1:53:00 Capes! The fashionable style of yesterday tomorrow!
I frakking love this line!
Clever.
You have rape phantasies?
Okay, now you’ve got an image of the Galactica crew going to Six Flags stuck in my head…quite amusing.
2:03:45 Watching Muffit II take down a centurion is a hard thing to explain. It’s like watching a one legged squirrel taking down an arthritic, wheezing, amputee bear that is about to die of old age.
This, too, paints quite the mental image.
You know, judging from the colorful nature of the descriptions, I think I might’ve watched this show if Lucky had been writing it.
No. I just figured, judging on how pizza delivery works in the porno world, that cable repairs would work on more or less the same economic model. That’s all.
Written for the CRIIALOBCAWTAOWBSG:TOSAHD Journal
(combined reduction in IQ and loss of brain cells associated with the act of watching BSG:TOS and heavy drinking)
Previously on original Battlestar Galactica
Episode One
“Saga of a Star World” PART ONE
“Saga of a Star World” PART TWO
This week’s episode:
“Lost Planet of the Gods” PART ONE
Lucky’s recap from episode one in sixty seconds: Starbuck is a man and Zak dies. Boxey’s dog does too, it made me sad. From holocaust to casino planet—good times. Muffit II is frightening in a “I think I just OD” kind of a way, and Baltar is bad, very bad; whiny too. Feldercarb is colonial for shit, and Tigh doesn’t say “craaaap.” Ant aliens[!], fashionable capes, and singers with four eyes and two mouths. What am I watching again? Right, BSG. Patented viper swoop and shoot. Lucifer=ice cone and cardboard box spray painted gray?
If I had any video skills whatsoever I would turn this into a 60 second youtube video.
00:25 Woah! A recap of what is going to happen in the episode, in the beginning! RDM does the same damn thing.
3:22 Oh snap! Boxey talking craaaap to Apollo! “Some people are just a little slow, it doesn’t mean they’re stupid.” Also, it’s too bad the GWC isn’t watching this. I can already picture Audra giving the “hair report” on Serina’s new hair style.
6:18 Starting a Viper is easy. For those at home, let me explain: there are three large buttons marked TURBO 1, TURBO 2, TURBO 3. I have said too much already; I am not going to tell you what order to press them in. I could tell you but Muffit II would have to kill you, and it wouldn’t just be painful for you, but it’d be painful for the people watching. Mama Mia! Random viper pilot looks like Mario!
9:10 LOL! Feldercarb! Made up cuss words have a very simple rule—for the English viewer, four letter swear words should always be four letters, no matter the language.
9:30 Frack! Boy, Starbuck is on a roll. Apollo’s Viper disappears into a black void.
11:00 Friendly Tigh is to nice; I don’t like him. I want the crotchety and funny drunk Tigh, who says fun things like “craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap,” and airlocks Jammer.
15:38 Mario’s real name is Jolly. I am going to keep calling him Mario. Mario and boomer land on a Cylon outpost on an asteroid. Apparently it has a breathable atmosphere since they are walking in the open without suits. Setting suspension of disbelief from HIGH to CATASTROPHICALLY HIGH: MAY RESULT IN IQ LOSS.
17:50 Baltar in command of the Cylon[z] fleet? The Cylon[z] Imperious leader needs to replace the captain of his brain-ship if he thinks putting Baltar in charge of anything is a good idea.
24:07 The void is a magnetic sea in deep space? Is there a five billion long sphere of iron out there? Mama Mia! Mario brings back a virus. I am going to rant for a second. It’s good to see a…ah…heftier combat pilot for once, but good God, why do they always have to make the fat guy the comedic relief or the incompetent dolt? Give Mario a break! End rant.
27:22 WTF is that!!?? Oh, it’s just Muffit II. Apollo and Serina are getting married, and she is training to be a pilot. I predict Serina dying in the near future.
30:39 All the viper pilots are sick from Mario’s virus which I am going to start calling “Mario’s Revenge.” The fleet needs to use the cadet shuttle pilots in the mean time. Of coarse this means that at 30:39, we get a scene with a room full of the young cadets, who happen to be beautiful women wearing skin tight flight suits. Predicting Galaxy Ranger will be rewatching the original series.
33:00 Starbuck’s “all right girls, I’ll explain this one more time,” really struck a nerve with me. I understand this was a different time, but having served for seven and a half years in the military, I was offended. Then again, I guess it’s a sign of how things have changed. I had this friend in the military police, and we both went to the bar one night. I veered off and hung with some other friends, but later in the night, apparently, some dude threw a piece of pizza crust at the back of her head. Stupid, yes, I know. Anyhoo, I look back over at the commotion and she is fighting two other soldiers, big dudes too, and kicking their asses—at the same time. I would like to see her square off with Starbuck.
41:30 The cadet squadron heads to the asteroid to find a cure for “Mario’s Revenge.” Larry shows up to spoil the day.
42:13 Frack! Why is Starbuck the only colonial that ever curses? The herd of Centurion stomping around is making me curious if there is a youtube video of any centurions doing the robot in the club. I would so do it if I had my own centurion suit. Well, not in a place I planned to go back to anyway.
43:15 I stand Corrected, Apollo is swearing up a frack storm too.
44:00 Asteroid battle. Numerous “Viper swoops and shoots raider.” Feldercarb!
46:00 The women cadets kick the Cylon[z] ass and save the day.
48:00 The end. Cliff Hanger! The galactica will travel through the magnetic space sea! (did I really just type that?) And Lucifer sounds like a used cars salesman. No offense to used car salesman, but that is exactly how I would picture the biblical Lucifer to sound too.
Feldercarb: 2
Frack: 3
Stylish Capes: 0
Pipe beat downs: 0
I thought his episode was an improvement from “Saga of a Star World,” which in a way was brilliant. My expectations were set so slow by that episode, the only direction the show could move is up. I plan to finish part two on either Wednesday or Thursday.
You just might be able to find a publisher for these. They restore my lost yout’.
Thanks, that made me laugh.
eminently preferable to the actual episode
That was AWESOME! I had to stop watching the original series because MRI’s proved that my brain was actually melting due to overexposure to bad acting and special effects. I think I can take it in these small doses though! Keep up the good work!
d
To be clear, that’s not my work. I enjoy it, but it’s a tad snarkier than even TOS deserves (and yes, I get the irony of me calling someone out on their snark.)
Previously on original Battlestar Galactica
Episode One
“Saga of a Star World” PART ONE
“Saga of a Star World” PART TWO
Episode Two
“Lost Planet of the Gods” PART ONE
This week’s episode:
“Lost Planet of the Gods” PART TWO
I am trying something new: watching BSG TOS sober. I don’t know if anyone else is still following these. If you are, sorry for the delay, and I do intend to finish the series. I have just been busy with finals.
4:50 Bleh, I am still getting hung up on the whole “magnetic sea” thing. The pilots are still afflicted with “Mario’s Revenge.” I feel this calls for a song. (Sung to the tune of Springfield’s “For What it’s Worth”)
There’s something happening here
What it is ain’t exactly clear
There’s Baltar with a Basestar over there
Telling me I’m going nowhere
I think it’s time we stop, Centurions, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
There’s metal pipes being drawn
Larry’s right even if everybody’s wrong
Centurions not using their minds
Getting shot up from behind
I think it’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
What a field-day for the fleet
A thousand Centurions getting beat
Spraying rounds and carrying signs
Mostly say, “Larry Landscaping” for our side
It’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
Mario’s Revenge strikes deep
Into your fleet it will creep
It starts when you always follow clichés
You step out of line, the Viper swoops and blows you away
We better stop, hey, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
Stop, hey, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
Stop, now, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
Stop, Centurions, what’s that sound
Muffit II is chomping down
8:10 Larry is relentless. He won’t let the Colonials relax. Is it bad I am rooting for the Cylon[z]? I like that the Centurions talk. It would be awesome—though maybe a bit cheesy—if RDM lets the Bullet Heads talk after 4.5.
9:12 LMFAO! I swear, this is the most hilarious thing ever! Adama is on the bridge drinking coffee from what looks like a large beer stein!
10:31 Worse bit of dialogue ever crafted, and I do mean ever.
Apollo: “Serina, you’re a good pilot. My head believes that even if my stomach doesn’t.”
Lucky: WTF!?
12:41 Starbuck captured by the dastardly Larry! Cheesy as hell, but I approve nonetheless—Starbuck lights cigar off of Larry’s armor.
16:27 Apollo and Serina are married. The ceremony is freaky. It’s like ¼ Excalibur + 1/4 Star Trek + ¼ The Blair Witch Project + ¼ bad acid trip. Side note, RE: Boxey. I swear, I looked just like him in the early 80s. I am not sure I should have admitted it. Maybe I should upload a picture…NO! Bad Lucky!
18:20 Life began on Kobol. Darwin does not approve.
19:00 It’s Egypt! LMAO, no, it’s Kobol! Are they serious? Is this the best they could do? Ugghhh. What’s this feeling? It’s my IQ bleeding away! Cheap special effects and lazy story telling attack your character—make saving d20 roll against intelligence modifier. Hit! Lucky looses 28 IQ points!
22:00 Who was the ninth Cylon? According to Papadama, the ninth Lord of Kobol was the last to rule the united 13 colonies. Might be interesting if it has any relation to new BSG.
23:55 Where’s Indiana Jones when you need him?
25:00 Baltar arrives to piss on everyone’s cheerios. He needs a mustache so he can twirl it like a real villain. Watching Lorne Green trying to strangle Baltar is like if your grandpa was trying to do the same to another Old Timer. “Grandpa! Calm down before you have another heart attack!”
36:00 Cylon[z] concept of peace, again, vastly different. They attack. Mama Mia! Mario is ready to fight. So much for “Mario’s Revenge.”
38:00 Viper swoops and shoots™ Raider
42:00 Larry shoots Serina Adama! Another Adama bites the dust thanks to Team Larry!
44:00 Holy craaap. I actually feel bad for one of the characters—serina—as she dies.
48:00 The end! I have learned a new logic formula:
Centurions can’t kill anything unless the centurion is Larry. Larry can only kill the Adamas. Therefore, among the centurions , only Larry will be able to kill a human, but only if it an Adama.
Frack: 1
Stylish capes: 0
Adama drinking from a beer stein on the bridge: 1
Metal pipes: 0
IQ +/- from episode: -28
I’m still here! Keep 'em coming, but good luck with your finals, too.
9:12 LMFAO! I swear, this is the most hilarious thing ever! Adama is on the bridge drinking coffee from what looks like a large beer stein!
This? So needs to be included in the new series. Only it’ll be re-imagined that the coffee is spiked with scotch.
16:27 Apollo and Serina are married. The ceremony is freaky. It’s like ¼ Excalibur + 1/4 Star Trek + ¼ The Blair Witch Project + ¼ bad acid trip. Side note, RE: Boxey. I swear, I looked just like him in the early 80s. I am not sure I should have admitted it. Maybe I should upload a picture…NO! Bad Lucky!
That’s it! Lucky is the Final Cylon, and at least one of his copies was hired to play Boxey. No wonder you’re rooting for Larry and friends…
Uh-oh. When has that phrase ever resulted in something good?
Ok, here is the thing…if that wasn’t so frakking brilliant it would have been a testimony to why heavy drinking can be a positive thing, especially when considering the self torture you are inflicting on yourself for…well…our enjoyment.
Now I am going to have that song stuck in my head
[singing]Stop, hey, what’s that sound, Muffit II is chomping down[/singing]
That was great! Thanks for posting that, Pike.
I will settle for having Tigh showing up on the bridge, drinking from a shiny, silver beer stein.
Unlike the Cylon[z] I have a plan. Unfortunately, I can’t reveal that plan.
Thanks Solai! The song was stuck in my head when I was flipping through my new XM radio stations.
This? So needs to be included in the new series. Only it’ll be re-imagined that the coffee is spiked with scotch.
That’s it!!! The FC is The Great One, drinking the hard stuff out of a coffee cup - Jackie Gleason! (How sweet it is!) He’s the God to be honored above all others ("I’m the king Alice and this is my castle!). He often refers to space travel (POW Alice – to the moon!).
To harken back to MST3K again - and characters drinking coffee out of odd recepticles - anybody recall which movie it was with a bunch of cops standing around drinking out of cups, which were a light color at the bottom, darker at top and sort of squat, which prompted Crow to ask “Why are they drinking baked beans?”
BTW - this Lucky shtick is bordering on genius. There has to be some way to make a buck or two out of it.
R.I.P. Serina
Sadly the World will go on with a Little less eyecandy in it
Sung to one of my all time favorite songs. Although when I say the ‘Springfield’ I thought you were going to base it more appropriately after a Rick Springfield song. I don’t know, say… “Larry’s Girl” or “Don’t Talk to Cylons”…
23:55 Where’s Indiana Jones when you need him?
25:00 Baltar arrives to piss on everyone’s cheerios. He needs a mustache so he can twirl it like a real villain. Watching Lorne Green trying to strangle Baltar is like if your grandpa was trying to do the same to another Old Timer. “Grandpa! Calm down before you have another heart attack!”
36:00 Cylon[z] concept of peace, again, vastly different. They attack. Mama Mia! Mario is ready to fight. So much for “Mario’s Revenge.”
What no comment on the clue to Earth? This comparison between the TOS tomb on Kobal with medallion and light display vs. the Arrow of Apollo and the Tomb of Athena sums up how RDM & DE took a simple idea and made it infinitely better…
Keep the recaps coming. I’m counting on you Lucky to re-watch them just so I won’t halve to…