
The Corbomite Maneuver 1512.2 - 1514.1
The Man Trap 1513.1 - 1513.8
Charlie X 1533.6 - 1535.8
The Enemy Within 1672.1 - 1673.1
The Naked Time 1704.2 - 1704.4
Balance of Terror 1709.2 - 1709.6
The Squire of Gothos 2124.5 - 2126.3
What Are Little Girls Made Of? 2712.4
Miri 2713.5 - 2713.3
Dagger of the Mind 2715.1 - 2715.2
The Conscience of the King 2817.6 - 2819.8
The Galileo Seven 2821.5 - 2823.8
Court Martial 2947.3 - 2950.1
The Menagerie, Part I 3012.4 - 3012.6
The Menagerie, Part II 3013.1 - 3013.2
Shore Leave 3025.3 - 3025.8
Arena 3045.6 - 3046.2
The Alternative Factor 3087.6 - 3088.7
Tomorrow is Yesterday 3113.2 - 3114.1
Space Seed 3141.9 - 3143.3
The Return of the Archons 3156.2 - 3158.7
A Taste of Armageddon 3192.1 - 3193.0
The Devil in the Dark 3196.1
Errand of Mercy 3198.4 - 3201.7
City of the Edge of Forever Unknown
Operation – Annihilate! 3287.2 - 3289.8
This Side of Paradise 3417.3 - 3417.7

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate: 1313.2
We’re in standard orbit around Delta Vega, a planet that’s completely uninhabited, desolate, but rich in minerals. I guess Lt. Kelso is gonna beam down with a party to get some dilithium to regenerate the damaged main engines. Yeah, so I heard that Lt. Commander Mitchell has acquired some extraordinary psionic powers and they are some fraking scary shite. Holy craap! I do NOT want a piece of that trouble, so I’m laying low. Scuttlebutt is that Spock fears Mitchell might become dangerous to not only the ship, but to the entire galaxy. Spock thinks we should kill him. Hey, I’m good with that, just leave me out of it.

Anyway, so a little while ago Kirk asked if I could please help try to get Mitchell into the transporter room so he can be beamed down to the planet and left there. I told Kirk, sorry, but I had a really full schedule, and although I would LOVE to help, now wasn’t a good time. Kirk totally bought it–the wanker. Anyway, so apparently they did manage to get Mitchell unconscious and wrestled him to the transporter room. See, I told ya they didn’t need me.

On another unrelated subject, I’ve got some cool news. A couple weeks ago I sent in a suggestion to the Star Fleet Office of Wardrobe and Uniforms. I have this really cool idea that that Security officers in Star Fleet should have a different color uniform than the other folks. I mean, all this gold and blue is a little monotonous, right? How bout we go with red or something for us Security types, I said. Anyway…(pause log recording)

(resume log recording) Sorry for the interruption. Mr. Spock just came into my office with this whole song and dance asking me to beam down with a team armed with phaser rifles. “Eh, not such much with me and dangerous god-like beings, sir,” I said. Then I told him “How 'bout I give YOU the phaser rifle, and you beam down with it. And I’ll stay up here…um…guarding the ship…yeah, yeah, guarding the ship.” Spock is such putz. He totally took the phaser rifle and left.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so yeah, So Cool! I got a message back from my cousin at Star Fleet Command, and guess what! They’re totally going with my suggestion about the red uniforms! The new uniforms will be ready for us at our next Starbase stop. Sweet!! Well, I guess that’s all for now. Hopefully Kirk is gonna be able to successfully kill and/or maroon his best friend Gary Mitchell in the next couple hours, so we can get the frak away from this planet. Can’t wait for the new red uniforms!! Ta ta for now.

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#2

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate: 1329.8

While taking my afternoon nap, a red alert sounded. Jolted by the sound I fell off my chair and nearly broke my coccyx. When I recovered, I poked my head into the corridor to find out what was going on. Get a load of this. While chasing a cargo vessel, the youngest captain in Starfleet burns out the lithium crystal circuits. What a n00b!

I get a call to send a security detail to the transporter room. So I send Smith and Jones. They report back that we’ve rescued some guy named Walsh and three of the most beautiful women in the galaxy. Unlike my fresh-faced captain, I’ve been around a while and I know that beautiful women spell trouble. I don’t want any part of this. So I punch up the dossier on Walsh and realize he’s a fake. His real name is Harcourt Fenton Mudd. I wonder how long it will take Ol’ Pointed Ears to figure that out.

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Supplemental

Can you believe this? We’re stranded. How did I get assigned to this ship? A few hours ago, Vinci, one of my security officers, reports that Mudd has been found out and confined to quarters. He has an elaborate plan to pawn the women off to the miners and make a fortune. Kirk fails to foresee this and gets outdone by a small time felon. Ugh!

So the ship’s power is failing and the miners are holding us hostage. Great job, cap’n! If we don’t live, I want to go on record as being under the command of a nincompoop!

#3

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate: 1512.2

A Rubix Cube?? Seriously?? We’re in trouble while dealing with a Rubix Cube?!?!?

How the hell did I get assigned to this ship??

Giant Rubix Cube - and we’re getting bombarded by radiation. Now, granted, I’m all for the blowing up…cuz, seriously, radiation, not cool.

So what happens…of course - BIG FREAKING SPHERE SHIP. And some funky alien guy named Balok telling us that we’re gonna be offed in ten minutes.

now don’t get me wrong—Kirks BS move…very nicely done!

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Supplemental

A KID!!! A freaking toddler punked us?? What’s he like…3 or something??

is Ashton Kutcher behind this?

Tho that Tran’ya is pretty good.

#4

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate: 1513.2

So, we’re in orbit around planet M-113. Just so happens one of Dr. McCoy’s old flames is down there. Hmmm, coincidence? I think not. What is this some kinda pleasure cruise? Well, I can catch up on some sleep.

Oh wait…I’m gettin’ a call. Hold on.

Some.

Time.

Later.

Dodged a bullet again. They found some crewman dead. The Captain’s heading back down there again. guffaw He didn’t even ask for a security detail. pfft

Oh wait. They’re calling again.

More.

Time.

Later.

Another one bites the dust. Dropping like flies on the Starship Enterprise. Hey that kinda rhymes. ahem Where was I? So, there is some kinda threat on the planet. Not so uneventful afterall.

What the…? Another call? Hold on.

Even More.

Time.

Later.

Whoa. They beamed some kinda salt vampire and McCoy killed it. Glad I missed that one. Sounded gruesome.

#5

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate:1672.1

Well it’s been kinda quiet here. That’s not good at all. I mean not one floating crap game or Fizbin to bust up. Everyone is soo busy with this new planet. I hear that the Helmsman what’s his name Soyko, Siki…Sulu that’s it Sulu. He’s found this dog from what i hear it looks like shi-zu with antennae. Oh well to each his own.

A few hours later

Holy #$%$@, just when i thought i going to be bored to tears the Sh1t hits the fan. I now know why the good doctor doesn’t like the transporter. It makes Freakin duplicates. See seems this guy down on the planet got injured. He’ll be fine. Stuff on him though is playing havoc with the transporter. Anyhow the gold plated god’s gift to women in the galaxy decides to go back up. Next thing i know he goes from Blazin into hell, to singing kumbyah. Not that I would get to know this, oh no I meet the other one. I will say this he sure know how to throw a party. Personal note to self Never ever mix Saurian Brandy and Green Orion girls again. Oh is my head spinning. Seems after that he still wasn’t satisfied. He makes a play on Yeoman Rand. I thankfully have a healthy respect for those back hoes she calls nails. Well he forgot and paid for it ouch. At least it should be easier to find him now.

A few hours later

We got him trapped in engineering. Just as i’m about to earn my pay good old pointy ears convinces the wimp to go in together and talk him out. Have to say it was a good plan. It was until he touched him, he put his hand on him, he touched him abah a where was i? Oh yeah he knocked out the dupe. One teeny tiny problem, the phaser he had trained on the wimp was set to kill. put a nice hole in engineering. I wouldn’t mind so much since we are still alive. But just where he hit knocked out all the head’s on my level. Now I have to get in line at the Jefferies tubes just to go, bummer.

A few hours later

Ok they have a plan Scotty got the transporter workin again they think that they can merge both of them back. Me not so sure, heard they tried that with that dog with the roach feelers and lets just say it didn’t go well. He checked in and never checked out.

Supplemental

Well they tried it and it worked. Just in time to those people down there nearly froze to death.

This is why you always have one working shuttle when doing a tear down of the engines on the rest of them. I know the captain thinks Scotty is a miracle worker you think he would have planned ahead.

Oh well I hear soon we’ll be patrolling the neutral zone next to the Romulans. That reminds me we just got a new navigator named Stiles. Nice enough guy, but he can’t stop talking about his family past. How he had family in the Romulan war. And that big painted Bird on them. uhn.

#6

We interrupt or regularly scheduled programming to say: You guys are awesome!
Well done Talos, David (Le Operator) and Orionpax!

Also, for convenience sake I’ve put the list of episodes in Stardate order in the 1st post in this thread. Keep up the great work guys!

#7

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate:1704.2

Unh, What a week, bad enough we are down some of my personnel. We met up with the Constellation. Cestus III is short some security, so all starships have been asked to send some volunteers (yeah sure) for support. Anyway that was the good part of my week. Old bowl cut and points, is up my antimatter about reports that have been late. They can’t be late if I never made them in the first place. Had to pull an all nighter to get them done and not a spot of suarian brandy to be had. I was TO’ed in the extreme. And here I thought it couldn’t get worse. Yesterday I get a "Dear INSERT NAME " letter from my now ex girlfriend. Seems she’s found a new love cause i haven’t been paying attention to her. Ok ok i forgot the flowers for her birthday for the fifth time. Hey i’m a busy guy. Well this week should be a lil more uneventful. We are in orbit around Psi 2000, have to pick up a science team there before the planet goes poof. Strange thing is we can’t get them on the horn. Ahh, prob froze the communicator down there.

A few hours later

And here I thought this would be an easy stay. Nooooo to that. Spock and Lieutenant J G Joe Tormolen transport down to the lab. Just saw the recordings they took. One guy is frozen at his station another she is taking a shower and is stiff as a statue. I said to myself glad they didn’t need me there never know what i would have brought back.

A few hours later

And now the ship is going bonkers to. Tormolen up and offs himself with a butter knife. Meanwhile I got my people chasing down Sulu. Seems he’s taking that sword bit to an extreme. We got him but now others are writing graffiti on the bulkheads. Repent or something. Wait getting another alert.

A few hours later

It continues, all hell is breaking loose here. We got Lt O’reily hold up in engineering on the com thinking he’s the Captain. I wouldn’t mind so much but the singing is over the top. Speaking of tops, while he was giving orders. He could of at least had the females go topless. It sure would have helped my morale. I think Scotty is great, sometimes though he takes orders too literally. He should have tossed Reily in an antimatter pod instead he believes him and gets locked out of his area. He’s cutting through the ajacent wall to get the door open. He doesn’t want to cut into something so he’s taking it slow. If they had called me i’d have him out in two shakes. Vaporize the door stun him done. Noone listens to me.

A few hours later

Good news Scotty got the door open took the LT out. Even better news Bowl and points has been found in one of the conference rooms.

Bad news O’Reily shut down the engines cold. It will take 30 minutes to start the engines. In less the 15 we are going to be splat in the surface of the planet. Oh and Spock is a basket case if I forgot to mention. Kirk’s going down to pound some sense into him. I knew I should have kept up with those insurance payments.

A 40 minutes later

The day is looking up. Bowl and points pulled it together the Doc found a cure and we aren’t Splat. Oh btw we proved Time Travel. Almost forgot that. Seems when we did the cold start and the gravity well thingie. We shot back 3 days. As much as I have been busy I don’t want that again please.

Even better news My ex is no longer my ex. I got on FTL flowers.com and got this gigantic set of buds. Just got the sub space mail and she thanked me in so many words and pics.:smiley: I mean just cause Kirk is seeing a Green Orion Captain on the side doesn’t mean I can’t date her younger better stacked sister. Oh shore leave will be memorable.

#8

You know what would be fun? If someone could narrate all these stardate logs, Shatner-style, and record them into mp3’s… heheheh :cool:

#9

As much as THE SHAT would be great. Considering where this is coming from it’d be a lil off. Now someone like Dennis Leary inflection would give the right timber to it.:smiley:

#10

Bumpin this thread to maybe inspire myself (and others) to do some more of these. Don’t forget the snark! :slight_smile:

#11

I’m watching TOS for the first time, so am loving this thread!

#12

Things have gone Bat-Shit crazy! There is a Conga-Line of over 30 crew members on Deck 7. The number 5 Turbo lift has been deactivated and the shaft is being used for Base-Jumping. The gravity on over half of Deck 6 has been altered so that 6 crewmen can street luge non stop. Some one has figured out how to turn off the safety protocols on the food dispensers and they are dispensing life threatening volumes of hard liquor of all kinds including Absinthe, and the main mess hall is filling full of popcorn at an alarming rate; the crew trapped inside are attempting to eat their way out. Spark’s has painted one of the shuttles red and is currently buzzing the Enterprise and challenging all who are interested to a ‘dogfight’, and yes as you have guessed he is calling himself the ‘Red Baron’.

And I thought the Dorm Parties at Starfleet Academy were bad… What the Hell is happening? And these are just the highlights, there are over 100 formal calls for Security so far and more are arriving every minute. We finally cut up a flimsy of the complaints and blindly drew our assignments from a wastebasket. And guess what I got stuck with? Thats right; Sulu.

He is running around half naked and attempting to poke people with his sword. Geeez, come on; he does that any given Saturday night… If you know what I mean…

I am stunning the bastard, and then dragging his ass to the brig. Attempting to restrain, or ‘tie him up’ will just get him excited, ahem; or so I have been told. Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t judge me…

(The Naked Time / 1704.2 - 1704.4)

#13

Chief of Security’s Personal Log, Stardate:1709.2

Ahh, a few days of boring patrol duty at the neutral zone. Not that anything ever happens out here. Heck I’ve seen monastic hermits be more lively than how it is out here. One bit of good news though We’re getting married!. Ok ok not me (god forbid), it’s Tomlinson and that cute LT Martine. She’s a lil mousey for me but not my problem. I’ll provide the security but I’m not running it, I’m giving that to Lt Leslie. He’s been bouncing around different departments. (you ask me he’s brown nosing for command) Anywho he can have fun running the troops. I’m there for the reception. I’ll deny this but saw Capt Party Animal spike the punch with Romulan Ale. Knew I like’d him. Anyway lets get this party started.

A few hours later

It never fails, just when we are about to have a good time someone has to interrupt. The Captain had the ceremony broadcast throughout the ship. He was in his glory making sure they got his good side but not his gut.(too much knishes) Well he was just about to marry these to and get to the Party when a Red Alert from Sulu comes over the comm. Oh happy day back to work. Though I do secure that punch, dangerous if in the wrong hands (mine).

A few hours later

Can’t have a simple training cruise can we. Seems we have lost contact with one of the Boarder asteroids watching the Neutral Zone. First it was outpost 2 then 3 went silent. Now Outpost 4 is under attack. It seems the first two outpost as old bowl and points said have been pulverized. Pulverized! those thing were on massive asteroids mini planets, what the %#$& could have done this? I thought Death Stars were just fantasy. That punch is gonna be needed after this. Oh and I nearly forgot Stiles is going on about what these Romulans are flying. A Big Freaking Bird he says. Cap shuts him down a bit, can’t have a crewman show him up ya know. We are almost to outpost 4 hope it’s still there.

A few hours later

Well we got there just in time to see Outpost 4 go Boom to. Dang it Stiles was right, a big freaking bird of prey on it’s underside. It may not be a Death Star but the plasma thingy they shot out is somethin I don’t want to see again. We are keeping our distance but we are all on edge. We never got a chance to see these guys until now. What do ya know they look like bowl and points except for better hair. Heck the commander looks like his Dad…Nah can’t be. Scotty just got some of the debris from the outpost. It’s brittler than fiddle faddle. Here’s a shock Spock is all gung ho about going in guns ablazin. Never thought there was that cold calculated enforcer in him. Points earned.

A few hours later

So we go after them as they enter this comet. Since we can’t see them the comet should show them as they go through it. Yeah, that was a good Idea. Seems that Romulan commander is smart to. Turns and fires on use with that plasma thing. We get hit bad but get off some shots to. We start to follow again and they shoot out this debris make it look like they are destroyed. First time we didn’t buy it but Spock hits an signal by accident (yeah that’s it Accident).They come back try to finish us but we are able to hit them again. Again though they do the debris trick this time there was a body in it. Oh I forgot there was this box to. A nuke of all things it goes boom and we go dead in space. Oh the paper work i’m not looking forward to after this one. While we are making repairs seeing what they are going to do. Stiles meanwhile gets sent down to the main weapons station since they are short after the injuries there. Spock checks up with them but lets just say that Lt needs an attitude adjustment in the worst way.

A few hours later

Have I told you I hate silence, it’s too quiet that’s never good. The Silence must fall ya know. We are playing dead hoping to draw them back. What ya know it works. I hear the Cap yell to fire but nothing happens. He yells again and nothing. Seems there has been a coolant leak in the weapons station. Stiles and Tomlinson are out. Spock runs in and fires the main phasers. Now the Romulans are out of commission. Good some Prisoners to guard finally. I don’t care if you are Number 6 or 7 of 9. Your butt is mine now cupcake. Dang spoke too soon, they blew themselves up. Well less paperwork for me.

Supplemental

Seems we all didn’t make it out ok. Tomlinson didn’t make it. His fiancee is in the Chapel grieving. Poor girl hope she gets over it. Oh we finally got word back from Command. Do whatever you need they say. Gee thanks we did. Now where is that punch I secured?

Supplemental

Nothing like some good spiked punch to get over your sorrows. I was wrong about Martine being mousey. Give her a few drinks and lets just say she was saying Tomilinson WHO? Now if we could just get some R and R somewhere? Oh well I hear we are heading now to Omicron Delta to Relax. Hope it’s good, just heard about this other lil place called Risa. Have to check it out one day.

#14

Added this to first post, but here too:

EDIT: (Jan 25, 2013) Um…When I created this thread over 3 years ago, not sure why I was so anal saying these should be in Stardate order. Post in any order you like…whatever episode you think would be fun to do a Log for. And post the episode name too. I’m not sure why 2009 me wanted to be so obscure :smiley: )

#15

Spock got attacked by a ‘flying frittata’; I kid you not… The egg puns flew fast and furious on the ship for days, and while the Vulcan could not understand why people kept sending egg dishes to his table while in the Mess Hall. The Captain got a real kick out of it and played along with us. Though it is rather difficult to egg on a Vulcan.

McCoy on the other hand did not appreciate our EYE JOKES. Jeez man, you blinded our First Officer; of course we are going to rib you about it. The old country doctor can dish it out, but can’t take it.

Sunglasses would mysteriously appear in the sick bay, we would remove all of the lenses from his microscopes. And one our my favorites was sending gullible crew members to see him about signing up for his classes. He would glower at them, and they would innocently ask, “But they said you were looking for pupils.” Crew members would pop into the sick bay asking for ‘Iris’. But the singing was the best, in the passage ways people would spontaneously break out into song when the good doctor would pass by; classics like:

Eyes, eyes baby!
Iris you a merry Christmas.
I only have eyes for you.
Do you see what I see.
Eyes without a face.
I can see for miles and miles.
She blinded me with science.

These would almost put the man into a ahem blind rage… he he.

The Captain eventually put an end to the fun, he feared the doctor was going to have an aneurysm.