Inspired by this post and podcast #180, I give you “A Day in the Life of, Raymond, the Alien”.
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The Colonial Marine spaceship Sulaco floated through space carrying four survivors of the holocaust on LV-426. Three humans lay in stasis while the android Bishop was temporarily taken offline. The computer monitored the progress of the ship and the functions of its occupants as they made their way toward Earth. It relayed all this information to the ever-vigilant benefactor, Weyland-Yutani Corporation, including the presence of Alien eggs.
When the Corporation first heard the news that Ellen Ripley had once again foiled their plans to acquire a xenomorph, it planned to launch a battle cruiser to destroy the Sulaco and rid the universe of this menace. Instead after two weeks in flight the report came in that the Alien queen had indeed laid eggs on the Sulaco before Ripley destroyed her.
The bowels of the Sulaco hummed. Sensing the presence of life forms, the Alien egg opened. A facehugger emerged and began to seek out its prey. It approached one of the stasis chambers and searched for an entry point. It slapped against the glass to no avail. Flailing back and forth one of its extremities pressed the open button. It entered and covered its host, Hicks. Since the stasis was interrupted, Hicks’ body functions were slowly returned. Before he could regain consciousness, an Alien had expelled from his chest.
In the weeks to come, the Alien grew and found it had nothing to do. It was on a relatively empty ship in the vastness of space. Inquisitive by nature the Alien surveyed its environment. First it found the bridge and started manipulating some switches. Alerts sounded and the ship began to rock side to side. The computer reprimanded and voiced its concern. The Alien retraced its actions. The ship leveled and the alarms rescinded.
The Alien backed out of the room, bumping its head on the doorway. Dazed and somewhat perturbed it walked into the Mess hall. On the far side of the room one of the monitors flickered and began to play an instructional video on how to obtain provisions from the dispensers. Making its way over to the monitor, the Alien tilt its head fascinated. It reached toward a knob adjacent to the monitor. The video changed. Melodramatic music filled the room. A man grasped the upper arms of a woman and pulled her close to him. She tried to protest but he wrapped his arms around her. The Alien inched closer to the screen. The couple kissed passionately. The Alien was enthralled. Over the next several hours, the Alien had found a couch, propped onto it, and sat glued to the monitor while it played several romance operas.
The next day the Alien decided to mimic some of the things it had witnessed on the monitor. It found a bathroom and started the shower. Dispersing soap and rubbing it along its elongated skull, it opened its mouth allowing water to enter and gargled. It turned off the shower, grabbed a towel and dried off. It wrapped the towel around its torso and looked in the mirror. It snarled bearing its teeth. Looking left it saw a tube and a brush. It applied the tube’s contents to the brush and began brushing its exterior teeth. Filled with surprised satisfaction the Alien exposed its inner mouth and brushed its little mouth’s teeth also.
Feeling refreshed the Alien bounced into the crew quarters. It opened a closet to peruse its contents. Spotting something of interest, it removed the garment and draped it over its frame. It turned toward the mirror and admired its appearance. The Alien paraded back and forth, posing and shifting to view its image from different angles. While it was engaged, it neglected to negotiate a piece of furniture. It turned too quickly and stubbed its toe on the corner of a table. The pain caused the Alien to grasp its toe and hop. Since the floor was still wet, the Alien lost its balance and crashed to the ground. Aggravated by its foolishness, the Alien stormed from the quarters nursing its toe and ego.
Still fuming, the Alien decided to relax. It sat in front of the monitor and played with the knob again. The screen shifted through several images. Finally the Alien stopped. The screen displayed playing cards. The Alien fingered the roller on the panel. The arrow on the screen moved. The Alien clicked one of the buttons and a card was selected. It dragged the card over to another place holder. It took some getting used to but before long the Alien got the gist. Game after game, the Alien played. Over time it even figured out the key command to cheat, revealing the hidden place card. Once again the Alien was filled with self-satisfaction.
Meanwhile on another part of the ship, another egg opened and another facehugger emerged. The facehugger found the chamber occupied by Ellen Ripley. Unlike the hugger before it, this hugger smashed through the glass cutting itself. The wound bled on the floor and burned through. This caused an electrical fire. Alarms blared and initiated an evacuation sequence. The stasis pods were ejected from the ship.
The Alien heard the alarms sound and started playing with the knobs again. Nothing happened. In the distance it heard something separate from the ship. It went to the nearest window and watched the escape pod float away. Concerned the Alien searched for the cause. It found the bay engulfed in flames. Looking on the floor it saw a used facehugger. The Alien went back to the monitor and began to type on the keyboard. It chose the keys carefully. When it concluded the screen read, “CRAAAAP!!”
